TTC Baby # 4

It's not clickbait. We are trying for another baby.

It has taken me SO. MUCH. TIME. to get to this point. Up until the week of the 4th of July (this year), I would not have been able to confidently tell you that adding another baby into our family was in the cards for us. Justin and I have talked about this countless times. I've even lost sleep consumed with the idea of potentially closing this "having babies" chapter of our lives. Some might read that and think that this decision is easily made, but really, childbearing, family expansion, and trying after a loss are some of the most difficult conversations I have ever had in my entire life. Even now, I feel a little unsure. I'm a little scared. I never talk to you guys about how truly impacted I was after losing one of our twins in Liam's pregnancy... but really I've had to work through that often, and continue to work up the nerve to even seek out an appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist. I had an initial appointment with the RE that helped us conceive Olivia on December 31st, 2019. That was over six months ago. I knew I wasn't quite ready, I was still nursing Liam, and I just wanted to work up that nerve and GO in to see if Justin and I were even ready to take this next step. So, without fear of being rushed, I waited. I let my son wean himself -- it took nearly 90 days after his second birthday for that to happen. I waited a little more and let my body recover from weaning, from birth, from providing for little ones -- just everything.

I decided to get a little healthier. I've lost 20 pounds in less than six weeks. I've eliminated foods, drinks, and just everything in life that doesn't feel good. Including relationships. Focusing on finishing my degree, exercising, and finding renewed spiritual values has been such a saving grace for me. With a clear mind, Justin and I both discussed a new addition and we both decided that trying again was what was best for our growing family. To have my husband's support with my timeline is everything. Ironically, I was never the one that wanted to be childbearing in my 30s. Now, here I sit, 29 years of age, I would be having a baby at 30 if we do fall pregnant again. Isn't life funny that way? I started taking Follistim (injectable to stimulate my ovaries for follicle growth) on July 4th, and I just had my first scan for mature follicles today (today is day 5 of stimulations). So far, they see two follicles that could be considered dominant eggs. They drew blood today and took my E2 levels. Apparently, they want things to progress a little quicker because our RE requested that I increase my doses of Follistim.

I'm not complaining. It usually takes around 10 days or so before we reached that point where the mature eggs are ready to be released. So, here I sit.. my belly full of nerves. There are so many things racing through my head these days. Number 1, I chose not to share this journey with my readers, and almost all of my family and friends. As it stands, I have told three people outside of Justin what is going on right now. That's even more than I thought I'd tell. Privacy is something I struggle with when it comes to TTC. Most of you have seen me through four pregnancies, two losses, and three beautiful babies. To think this would be the last time we ever share our story of trying to conceive is absolutely mind-blowing. I'm writing this to document but I'm also hoping I can share this with all of you and have happy news to deliver shortly after.

We are trying for baby #4. I know it's not what most of you consider a rainbow baby -- but this would be our rainbow baby. The baby, that even after so much fear and uncertainties, we have always longed for in our hearts.

Here goes everything.