For the first time in over three years, I opened the photos I took of my mom on the last day I saw her.
Hi, Grandma
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
I am a total emotional wrecking ball today. I don't know if it's because I'm experiencing the rare occasion where both of my girls are taking a nap, or the pain from my wisdom tooth literally ramming into the side of my cheek (need to make an appointment, but so not ready).. but I can't help but think about all the future milestones that will soon be coming. I think the most obvious is the fact that I'll have a ONE year old Olivia Rose AND an Ava bug that will be closer to four years of life than three. February also marks our TTC month for baby # 3... don't even get me started on the feels I have about that. I dream about this third baby like they are already here. It's crazy insane how you and your partner can just know that you are not done trying to create more loving littles into your family. I think Justin and I always knew we wanted this big tribe of kiddos, but never really imagined it would feel THIS amazing. Living is believing, complete understatement! But seriously, we've been talking about this third child so much lately. We ask Ava if she wants another sibling... her response? Baby brother!
That would be some new territory. Territory that i would feel so blessed to explore. Oh man, here come the tears. I seriously cry an INSANE amount of tears in a day - if my tears were monetary.. I'd be a BAGILLIONAIRE. Here comes the kind of sad part of six months from now... It'll have been 11 months since my mom died. Reading that makes my heart just sort of rip open from the mends I've tried to make over the last five months. What hurts the most about losing someone you love (especially your parent) is facing the fact that they are gone, forever. The situation is permanent. Normally, i don't accept permanent in my life. You don't like the way you look? Change yourself. Change your clothes, your hair, run, walk, change it all. You don't like being out of the know? Read, surf the web, get involved. There are always solutions to avoid permanent situations that you don't want to be in. Death is not one of those situations.
I keep fighting myself because I desperately need an end date. A date where i no longer feel so much pain. A day where I'm not predispositioned to panic attacks, irrational breakdowns, and feeling like I can't breath. When Ava yells, "Mama! I love you!" While my heart is full and I'm smiling.. I also get sad. I can't call my mom and tell her I love her anymore. The hurt is just going to be forever. There is no end date. The loss is permanent. Gah! I'm so sorry if you guys are crying right now. Don't! I think being transparent and raw helps with this process. I feel like most days I am doing better, but every now and again I'll have a really rough day. All I can do is wake up and try to process the feelings a little better than i did the day before.
You know what I failed to mention before? Six months from now also means Justin and I will be celebrating SIX years of marriage! Crazy when you give birth to one of your babies on your anniversary your first thought is their birthday haha. I love it! I can't believe it'll be six years with my favorite guy! So much good coming our way here in these next six months. I can't wait to enjoy and live more of my life with my growing family.
I hope everyone is enjoying their first Tuesday in August!
♥- Leilani
That would be some new territory. Territory that i would feel so blessed to explore. Oh man, here come the tears. I seriously cry an INSANE amount of tears in a day - if my tears were monetary.. I'd be a BAGILLIONAIRE. Here comes the kind of sad part of six months from now... It'll have been 11 months since my mom died. Reading that makes my heart just sort of rip open from the mends I've tried to make over the last five months. What hurts the most about losing someone you love (especially your parent) is facing the fact that they are gone, forever. The situation is permanent. Normally, i don't accept permanent in my life. You don't like the way you look? Change yourself. Change your clothes, your hair, run, walk, change it all. You don't like being out of the know? Read, surf the web, get involved. There are always solutions to avoid permanent situations that you don't want to be in. Death is not one of those situations.
I keep fighting myself because I desperately need an end date. A date where i no longer feel so much pain. A day where I'm not predispositioned to panic attacks, irrational breakdowns, and feeling like I can't breath. When Ava yells, "Mama! I love you!" While my heart is full and I'm smiling.. I also get sad. I can't call my mom and tell her I love her anymore. The hurt is just going to be forever. There is no end date. The loss is permanent. Gah! I'm so sorry if you guys are crying right now. Don't! I think being transparent and raw helps with this process. I feel like most days I am doing better, but every now and again I'll have a really rough day. All I can do is wake up and try to process the feelings a little better than i did the day before.
