Friends, I cannot believe I am writing a pregnancy announcement for the last time. Once again, Justin and I have managed to beat our infertility and conceive another sweet baby.
PREGNANT WITH BABY #4
Wednesday, July 22, 2020
It's Wednesday, July 22nd, 2020, and I have this feeling that I'm pregnant.
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and as most of you know, Justin and I have experienced our own struggles with infertility.
Wednesday, August 15, 2018
Words I never thought i'd say in a million years. But, today I am thankful for the journey that my PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) has afforded me. If I never knew what it felt like to wonder if i'd ever be a parent, I wouldn't be the mom I am today. If I never had to experience loss, I wouldn't be the mom I am today. If I never had to experience weeks of hormone injections, just to face a negative pregnancy test, I wouldn't be the mom I am today. Don't get me wrong, if I could have stayed in a blissfully naive place with fertility, never really knowing the "ugly" sides of conception - I likely would have. What person wants to struggle if they don't have to? But our struggles are humbling. Our struggles remind us of our perseverance. Our struggles remind us to be grateful.
What kind of mom am I? A mom that is consistent at making mistakes, but also a mom that fights hard every single day to learn from them. A mom that loves on her babies every single moment she can because those moments were the stuff of dreams at one point in my life. A mom that is considered "EXTRA" because I strive to make all of my kids' moments (big and small) as special as they deserve. And they deserve to have ALL of their moments sparkle and shine. A mom that doesn't care what she's having! Boy, girl, girl, boy... that never mattered to me. A healthy baby is all I ever prayed for. A mom that understands that raising babies is a BLESSING no doubt, and a mom that could never, WOULD never feel disappointment about a life I made with my husband. A mom that is proud of every single life I carried, sustained, and brought into the world. A mom that will always put the needs of her children in front of her own because moms are the most sacrificial beings on the planet and it is not a choice, it is in my nature. A mom that really is just so dang glad that she got to be a mom.
The unknowns of infertility were terrifying, but I am glad they happened. Its almost like when people get a second chance at something. They go in with all they've got, they take it more seriously, and they don't for one second take that second chance for granted. That is the very definition of my motherhood.
What kind of mom am I? A mom that is consistent at making mistakes, but also a mom that fights hard every single day to learn from them. A mom that loves on her babies every single moment she can because those moments were the stuff of dreams at one point in my life. A mom that is considered "EXTRA" because I strive to make all of my kids' moments (big and small) as special as they deserve. And they deserve to have ALL of their moments sparkle and shine. A mom that doesn't care what she's having! Boy, girl, girl, boy... that never mattered to me. A healthy baby is all I ever prayed for. A mom that understands that raising babies is a BLESSING no doubt, and a mom that could never, WOULD never feel disappointment about a life I made with my husband. A mom that is proud of every single life I carried, sustained, and brought into the world. A mom that will always put the needs of her children in front of her own because moms are the most sacrificial beings on the planet and it is not a choice, it is in my nature. A mom that really is just so dang glad that she got to be a mom.
The unknowns of infertility were terrifying, but I am glad they happened. Its almost like when people get a second chance at something. They go in with all they've got, they take it more seriously, and they don't for one second take that second chance for granted. That is the very definition of my motherhood.
Monday, March 27, 2017
What is the cause of your infertility? This question has been asked SO many times and I feel like now is the time to address it. I've decided to write up a one stop shop for the whys of our infertility. The cause, the treatment specifics, and what has worked for us in conceiving both of our girls. Infertility is the taboo in the room for a lot of people. People don't discuss it nearly enough, people apologize for it too much (which they really shouldn't), and most really aren't educated on the spectrum of infertility causes. My hope is that you walk away understanding my journey a little better and maybe someone you know as well. This blog is specific to me and only includes my personal experience, though there are TONS of resources available to better educate yourself on this topic.
THE CAUSE: I HAVE PCOS
Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), also known as polycystic ovarian syndrome, is a common health problem caused by an imbalance of reproductive hormones. The hormonal imbalance creates problems in the ovaries. The ovaries make the egg that is released each month as part of a healthy menstrual cycle. With PCOS, the egg may not develop as it should or it may not be released during ovulation as it should be. PCOS can cause missed or irregular menstrual periods.
THE CAUSE: I HAVE PCOS
Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), also known as polycystic ovarian syndrome, is a common health problem caused by an imbalance of reproductive hormones. The hormonal imbalance creates problems in the ovaries. The ovaries make the egg that is released each month as part of a healthy menstrual cycle. With PCOS, the egg may not develop as it should or it may not be released during ovulation as it should be. PCOS can cause missed or irregular menstrual periods.
Irregular periods can lead to:
Infertility (inability to get pregnant). In fact, PCOS is one of the most common causes of female infertility.
Development of cysts (small fluid-filled sacs) in the ovaries
The symptoms don't stop there for me. No, menstruation is literally just scratching the surface. I've also suffered from excessive weight gain, oily skin, and borderline insulin resistance due to PCOS. There is a whole plethora of symptoms that other women may potentially be faced with (this incurable diagnosis impacts the lives of 5-10% of woman in America).
TREATMENT
Now that you know my "why" for the cause of my infertility, let's go over our treatment plan. After conceiving naturally and miscarrying - Justin and I waited two years before trying again. We immediately consulted a reproductive endocrinologist, and they began their rabbit hole of tests to conduct. We were lucky. In our situation, male fertility is not a factor. That just left me. I had a reproductive "work up surgery" where our RE cut me open (laparoscopically - minimally invasive surgery) to make sure my reproductive organs were all in good shape. Everything looked great from the surgery, but it turned out that I had a uterine septum as well. A septum creates a block in blood flow and nutrients to your fetus - often times resulting in miscarrying because the baby cannot survive. That was a big deal for us. We had the reason why we potentially lost our baby.
After the surgery, I had to wait three months to let my uterus heal before we could begin trying. In the mean time, we discussed the best option for us to take. We knew I had PCOS, but we also knew my organs looked great, and at this point we wanted to see if we could still try to conceive with the LEAST amount of medical assistance. We were offered clomid (oral medication to stimulate follicle growth), but I declined. I wanted a more potent alternative since Justin was deploying soon and because we'd only have one month to try for a baby before he left. That lead us to injections of follistim. Follistim is a FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) that stimulates follicles and allows them to develop and mature. We would also need a HCG option to *trigger* a release of the follicle(s) once mature. The RE prescribed novarel (intramuscular injection) to trigger and release my mature follicles.
