Okay.. I don't even know where to start. Let me start by saying that I am literally exhausted with infertility, Tricare, and reproductive endocrinologists. Let me also say that I have had more headaches, tears, and uncertainty in the last week than I have ever experienced in our trying to conceive journeys in the past... It is scary to feel like your body is failing you and I wish I didn't feel that way. My body isn't failing me - it just requires more work than some. Those are the words I repeat to myself on a daily basis it seems. For those of you who are just catching up, let me start from the beginning and fill you in on what's happening. At the end of January, I met with a REI (reproductive endocrinologist - infertility) and had my first consult since we tried to conceive Olivia. It went perfectly - aside from having a thickened uterine lining (no big deal though, I hadn't had a period in almost two years at this point). I immediately started taking progesterone shortly after and things were great.... until my uterine lining wasn't shedding. NO worries they put me on a more aggressive, synthetic form of progesterone to shed my lining - I BLED FOREVER... but still, the lining stayed in tact. It even grew a bit. My options now became taking a SHOT of progesterone to shed the lining (which could still result in having a D & C) OR having a D & C performed where they mechanically remove the lining (sometimes cancerous, most times just a build up of polyps, etc). I opted to have the D & C ... 

I then found out my provider wouldn't be able to see me until the end of March (he was going on spring break). I panicked at the thought of potential cancer sitting in my uterus all this time. I asked if I could have the surgery done by another physician in the practice.. I even found gynecologists in my area that could perform a D & C. Being overly eager to find a solution myself - MY "great" REI decided to drop me as a patient (i didn't find this out until the end of last week) and I was stuck with either seeing another physician at the practice or finding a new REI. As luck would have it, the physician i saw last Friday was knowledgable.. but he was also not the right fit for me. He made me nervous, I starting regretting making the switch, and I left feeling not so great about how I went about things. 

That's when I decided that if I couldn't go back to the initial REI, I'd find a different practice. It hadn't been more clear to me than in those moments that there were SO many signs that maybe this wasn't our season.. Maybe this wasn't our REI facility... maybe I needed to just take care of me before we revisit actively trying. I have never had a problem with my uterine lining shedding in the past. Never. Because of the thickened lining, I haven't been able to take follicle stimulating shots to try for baby # 3 - so the surgery and the thickened lining is a very big step in our journey. 

Dealing with insurance and providers that accept my insurance has been a nightmare. I've even tried to go into a gyno and have them tell me that REI's are the best and they take a more gentle approach with their D & C method.So that is what I am going to do. I'm currently waiting to schedule an appointment with a new fertility office to hopefully establish a great relationship with the next REI. I am going to take a deep breath and learn to be patient. Infertility isn't easy, it isn't quick, and I wish I would have respected the process the first time around. I guess the old saying proves true, "You live and you learn" because that's exactly how I feel. 

It feels good being able to share this with all of you guys. I feel like it isn't as heavy. If I lost you in all my jumble I'm going to clear that up right now..

YES we are still making our way to baby # 3, even if it takes more time than we initially though it would

YES I need to have a D & C performed to remove my thickened endometrium lining before I can take fertility medication 

YES I got fired (though Justin reminded me that I fired him first) from my initial REI and YES I am scheduling an appointment for a new facility. 

Think good thoughts, vibes, and send some prayers up for us! Journey to baby # 3 has already taken some turns we definitely didn't expect, but I'm so, so glad that Justin is here to hold my hand. We are enjoying the beautiful babies we have, respecting the process, and loving each other so much more through our bumps in the road. 

♥- Leilani

D & C

Dilation and curettage. Yes, you read that correctly. I will be having this procedure done to mechanically remove the thickened endometrial lining in my uterus. I have tried two methods of progesterone before I came to this decision and my body will just not allow my uterine lining to shed effectively. I took the 10 day pill with prometrium and 5 day pill with provera - and while both pills did create a menstrual... apparently it was breakthrough bleeding rather than a true period. If I told you guys I wasn't nervous I would be lying... Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and even then I didn't have this procedure performed. I have had a million thoughts running through my head and it has been an emotional week to say the least. I have never had an issue with my lining. EVER. I think that's why I'm so confused... but taking the time to think - this makes sense. I have PCOS AND I have also experienced a pregnancy and breastfeeding for almost the last two years combined. 

Breastfeeding suppresses the progesterone production in our bodies, so while estrogen continues to be made - there is no progesterone to shed the uterine lining. Mix that with PCOS (which already creates wonky hormone outage) and you are bound to feel the backlash eventually. To be honest with you guys, I am relieved that this is happening. If we weren't trying to conceive another baby, I'd have no idea that my lining was so thick... and I wouldn't be proactively trying to shed it. Abnormal cells can be made in a thickened lining which can in turn become cancerous... then I'd be facing a much more invasive procedure (hysterectomy) and our family planning dreams would come to an abrupt end. I am trying to keep all the positives in mind as I prep for my Pre-Op at the end of the week. Surgery is scheduled for early next week and I'm ready to start going through the motions.

