I Threw My Dress Away

Wednesday, April 8, 2020

When the panic sits in.

(Photo Cred: Jennifer Tai)

I went to Target for the first time in nearly a month last night. For some, that's not a big deal. For me and my family, that is HUGE. I am a huge fan of Target and for much more than just their products. Their mission statement, their inclusive minded marketing, their inclusive minded ethics, and just the way this company makes you feel when you walk through their store doors. No matter what state I reside in, I can always count on this company to show up and out for my family and our needs. So, yes. It's been a big deal to have this shift in routine. Ironically enough, we've been buying most of our groceries from a store that we don't usually go to unless we need immediate fresh produce or its last minute (sorry, Safeway). Last night we just needed to take a drive. Quarantine has finally set in -- (I think its because this week was supposed to be our big trip to Haystack Rock for Spring Break) and there is a little stir crazy vibes being felt by me and the mister. Washington State has had killer sunsets lately, so I knew a late evening drive was in the works.

We drove the 20 minutes to Target, I went in, got what we needed (and a few things I didn't need at all), checked out and walked back to the car. As I stopped to find Justin and the kids, I felt panicked. My hands, my phone.. I was super mindful of what I touched, but still. Before I even touched a handle, I covered my hands and upper arms in sanitizer. I did the same thing after touching all of the bags. A store that I had gone to dozens and dozens of times and I didn't trust it. I will say that Target is still holding the bar really high right now. Between each customer, they are wiping down the conveyer belt, the register, the card machine, and their stations as well. The customer service rep told me she goes through 3 HUGE commercial sized cleaning bottles a shift. That made me feel some type of comfort. I know not all stores are being this safe. But even still, I had pangs of guilt driving out of the way for an essentially, "non-essential" trip. I know I needed to look for Liam's diapers and more wipes... but still. 

As I finished putting all the bags in the car, I didn't want to get back in the passenger seat with my dress on. I brushed up against my cart a couple times in an attempt to stay distanced from others. I legit took my dress off in a Target parking lot AND threw it away. All I had was a huge parka jacket to cover up with and of course, a sports bra on. I didn't ditch my leggings but I think thats because I didn't touch anything with them. I felt so gross which just makes me so sad that this is the reality. I rolled the window down once I got in the car and we started making our way back home. I used a million alcohol pads to wipe down my cell phone, wallet, and my finger tips. When we got home, I wiped down everything I bought while in the garage and didn't bring a single brown paper bag indoors. I cried, you guys. I just can't believe this is our reality -- with no end in sight. Between Ava's school being cancelled for the rest of the year, not having answers as to when this will end, and constantly feeling fearful each time I leave the house... it's stressful. With a grateful heart, I still feel stress. I still feel fear. 

I've been bottling these intense feelings up mostly so the kids aren't privy to it and I think it just all came to a head last night. All because I decided to take a Target trip. I know I needed that to happen though. Leaving it all out there and collecting myself again in hopes for a better day. I hope today is better. 

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