Infertility (inability to get pregnant). In fact, PCOS is one of the most common causes of female infertility.
Development of cysts (small fluid-filled sacs) in the ovaries
TREATMENT
Now that you know my "why" for the cause of my infertility, let's go over our treatment plan. After conceiving naturally and miscarrying - Justin and I waited two years before trying again. We immediately consulted a reproductive endocrinologist, and they began their rabbit hole of tests to conduct. We were lucky. In our situation, male fertility is not a factor. That just left me. I had a reproductive "work up surgery" where our RE cut me open (laparoscopically - minimally invasive surgery) to make sure my reproductive organs were all in good shape. Everything looked great from the surgery, but it turned out that I had a uterine septum as well. A septum creates a block in blood flow and nutrients to your fetus - often times resulting in miscarrying because the baby cannot survive. That was a big deal for us. We had the reason why we potentially lost our baby.
After the surgery, I had to wait three months to let my uterus heal before we could begin trying. In the mean time, we discussed the best option for us to take. We knew I had PCOS, but we also knew my organs looked great, and at this point we wanted to see if we could still try to conceive with the LEAST amount of medical assistance. We were offered clomid (oral medication to stimulate follicle growth), but I declined. I wanted a more potent alternative since Justin was deploying soon and because we'd only have one month to try for a baby before he left. That lead us to injections of follistim. Follistim is a FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) that stimulates follicles and allows them to develop and mature. We would also need a HCG option to *trigger* a release of the follicle(s) once mature. The RE prescribed novarel (intramuscular injection) to trigger and release my mature follicles.
When it became time to try for baby, we stuck to the previously discussed treatment plan. I took follistim shots for over two weeks when trying to conceive during this cycle. The RE started off with very low doses 50 IU 75 IU because he didn't want my ovaries to over respond and produce multiple follicles. The goal is ONE mature follicle from these injections. The lower doses were not working nearly as quick, so my dose was increased to 100 IU and then 125 IU. The 125 IU was a sweet spot and I was able to produce a mature follicle. I went in for blood work and ultrasounds basically every two days during this period of time. I had growth scans for the follicles and blood work to check my estrogen levels.
Once the follicle reached 19mm I was instructed to take the trigger shot (or you can bring the shot in and have a nurse give you the injection). I started using ovulation tests (per the RE's request) to track exactly when I was ovulating. Once I got a positive ovulation test, we ** BABY DANCED** like crazy! I took a test to confirm when my ovulation window ended - and that put us in a two week window until we could take a pregnancy test.
After two weeks, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. The RE had me come in twice in a six day period to check my HCG levels. Rising levels indicates conception has occurred.
AVA AND OLIVIA
Both of our babies were conceived with the treatment plan above in regards to medication. We conceived Ava on the first cycle and Olivia on the second cycle (I was given the incorrect trigger shot during the first cycle we tried for baby #2). We are currently trying for baby # 3.
Infertility can be beat in so many cases. Those who suffer from being infertile (like myself) have SO many options to look at. I think it makes it less scary knowing that it doesn't end at you not being able to conceive without assistance. Everyone's fertility journey looks different and everyone has a different story. BREAK THE SILENCE. Mamas and papas do not have to suffer alone. Talk about it, be a support, find your village of others that can relate. I have been a voice and advocate for my personal infertility, but maybe I should remind myself to take my own advice?
I hope this summary gives you a better idea of what Justin and I go through in order to conceive. If you have any other questions, comments, or supportive words - PLEASE continue to email me or write comments below.
Happy Monday!
♥- Leilani
Friday, March 24, 2017
On very little notice, I had my dilation and curettage surgery this morning. Everything happened so incredibly fast... and as of this moment I actually still feel a bit shaky, cramp-y, and I still can't allow myself to just be. Let me start from the top though because I'm almost positive there are a lot of readers that are confused right now. From Feb 28th up until two weeks ago, I frantically searched for a new reproductive endocrinologist, OBGYN, etc (read previous post to get caught up to speed as to why I needed to find a new baby doc). Well, I found like five or six? The problem was - everyone was taking Spring break vacation during the time I was actually looking to find a provider to perform the surgery. I patiently waited and actually had a sonogram/consult date set up for the 29th with one of the providers I met a couple weeks ago.
THEN, I found an amazingly reviewed and highly recommended REI center just over 30 minutes away from our house - who also had their earliest appointment on the 29th. I decided to keep both appointments scheduled until I thought about the best route for myself. Out of curiosity early this week, I decided to phone the amazingly reviewed and highly recommended REI center to see how soon after a consult I'd be able to get in for surgery... the nurse told me it'd be a month... or a month and a half. I gasped. That was much longer than my new attitude "easy breezy" wanted to wait. I said goodbye and started to think about what decisions needed to be made moving forward.
That's when I got a call. Another amazingly reviewed doctor's office gave me a call. They remembered I had called in on the 11th trying to make an appointment - but they had none available until the last week of March as well. I decided to just cut my losses with that provider I hadn't even met and stick with what I had. They were calling with an available appointment on Thursday afternoon. I started to get SO excited at the thought of surgery happening sooner. I then asked what the provider's surgical schedule looked like and that's when I was put on hold for the nurse. The nurse was so incredibly warm, cheerful, and informative.
She apologized and said the soonest they would be able to get me in for my procedure would be the 7th of April. I was elated. A guaranteed surgery at the beginning of next month - I took it without thinking twice. I went in for my appointment yesterday and the wait time was longer than I would have liked... but after talking with the provider, I knew why. This woman was personable. She was kind, had amazing bedside manner, and actually listened to all I had to say. When she found out about my mom passing, she got up and hugged me. I could see the sadness pass over her face. She said,"That's just too young. You are too young not to have your mom." I couldn't have agreed more.
