When you are no longer a part of their support system.
Nearly four months ago, I made the decision to reach out to a pretty severed friendship tie that I had intentionally and knowingly cut out of my life. She made the ultimate decision to step back, but my actions really left her no choice. Prior to that dissolution, we had been friends for nearly six years and had experienced some pretty significant, life-changing moments with one another. Military-made friendships have a way of really forging lifelong bonds you didn't know you needed or you didn't know you'd have. This was that for me. I met...we'll call her "Georgia bound" when I was 21 years old. First, at a spousal get-together at the pool house where I lived, and then again when deployment came around for Justin. I was barely pregnant with Ava at that time and she already had a little one earth side. The second meeting was the charm and we had really managed to hit it off and spent more time with one another as the reality of deployment set in. I think less than three months later? I ended up moving off post (bigger house with a baby coming) and I settled into a home just a few houses down from "Georgia bound" -- fun, right? Living close to someone you see frequently already is pretty cool. We'd go on to make a ton more memories with one another in a short amount of time. I learned of yard tools, rocks, and painting -- I taught her how to make baked salmon, and how to effectively scream over large spiders (haha), and Ava's birth was her first time documenting or seeing a birth outside of her own.
When I first learned of my mom's progressively incurable illness, she was one of the first people I turned to. A wonderful distraction, I don't think she realized how much I needed that at the time. Even once we parted ways, because the military almost always ensures that you move from good friends, we stayed close. Talking nearly every day, we were still able to share big milestones and mundane day-to-day happenings. When she found out she was pregnant with her secondborn, I'm pretty sure I was one of the first to get a message with a positive test. When I was ready to pick up a DLSR to take photos of my family, she was the first person I reached out to. When she had an itch to travel and shoot -- I booked a session to support that goal. When I got pregnant with Olivia, she flooded me with many congrats and we got to be pregnancy buds for a little while. This woman became such an integral part of my life and it was really natural.
When she found herself going through the trenches of an impending divorce, I was there too. I was there with my support, my words, my prayers. I was there. When we found out we had lost one of the twins from my pregnancy with Liam, she was there. She was there with her prayers, her positivity, and her light, despite all she had on her plate. So, yeah. A lot of life together. But even the strongest of friendships are challenged and I'm sad to say, I dropped the ball. I definitely took her for granted and never showed her just how much she meant to me.
It was with this notion that I single-handedly let my friendship come to an end. I didn't support confident choices after her divorce. I met her with judgment and cold tones. I couldn't fathom why she didn't want to grow in the way that I knew was "best for her" ... and rather than giving her the necessary support and love that we all need from our friends, I treated her badly. In those moments I felt justified, but later reflection revealed just how much of a jerk I had been. Fast forward nearly a year since our friendship had ended, and I found myself reaching out to her. I didn't think I'd ever do it but some pretty significant life things had blown up in my world (like for real, I ended up in therapy you guys) and I felt like everything I knew to be true about friendships, about my friendship with "Georgia bound" was called into question. It forced me to recollect everything. In the weeks following, I had this pit in my stomach whenever I thought about her, and I knew it was because I missed having that connection in my life.
I didn't know how she'd respond, and initially, she had no interest. I'm not sure if I would have either. When doors close and we have so much good and happy going on in our lives, why would anyone want to shake that up? I respected that. Somehow we were able to talk a little here and there and even though it's a slow progression, there is some. Some days I live my life and totally forget that we are actually speaking again. Other days I am reminded that things will never be the same and I almost want to revert back to that nonexistent place we were in before. And then there are days like today when big feelings are shared and you find yourself encouraging said friend to latch on to their support system.. and your second thought is, "Wow. That used to be me, too. Not anymore, though."
Rebuilding is probably one of the hardest things I have done in my life. I have never ventured back to try and retrieve something that I let go of. I'm just not that kind of person. Knowing that I've done this vulnerable thing is just a reminder that "Georgia bound" really does mean a lot. This space I'm in is uncomfortable sometimes. Nothing is on my terms and I feel like there might always be some distance there... but you know, you don't really know until you try. So I'm trying.
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