You know what I failed to mention before? Six months from now also means Justin and I will be celebrating SIX years of marriage! Crazy when you give birth to one of your babies on your anniversary your first thought is their birthday haha. I love it! I can't believe it'll be six years with my favorite guy! So much good coming our way here in these next six months. I can't wait to enjoy and live more of my life with my growing family.
I hope everyone is enjoying their first Tuesday in August!
♥- Leilani
Monday, March 14, 2016
I keep repeating that in my head over and over. It's been just over 72 hours since I got the call that my mother passed and it still feels like that can't be possible. I keep replaying the past week in my head and I feel numb. The last time I talked to my mom just happened to be my birthday. March 7th. She hadn't called me at all during the morning or afternoon, and truthfully... I was hurt. I thought maybe she forgot... but then I thought, how can you forget your child's birthday? I called her later on in the day and she answered. The first thing I asked was why she hadn't called. She kept apologizing saying she was so sorry, that she was feeling really sick, and that she had the flu. She said she had been sleeping all day. She said she was tired. She said Happy Birthday, baby. Still feeling a little sour, I got off the phone to let her get some rest.
If I knew that March 7th would be the last time I talked to my mom, I would have tried to talk with her for just a moment longer. March 8th rolled around and again, my mom had been sleeping all day. Too weak to answer her phone. This progressed throughout the rest of the week I'm told. I got a call on Friday from my mom's good friend Susan, basically telling me she did not think my mom was going to make it through this. When I heard those words, I took them with a grain of salt. My mom had pulmonary hypertension. Her life expectancy had long passed, and there was no way that the flu could beat my mom. The next thing that Susan said will reside with me the rest of my life. She said the last three days that my mom had been non-responsive. That is why she wasn't able to answer the phone, or make calls. She had been sleeping all day, she wasn't eating, and she was in diapers because she could no longer go to the restroom by herself. Her medication was being crushed up and placed into pudding because she no longer had the strength to take them.
I remember feeling a lump in my throat in those moments. The tears started to stream down my face and I called Justin just bawling. It was that conversation that made me realize, this really could be it Leilani. The hospice nurse advised us to start making funeral preparations, so I did. I located a family owned business (who turned out to be just what we needed in every way) and I began to inquire about their services. I had no idea that just 4 short hours later, I'd be calling again arranging transportation for my mother's body to be picked up. There are so many things I keep replaying over and over and I still feel like this isn't me going through this. This can't be me. I've been flashing back to all the moments I've had with my mom. I flash back to my first choir concert, my first volleyball game, the first time I made the honor roll, the first time I rode a bike. The time I didn't come straight home with my sister after school, the Christmas she bought me my first set of Harry Potter books. The car rides to school shouting out journey and the best of Rod Stewart. When she stayed by my side in the hospital while i recovered from viral meningitis. The time she hugged me after my first break up, the first time she caught me in a lie because of a boy. All the "I love yous" she gave me.
I keep flipping through the reel of my life and this wasn't suppose to be in it. Maybe I have been in denial these last few years? Maybe I thought she'd beat the odds? Nights are the worst right now. All the moments of my childhood that I needed her and she was there.. those are the moments that keep flooding in. I can't bare to look at her pictures. Every time i do, I break out in inconsolable tears.
I miss you mom.