The empathy, knowledge, and understanding with this provider was SO clear from the start of our appointment. She checked her schedule for surgery (they are only done on Fridays) and she realized she had an opening for tomorrow morning. She offered it to me, letting me know that it was okay if it was too soon. After texting Justin and checking his schedule, I was given the green light.
The authorizations were immediately sent out to our insurance and since this was an in office procedure, it was a lot faster than if I were having the procedure at a hospital. I had my surgery around 8am this morning and I was under IV sedation the entire time. It was so quick, I was out of there just after 9am. I was given pictures of what they found. A build up for sure, some polyps, and remnants of my not-so-vascular uterine septum from five years ago. Everything looked great - fallopian tubes are clear and my uterus is now in good shape!
I am so thankful everything worked out for us this way. Next stop, injections... not sure when we will start (I want to give my body a chance to have a cycle and heal a bit), but knowing that we no longer have a road block.. I could literally shout it off the roof tops!
♥- Leilani
THEN, I found an amazingly reviewed and highly recommended REI center just over 30 minutes away from our house - who also had their earliest appointment on the 29th. I decided to keep both appointments scheduled until I thought about the best route for myself. Out of curiosity early this week, I decided to phone the amazingly reviewed and highly recommended REI center to see how soon after a consult I'd be able to get in for surgery... the nurse told me it'd be a month... or a month and a half. I gasped. That was much longer than my new attitude "easy breezy" wanted to wait. I said goodbye and started to think about what decisions needed to be made moving forward.
That's when I got a call. Another amazingly reviewed doctor's office gave me a call. They remembered I had called in on the 11th trying to make an appointment - but they had none available until the last week of March as well. I decided to just cut my losses with that provider I hadn't even met and stick with what I had. They were calling with an available appointment on Thursday afternoon. I started to get SO excited at the thought of surgery happening sooner. I then asked what the provider's surgical schedule looked like and that's when I was put on hold for the nurse. The nurse was so incredibly warm, cheerful, and informative.
She apologized and said the soonest they would be able to get me in for my procedure would be the 7th of April. I was elated. A guaranteed surgery at the beginning of next month - I took it without thinking twice. I went in for my appointment yesterday and the wait time was longer than I would have liked... but after talking with the provider, I knew why. This woman was personable. She was kind, had amazing bedside manner, and actually listened to all I had to say. When she found out about my mom passing, she got up and hugged me. I could see the sadness pass over her face. She said,"That's just too young. You are too young not to have your mom." I couldn't have agreed more.
The empathy, knowledge, and understanding with this provider was SO clear from the start of our appointment. She checked her schedule for surgery (they are only done on Fridays) and she realized she had an opening for tomorrow morning. She offered it to me, letting me know that it was okay if it was too soon. After texting Justin and checking his schedule, I was given the green light.
The authorizations were immediately sent out to our insurance and since this was an in office procedure, it was a lot faster than if I were having the procedure at a hospital. I had my surgery around 8am this morning and I was under IV sedation the entire time. It was so quick, I was out of there just after 9am. I was given pictures of what they found. A build up for sure, some polyps, and remnants of my not-so-vascular uterine septum from five years ago. Everything looked great - fallopian tubes are clear and my uterus is now in good shape!
I am so thankful everything worked out for us this way. Next stop, injections... not sure when we will start (I want to give my body a chance to have a cycle and heal a bit), but knowing that we no longer have a road block.. I could literally shout it off the roof tops!
♥- Leilani
Thursday, March 9, 2017
Okay.. I don't even know where to start. Let me start by saying that I am literally exhausted with infertility, Tricare, and reproductive endocrinologists. Let me also say that I have had more headaches, tears, and uncertainty in the last week than I have ever experienced in our trying to conceive journeys in the past... It is scary to feel like your body is failing you and I wish I didn't feel that way. My body isn't failing me - it just requires more work than some. Those are the words I repeat to myself on a daily basis it seems. For those of you who are just catching up, let me start from the beginning and fill you in on what's happening. At the end of January, I met with a REI (reproductive endocrinologist - infertility) and had my first consult since we tried to conceive Olivia. It went perfectly - aside from having a thickened uterine lining (no big deal though, I hadn't had a period in almost two years at this point). I immediately started taking progesterone shortly after and things were great.... until my uterine lining wasn't shedding. NO worries they put me on a more aggressive, synthetic form of progesterone to shed my lining - I BLED FOREVER... but still, the lining stayed in tact. It even grew a bit. My options now became taking a SHOT of progesterone to shed the lining (which could still result in having a D & C) OR having a D & C performed where they mechanically remove the lining (sometimes cancerous, most times just a build up of polyps, etc). I opted to have the D & C ...
I then found out my provider wouldn't be able to see me until the end of March (he was going on spring break). I panicked at the thought of potential cancer sitting in my uterus all this time. I asked if I could have the surgery done by another physician in the practice.. I even found gynecologists in my area that could perform a D & C. Being overly eager to find a solution myself - MY "great" REI decided to drop me as a patient (i didn't find this out until the end of last week) and I was stuck with either seeing another physician at the practice or finding a new REI. As luck would have it, the physician i saw last Friday was knowledgable.. but he was also not the right fit for me. He made me nervous, I starting regretting making the switch, and I left feeling not so great about how I went about things.
That's when I decided that if I couldn't go back to the initial REI, I'd find a different practice. It hadn't been more clear to me than in those moments that there were SO many signs that maybe this wasn't our season.. Maybe this wasn't our REI facility... maybe I needed to just take care of me before we revisit actively trying. I have never had a problem with my uterine lining shedding in the past. Never. Because of the thickened lining, I haven't been able to take follicle stimulating shots to try for baby # 3 - so the surgery and the thickened lining is a very big step in our journey.
Dealing with insurance and providers that accept my insurance has been a nightmare. I've even tried to go into a gyno and have them tell me that REI's are the best and they take a more gentle approach with their D & C method.So that is what I am going to do. I'm currently waiting to schedule an appointment with a new fertility office to hopefully establish a great relationship with the next REI. I am going to take a deep breath and learn to be patient. Infertility isn't easy, it isn't quick, and I wish I would have respected the process the first time around. I guess the old saying proves true, "You live and you learn" because that's exactly how I feel.
