I can't believe this chapter is now closed.

The Little Things: Mom's Coffee Shop Hour

 

Sometimes all you need is a chai and an hour to yourself.

The Little Things: Slow. Down.

To be with my kids, *really be with them* and soak them in alongside new experiences is one of my favorite things about being their mom. Their laughter, their curiosity, their concern, and their ability to just let go and enjoy what’s right in front of them — I relish in THAT.

The Little Things: Showering Alone, Anytime

Hi, friends! I've recently decided to dust off my blog and pour more into my space by creating a "blog series" for the duration of the year. I named the series "The Little Things" because as cliche as it sounds, it is always the little things that hold our greatest joys. I hope you like it as much as I do.

Final PostPartum Post: Must Haves

After bringing four babies into the world, I've learned quite a few things about how best to care for my body + my mental health in the fourth trimester.

My kid is not my "bestie"

At least right now.

Weaning Liam

I can't believe we are here right now. I think that's my most used phrase when writing about my babies, but seriously.. . my third little babe is officially in the process of weaning from co-sleeping and breastfeeding. 

I'm An Awesome Mom

I am owning my awesome.

Pinterest Mom

I am not a "Pinterest mom"... I am not a "super mom"... though we live in a culture where women, more specifically, mothers, are made to feel as if they have to have every single aspect of life perfectly together.

An Open Letter: To The Man That Made Me A Mom

Justin,

Today, I bundled all three of our babies in their winter wear and we walked into Ava's school for pastries with parents. This setting, all too familiar to me, was filled with bright-eyed elementary aged kiddos and their moms/dads. As I sat down to listen to the head of the booster club talk about some of the volunteer opportunities, the thought that entered my mind was, "I'm so excited that I can volunteer this Spring." The second thought was, "I'm so glad I get to be a part of all this." The very next moment I thought about how blessed I feel to have been given this opportunity to raise my children in this all-knowing way. To be available to them without feeling guilty about missing any other obligation... and then, of course, you come to mind. We made the decision before we even had children, but I want you to know, how grateful I truly am that you have afforded our family a life where our children have access to their mom 24/7. That is something I never had as a child and it means absolutely everything to watch my children experience every single bit of childhood that I was unable to.

Being able to get them ready in the morning and pick them up from school in the afternoon. Being able to take the middle of the day frozen yogurt trips or finding ourselves in some magical book from our local library. Making the decision to let them play at the park a little longer before dinner and having the patience to let their little hands help while I'm cooking dinner. Taking pictures of all of their moments and being able to explain to them why I wanted to. Dressing up Barbie dolls and braiding their hair and then turning to my side to bang the drums to their hearts' content. Watching the kids say their prayers and snuggling together to watch one of their favorite Disney programs. Hearing every random thought that enters their mind and helping our oldest write down all her hopes/dreams.

I want you to know that the mother I am is in large part because of you. You always hear me talk about living in this world where motherhood is celebrated, yet fatherhood isn't discussed nearly as much as it should be... and it should be. Your fatherhood has been incredibly supportive and equally as necessary for our growing family. It is because of your encouragement, that I felt confident enough to try every avenue of parenting that we deemed imperative for our little ones. It is because of your support that I don't put myself down any longer about being just a "stay at home mom" because let's face it, I'm basically a rock star living on a prayer and the occasional coffee. It is because of your love that I am elated to be in this season that we are in for the sake of our family. I love you so, so much honey (I'm getting choked up as I write this because you are by far one of the most incredible people I have ever known and I just admire you, babe).

People often tell me that I am this incredible mama and while I always say thank you, I wish they knew all the many details that go into making my motherhood possible.

Mom So Hard

Justin has officially been at SLC for almost a full week now and I cannot believe the kids and I are still surviving this gracefully! This whole parenting "alone" business is rough stuff and I have been a hot mess express all week long! Its crazy to me because Justin is normally gone most of the day anyways but our evening routine is absolutely bananas right now (and we have a toddler who insists on touching her own poop... another story for another day i suppose). You don't realize just how much someone contributes until they aren't there to contribute. Even the small stuff. Especially the small stuff, actually. So I've altered our nighttime routine and the kids are having a little bit of an adjustment period with that. If I'm being honest, I had to switch things up anyways because Ava starts school next week. She'll be waking up at 6am every single day and adequate sleep is the highest priority for the house right now. But, early sleepers means early risers - even if mama isn't bright eyed and bushy tailed at 5am. The upside to that is we all have this mega sleepover in mommy + daddy's bed and I get to cuddle all of my babies for an extra hour. "Holding down the fort" while Justin is away has been enlightening though. 