♥- Leilani
If I knew that March 7th would be the last time I talked to my mom, I would have tried to talk with her for just a moment longer. March 8th rolled around and again, my mom had been sleeping all day. Too weak to answer her phone. This progressed throughout the rest of the week I'm told. I got a call on Friday from my mom's good friend Susan, basically telling me she did not think my mom was going to make it through this. When I heard those words, I took them with a grain of salt. My mom had pulmonary hypertension. Her life expectancy had long passed, and there was no way that the flu could beat my mom. The next thing that Susan said will reside with me the rest of my life. She said the last three days that my mom had been non-responsive. That is why she wasn't able to answer the phone, or make calls. She had been sleeping all day, she wasn't eating, and she was in diapers because she could no longer go to the restroom by herself. Her medication was being crushed up and placed into pudding because she no longer had the strength to take them.
I remember feeling a lump in my throat in those moments. The tears started to stream down my face and I called Justin just bawling. It was that conversation that made me realize, this really could be it Leilani. The hospice nurse advised us to start making funeral preparations, so I did. I located a family owned business (who turned out to be just what we needed in every way) and I began to inquire about their services. I had no idea that just 4 short hours later, I'd be calling again arranging transportation for my mother's body to be picked up. There are so many things I keep replaying over and over and I still feel like this isn't me going through this. This can't be me. I've been flashing back to all the moments I've had with my mom. I flash back to my first choir concert, my first volleyball game, the first time I made the honor roll, the first time I rode a bike. The time I didn't come straight home with my sister after school, the Christmas she bought me my first set of Harry Potter books. The car rides to school shouting out journey and the best of Rod Stewart. When she stayed by my side in the hospital while i recovered from viral meningitis. The time she hugged me after my first break up, the first time she caught me in a lie because of a boy. All the "I love yous" she gave me.
I keep flipping through the reel of my life and this wasn't suppose to be in it. Maybe I have been in denial these last few years? Maybe I thought she'd beat the odds? Nights are the worst right now. All the moments of my childhood that I needed her and she was there.. those are the moments that keep flooding in. I can't bare to look at her pictures. Every time i do, I break out in inconsolable tears.
I miss you mom.
♥- Leilani
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
I'm already emotional about writing this, but 2014 had some really great memories. I know that we are going to start 2015 fresh with a bang! Here's a timeline of what this past year looked like for my family and I:
The Howland's moved to the upper left of the United States and we were reunited with my family. This was made possible because of the compassion reassignment request (for my mom) being approved. Ava bug and I took our first plane ride together (without daddy), and our sweet girl started crawling within days after our PCS. Ava turned eight months old and her first set of teeth came in. Last, but certainly not least, Justin and I celebrated three years of marriage!
We had our first family valentine pictures taken a few days before Ava turned nine months old, my sweet girl experienced snow for the first time, and we went to the Seattle Aquarium for the first time together. We started actively baby proofing this month because our girl could get into almost everything on her level. Ava started feeding herself more and more, and this mama went on a total hippy kick. We also watched our BRONCOS get beat pretty badly during the Superbowl.
Ava's two top teeth cut, we started using big girl cups, and Bug took her first steps. We celebrated Easter with my family and we officially switched our girl to a convertible seat. We also started using our ring slings A LOT more this month. We spent some time down at the waterfront in Tacoma and Ava got to meet Miss Jennifer!
May might have been the best month of my life. My sweetheart turned 24 and my child turned one year old! Ava was full blown walking by her first birthday, and she experienced her first cake smash! Daddy started WLC (military school) and Ava decided to ditch baby foods completely. Washington weather warmed up tremendously, so Ava got to use her first baby pool. I had my first mother's day and Justin made it one for the books, as did my parents! Ava also got her first pedicure. She's such a girly girl and I love it! I also became FRG leader for Justin's previous company.
Daddy spent a long month away at NTC, I introduced the potty with Ava, and I officially started putting Ava bug in her crib. I purchased Ava bug her first pair of big girl sneakers and SHE finally got over her fear of grass. We experimented with paint for the first time and made daddy some awesome gifts for Father's day. Washington weather got so much hotter this month, so Ava had a few different trips to the river.