It feels good being able to share this with all of you guys. I feel like it isn't as heavy. If I lost you in all my jumble I'm going to clear that up right now..
YES we are still making our way to baby # 3, even if it takes more time than we initially though it would
YES I need to have a D & C performed to remove my thickened endometrium lining before I can take fertility medication
YES I got fired (though Justin reminded me that I fired him first) from my initial REI and YES I am scheduling an appointment for a new facility.
Think good thoughts, vibes, and send some prayers up for us! Journey to baby # 3 has already taken some turns we definitely didn't expect, but I'm so, so glad that Justin is here to hold my hand. We are enjoying the beautiful babies we have, respecting the process, and loving each other so much more through our bumps in the road.
♥- Leilani
I then found out my provider wouldn't be able to see me until the end of March (he was going on spring break). I panicked at the thought of potential cancer sitting in my uterus all this time. I asked if I could have the surgery done by another physician in the practice.. I even found gynecologists in my area that could perform a D & C. Being overly eager to find a solution myself - MY "great" REI decided to drop me as a patient (i didn't find this out until the end of last week) and I was stuck with either seeing another physician at the practice or finding a new REI. As luck would have it, the physician i saw last Friday was knowledgable.. but he was also not the right fit for me. He made me nervous, I starting regretting making the switch, and I left feeling not so great about how I went about things.
That's when I decided that if I couldn't go back to the initial REI, I'd find a different practice. It hadn't been more clear to me than in those moments that there were SO many signs that maybe this wasn't our season.. Maybe this wasn't our REI facility... maybe I needed to just take care of me before we revisit actively trying. I have never had a problem with my uterine lining shedding in the past. Never. Because of the thickened lining, I haven't been able to take follicle stimulating shots to try for baby # 3 - so the surgery and the thickened lining is a very big step in our journey.
Dealing with insurance and providers that accept my insurance has been a nightmare. I've even tried to go into a gyno and have them tell me that REI's are the best and they take a more gentle approach with their D & C method.So that is what I am going to do. I'm currently waiting to schedule an appointment with a new fertility office to hopefully establish a great relationship with the next REI. I am going to take a deep breath and learn to be patient. Infertility isn't easy, it isn't quick, and I wish I would have respected the process the first time around. I guess the old saying proves true, "You live and you learn" because that's exactly how I feel.
It feels good being able to share this with all of you guys. I feel like it isn't as heavy. If I lost you in all my jumble I'm going to clear that up right now..
YES we are still making our way to baby # 3, even if it takes more time than we initially though it would
YES I need to have a D & C performed to remove my thickened endometrium lining before I can take fertility medication
YES I got fired (though Justin reminded me that I fired him first) from my initial REI and YES I am scheduling an appointment for a new facility.
Think good thoughts, vibes, and send some prayers up for us! Journey to baby # 3 has already taken some turns we definitely didn't expect, but I'm so, so glad that Justin is here to hold my hand. We are enjoying the beautiful babies we have, respecting the process, and loving each other so much more through our bumps in the road.
♥- Leilani
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
Today my referral for a reproductive endocrinologist was processed and approved. When I got the email my heart just stopped. My mind instantly went back to Fort Lewis and how much harder it was to get on the journey that brought us to Olivia. Trying to get a referral from Madigan didn't happen and it was a nightmare to deal with. Since they had their own reproductive clinic within the hospital, they didn't refer patients out. They also didn't allow you to seek treatment if you didn't fit the certain stipulations they had. I was crushed. I don't know what we would have done without Seattle Reproductive Medicine. We took the non referral route and tricare definitely hates when you seek specialist care without a referral when you have PRIME. Even with the higher costs, it was worth it. We have a beautiful 11 month old baby girl because of our decision. Seeing the approval today just took me back. It was so incredibly easy for our civilian sector PCM to request it and have it processed within hours.
Makes me even more thankful for Justin's recruiting gig for the next few years. Civilian care is so, so different from military care. They seem to not only be friendlier, but more attentive, and they take care of your needs when you are there... not after you've gone home, a week has passed, and you've been forced to make a phone call to see what the hold up is. So many positives to this side of the Army, so many! Now that the referral has been taken care of I just need to start scheduling my appointments. It truly doesn't feel like all that long ago that I was starting my fertility appointments for a second round when we conceived Olivia. I'm so nervous about a new facility though. Hopefully it all goes well and we are able to click with a provider that we like.
This is so incredibly exciting. Justin and I just spent a good chunk of our evening going over all things baby. I can't believe our family could most definitely be expanding in just a couple of months. Ava keeps asking for a baby brother - let's see if she's right on this one!
♥- Leilani
Makes me even more thankful for Justin's recruiting gig for the next few years. Civilian care is so, so different from military care. They seem to not only be friendlier, but more attentive, and they take care of your needs when you are there... not after you've gone home, a week has passed, and you've been forced to make a phone call to see what the hold up is. So many positives to this side of the Army, so many! Now that the referral has been taken care of I just need to start scheduling my appointments. It truly doesn't feel like all that long ago that I was starting my fertility appointments for a second round when we conceived Olivia. I'm so nervous about a new facility though. Hopefully it all goes well and we are able to click with a provider that we like.
This is so incredibly exciting. Justin and I just spent a good chunk of our evening going over all things baby. I can't believe our family could most definitely be expanding in just a couple of months. Ava keeps asking for a baby brother - let's see if she's right on this one!
♥- Leilani
Saturday, April 2, 2016
Did I give some of you a heart attack? Relax! I couldn't help myself. No, I am not yet pregnant with Howland baby # 3... but it has been talked about, prayed on, and discussed more times then you would think.. (especially since our sweet Livy bean is just 10 weeks old). Justin and I have always been on the same page with kiddos..for the most part. I think after we had Ava bug, my husband would literally discuss the possibility of FIVE little Howland babes running around. While I assure you that won't be the case, we both really want to expand our family a little more... and we are going to start a lot earlier than we did the last time. A part of me was going to keep this on the hush until the impending months of TTC came about.. but after everything we've been going through lately, good news is necessary. That good news would be: We are going to be trying for another Howland bebe in less than a year. Yes, you read that correctly. We are going to try a closer age gap with Livy girl and a potential sibling.