Once the surgery is performed we can immediately start taking follistim to make a healthy, strong, follicle - and that has always been the end goal for us. Creating a healthy womb, healthy babe, and hopefully conceiving is the reason we sought out a fertility specialist in the first place. I'm so incredibly thankful that Justin will be on vacation for the next couple of weeks. Another perk of USAREC - being able to take vacation every three months instead of the normal twice a year block leave Justin was confined to on the line. If there is any recoop time for me, Justin will be home with the girls. Other than this surgery, this is where we are at with fertility progression. This was definitely unexpected and has set us back with timelines we were expecting... but it is okay. Everything will work out on its on! I'm just excited that we are getting one step closer. 

Here's a little diagram of how the procedure works. 

♥- Leilani

Howland Baby # 3

It is completely in my nature to bare my soul with the world (or whoever will listen, let's be real!). As much as I'd like to keep our trying to conceive plans under wraps - something is stirring inside me. Something is telling me to share and not to let the past hinder the future. I remember a familiar season like this... almost like it was yesterday. When we were trying for baby # 2, I vlogged, I blogged, I basically told EVERYONE we had ever known that we were trying for another baby. When we found out the cycle hadn't resulted in a pregnant Leilani, I was devastated. Justin was at school, I was alone with Ava, and everyone flooded us with "I'm sorry it didn't happen this time guys" vibes. It was a hard pill to swallow and I told myself that the next cycle would be a private one - and it was. That was also the cycle we conceived Miss Olivia. With Ava, we just didn't tell anyone because of the miscarriage I had a couple years before her conception. 

I have basically told myself that not sharing will result in pregnancy and not to jinx it... but I'm going to give this sharing thing another shot! I'm so stinkin' excited about another Howland babe joining our family. All my dreams as of late show me and this new baby... it feels so real. I've woken up a few times and the reality of our situation quickly takes over.. but still. I love these baby dreams. I've had people in our extended family ask why we want more kids and I think this is the perfect time to share. I think most of my long time readers, friend, and family know that Justin and I are products of "broken homes" in two different ways. My parents divorced, Justin's parents were never married, and we both experienced (many times) how it feels to not know where you belong. 

When we discussed children, before actually having children, we decided we wanted this football team of Howland kids. We wanted to create life together, nourish that life, and send them into the world knowing they ALWAYS belonged. Knowing that they were loved, cared for, wanted, prayed for, and so, so accepted. Even now we talk about how close we want to be with our kids. We want to create a tight knit, supportive, and inclusive family for our kids. We know what it feels like to grow up and not have support from family and to be honest and frank - it sucks. 

The upbringing we experienced has taught us WHAT NOT to do in life. What not to do with our children and in our marriage. I wouldn't change my life - not even a single bad moment because I know they molded me into the woman I am now. The same with Justin. He is a damn good father, husband, provider, and friend. I don't know that we'd even still be together if he were different. If our lives were different. So there you have it! The goal is to create and raise some wholesome beings. When I'm old and gray - I can only hope that those same kiddos decide to create some life of their own... As premature as these thoughts are - we are going to ROCK the grandparent sector of life. I cannot wait to experience that either. I cannot wait to give my babies' babies everything that our kids didn't have when it comes to extended family. 

We are making this HUGE ripple and I cannot tell you how amazing it feels. To wrap this up, we are trying for baby # 3. Yes, actively trying in the mists of starting follicle stimulating medicine - we are doing this! Fingers crossed this first cycle is the ticket but if it isn't, this won't be the last time we try. Good thoughts, vibes, prayers, and optimism are all welcomed you guys! I can't believe I could soon be a mama of three. I love the sound of that.

Just a picture from my appointment this morning. My uterine lining is still SUPER thick, so the goal is to shed it before I start my shots!

♥- Leilani

Green Light

Today my referral for a reproductive endocrinologist was processed and approved. When I got the email my heart just stopped. My mind instantly went back to Fort Lewis and how much harder it was to get on the journey that brought us to Olivia. Trying to get a referral from Madigan didn't happen and it was a nightmare to deal with. Since they had their own reproductive clinic within the hospital, they didn't refer patients out. They also didn't allow you to seek treatment if you didn't fit the certain stipulations they had. I was crushed. I don't know what we would have done without Seattle Reproductive Medicine. We took the non referral route and tricare definitely hates when you seek specialist care without a referral when you have PRIME. Even with the higher costs, it was worth it. We have a beautiful 11 month old baby girl because of our decision. Seeing the approval today just took me back. It was so incredibly easy for our civilian sector PCM to request it and have it processed within hours. 

Makes me even more thankful for Justin's recruiting gig for the next few years. Civilian care is so, so different from military care. They seem to not only be friendlier, but more attentive, and they take care of your needs when you are there... not after you've gone home, a week has passed, and you've been forced to make a phone call to see what the hold up is. So many positives to this side of the Army, so many! Now that the referral has been taken care of I just need to start scheduling my appointments. It truly doesn't feel like all that long ago that I was starting my fertility appointments for a second round when we conceived Olivia. I'm so nervous about a new facility though. Hopefully it all goes well and we are able to click with a provider that we like. 

This is so incredibly exciting. Justin and I just spent a good chunk of our evening going over all things baby. I can't believe our family could most definitely be expanding in just a couple of months. Ava keeps asking for a baby brother - let's see if she's right on this one! 


