Another loss

Tuesday, August 8, 2017
We lost one of the twins. I had an ultrasound done this morning with my reproductive endocrinologist and he confirmed one of my worst fears. One of the babies stopped growing two weeks prior. I was thankful in the moments following that Justin had decided to stay home with the girls. I was alone. I was able to process, cry, and grieve by myself. I imagine it was better that way. Knowing I'd shortly have to break the bad news to my husband and our oldest... I needed time to compose myself. I also needed time to process what this meant for my pregnancy. We still have a perfect, healthy baby growing inside of me. I felt like I was on a teeter totter. So much sad, but also so much happy in my heart. On that ultrasound screen, I saw a strong heartbeat. I saw a baby measuring perfectly to date. I cried at the sight because.. because, thank you god. Thank you that we still have a baby on the way. It is so hard to manage your emotions in a situation like this. Another loss is another loss. This will be the second baby that Justin and I have had to say goodbye to before we ever knew what they could be. 

In the back of my mind I knew that this could happen. When we saw one baby's heartbeat beating so perfectly at six weeks and we couldn't see the other.. I started the worry wheels then. My husband, always so positive and reassuring.. he'd say, "Leilani, don't worry. Everything is going to be fine babe, Don't stress or worry," I would cling to his words like somehow those words alone would indeed make everything alright. The truth is, this pregnancy has brought out the worry warts right from the start. I've been so scared, terrified even. Things have been so different than my pregnancy with the girls... I didn't know what to make of it. 

And now this. We told a handful of our closest family members and friends about the twins. We also had to tell those handful about the loss of one of our twins. It hurt. I think it hurt more because I didn't want anyone to be sad for us. I just wanted to focus on the good news we still have. Justin took the bad news much harder than I anticipated. Harder than I'd openly expressed myself. That was tough for me. My husband is always my strong side. He's the person that holds everything together. Not this time. To be honest, that was much harder than the loss itself in so many ways. Watching your husband hurt is the worst feeling in the world. I felt responsible. 

♥- Leilani

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