I honestly couldn't be more excited about our decision. With Justin recruiting for the next three years, the timing is just perfect... and let's be real, is the timing ever really perfect when discussing adding little beans to the mix? Not really. But for us, everything is screaming, "GO FOR IT!" Watching our girls bond in these last few weeks have been everything to us. Adjusting to a new life in our home has been such a learning curve... one that we want to have again... and again.. I literally have been losing sleep thinking about this little babe that is just pillow talk at this point. Will we have another girl? Will we have our first son? Will there be more than one? So many questions. I do think it's kind of neat that not one of our kids will be born in the same state. Which is kind of like a living map of where we've been. Ava bug is our Georgia peach, Olivia is our Pacific Northwest babe, and a third would be a Texas addition.
I don't think I'll be sharing an extensive TTC journey like I tried to do when we were trying for Olivia, but I would like to keep my readers included in some way. We do have a good chunk of time before this is underway, but I really wanted to get these good vibes out there. In the meantime, I am still adjusting to life with two. Even on the harder days, I'm loving every single minute of motherhood. With Justin away at school, my days literally zoom right on by with both girls. We are laughing, playing, and growing so much in daddy's absence. I remember being so nervous about parenting with two by myself for six weeks... Now that we have our routine and we are comfortable, things couldn't be better. I live to watch my girls together, and I can't wait for to reference a Howland trio!
Here's a little throwback of my pregnant belly with both Ava and Olivia. I absolutely loved being pregnant with these girls! Can't believe this time next year, I could very well be pregnant with another.
Happy Sunday all!
♥- Leilani
I honestly couldn't be more excited about our decision. With Justin recruiting for the next three years, the timing is just perfect... and let's be real, is the timing ever really perfect when discussing adding little beans to the mix? Not really. But for us, everything is screaming, "GO FOR IT!" Watching our girls bond in these last few weeks have been everything to us. Adjusting to a new life in our home has been such a learning curve... one that we want to have again... and again.. I literally have been losing sleep thinking about this little babe that is just pillow talk at this point. Will we have another girl? Will we have our first son? Will there be more than one? So many questions. I do think it's kind of neat that not one of our kids will be born in the same state. Which is kind of like a living map of where we've been. Ava bug is our Georgia peach, Olivia is our Pacific Northwest babe, and a third would be a Texas addition.
I don't think I'll be sharing an extensive TTC journey like I tried to do when we were trying for Olivia, but I would like to keep my readers included in some way. We do have a good chunk of time before this is underway, but I really wanted to get these good vibes out there. In the meantime, I am still adjusting to life with two. Even on the harder days, I'm loving every single minute of motherhood. With Justin away at school, my days literally zoom right on by with both girls. We are laughing, playing, and growing so much in daddy's absence. I remember being so nervous about parenting with two by myself for six weeks... Now that we have our routine and we are comfortable, things couldn't be better. I live to watch my girls together, and I can't wait for to reference a Howland trio!
Here's a little throwback of my pregnant belly with both Ava and Olivia. I absolutely loved being pregnant with these girls! Can't believe this time next year, I could very well be pregnant with another.
Happy Sunday all!
♥- Leilani
Saturday, March 14, 2015
So, as you probably assumed by the title of this blog, I am NOT pregnant. I took my third pregnancy test of the week this morning, and it was negative (as were the other two). Surprisingly, I'm not disappointed either. I mean, I was a little bummed, but this week gave me a lot of time to process that this cycle was our first bust. I started bleeding two days ago, and although it wasn't heavy, it was still present. I was immediately crushed because I knew then, there was no baby. The weird thing is, the blood was really light. Like so light, I probably could have gotten away with wearing a panty liner. I thought it might have been implantation bleeding, but it was too late in a cycle for it to be that. I was still cramping and having a few pregnancy symptoms. I thought it could have been from the HCG still in my system though. I also took my first test on Wednesday? It was a clear negative then but my doctor's office told me I was testing too early. Which was true. But, I just knew something was off. So here was my thinking process:
- When we were "baby dancing" I had the stomach flu. I wasn't intaking fluids, I was ill. I wasn't hopeful during those days.
- I found out that I took the wrong dose of the trigger shot this week. My doctor's office caught that error when we were going over doses that I had taken this cycle. I took about 1/3 of the amount I was suppose to have to trigger and release my follicles.
- We rushed it. We were on a time limit because Justin was leaving. I could have given myself a few more days to slowly grow follicles, and who knows.. maybe we would have caught that I wasn't taking the correct dose of ovidrel?
At the end of the day, so many great things came from this cycle. Weaning Ava, getting in the trying to conceive attitude, and finding an amazing reproductive clinic to assist us. I'm not emotional like I thought I would be. When I started bleeding that was when I got that surreal, sad feeling. You know what immediately diminished those feelings? Grabbing my toddler from her bed and holding her. The truth is, no matter what happens in our fertility journey moving forward, we always have our Ava bug. She is living proof that my body can do amazing, wonderful things. In those moments, I felt no loss at all. I felt full. Justin is doing okay with the news too. I think we were both just really hopeful, but with all the contingencies that popped up, we understand why this cycle more than likely didn't take. The follicles were there, I was in good shape, but everything does happen in due time.
We plan on trying again once he's home, and I'm hopeful that the next cycle will be the "one" that takes. I'm so proud of myself for being in good spirits and allowing myself to not look at this cycle as a loss. Perfect, healthy couples don't conceive each month they try. Sometimes these things happen, and you have to be okay with it. I think it'd consume me if it wasn't. I'm currently trying to figure out if I should travel with Ava bug since the pregnancy is a no go this month, or stay at home and just enjoy my little girl until her daddy gets home. I haven't made a final decision, but I plan on doing that by the end of the day.
Thank you to everyone that stood by us during this journey. I appreciate you all more than I express. I'm hoping to share our next cycle with you guys, so stay tuned for May! Should be a great month for us Howlands! Especially Ava bug.. She turns two!
Happy Saturday all! If you are a Washingtonian, I hope you've got your rain gear handy!
♥- Leilani
- When we were "baby dancing" I had the stomach flu. I wasn't intaking fluids, I was ill. I wasn't hopeful during those days.
