Most of the time

Sunday, June 22, 2014
It's been a morning guys. I mean it's really been a morning. I'd like to think that I'm a person that's usually pretty rational. I'd like to think that I'm a person who (for the most part), has control of her emotions. Today just isn't one of those days. I try to keep my most intimate conversations between Justin and I. Even with having a very public blog, there are a lot of things I prefer to keep off the net. Fear may not be intimate, but it is a very naked topic for me. Fear is your kryptonite. Admitting it; not being able to overcome it; it's really scary. I wanted to share something with you guys. Something I'm sure you already expected, but none the less, I'm going to share anyway.

For the past four years, I have had a fear of losing Justin. His career aside, I knew that when I fell in love with him, he was someone I never wanted to be without. I can't even begin to try and form the words to explain all that his mere presence has given me. Just writing this, I have the goosebumps and I'm crying. He is a disarmingly beautiful human being, and I am truly blessed to have him as my husband. That being said, you can imagine why this would be a fear for me. I don't dwell on these types of thoughts, in fact, I can't remember the last time I thought about it.. until last night.

I know people die. All the time. Everywhere. It doesn't make it any less painful when it hits home. Someone passing in general is typically sad for me. I don't have to know them, I still mourn the loss of a life. When a soldier passes, I cannot even begin to tell you what kind of emotions get stirred up. My mind instantly goes to Justin. Especially if he's in the same location as the soldier who passed. I remember going through this during his last deployment. A soldier would pass, and I would just fall apart. Justin would always tell me he'd be fine. He'd say, "Baby, I'm always going to come home to you. You don't have to worry." I used to get so angry when he'd say that. You can't make promises like that. You can't promise your life, because you don't know when it's going to be taken.

That is the reason why I tell Ava bug and Justin I love them more times in a day then most people say in a month. That is the reason why I don't allow myself to be consumed by the artificial world we live in. That is the reason why I continue to search for the passions I have in life. That is the reason why I no longer beat myself up over mistakes I make. It's unfortunate how much a tragedy can clarify. Don't put off living your life. Don't put off making amends. I'd like to say one day this fear of mine will go away, but that would be lying. You want to know the second thing that came to my mind after I found out about the soldier that just passed? What was the last thing Justin and I said to one another? It was I love you. I was so grateful for that.

If you believe in prayer, I ask that you pray for the soldier who lost his life. I know I will be.

♥- Leilani

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