I feel like I'm always on high alert, my "free" time is time that I use to complete a house chore, and I'm constantly keeping the kids engaged because they miss their daddy. It has been exhausting. Knowing that this is temporary helps though. I think about all the mamas + papas in the world that may be doing life and kids solely by themselves and I am full of SO much admiration. Yes, we do what we have to do - but if this last week has taught me anything, its that time for yourself is hard, especially when you don't have time for all the things you need to do. USAREC has definitely left our family feeling spoiled. Two years ago, Justin leaving was just our normal. Granted, I barely had 1.5 babies at the time, but still. It was not something that was uncommon and detrimental to the well being of our child. Things have changed.

We have babies that both depend AND are accustomed to seeing their papa every single day. Watching Olivia wait for the door to open every night has been heart wrenching. She keeps saying, "Daddy went for a haircut?" and maybe she thinks its just going to be a longggg haircut? I don't know. I had to put framed pictures of Justin in the kids' rooms because they missed seeing him. Ava said she didn't want to forget what he looks like. Talk about tear jerker, right? We do facetime daddy multiple times a day and he did leave recorded videos in his absence for me to play. I know its not the same, but I am trying so dang hard over here to keep our spirits high. I do love seeing just how much love they have for their dad though. Its easy to act as if I'm doing this rodeo by myself just because my sacrifice is staying home to raise our family... but truth is, the show just isn't the same without my sweetheart. 

So until then, I'll be mommin' my absolute hardest.

Giving Your All

My son is eight weeks old today. I can hardly believe it. Because our world is mostly chaotic, whenever I get a moment with just him, I soak it in. I smile. I nuzzle his chunky cheeks with my nose. I breathe in his fresh baby scent. He's perfect, you guys and he's oh so handsome. I have never been smitten with a boy quite like this before in my life and I am loving every single moment I have with him. He's smiling so much now, cooing, and holding onto things when we place them in his hands. Even though this is my third ride through motherhood, it still feels like the first. Watching my son get stronger by the day, watching his features change... just watching him. This has and always will be my favorite part of bringing new life into the world. Watching all of those firsts happen. There is truly nothing else like it.

With celebrating Liam's eight-week milestones also comes a lot of mama guilt. Guilt because, well... the exhaustion from living has set in and reared its ugly head more than usual. It started probably almost two weeks ago. I realized that I have literally not had time to eat something throughout the day. Silly, right? Surely we all have time to grab something to eat when we are hungry... nope. When I say there is always something to do, there is always something to do. Like right now. I could be eating yogurt or folding laundry but I decided to share my truths was more important. I'm always on the move though. It could be for the kids, the house, or Justin... we are constantly moving. When we aren't moving, the kids are asleep which means productivity is a go.

Now don't get me wrong. This is my dream life. SERIOUSLY. I get to raise my kids in an active role, kiss the man of my dreams goodnight, AND pursue my education at my own pace. There aren't too many more roots to be planted from me in that spectrum. I like to be in control. I like schedules. I typically like busy. But I've reached a point where I am truly depleted. I noticed this again yesterday. Justin's birthday. From the moment I woke up, I was on the go. I left the house, Liam in tow, to get Justin "Happy Birthday Justin" donuts before the sun came up. Literally before the sun. And all for donuts colored in blue and orange (go Broncos!), because it was an out of the norm treat from me and everyone loves a good donut. Knowing that I'd have to get Ava dressed and do her hair, I started to panic about the time. Traffic was a bit heavier heading home and I was kicking myself for not waking up earlier. 

Once I got home, I summoned everyone to the kitchen so we could start celebrating Justin. Check. Then, I rushed to finish getting Ava ready so Justin could take her to school. I changed Olivia, fed Olivia, nursed Liam. Changed Liam. Switched laundry. Talked to my birthday man while he got ready for work. Turned on a show for Olivia, pulled out meat for dinner. Immediately the checklist started to formulate in my head for the day. It is seriously that easy to forget about myself. That easy. I wish I could stop doing that, but I can't. I can't because... well giving your all is just that. You are giving your all. 

