Wednesday Woes

Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Today marks one week since Justin left, and ironically, this was my most challenging day with Ava so far. We both don't feel good, but I've been trying to keep us in good spirits despite the sickness. Today was also the first down pour we've had for a long while in this state. I love the rain, but not when I have a million things to do, and especially not when I feel icky without my husband to cuddle. Surprisingly, Ava was a trooper through the rainy errands. She likes splashing in the puddles with her hunter rain boots, she loves holding the umbrella and twirling it around. That was fun for me to watch. Because she hasn't been able to get good sleep for the last few days (thank you mucus for messing with my kid), she refuses to take naps. The last time she attempted to take a nap, she threw up. She gets so upset when that happens. I felt so bad for my sweet girl.

She woke up a bit earlier today, so I knew it was going to be a nap day, but she held out. Whenever this child decides to hold out on naps, it's always World War III in this house. I prepared myself for the meltdowns, the tears, and the constant crying for daddy. We experienced all three, but instead of me taking a deep breath and trucking through, I cried too. I cried because my heart hurts for my child. I cried because I can't give her what she really wants right now. I cried because I am exhausted. I keep reminding myself that being vulnerable is not a weakness. It is okay to express that I am not okay right now. Even while I type this I have shooting back pains, while Olivia kicks the snot out of me. I was proud of myself for snapping out of it real quick, for the sake of making Ava bug feel better. We made cupcakes today, and although I couldn't help but daydream about how much better they would taste if Justin was making them... it was fun none the less.

The most heartbreaking part of our day occurred this evening when I went out to check the mail. Walking back from the mailbox, Ava caught a glimpse of our neighbor near our side of the fence in multi-cams.. I haven't seen her light up like that in days.. She immediately ran as fast as she could and she yelled out, "Daddy!" only to be disappointed when our neighbor turned around. I tried to tell her,"Ava, that's not your daddy baby." But nothing I said was heard. My heart broke, yet again because I hate seeing her so disappointed and upset. She cried for a good five minutes, and she even kicked off a rainboot when we were heading inside. The only thing I could bring myself to do was to hold her. We watched videos of her daddy, looked at lots of pictures, and ended our night with strawberry-banana-kale smoothies (yes, she trusts me again with the smoothies!).

As I type this guys, I'm bawling. Partially because pandora likes to play the songs that evoke all the "feels" in my life right now, and partially because I never fathomed that raising a family while Justin served in the Army would ever be this hard. As Ava gets older, my job when he's gone only becomes that much more difficult. And as I read back on the blogs i've written in his absence, that statement couldn't be any more true. I'm really hoping this next week Ava and I both will feel better, and adapt better to our temporary situation. We are holding off on doing all annual traditions until daddy comes home, but I've got some ideas up my sleeve that should accommodate for that. Side note, I never imagined there would be another girl in Justin's life that loved him more than me... I have to say, I was wrong. Our daughter loves her father much more than I ever could. He has never disappointed her, he has never let her down, in her eyes, daddy is perfection. That, that right there is what reminds me that we are doing something right with her. It reminds me that his absence doesn't impact the way she feels about him.

♥- Leilani

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