- I found out that I took the wrong dose of the trigger shot this week. My doctor's office caught that error when we were going over doses that I had taken this cycle. I took about 1/3 of the amount I was suppose to have to trigger and release my follicles.
- We rushed it. We were on a time limit because Justin was leaving. I could have given myself a few more days to slowly grow follicles, and who knows.. maybe we would have caught that I wasn't taking the correct dose of ovidrel?
At the end of the day, so many great things came from this cycle. Weaning Ava, getting in the trying to conceive attitude, and finding an amazing reproductive clinic to assist us. I'm not emotional like I thought I would be. When I started bleeding that was when I got that surreal, sad feeling. You know what immediately diminished those feelings? Grabbing my toddler from her bed and holding her. The truth is, no matter what happens in our fertility journey moving forward, we always have our Ava bug. She is living proof that my body can do amazing, wonderful things. In those moments, I felt no loss at all. I felt full. Justin is doing okay with the news too. I think we were both just really hopeful, but with all the contingencies that popped up, we understand why this cycle more than likely didn't take. The follicles were there, I was in good shape, but everything does happen in due time.
We plan on trying again once he's home, and I'm hopeful that the next cycle will be the "one" that takes. I'm so proud of myself for being in good spirits and allowing myself to not look at this cycle as a loss. Perfect, healthy couples don't conceive each month they try. Sometimes these things happen, and you have to be okay with it. I think it'd consume me if it wasn't. I'm currently trying to figure out if I should travel with Ava bug since the pregnancy is a no go this month, or stay at home and just enjoy my little girl until her daddy gets home. I haven't made a final decision, but I plan on doing that by the end of the day.
Thank you to everyone that stood by us during this journey. I appreciate you all more than I express. I'm hoping to share our next cycle with you guys, so stay tuned for May! Should be a great month for us Howlands! Especially Ava bug.. She turns two!
Happy Saturday all! If you are a Washingtonian, I hope you've got your rain gear handy!
♥- Leilani
Saturday, February 28, 2015
I went in for my second follicle scan Wednesday morning, and everything looked great. My main follicle on my left ovary measured at 19.2mm (ish) and the follicle growing on my right ovary measured at 14mm. My doctor was pleased with where the follicle growth was, and didn't require me to get a blood test (not mad about that at all) to measure my estradiol levels. We also got the okay to take our HCG trigger shot Thursday night and we were over the moon, crazy excited about it. Wednesday night was my last time taking follistim shots for this cycle and that brought on some bitter sweet feelings. These last two weeks have been emotional, exciting, and I'm just ready for March to come around so we can see if we've conceived or not.
* That was initially written on Wednesday, prior to me getting the stomach bug* Thursday morning I woke up with terrible stomach pain and I was completely nauseated and weak. I could barely get out of bed let alone take care of Ava bug, safely. I'm not really sure what has hit me, but it's been a long three days you guys. Thankfully, Justin got off early enough that day to care for me and take care of Ava. I spent most of Thursday, asleep. The rest definitely helped, and I did take my trigger shot Thursday night. It burned a little.. and to be honest, getting a shot was the last thing I wanted to do while feeling so sick.. but I am determined to make this cycle count. I woke up Friday morning around 5:30 a.m. and I could definitely tell I was feeling far better than the day before. I was able to drink and move without serious stomach pain, but I was definitely weak and groggy from not eating at all on Thursday. I tried to drink and eat a little bit at a time and that really seemed to work. A word to the wise, pepto bismol is not your friend.. I know, I know.. this may be effective for some people, but definitely not for me.
Not only are my stools black and gross, but so is my tongue. The chalky, bitter taste is most definitely not worth it. I normally tried to mend things naturally, but I have been utilizing tums quite a bit. I called one of the nurses at the fertility clinic and they informed me that this will not impact our cycle in a negative way. She reminded to stay hydrated, eat bland foods, and to take it easy for the next few days. I tried to eat the dinner Justin cooked Friday night.. that was such a no go! I immediately started having stomach pains again. I could not believe it. Friday and today are our baby dancing days.. you could image how that's been going... To top it off, Ava bug woke up at three in the morning... throwing up! She threw up at least a couple different times in less than two hours. She was burning up and that was my "mama instinct" telling me to take her to the E.R. All the while her demeanor never changed, but when we got there, we were informed that her temperature was 100.6. Definitely in fever range! The good news is, she seems to be doing fine. They gave us zofran for her vomiting spell and instructed us to give tylenol.
**UPDATE** She went over 24 hours with zero puking and now we are convinced she also has the stomach bug like her mama.
♥- Leilani
* That was initially written on Wednesday, prior to me getting the stomach bug* Thursday morning I woke up with terrible stomach pain and I was completely nauseated and weak. I could barely get out of bed let alone take care of Ava bug, safely. I'm not really sure what has hit me, but it's been a long three days you guys. Thankfully, Justin got off early enough that day to care for me and take care of Ava. I spent most of Thursday, asleep. The rest definitely helped, and I did take my trigger shot Thursday night. It burned a little.. and to be honest, getting a shot was the last thing I wanted to do while feeling so sick.. but I am determined to make this cycle count. I woke up Friday morning around 5:30 a.m. and I could definitely tell I was feeling far better than the day before. I was able to drink and move without serious stomach pain, but I was definitely weak and groggy from not eating at all on Thursday. I tried to drink and eat a little bit at a time and that really seemed to work. A word to the wise, pepto bismol is not your friend.. I know, I know.. this may be effective for some people, but definitely not for me.
Not only are my stools black and gross, but so is my tongue. The chalky, bitter taste is most definitely not worth it. I normally tried to mend things naturally, but I have been utilizing tums quite a bit. I called one of the nurses at the fertility clinic and they informed me that this will not impact our cycle in a negative way. She reminded to stay hydrated, eat bland foods, and to take it easy for the next few days. I tried to eat the dinner Justin cooked Friday night.. that was such a no go! I immediately started having stomach pains again. I could not believe it. Friday and today are our baby dancing days.. you could image how that's been going... To top it off, Ava bug woke up at three in the morning... throwing up! She threw up at least a couple different times in less than two hours. She was burning up and that was my "mama instinct" telling me to take her to the E.R. All the while her demeanor never changed, but when we got there, we were informed that her temperature was 100.6. Definitely in fever range! The good news is, she seems to be doing fine. They gave us zofran for her vomiting spell and instructed us to give tylenol.