I think what i need most is balance, that I’m included in. I’ve mastered balancing time between my kids, balancing time with Justin, also respecting that he needs *his time* too. But i never take myself into account. Here’s hoping I can make that change that i so desperately need to make. I know how important self- care is and I’ll preach about it all day. When it comes to actually applying it to myself, I fail. Maybe that’s why I feel so guilty. I shouldn’t need this time. At least that’s what I tell myself... but I do.

Another loss

We lost one of the twins. I had an ultrasound done this morning with my reproductive endocrinologist and he confirmed one of my worst fears. One of the babies stopped growing two weeks prior. I was thankful in the moments following that Justin had decided to stay home with the girls. I was alone. I was able to process, cry, and grieve by myself. I imagine it was better that way. Knowing I'd shortly have to break the bad news to my husband and our oldest... I needed time to compose myself. I also needed time to process what this meant for my pregnancy. We still have a perfect, healthy baby growing inside of me. I felt like I was on a teeter totter. So much sad, but also so much happy in my heart. On that ultrasound screen, I saw a strong heartbeat. I saw a baby measuring perfectly to date. I cried at the sight because.. because, thank you god. Thank you that we still have a baby on the way. It is so hard to manage your emotions in a situation like this. Another loss is another loss. This will be the second baby that Justin and I have had to say goodbye to before we ever knew what they could be. 

In the back of my mind I knew that this could happen. When we saw one baby's heartbeat beating so perfectly at six weeks and we couldn't see the other.. I started the worry wheels then. My husband, always so positive and reassuring.. he'd say, "Leilani, don't worry. Everything is going to be fine babe, Don't stress or worry," I would cling to his words like somehow those words alone would indeed make everything alright. The truth is, this pregnancy has brought out the worry warts right from the start. I've been so scared, terrified even. Things have been so different than my pregnancy with the girls... I didn't know what to make of it. 

And now this. We told a handful of our closest family members and friends about the twins. We also had to tell those handful about the loss of one of our twins. It hurt. I think it hurt more because I didn't want anyone to be sad for us. I just wanted to focus on the good news we still have. Justin took the bad news much harder than I anticipated. Harder than I'd openly expressed myself. That was tough for me. My husband is always my strong side. He's the person that holds everything together. Not this time. To be honest, that was much harder than the loss itself in so many ways. Watching your husband hurt is the worst feeling in the world. I felt responsible. 

♥- Leilani

Rush

This morning was the most terrifying morning I have ever had in motherhood. I was rushing. This happened because I was rushing. We had a normal start to our day, like any other. We sat down for breakfast, the girls played with Justin for a little bit, and then I got the girls ready. Ava's speech class time changed from 11am to 945am per our request because earlier times fit our schedule better... but this morning, we were running late. I got Ava dressed later than normal. It took five minutes longer to brush through last night's bed hair, and this girl wanted to sing every song she knew while using the potty this morning. I rushed to throw on an old shirt and my watch.. I looked down at the time 9:09am... we needed to BOOK it! 

I scooped Olivia in my arms after putting socks on Ava and we went out to the garage. I opened the garage door, I asked Ava to stay in our driveway, and I buckled my sweet Livy. I never rush when it comes to buckling them in the car. Why would I? I always make sure they are secure - and then after I buckled her, I quickly shoved my keys in the ignition to start my car up so the girls could watch their show. Afterwards, Ava asked me to take her picture (like we do every morning) and then we quickly went to her side of my car to buckler her inside.. except the door wouldn't open. None of the doors would open. I immediately went into panic mode. I tried opening my trunk, my engine latch.. I freaked out. I called 911 and for some reason I couldn't get through.. The tears starting rolling. I started shaking. Ava kept saying, "Mommy! Sissy's in the car." I called Justin and he immediately reminded me to calm down.

