I want to share the profound impact that Nana, my husband Justin's grandmother, had on our lives. Her presence was a constant source of love, warmth, and guidance, leaving behind a legacy that will forever be etched in our hearts.
A hui hou, Nana (Until We Meet Again)
Thursday, July 21, 2022
When my mom passed away there were certain things I couldn't bring myself to throw out or delete. Her cell phone number was one of them.
Saturday, December 30, 2017
I've smiled watching things pop up on social media with 2018 quickly approaching. People making their resolutions, making profound statements about change, growth, and prospering in the "fresh start" year... and I can't help but feel none of those things. Don't get me wrong, I was a chronic new years resolution gal.. until I started making changes about my life exactly when the thought came to me. I can't tell you how much growth I've experienced this past year from asserting myself and not relying on some special stroke of midnight that magically allowed me to fight for a better me. The mantra I've deemed most fitting for my 2017 has been - Live NOW. That's likely the reason why our family took two separate vacations to two very different coasts this year, just because. The reason why we tried conceiving a third child without any type of "plan" like we had done in the past. The reason I tried my damnedest to fight for a healthy me - mind, body & soul. I am so proud of all the progress I've made in the light, and trust me when I say that 2017 brought on SO much light for me.
As life would have it, I still found myself in some pretty dark places this year. Loss. I have always been open about how debilitating loss has been for me, and it still is today. Grieving the loss of my mom hasn't come to this healing place that I thought it would. Some days, I feel mended. Other days, the surface is raw, and it hurts, and my chest caves in, and all I want is to hear her voice again. To see her again. When we found out we lost one of our babies, I felt measures of broken that I hadn't felt in years. I think I went numb and into this place of saying I was okay about 1,000 times a day and trying to allow myself to believe that. My saving grace? My husband. He has saved me from myself more times than I can count and he has always served as a constant reminder that I am strong and it's going to be okay.
Through every high and every low, I'm grateful for my experiences this year. Grateful because I am reminded of how resilient I have become. Life has dished out some crazy curveballs and I'm still standing. So much of my healing comes from my family thriving, and 2017 left us with buckets of it. Miss Ava started Pre-K and she is totally rocking it! I was beyond nervous to let her go, but it was the best decision we've ever made. It has been just five months since the first day of school and I'm wondering why Pre-k isn't a state requirement nationwide? The benefits have blown us away. Ava has learned so much more extensively than I have been able to teach her (interpersonal relationships, resolving conflict on her own *to an extent*, and crazy new levels of independence) at home.
Justin got selected for promotion on his first look and even though it has been months since we first found out, I'm still beaming with pride and I'm so dang proud of this man. Olivia took off with her growth and she's never looked back. It is absolutely incredible to watch her learn from her sister, from her environment, from Justin and I... we are blessed to have such amazing little girls. Liam. Ahh, my baby boy. My growing, healthy, miracle of a babe. He has been the most healing piece of my puzzle this year and there isn't a minute that goes by that I'm not continuously thankful for that. One thing that's for sure - my family is everything and I most definitely will be taking that with me no matter what year we are ringing in! Here's a small collage of some of my favorite moments from this year.
Tulip picking, announcing our pregnancy, Destin, Florida, celebrating both of my girls and their birthdays, spending a piece of fall in Seattle, and of course so many more.
Wherever you are and however 2017 is ending for you: Stay safe, all the best wishes, and ring in the new year with as much love as humanly possible.
Through every high and every low, I'm grateful for my experiences this year. Grateful because I am reminded of how resilient I have become. Life has dished out some crazy curveballs and I'm still standing. So much of my healing comes from my family thriving, and 2017 left us with buckets of it. Miss Ava started Pre-K and she is totally rocking it! I was beyond nervous to let her go, but it was the best decision we've ever made. It has been just five months since the first day of school and I'm wondering why Pre-k isn't a state requirement nationwide? The benefits have blown us away. Ava has learned so much more extensively than I have been able to teach her (interpersonal relationships, resolving conflict on her own *to an extent*, and crazy new levels of independence) at home.
Justin got selected for promotion on his first look and even though it has been months since we first found out, I'm still beaming with pride and I'm so dang proud of this man. Olivia took off with her growth and she's never looked back. It is absolutely incredible to watch her learn from her sister, from her environment, from Justin and I... we are blessed to have such amazing little girls. Liam. Ahh, my baby boy. My growing, healthy, miracle of a babe. He has been the most healing piece of my puzzle this year and there isn't a minute that goes by that I'm not continuously thankful for that. One thing that's for sure - my family is everything and I most definitely will be taking that with me no matter what year we are ringing in! Here's a small collage of some of my favorite moments from this year.