Justin and I had our first date night since deployment! We had family photos taken at the beach in Seattle, and we considered prepping for baby # 2. I told myself I was going to wean Ava this month... (didn't happen) and I fell in love with the fourth trimester bodies project. Justin decided to actively ride his motorcycle.
Justin and I celebrated four years together! We took Ava to the drive-ins a couple times, Ava experienced her first county fair, and we had my mother in-law out for a visit. We went to Mt. Rainier, Seattle, and a bunch of other random places to show Arleen the beauty of Washington. I had my first appointment with Madigan's endocrinologist, and I had a mature follicle! We tried naturally to conceive, but ultimately the tests were BFNs. Ava had her first late night out, and I got a massive spider bite that gave me some serious reactions.
I forced myself to commit to photography. I got my first DSLR camera and I tried to own it from the start! Our family took a trip to the coast, and Ava got to watch her first sunset. Our Mazda decided to break down on us, resulting in us getting a family SUV. We started the process of purchasing our first home and Justin got LASIK eye surgery. Ava started all of her toddler classes, and we went to our first state fair as a family!
Ava and daddy started "daddy daughter dates" and this mama started taking more time for herself. Ava turned 18 months old, and we officially made the decision to wait a little longer for trying to conceive another baby. I experienced a shift in emotion towards breastfeeding and we celebrated Thanksgiving with my family. Ava picked out her first tree ornament, and we put up the tree BEFORE the first of December! We celebrated my nana's birthday (rest in peace nana) and we also got a bit of snow! I made my first DIY backdrop and officially became obsessed with DIY projects. Justin sold his motorcycle!
We had our family Christmas photos taken, Ava got a god mama, and we made a DIY growth chart for Ava bug. We made our first gingerbread house,saw the zoo lights, and played in the snow on Mount Rainier. Justin's grandfather passed away this month, and while it's still hard for him, we keep our hearts full of all the good memories we had with him. We also made the decision to move closer to Justin's job!
I am positive there are a lot of things I left off of this recap, but this year was definitely all about growth. Growing as parents, lovers, and a family. Next month marks ONE year of us being in Washington state, and I can hardly wait to see what adventures we get into! Thank you ALL so much for tagging along for our journey. I hope my readers bring in 2015 with love, friends, and family!
HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL!
♥- Leilani
January
February
March
I turned 23 years old, and the mister was away for training. Luckily I got to spend my special day with m family. We took our first family trip to Pike Place Market and ate at the infamous crab pot. Ava started dancing around like crazy and she stood up by herself UNASSISTED! I made the decision to become more of a spoken advocate for breastfeeding and attachment parenting. Best. Decision. Ever. Ava bug also had her first park playdate.
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
Ava bug met one of her best pals, Zoe! I met an awesome new mama friend, Tausha. We noticed a spike in Ava's development this month. She became more aware of her body, our actions, and her emotions. Ava and I started crafting hardcore. We made turkeys in October... I embarked on a 365 day photo challenge that has already changed my views and my life immensely. Ava got her first halloween costume (my little lady bug) and Ava and Justin had their first trip to the pumpkin farm! This was also the first month that we attended a halloween function for Justin's Battalion. I also got a new lens for my camera.
November
December
I am positive there are a lot of things I left off of this recap, but this year was definitely all about growth. Growing as parents, lovers, and a family. Next month marks ONE year of us being in Washington state, and I can hardly wait to see what adventures we get into! Thank you ALL so much for tagging along for our journey. I hope my readers bring in 2015 with love, friends, and family!
HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL!
♥- Leilani
Friday, December 19, 2014
It's been 48 hours since we got the first phone call about Justin's grandfather and things are slightly better than they were just the other day. Justin is embracing all the good that can come from heartbreaking situations of loss, and for that I am eternally grateful. I hate seeing my husband hurt, I hate seeing our families hurt, but I am becoming a stronger person through this experience. I'm making sure to call everyone in New York at least once a day just to offer up some support and to check on them. In an effort to keep Justin's spirits up, we are taking a few trips while he is on block leave. They start this weekend with a trip to Leavenworth, Washington. We are attending the Christmas tree light ceremony and we are going to explore all that this little German town has to offer. I've heard really good things about it, so I'm hoping that my babies have a good time while we are there, and we will be with some of my family, and family is always good company for us.