While on the phone with my husband I get an unknown Texas number calling me and I switched over without even saying anything to Justin. Sure enough it was the 911 dispatcher. I spilled out everything as fast as I could. I could feel my voice breaking as I'm telling her that the car is running and my baby is strapped in her seat. She's telling me to calm down and mentions that another parent called in this morning who had locked their two year old in the car... hearing that didn't make me feel any better.. in fact, it made me panic just a little more than i had before because I didn't know what the outcome of their situation was. 

Seconds later the dispatcher tells me that the fire department would be on their way and that she would stay on the line with me. I told her I needed to call my husband, so she let me go - letting me know to call back if i needed to. I ended up calling the girls godmother, Leeana instead. For some reason I just needed to talk to someone that would calm me down. She stayed on the phone with me until the fire department arrived.. which was less than 5 minutes from the time I called 911. 

Olivia was watching Ava's movie the entire time and I tried to stay away from her window because I knew if she saw me - she'd start bawling. 4 or 5 firemen came into the garage, so sweet and kind.. They reassured me these things happened and they quickly went to my driver door. One firefighter was talking to Ava while I filled out the liability form and then as soon as I signed my name - I saw Ava's door open. Olivia was still content. It wasn't until she actually saw all the men peeking in at her did she start crying. I was so grateful for that.

I quickly unbuckled my sweet girl and I just held her tight. Thank God we were still at home. Thank God she was only in the car for only a matter of minutes. Thank God I had my phone to call 911. Thank god. Nothing in the world is worth rushing when your kids are involved. Nothing. I'm really not even sure how all of the doors were locked... I just know I never want to experience this again. I genuinely felt like a terrible mother this morning. Who locks their child in the car? Who? Everything comes second to the well being of these girls and even if we are running late - appointments can be reschedule.. my kids are irreplaceable. 

Also, firefighters are amazing human beings. Their job requires a level of benevolence that most of us will never have.. if it weren't for these gentleman this morning, I'd be beating myself up 10 times worse than I am right now.

♥- Leilani

Leave it

For as long as I can remember, I have always been a person that appreciates organization and order. I have always thrived in environments that are well kept, cleaned, and have a steady routine. I distinctly remember during my first year of marriage a comment that one of Justin's battle buddies made to me. He looked at our home and he said, "Wow. It is so clean in here. It doesn't even look like anyone lives here." At the time, I was ecstatic about that. A comment like that was a compliment for me. It made me happy and stress free to have such a clean space to call home. When we found out we were pregnant with Ava - I was bound and determined to keep my old ways in tact. I planned out my days and how they would look before she arrived. How I would fit certain tasks into certain time blocks (oh how naive the first time mom can be). I remember hanging out with friends that already had children and wondering why their dish pile up or their laundry room fiascos didn't see to push them over the edge? Little did I know I would soon find out. 

Weeks before Ava arrived I made the decision to utilize a "first time parent liaison" through a service the Army provided. In one of our home visits she said something that forever changed my outlook. Christa said, "Just remember, the house comes second to all things baby. It doesn't matter if your dishes are sky high, you haven't vacuumed in days, as long as your baby is happy - you've had a successful day." Wow. Somehow that stuck in the back of my mind for always. When Ava arrived, that advice was sure to be true (though I didn't use it). I didn't have the time I once had, so I used the moments Ava was asleep to cram in all the work I had to do. It was exhausting, but I was content with the fact that my baby AND my home were taken care of.

As Ava grew, I developed a pretty solid routine. Ava was such a big helper and there wasn't anything I couldn't do with her awake or asleep. I had found a way to do it all - I felt like super mom. When we found out that we were pregnant with Olivia, I had very little doubt that my routine would be shaken forever.. again pretty naive on my part. I knew it would be an adjustment and that we would just have to find a new normal. Fast forward to today... Olivia is 11 months old and that new normal doesn't include ANY of the old normal. My dishes are piled, my floors aren't swept, my laundry is backed up, and I'm pretty sure my bathrooms could use a GOOD washing. I do the dishes in the pockets of time when both girls are eating and I can load a dishwasher in record time. At one point (and by that i mean currently) I was using Olivia's pack and play (that's she's literally never used) to hold ALL of my clean laundry. Ava calls it adventure digging... gotta love the creativity, right? 