Tulip picking, announcing our pregnancy, Destin, Florida, celebrating both of my girls and their birthdays, spending a piece of fall in Seattle, and of course so many more.
Wherever you are and however 2017 is ending for you: Stay safe, all the best wishes, and ring in the new year with as much love as humanly possible.
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
We lost one of the twins. I had an ultrasound done this morning with my reproductive endocrinologist and he confirmed one of my worst fears. One of the babies stopped growing two weeks prior. I was thankful in the moments following that Justin had decided to stay home with the girls. I was alone. I was able to process, cry, and grieve by myself. I imagine it was better that way. Knowing I'd shortly have to break the bad news to my husband and our oldest... I needed time to compose myself. I also needed time to process what this meant for my pregnancy. We still have a perfect, healthy baby growing inside of me. I felt like I was on a teeter totter. So much sad, but also so much happy in my heart. On that ultrasound screen, I saw a strong heartbeat. I saw a baby measuring perfectly to date. I cried at the sight because.. because, thank you god. Thank you that we still have a baby on the way. It is so hard to manage your emotions in a situation like this. Another loss is another loss. This will be the second baby that Justin and I have had to say goodbye to before we ever knew what they could be.
In the back of my mind I knew that this could happen. When we saw one baby's heartbeat beating so perfectly at six weeks and we couldn't see the other.. I started the worry wheels then. My husband, always so positive and reassuring.. he'd say, "Leilani, don't worry. Everything is going to be fine babe, Don't stress or worry," I would cling to his words like somehow those words alone would indeed make everything alright. The truth is, this pregnancy has brought out the worry warts right from the start. I've been so scared, terrified even. Things have been so different than my pregnancy with the girls... I didn't know what to make of it.
And now this. We told a handful of our closest family members and friends about the twins. We also had to tell those handful about the loss of one of our twins. It hurt. I think it hurt more because I didn't want anyone to be sad for us. I just wanted to focus on the good news we still have. Justin took the bad news much harder than I anticipated. Harder than I'd openly expressed myself. That was tough for me. My husband is always my strong side. He's the person that holds everything together. Not this time. To be honest, that was much harder than the loss itself in so many ways. Watching your husband hurt is the worst feeling in the world. I felt responsible.
♥- Leilani
In the back of my mind I knew that this could happen. When we saw one baby's heartbeat beating so perfectly at six weeks and we couldn't see the other.. I started the worry wheels then. My husband, always so positive and reassuring.. he'd say, "Leilani, don't worry. Everything is going to be fine babe, Don't stress or worry," I would cling to his words like somehow those words alone would indeed make everything alright. The truth is, this pregnancy has brought out the worry warts right from the start. I've been so scared, terrified even. Things have been so different than my pregnancy with the girls... I didn't know what to make of it.
And now this. We told a handful of our closest family members and friends about the twins. We also had to tell those handful about the loss of one of our twins. It hurt. I think it hurt more because I didn't want anyone to be sad for us. I just wanted to focus on the good news we still have. Justin took the bad news much harder than I anticipated. Harder than I'd openly expressed myself. That was tough for me. My husband is always my strong side. He's the person that holds everything together. Not this time. To be honest, that was much harder than the loss itself in so many ways. Watching your husband hurt is the worst feeling in the world. I felt responsible.
♥- Leilani
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
I am a total emotional wrecking ball today. I don't know if it's because I'm experiencing the rare occasion where both of my girls are taking a nap, or the pain from my wisdom tooth literally ramming into the side of my cheek (need to make an appointment, but so not ready).. but I can't help but think about all the future milestones that will soon be coming. I think the most obvious is the fact that I'll have a ONE year old Olivia Rose AND an Ava bug that will be closer to four years of life than three. February also marks our TTC month for baby # 3... don't even get me started on the feels I have about that. I dream about this third baby like they are already here. It's crazy insane how you and your partner can just know that you are not done trying to create more loving littles into your family. I think Justin and I always knew we wanted this big tribe of kiddos, but never really imagined it would feel THIS amazing. Living is believing, complete understatement! But seriously, we've been talking about this third child so much lately. We ask Ava if she wants another sibling... her response? Baby brother!