We got an update on the ceremony arrangements for Papoo, and it looks they will be in the Spring. Sometime in April is what we are being told, so our New York trip that would have been in February with just Ava bug and myself, will now be in April with daddy. I'm content with this for more than one reason. Justin will actually be apart of the full military service that his grandfather is receiving, it's not going to be freezing weather, and we are going to try and cram in a birthday bash, since Ava bug's second birthday and Justin's 25th would just be a couple weeks away. I'm hopeful that even though our reasons for going aren't joyous, that we will still make the trip a memorable one nonetheless.
I also wrote this blog to inform ALL of you how grateful we are for all the support we have received. Since posting my last blog, I have received over 50 emails from people giving us prayers and letting us know that we are in their thoughts. That means more to me than any of you will ever know. Most of those emails are from readers of mine, people I have never met. The kindness you show is truly inspiring and it is entirely moving. I also want to thank all of my family and friends for praying over us, checking up on us, and offering your support where ever it is needed. We are blessed to live a life where so many care for us so deeply. Our gratitude is in full swing and again, I couldn't ask for a better support system.
I know the healing process is still bare and new, but I'm praying that this loss only continues to bring our family closer together. Here is a link to Papoo's obituary (as requested). If you decide to leave words for our family, please keep in mind that this is still a fresh cut, and people are healing in their own ways.
♥- Leilani
We got an update on the ceremony arrangements for Papoo, and it looks they will be in the Spring. Sometime in April is what we are being told, so our New York trip that would have been in February with just Ava bug and myself, will now be in April with daddy. I'm content with this for more than one reason. Justin will actually be apart of the full military service that his grandfather is receiving, it's not going to be freezing weather, and we are going to try and cram in a birthday bash, since Ava bug's second birthday and Justin's 25th would just be a couple weeks away. I'm hopeful that even though our reasons for going aren't joyous, that we will still make the trip a memorable one nonetheless.
I also wrote this blog to inform ALL of you how grateful we are for all the support we have received. Since posting my last blog, I have received over 50 emails from people giving us prayers and letting us know that we are in their thoughts. That means more to me than any of you will ever know. Most of those emails are from readers of mine, people I have never met. The kindness you show is truly inspiring and it is entirely moving. I also want to thank all of my family and friends for praying over us, checking up on us, and offering your support where ever it is needed. We are blessed to live a life where so many care for us so deeply. Our gratitude is in full swing and again, I couldn't ask for a better support system.
I know the healing process is still bare and new, but I'm praying that this loss only continues to bring our family closer together. Here is a link to Papoo's obituary (as requested). If you decide to leave words for our family, please keep in mind that this is still a fresh cut, and people are healing in their own ways.
♥- Leilani
Thursday, December 18, 2014
I never imagined that I'd be writing a post like this so soon. I also never imagined that the first time Ava met her great-grandfather would be her last. Yesterday was a rough day. No, rough doesn't begin to describe the knots, the tears, and the heartbreak that yesterday brought on. It started in the morning, at 3:56 a.m. Justin's phone began to ring and he instantly hopped out of bed. I'm sure he thought it was work related, but when he grabbed his phone his sleepy eyes had a look of complete confusion. I was awake at this point and I remember my husband saying, "Why is my mom calling at this hour?" I immediately felt a pit in my stomach. My mother in-law has never called us this early. I knew something was wrong. Justin went back to bed as if the phone call meant nothing. I knew better. I called Arleen back immediately, and I knew from the tone of her voice, that what she had to say was not good. She told me that she was on her way to the hospital. She mumbled something about Papoo, a lost heartbeat, and paramedics. My mind was a complete blur. In all the calls I'd received pertaining to Pop's health, they never once said that he wasn't breathing. They'd never once said he didn't have a heartbeat. I knew this time was different. I collected myself in the final moments of our conversation, I told her I'd tell Justin, and we hung up the phone.