The whole point of me dishing out all of this truth it to basically say, I'm done. I am done stressing about my house. I looked around this morning and almost had a mini panic attack. Cheerios were stuck to my foot, mashed potatoes from last night's dinner were crusted over on the island.. and I forgot to switch the laundry i put in yesterday afternoon... BUT, both of my girls are happy. It literally took almost 4 years for me to realize the advice I'd been given couldn't hold more truth. It took me almost 4 years to realize WHY my friends were ditching the dishes and just soaking up the time they had with their babies. DISHES will always be DISHES. Babies WON'T always be babies. The time you have with your kids is precious and it goes by so fast. I literally walked back into the living room, sat on the couch, and snuggled both of my girls. 

It isn't about a clean home - because a clean home isn't better. We live here and our home SHOWS that it is lived in. My kids aren't going to remember if the dishes were done on a schedule or not - but they will remember a present mom. Our new normal may stick for the rest of our lives, or it may change once the girls get older.. either way - I am accepting and owning this. And that whole "super mom" feeling? Well, super mom is just a term for those mamas out there that can make it through the day after all the juggling that is required with a home, a life, and babies. 

Here's to less stress, being present THAT much more, and making the most of your time. 

Happy Thursday all! 

♥- Leilani

YES!

Less than 72 hours after I wrote Olivia's 8 month update... something amazing happened. My child CUT her first tooth. It is on the bottom left of her lower gum. I literally took a sigh of relief. This past month has been a rough one for our girl (I mentioned that in the 8 month update) and it has been exhausting for her parents as well. As soon as I felt the first nub of a tooth, it's like she took a complete 360 yet again - but this time our sweet girl shifted back to her normal, smiley, happy self. I feel so terrible for our sweet girl. I think teething is going to kick her but a little more than we anticipated. Babies truly are so incredibly different, even siblings.. With Ava, she never showed signs that teething hurt her. Truthfully, she just got super drooly and would maybe have a little more spit up than normal? 

I love that we are able to experience the difference in personalities with our girls. it's humbling us, equipping us even more so, and really opening up our eyes to addressing new things with our children. To continue to the good news train, Olivia has also just started standing up and standing still in the middle of a room. I can't believe how much change has happened in our home in just 72 hours. This morning after Ava's swim class: We came home, let the girls play on the floor, and then it happened. Olivia held onto her infant car seat and let go... she just stood there. Unassisted, like a natural. She didn't take any steps though. Regardless, I'm blown away by my child's growth curve. 

The exhaustion this past month didn't even matter today. I just couldn't stop myself from smiling and loving on my baby girl. The life mantra I took on during Ava's infancy still proves to be true. WHEN YOU ARE A PARENT- you are not managing an inconvenience, you are raising a human being. While the falls, bumps, and mood swings aren't always fun - I will always remember how blessed we are to have been given our sweet girls. On that note, I am off! It's family day and I'm going to soak up all the time I can with the loves of my life.

Happy Saturday all! 

** UPDATE** Baby cut TWO teeth on the bottom! 

♥- Leilani

One Year Ago

I found out I was pregnant with Olivia last year on Mother's day. It was without a doubt one of the best days of my life. Olivia took a second round of fertility assistance to conceive and if i knew then what I know now, I would still have endured a failed first cycle if it meant that this little girl would always end up being apart of our family. She truly is a gem and I know our family wouldn't be complete without her. Being my second child, I didn't think I had a "whole lot" to learn about parenting. I had successfully gone through two years with her older sister, I mean what could be different? Silly naive thinking, right? Yes. Everything about Olivia, her conception, and her personality are different from Ava. Conceiving her took more time, but my pregnancy with her was incredibly easy. She was so healthy, never had any concerns about her in utero. She was perfect and it gave me room to breath and relax. 

Once Olivia arrived, we experienced things we never experienced (crying... twenty whole minutes of it) before. Even though those days have been gone for a long while now (thank you Jesus), I learned so much about myself from those first few weeks with Baby O. I learned that though they may be our children, they will NEVER fit in the same box as the other. While I know I knew this, I don't think I really thought about it. Infants are included in this. I beat myself up for almost eight weeks because I felt like a failure. I felt like I had failed our daughter because I couldn't console her. I even questioned whether we should expand our family (those thoughts are long gone too). There were nights where both of us were crying. Justin was flustered, Ava was confused. Our whole world was shifted and trying to find balance with our new baby. 