**UPDATE** She went over 24 hours with zero puking and now we are convinced she also has the stomach bug like her mama.
♥- Leilani
Sunday, February 22, 2015
So, it finally happened. That dreaded feeling I was waiting for throughout this fertility process. That sinking feeling when you think about what you are going to do, or how you are going to feel if your cycle is unsuccessful. I keep telling myself that it'll be okay, I have a "plan b" to keep myself occupied in the next couple months if I'm not pregnant.. truth is, I don't want a plan b. I want a plan a. I never really realized how much I wanted a second baby until I finally loosened up the reigns with my first baby. I never realized how amazing it truly feels to have this supportive papa bear along for this journey that is completely passionate about being a father. I also never really realized how my small jokes about creating a baseball team was semi true. I want a large family. I want more babies. I want this baby. I want my chase for Howl baby # 2 to be successful. That is what I've been calling our experience lately. Chasing. I feel like with this "trying to conceive" journey we are literally running after this next baby. For so many selfless reasons and a bucket full of selfish ones. I look back on this past summer and I don't know where my mind was. I guess it was a good thing we weren't trying for a baby back then (considering), but I'm shocked it really took this long for me to realize that I'd like to be a mama to another sweet child right now.
Justin and I started reading parenting books again.. we started talking about birthing plans again, and we started trying to figure out what kind of birth we'd like to try with this next one... All of this talk is fun, naive, and scary. Scary because we truly don't know if these next few months will allow for this type of talk. We don't know if picking out names is necessary or looking at cute baby clothes. The unknown is such a scary feeling and I'm trying my hardest not to succumb to all of the things we don't know. I have found the silver linings in our journey and I hold them dear to me at all times. They remind me that not everything associated with fertility is uncertain. I feel happiness knowing that the medication is working this time and I've got my fingers crossed that tomorrow's ultrasound will show growing follicles that are ready to be released sometime in the next week. I remember going to that ultrasound when we were trying for Ava bug.. so many follicles. So many potential children.. It's both weird and fascinating to be able to experience that. You are literally looking at your future kids.
I'm not sure if I shared this with you guys, but we opted NOT to sign that little paper that says if you have multiples you'd like to have a "selective choice" surgery. Basically, you'd be getting rid of some of the fertilized eggs. Five kids, four kids, two? Whatever happens, we are ready. We knew what this process could potentially bring us, and we are ready. I am so ready. For the past two weeks this has been the bulk of the discussion in this home. Heck, even Ava has caught on which is why she's been toting her baby around EVERYWHERE lately. I wanted to write this out mainly for me, but also for others. Especially if you are trying to conceive right now. Some of these moments leave us in a dark place. Sometimes they leave us feeling extremely sad or overwhelmed. My message to you would be to hold on. Find support and don't be afraid to admit when you're scared. These situations aren't easy and talking about it can sometimes make it a little easier to bare.
That being said, good thoughts, good vibes, and prayers are all welcomed for our family right now. I'm praying so hard that our journey to this next baby starts from this cycle!
Happy Sunday all!
♥- Leilani
Justin and I started reading parenting books again.. we started talking about birthing plans again, and we started trying to figure out what kind of birth we'd like to try with this next one... All of this talk is fun, naive, and scary. Scary because we truly don't know if these next few months will allow for this type of talk. We don't know if picking out names is necessary or looking at cute baby clothes. The unknown is such a scary feeling and I'm trying my hardest not to succumb to all of the things we don't know. I have found the silver linings in our journey and I hold them dear to me at all times. They remind me that not everything associated with fertility is uncertain. I feel happiness knowing that the medication is working this time and I've got my fingers crossed that tomorrow's ultrasound will show growing follicles that are ready to be released sometime in the next week. I remember going to that ultrasound when we were trying for Ava bug.. so many follicles. So many potential children.. It's both weird and fascinating to be able to experience that. You are literally looking at your future kids.
I'm not sure if I shared this with you guys, but we opted NOT to sign that little paper that says if you have multiples you'd like to have a "selective choice" surgery. Basically, you'd be getting rid of some of the fertilized eggs. Five kids, four kids, two? Whatever happens, we are ready. We knew what this process could potentially bring us, and we are ready. I am so ready. For the past two weeks this has been the bulk of the discussion in this home. Heck, even Ava has caught on which is why she's been toting her baby around EVERYWHERE lately. I wanted to write this out mainly for me, but also for others. Especially if you are trying to conceive right now. Some of these moments leave us in a dark place. Sometimes they leave us feeling extremely sad or overwhelmed. My message to you would be to hold on. Find support and don't be afraid to admit when you're scared. These situations aren't easy and talking about it can sometimes make it a little easier to bare.
That being said, good thoughts, good vibes, and prayers are all welcomed for our family right now. I'm praying so hard that our journey to this next baby starts from this cycle!
Happy Sunday all!
♥- Leilani
Thursday, February 19, 2015
So, I went in for my second blood draw to check my estrogen levels this morning... Good news! My levels are steadily increasing and our reproductive endocrinologist is keeping me at my current dose to prevent over stimulation. My next appointment is Monday, and I am going in for an ultrasound and blood work to check my estrogen levels yet again. I've had two blood draws since I started taking the follistim drug, and Monday will be my first actual ultrasound where I get to see my potential babies AKA follicles. I couldn't be more excited or more nervous. Justin leaves pretty soon, so this is truly crunch time for us. In preparation of being able to take my trigger shot (HCG) I am purchasing an ovulation kit and pregnancy tests.
I keep thinking back on these very events when we were trying to conceive Ava bug, and I can't help but smile and have these extreme butterflies. Infertility is scary at times, but keeping your head high and your attitude positive makes a world of difference. I am currently on stimulation day nine and I have to say this last week has flown by so quickly. I have appreciated my husband and our daughter for their patience and kindness this past week. I have been nothing short of emotional since I started my medication and sometimes that's not easy to deal with. I've been cramping a lot more since they increased my follistim dosage on Monday, but other than that and the tiredness I haven't had any major side effects.