Walking back to my bed took much longer than it should of. I could tell Justin wasn't completely asleep, and I'd wondered if he'd heard part of my conversation. I nudged his arm and I said his name. Once he acknowledged, I shared the information that was just given to me moments before. I wasn't surprised when my husband wasn't an immediate wreck. His Pop is a tough guy and again, we'd been down the hospitalization route with him before. Little did I know, when Justin did leave for work less than half an hour later, he fought back tears on the drive. I tried to go back to sleep because Ava bug wasn't due to wake up for at least three more hours. I remember waking up at a little after six and giving my MIL a call back just for an update. At this point, Papoo was on a ventilator because he wasn't breathing on his own. Apparently, Pop's heartbeat stopped for the twenty whole minutes that it took for the ambulance to arrive. This meant that he was facing potential brain damage, and all of his organs had shut down at this point. I didn't want to believe it. I also didn't want to face the fact that I was the one who had to deliver the news to my husband.
I allowed myself to let warm tears run down my face before I mustered up the courage to make the call. I kept thinking about the first time I'd met Arthur. He was so nice to me from the very start. He called me kiddo, California girl, and he was always willing to engage in conversation. He told me his Navy stories, biker stories, he even shared advice on certain cooking tips. He had light blue eyes and such a warm smile. I remember thinking back on the first trip we made to New York... Arthur had a lot of friends. There were always visitors at their home. People laughing, sharing coffee, and tons of funny conversation. He was the example of what a grandfather should be. I never got the chance to meet either of mine, so Papoo was always a special guy to me.
Once I snapped out of those happy thoughts, I called my husband. When he answered, I felt a lump in my throat. I staggered a bit, but I finally got the words out. He was silent. I know he was taking his time to let the news sink in. He waited a moment longer before he said, " I can't believe this." I could tell how surreal this was for him. His Nana and his Papoo were always vital parts of his life, and for the first time in 23 years, his constant was being shaken. That's pretty much how the rest of our day went. I would get an update on Arthur's situation, and then I'd call Justin and let him know. At one point I starting thinking about Justin's Nana and if she was alone in the room with her husband. I immediately called the ICU unit of the hospital and got them to send me through to his room. Nana picked up and thankfully she let me know she was in good company. Almost all of the immediate family showed up to the hospital for Arthur. That was just a clear view of how loved he was. Nana told me that the specialist was coming in shortly to remove Pop from the ventilator. He signed a DNR form so we all knew what removing him from the ventilator was.
This woman is tough as nails I thought to myself. She held it together, and I can only hope that I have this same grace if (God forbid), I am ever in the same situation. I immediately called Justin to let him know this final update, and I told him that he should definitely come home. I told him that we should try to see if a family member could face time us, so we could see his grandfather one last time. I could tell after this last call that my husband was far from okay. He sounded jumbled, he sounded a little disoriented. He finished up some paperwork and then he headed home for this inevitable part of the day. Before we could even think about doing anything, we got a call from Justin's brother. Arthur passed just minutes before he called. According to the family, he went peacefully. Our home was really quiet after that. I cried, Justin was completely heartbroken, and our baby girl was so confused. She dished out hugs, kisses, and smiles.. still she couldn't quite wrap her mind around why mommy and daddy were so sad.
I tried my best to make it short. I don't like shifting Ava's mood when she can't understand what's going on. I've never seen my husband sad in this way before. I'v never seen him look so broken or misplaced. I could feel the guilt of not being in his home state seeping through his eyes. I could feel the guilt of not being in touch more in his embrace. Everything he felt, I decided to take the weight of. I still wish there was a way that I could shield my husband and our baby from this type of ache. The shock has yet to wear off. I didn't think I was going to share the details of yesterday, but writing is the only way I know how to cope.