That would be some new territory. Territory that i would feel so blessed to explore. Oh man, here come the tears. I seriously cry an INSANE amount of tears in a day - if my tears were monetary.. I'd be a BAGILLIONAIRE. Here comes the kind of sad part of six months from now... It'll have been 11 months since my mom died. Reading that makes my heart just sort of rip open from the mends I've tried to make over the last five months. What hurts the most about losing someone you love (especially your parent) is facing the fact that they are gone, forever. The situation is permanent. Normally, i don't accept permanent in my life. You don't like the way you look? Change yourself. Change your clothes, your hair, run, walk, change it all. You don't like being out of the know? Read, surf the web, get involved. There are always solutions to avoid permanent situations that you don't want to be in. Death is not one of those situations.
I keep fighting myself because I desperately need an end date. A date where i no longer feel so much pain. A day where I'm not predispositioned to panic attacks, irrational breakdowns, and feeling like I can't breath. When Ava yells, "Mama! I love you!" While my heart is full and I'm smiling.. I also get sad. I can't call my mom and tell her I love her anymore. The hurt is just going to be forever. There is no end date. The loss is permanent. Gah! I'm so sorry if you guys are crying right now. Don't! I think being transparent and raw helps with this process. I feel like most days I am doing better, but every now and again I'll have a really rough day. All I can do is wake up and try to process the feelings a little better than i did the day before.
You know what I failed to mention before? Six months from now also means Justin and I will be celebrating SIX years of marriage! Crazy when you give birth to one of your babies on your anniversary your first thought is their birthday haha. I love it! I can't believe it'll be six years with my favorite guy! So much good coming our way here in these next six months. I can't wait to enjoy and live more of my life with my growing family.
I hope everyone is enjoying their first Tuesday in August!
♥- Leilani
That would be some new territory. Territory that i would feel so blessed to explore. Oh man, here come the tears. I seriously cry an INSANE amount of tears in a day - if my tears were monetary.. I'd be a BAGILLIONAIRE. Here comes the kind of sad part of six months from now... It'll have been 11 months since my mom died. Reading that makes my heart just sort of rip open from the mends I've tried to make over the last five months. What hurts the most about losing someone you love (especially your parent) is facing the fact that they are gone, forever. The situation is permanent. Normally, i don't accept permanent in my life. You don't like the way you look? Change yourself. Change your clothes, your hair, run, walk, change it all. You don't like being out of the know? Read, surf the web, get involved. There are always solutions to avoid permanent situations that you don't want to be in. Death is not one of those situations.
I keep fighting myself because I desperately need an end date. A date where i no longer feel so much pain. A day where I'm not predispositioned to panic attacks, irrational breakdowns, and feeling like I can't breath. When Ava yells, "Mama! I love you!" While my heart is full and I'm smiling.. I also get sad. I can't call my mom and tell her I love her anymore. The hurt is just going to be forever. There is no end date. The loss is permanent. Gah! I'm so sorry if you guys are crying right now. Don't! I think being transparent and raw helps with this process. I feel like most days I am doing better, but every now and again I'll have a really rough day. All I can do is wake up and try to process the feelings a little better than i did the day before.
You know what I failed to mention before? Six months from now also means Justin and I will be celebrating SIX years of marriage! Crazy when you give birth to one of your babies on your anniversary your first thought is their birthday haha. I love it! I can't believe it'll be six years with my favorite guy! So much good coming our way here in these next six months. I can't wait to enjoy and live more of my life with my growing family.
I hope everyone is enjoying their first Tuesday in August!
♥- Leilani
Monday, July 13, 2015
I don't think I've spent a whole lot of time talking about the baby Justin and I lost in March 2011, and that's simply because the road to healing/recovery was one that we decided to keep private. If it's something you've never experienced (I pray none of my readers ever have to), it can be traumatic and life altering to say the least. After losing a baby, and becoming pregnant with Ava almost 1.5 years later... I was worried about everything. I didn't enjoy my pregnancy as much as I should have (in the beginning), because I was always scared. I was scared of losing my baby, I was scared that my body couldn't keep a baby safe, and every cramp or tinge of pain... I immediately thought the worst. I can't tell you how many trips I made to the E.R. because I needed reassurance that Ava was okay. That's also the reason I purchased a fetal doppler. I wanted to be able to hear her heart beating, and know that all was well inside my womb.