I am completely blown away by how great our reproductive clinic is as well as the pharmacy that they utilize for medication. Customer service has been amazing and I couldn't be more blessed to have such a sufficient staff taking care of us this time around. Not that our previous reproductive center was awful, I'm just bias when it comes to care in the Pacific Northwest. Justin and I came to a conclusion on potential names for baby Howland # 2... those names are:
♥- Leilani
I keep thinking back on these very events when we were trying to conceive Ava bug, and I can't help but smile and have these extreme butterflies. Infertility is scary at times, but keeping your head high and your attitude positive makes a world of difference. I am currently on stimulation day nine and I have to say this last week has flown by so quickly. I have appreciated my husband and our daughter for their patience and kindness this past week. I have been nothing short of emotional since I started my medication and sometimes that's not easy to deal with. I've been cramping a lot more since they increased my follistim dosage on Monday, but other than that and the tiredness I haven't had any major side effects.
I am completely blown away by how great our reproductive clinic is as well as the pharmacy that they utilize for medication. Customer service has been amazing and I couldn't be more blessed to have such a sufficient staff taking care of us this time around. Not that our previous reproductive center was awful, I'm just bias when it comes to care in the Pacific Northwest. Justin and I came to a conclusion on potential names for baby Howland # 2... those names are:
It took us a while to secure names, but these names both feel so right. We were originally going to go with Delilah.. but we'd hate for people to inevitably give her the nickname of Lilah when that wouldn't be her name. Justin was also really stuck on a junior for awhile, but that was short lived. Even though we don't know if this cycle will take or not, it's been so fun to do the baby shopping, names, etc with Justin. This is exactly what we did prior to conceiving Ava bug and it was all worth it.
Staying connected with my husband has proven to be the most important aspect of this entire journey. I'm not quite sure I'd have the encouragement I needed to kick infertility's butt if not for him. So here's the shout out that is much deserved. Justin, you are without a doubt an absolute rock star and I love you to pieces. The daily injections, the nightly foot rubs, and the constant irrational tears from me that you have to deal with.. seriously, I struck gold with you my love!
So, there it is guys. I'm so grateful for all of those who are following our journey. My readers mean so much to me, and the support you give is just incredible. That being said, baby dust our way is definitely welcomed! Stay tuned for a video of our ultrasound next Monday, and an update on where we go after Monday.
Happy Thursday all!
♥- Leilani
Monday, November 24, 2014
First ever fertility vlog
♥- Leilani
♥- Leilani
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Well, if the title of this blog post wasn't obvious enough.. I am not pregnant. I'm definitely bummed out, but I'm not upset about the outcome. It looks like we'll be starting fertility treatments here soon, and I'm hopeful about this method (as it has been successful for us in the past). I feel as if I'm starting to put too much pressure on trying to conceive. It's not a time oriented event.. in fact, whenever it occurs, we'll be over the moon about baby # 2. I don't know why all of these urgent feelings have emerged, but I plan on shutting them down. The most important goal throughout our journey is to enjoy every moment, and to relax. Especially our time with Ava. She's changing even more rapidly as of late (look out for her fifteen month post), and we literally savor the seconds with our sweet girl.
Speaking of relaxing, Justin's two weeks of block leave have been spent with extended family! We've had a blast having bbq's, explorations days, and lots of cuddles for Ava bug. It really is the most heart melting notion to see so many people shed love for our daughter. We are blessed beyond measure to have such a great, big family! I was able to grab a few family recipes from my grandmother during all of this, and I got our "four generation" family photos as a bonus! Justin's mom flew in on Sunday afternoon, and I know he's excited to show her what the Pacific Northwest has to offer. Ava has taken to new faces (surprisingly) well. It's really a toss up with how she'll respond to new people, but I'm glad she warmed up to her family fairly quick.
Also, for all my blog readers that may have "infertility" issues... I wanted to shed some light on that word. I know the first time a doctor told Justin and I that we may have fertility issues, I kind of had this awful feeling come over me. Hearing someone tell you that having children may not be an option is a really gut wrenching feeling, and it hurts. Although some journey's are scary, and others long, I just wanted to tell all of you, not to give up hope! Having done this myself, I know I have an appreciation for my daughter that I would not have, if not for the route it took to conceive her. When you fight for something you want so badly (like a child), you are so much more grateful, and appreciative then you ever thought possible.
Here's a few photos of our recent trip to Mount Rainier National Park. When I saw the rainbow, I had tears in my eyes. It reminded me not to get discouraged, to enjoy my family, and it served as a reminder that beautiful things are all around us.
Happy Tuesday all!
♥- Leilani
Speaking of relaxing, Justin's two weeks of block leave have been spent with extended family! We've had a blast having bbq's, explorations days, and lots of cuddles for Ava bug. It really is the most heart melting notion to see so many people shed love for our daughter. We are blessed beyond measure to have such a great, big family! I was able to grab a few family recipes from my grandmother during all of this, and I got our "four generation" family photos as a bonus! Justin's mom flew in on Sunday afternoon, and I know he's excited to show her what the Pacific Northwest has to offer. Ava has taken to new faces (surprisingly) well. It's really a toss up with how she'll respond to new people, but I'm glad she warmed up to her family fairly quick.
Also, for all my blog readers that may have "infertility" issues... I wanted to shed some light on that word. I know the first time a doctor told Justin and I that we may have fertility issues, I kind of had this awful feeling come over me. Hearing someone tell you that having children may not be an option is a really gut wrenching feeling, and it hurts. Although some journey's are scary, and others long, I just wanted to tell all of you, not to give up hope! Having done this myself, I know I have an appreciation for my daughter that I would not have, if not for the route it took to conceive her. When you fight for something you want so badly (like a child), you are so much more grateful, and appreciative then you ever thought possible.
Here's a few photos of our recent trip to Mount Rainier National Park. When I saw the rainbow, I had tears in my eyes. It reminded me not to get discouraged, to enjoy my family, and it served as a reminder that beautiful things are all around us.
Happy Tuesday all!
♥- Leilani
Subscribe to:
Posts
(
Atom
)