♥- Leilani

Six Months

I am a total emotional wrecking ball today. I don't know if it's because I'm experiencing the rare occasion where both of my girls are taking a nap, or the pain from my wisdom tooth literally ramming into the side of my cheek (need to make an appointment, but so not ready).. but I can't help but think about all the future milestones that will soon be coming. I think the most obvious is the fact that I'll have a ONE year old Olivia Rose AND an Ava bug that will be closer to four years of life than three. February also marks our TTC month for baby # 3... don't even get me started on the feels I have about that. I dream about this third baby like they are already here. It's crazy insane how you and your partner can just know that you are not done trying to create more loving littles into your family. I think Justin and I always knew we wanted this big tribe of kiddos, but never really imagined it would feel THIS amazing. Living is believing, complete understatement! But seriously, we've been talking about this third child so much lately. We ask Ava if she wants another sibling... her response? Baby brother! 

That would be some new territory. Territory that i would feel so blessed to explore. Oh man, here come the tears. I seriously cry an INSANE amount of tears in a day - if my tears were monetary.. I'd be a BAGILLIONAIRE. Here comes the kind of sad part of six months from now... It'll have been 11 months since my mom died. Reading that makes my heart just sort of rip open from the mends I've tried to make over the last five months. What hurts the most about losing someone you love (especially your parent) is facing the fact that they are gone, forever. The situation is permanent. Normally, i don't accept permanent in my life. You don't like the way you look? Change yourself. Change your clothes, your hair, run, walk, change it all. You don't like being out of the know? Read, surf the web, get involved. There are always solutions to avoid permanent situations that you don't want to be in. Death is not one of those situations. 

I keep fighting myself because I desperately need an end date. A date where i no longer feel so much pain. A day where I'm not predispositioned to panic attacks, irrational breakdowns, and feeling like I can't breath. When Ava yells, "Mama! I love you!" While my heart is full and I'm smiling.. I also get sad. I can't call my mom and tell her I love her anymore. The hurt is just going to be forever. There is no end date. The loss is permanent. Gah! I'm so sorry if you guys are crying right now. Don't! I think being transparent and raw helps with this process. I feel like most days I am doing better, but every now and again I'll have a really rough day. All I can do is wake up and try to process the feelings a little better than i did the day before. 

You know what I failed to mention before? Six months from now also means Justin and I will be celebrating SIX years of marriage! Crazy when you give birth to one of your babies on your anniversary your first thought is their birthday haha. I love it! I can't believe it'll be six years with my favorite guy! So much good coming our way here in these next six months. I can't wait to enjoy and live more of my life with my growing family. 

I hope everyone is enjoying their first Tuesday in August! 

♥- Leilani

Howland Baby # 3

Did I give some of you a heart attack? Relax! I couldn't help myself. No, I am not yet pregnant with Howland baby # 3... but it has been talked about, prayed on, and discussed more times then you would think.. (especially since our sweet Livy bean is just 10 weeks old). Justin and I have always been on the same page with kiddos..for the most part. I think after we had Ava bug, my husband would literally discuss the possibility of FIVE little Howland babes running around. While I assure you that won't be the case, we both really want to expand our family a little more... and we are going to start a lot earlier than we did the last time. A part of me was going to keep this on the hush until the impending months of TTC came about.. but after everything we've been going through lately, good news is necessary. That good news would be: We are going to be trying for another Howland bebe in less than a year. Yes, you read that correctly. We are going to try a closer age gap with Livy girl and a potential sibling.

I honestly couldn't be more excited about our decision. With Justin recruiting for the next three years, the timing is just perfect... and let's be real, is the timing ever really perfect when discussing adding little beans to the mix? Not really. But for us, everything is screaming, "GO FOR IT!" Watching our girls bond in these last few weeks have been everything to us. Adjusting to a new life in our home has been such a learning curve... one that we want to have again... and again.. I literally have been losing sleep thinking about this little babe that is just pillow talk at this point. Will we have another girl? Will we have our first son? Will there be more than one? So many questions. I do think it's kind of neat that not one of our kids will be born in the same state. Which is kind of like a living map of where we've been. Ava bug is our Georgia peach, Olivia is our Pacific Northwest babe, and a third would be a Texas addition.

I don't think I'll be sharing an extensive TTC journey like I tried to do when we were trying for Olivia, but I would like to keep my readers included in some way. We do have a good chunk of time before this is underway, but I really wanted to get these good vibes out there. In the meantime, I am still adjusting to life with two. Even on the harder days, I'm loving every single minute of motherhood. With Justin away at school, my days literally zoom right on by with both girls. We are laughing, playing, and growing so much in daddy's absence. I remember being so nervous about parenting with two by myself for six weeks... Now that we have our routine and we are comfortable, things couldn't be better. I live to watch my girls together, and I can't wait for to reference a Howland trio! 

Here's a little throwback of my pregnant belly with both Ava and Olivia. I absolutely loved being pregnant with these girls! Can't believe this time next year, I could very well be pregnant with another. 

Happy Sunday all! 

♥- Leilani