Things got better once I hit 20 weeks in my pregnancy. I finally started purchasing big baby items, I embraced my growing belly, and I talked to Ava without feeling like I was going to lose her. Each week, my feelings of fear would diminish a bit more, and once we hit 24 weeks, I felt an overwhelming sense of calm as that meant viability. I loved every moment of my pregnancy with Ava, and looking back there isn't one thing I would have changed... other than the amount of time I spent worrying. Let's fast forward two years and nine months and here I am pregnant with baby # 2. I will be 13 weeks pregnant tomorrow, I can tell (already) that this pregnancy is so much different than my pregnancy with Ava.
I'm not even referring to the symptoms, but more my emotions. While I did announce my pregnancy sooner with Ava, I have been less fearful early on this time around. I smile, I laugh, I talk about this baby all the time. I have gotten more ultrasounds than most, for my own reassurance, but that's been okay with me. I'm taking baby steps in the right direction and that's all I wanted. I wake up and instead of worrying about every tinge of pain or cramp, I roll with it. I talk to my baby and love on my belly SO much. This energy has in turn rubbed off on my daughter, because Ava loves on my belly more than anyone in this house.
I've been feeling so good about this pregnancy early on, that yesterday I purchased my first baby item. I bought hooded terry cloth (gender neutral colored) towels. Granted, the purchase wasn't very big, but it made me smile that I even thought to grab something for our little miracle bean. I'm still early enough to where strangers can't tell we're expecting, but I have found myself talking to random strangers about my pregnancy (something I never did with my pregnancy with Ava). I guess the point of this blog was to show how much I've grown after my loss. I never thought I'd be able to successfully carry a child after my loss, and here I am now.. with baby # 2. I feel more confident in my body, my faith, and my mindset. Loss is something that never goes away, but all you can do is grow from it. you realize how precious pregnancy is, and how amazing it is to hold the baby you've carried in your arms.
The love I have for my kids comes from somewhere deep and pure. I will never take them for granted, I will never take pregnancy for granted. So many good things have happened since our loss, and rather than allowing the thought of how we got here to cripple me today, I have healed. So while those towels I bought seems so trivial and even silly, it was an indication that this mama is healed. This mama is moving forward and enjoying this pregnancy.
Happy Monday all!
♥- Leilani
Things got better once I hit 20 weeks in my pregnancy. I finally started purchasing big baby items, I embraced my growing belly, and I talked to Ava without feeling like I was going to lose her. Each week, my feelings of fear would diminish a bit more, and once we hit 24 weeks, I felt an overwhelming sense of calm as that meant viability. I loved every moment of my pregnancy with Ava, and looking back there isn't one thing I would have changed... other than the amount of time I spent worrying. Let's fast forward two years and nine months and here I am pregnant with baby # 2. I will be 13 weeks pregnant tomorrow, I can tell (already) that this pregnancy is so much different than my pregnancy with Ava.
I'm not even referring to the symptoms, but more my emotions. While I did announce my pregnancy sooner with Ava, I have been less fearful early on this time around. I smile, I laugh, I talk about this baby all the time. I have gotten more ultrasounds than most, for my own reassurance, but that's been okay with me. I'm taking baby steps in the right direction and that's all I wanted. I wake up and instead of worrying about every tinge of pain or cramp, I roll with it. I talk to my baby and love on my belly SO much. This energy has in turn rubbed off on my daughter, because Ava loves on my belly more than anyone in this house.
I've been feeling so good about this pregnancy early on, that yesterday I purchased my first baby item. I bought hooded terry cloth (gender neutral colored) towels. Granted, the purchase wasn't very big, but it made me smile that I even thought to grab something for our little miracle bean. I'm still early enough to where strangers can't tell we're expecting, but I have found myself talking to random strangers about my pregnancy (something I never did with my pregnancy with Ava). I guess the point of this blog was to show how much I've grown after my loss. I never thought I'd be able to successfully carry a child after my loss, and here I am now.. with baby # 2. I feel more confident in my body, my faith, and my mindset. Loss is something that never goes away, but all you can do is grow from it. you realize how precious pregnancy is, and how amazing it is to hold the baby you've carried in your arms.
The love I have for my kids comes from somewhere deep and pure. I will never take them for granted, I will never take pregnancy for granted. So many good things have happened since our loss, and rather than allowing the thought of how we got here to cripple me today, I have healed. So while those towels I bought seems so trivial and even silly, it was an indication that this mama is healed. This mama is moving forward and enjoying this pregnancy.
Big sister giving baby some morning lovin'
Happy Monday all!
♥- Leilani
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