I wouldn't change ANY of that for the world. Aside from patience, understanding, and humility... I learned so much more about Olivia in the process. She is a very in due time type of baby. Everything that has occurred in her short three months of life have been on her time. I stopped looking at the timeline of milestones about three weeks ago. I'm following my daughter and her growth pattern. Something I never did with Ava. I was so meticulous and had to make sure she was on track in every way possible and it drove me completely mad. I was far more stressed, I worried more, and turns out, Ava is perfect and thriving. This time around, I want to be less stressed and more relaxed. Olivia gave that to me. She was a huge wake up call for our family. 

A year ago today, I found out I was going to be a mother of two. Boy, was that a good day. 

♥- Leilani

She's Almost Three

I am going to try my hardest to hold back these big ole tears that want to fall down my face. The little girl that made me a mama is just days away from being three years old. I am constantly asking myself how we got here... already. Seriously. The time surely does fly by and before you know it.... your child is this incredibly smart, empathetic, sassy, meltdown perfectionist all balled into one. When I allow myself to try and articulate all the love I have for Ava.. I can't even begin to write what I feel. The end result is almost always tears. Picture this? You don't know if you can carry a successful pregnancy... until you do. You spend your entire pregnancy scared, doing everything "RIGHT", and the end result is that there is some concern about your baby. You pray over your baby, yourself, her life.. You do everything humanly possible to keep yourself and your unborn baby girl healthy.

Delivery day comes. You spend over 17+ hours in a hospital bed eagerly awaiting her arrival. You just want her here safely. Daddy watches over the computer screen. He's nervous too. You just want to meet that sweet, perfect baby that has made you a mother. And then, in the mists of all the chaos, worries, and fears.. there she is. Completely perfect at 5 pounds and 11 ounces. She is a full term, HEALTHY, baby girl. You hold her for the first time and your eyes lock. ALL THE TEARS in the world right there. Her first cry, the first time she wrapped her finger around mine. The first time I nourished her newborn body. In those moments, even if we didn't know it, we made one another. 

From that day, every decision I made, It was for you. To go back to school, to be a better human being, to be the best role model... it was all for... and unknowingly, for myself too. In watching Ava grow I was able to grow into a better human on earth. There isn't a single day of my life that goes by that I am not grateful for my first born. 

♥- Leilani

She hit

It does no justice for me or for you to write a blog solely about all the amazing things that my toddler does. So, keeping that in mind, I want to talk to you guys about something that happened on our most recent play date yesterday. For the most part, my child is a sweet kid. She's not obnoxious, she isn't rude, and she's very caring. She's not suffering from the "spoiled brat syndrome'  but she is very much so a toddler. When I say that, I mean all of those "terrific two" characteristics have started to submerge. When I tell her no, she tests the limits. When I take something away, she has a full blown meltdown. As of yesterday, when her play pal didn't give her a hug when she wanted one, she hit. I was seriously shocked you guys. Ava doesn't hit us, nor has she really hit anyone else, so imagine my surprise when she hauls off and hits another sweet child.  My immediate reaction was to let her know it wasn't okay. She got a little emotional when I was shelling out discipline, but then she immediately tried to give "lovins" and hugs to sweet Kenadee. It was still really odd for me to see. I wasn't embarrassed about it, just really surprised, and the mama friend I was with was more than understanding, but it's just insane to be in this phase already.

To make matters worse, Ava's little "tude" kind of continued and in the mists of discipling her (again), I swatted her butt. This is a completely foreign concept for her (i'm sure), because I can count on one hand how many times I've done that. She immediately started crying and snuggled into me for comfort. I felt like a horrible person, if I'm being honest. I tell my child not to hit, and then I haul off and swat her butt? None the less I made a decision that I won't be doing that again. while I know a swat isn't detrimental, I don't feel as if I'm teaching her anything constructive from it. In happier news, We totally rocked our quick little playdate and let the girls continue to chase bubbles, birds, and enjoy their free range freedom.

Once in the car and on the way home, I started to reflect on my child and her behavior a little bit. Why is it that unknowingly in the back of my mind I expected her to be "obedient" for always? Like I expected my toddler not to grow up and test all waters with me? She is a flawed human being, even if I see perfection when I look at her. She is growing and changing and developing more rapidly than I'm willing to admit sometimes. We have to embrace the "suckage" that comes along with raising children. Sometimes that means they hit, push, throw themselves down, and ride rocking horses on your furniture after you've said no. This is the not so fun part of parenting for me. I hate having to discipline Ava, but I know that it's necessary. She needs boundaries, limitations, and she needs to know when something is not okay. This is also a growing and learning process for Justin and I.

Even if yesterday, my child wasn't as sweet as candy the entire day, one thing is for sure... Ava knows her right from wrong. It was so funny because my mama friend was saying how quick Ava was to try and make things right after she hit Kenadee. I thought about it more, and she really was. She knew what she had done was wrong. That notion right there is one of my proudest moments with my kid. For her to grasp that so early on made me feel like I had done something completely right by her in more ways than one. So you see, this phase clearly is going to be trying, emotional, and full of growing pains... but if you are noticing that your toddler "gets it" at the end of the day, I still count that as a success! How many mama's are going through "the phases" with their toddlers? Share all your stories with me in the comments or by email! Sharing motherhood is such a comfort.

Here's a picture of my pretty girl and her beautiful curls from yesterday.

Happy last day of March all!

♥- Leilani

Getting Closer

I can't believe we are closing in on March 2015. This year continues to fly right on by, and because of my current circumstances... I don't really mind a whole lot. I have really enjoyed all this one on one time Ava bug and I are getting. Now that she's getting older, there are a whole lot of things we are able to do. Pedicures, painting (without limitations), and exploring this beautiful state that we live in. This week is going to offer up some pretty decent weather, so I'm planning on taking Ava out to Seattle a couple times for exploration. A friend of mine posted about "saying yes" to her toddler, and while we practice something similar in our household, it's safe to say the reigns could be loosened up a bit more. That is one of my favorite parts about being apart of a community so much larger than just myself. Parents all over inspire other parents to try new things with their kids, or maybe stop during certain things with their kiddos. Any who, my friend Charmi posted a photo of her daughter Kenadee, actively enjoying Pike Place Market in downtown Seattle.

If you have ever been to Pike Place, you know that it's a busy place. Even still, in those photos she posted, her daughter looked so joyful. It was then that I felt inspired to do the same with my own child. While I probably won't be attempting to try this at Pike Place without Justin, i'm opened to doing something similar at a setting that doesn't have as many people. I really do think it's important to let Ava grown and explore without mama hovering all the time. Just yesterday we took a trip down to the park after the "poop" fiasco and I just let her run wild and free. I normally do, but it was definitely different this time. Instead of focusing on the playground, she was actually more focused on the wind and the birds. Each time she saw a bird fly over us, she opened her arms and pretended to fly. She would giggle and clap.. it was seriously the cutest thing ever. When she watched kids walk by, she got super happy and waved at each and every one of them. All the little things she does that could easily go unnoticed, I noticed. I got some great shots of her while we were there and in those moments, my meltdown yesterday was completely diminished.

I'm taking a brief break from school in these next few weeks to focus a bit more on family and my new found love of photography. School is an amazing opportunity that I am able to utilize, but it can also be very stressful. I have to remind myself that breaks are needed, and that breaks are okay. In the meantime, I've been dialing in on more photo inspired things. It's been six full months since I got my camera and each day I find something new to love about it. So far, I've got three "mommy and me" sessions to do, an engagement on the beach, and two toddler birthday shoots! I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see so many beautiful people in front of my camera. I'm continuously learning that it's always the free and easily unnoticed photos that people gush over. Those are the moments we want to retain for the rest of our lives. It feels to be growing in a hobby I never thought i'd fully appreciate as much as I do. Having a mentor definitely helped me dive in a lot deeper than I ever expected.

Ava just woke up from an almost three hour nap, so it looks like I'm off! I'm taking her somewhere fun today, and I'm saying YES to my toddler no matter what! A big thanks to Charmi for continuing to be an inspiration in the world of moms! You are awesome. Here's a picture of Ava bug experiencing fresh soil in her toes. If you know my daughter personally, you know this is a HUGE step for her. She's very particular about her bare feet on anything other than sand.

Happy Monday all!

♥- Leilani