Here's a video from our last visit with Papoo. I thank the heavens above that we were able to celebrate his 70th birthday with him and our (then) two month old baby girl. We love you Papoo and we will miss you for the rest of our days! I promise to tell all the future Howland babies and Ava bug all about you.
♥- Leilani
Walking back to my bed took much longer than it should of. I could tell Justin wasn't completely asleep, and I'd wondered if he'd heard part of my conversation. I nudged his arm and I said his name. Once he acknowledged, I shared the information that was just given to me moments before. I wasn't surprised when my husband wasn't an immediate wreck. His Pop is a tough guy and again, we'd been down the hospitalization route with him before. Little did I know, when Justin did leave for work less than half an hour later, he fought back tears on the drive. I tried to go back to sleep because Ava bug wasn't due to wake up for at least three more hours. I remember waking up at a little after six and giving my MIL a call back just for an update. At this point, Papoo was on a ventilator because he wasn't breathing on his own. Apparently, Pop's heartbeat stopped for the twenty whole minutes that it took for the ambulance to arrive. This meant that he was facing potential brain damage, and all of his organs had shut down at this point. I didn't want to believe it. I also didn't want to face the fact that I was the one who had to deliver the news to my husband.
I allowed myself to let warm tears run down my face before I mustered up the courage to make the call. I kept thinking about the first time I'd met Arthur. He was so nice to me from the very start. He called me kiddo, California girl, and he was always willing to engage in conversation. He told me his Navy stories, biker stories, he even shared advice on certain cooking tips. He had light blue eyes and such a warm smile. I remember thinking back on the first trip we made to New York... Arthur had a lot of friends. There were always visitors at their home. People laughing, sharing coffee, and tons of funny conversation. He was the example of what a grandfather should be. I never got the chance to meet either of mine, so Papoo was always a special guy to me.
Once I snapped out of those happy thoughts, I called my husband. When he answered, I felt a lump in my throat. I staggered a bit, but I finally got the words out. He was silent. I know he was taking his time to let the news sink in. He waited a moment longer before he said, " I can't believe this." I could tell how surreal this was for him. His Nana and his Papoo were always vital parts of his life, and for the first time in 23 years, his constant was being shaken. That's pretty much how the rest of our day went. I would get an update on Arthur's situation, and then I'd call Justin and let him know. At one point I starting thinking about Justin's Nana and if she was alone in the room with her husband. I immediately called the ICU unit of the hospital and got them to send me through to his room. Nana picked up and thankfully she let me know she was in good company. Almost all of the immediate family showed up to the hospital for Arthur. That was just a clear view of how loved he was. Nana told me that the specialist was coming in shortly to remove Pop from the ventilator. He signed a DNR form so we all knew what removing him from the ventilator was.
This woman is tough as nails I thought to myself. She held it together, and I can only hope that I have this same grace if (God forbid), I am ever in the same situation. I immediately called Justin to let him know this final update, and I told him that he should definitely come home. I told him that we should try to see if a family member could face time us, so we could see his grandfather one last time. I could tell after this last call that my husband was far from okay. He sounded jumbled, he sounded a little disoriented. He finished up some paperwork and then he headed home for this inevitable part of the day. Before we could even think about doing anything, we got a call from Justin's brother. Arthur passed just minutes before he called. According to the family, he went peacefully. Our home was really quiet after that. I cried, Justin was completely heartbroken, and our baby girl was so confused. She dished out hugs, kisses, and smiles.. still she couldn't quite wrap her mind around why mommy and daddy were so sad.
I tried my best to make it short. I don't like shifting Ava's mood when she can't understand what's going on. I've never seen my husband sad in this way before. I'v never seen him look so broken or misplaced. I could feel the guilt of not being in his home state seeping through his eyes. I could feel the guilt of not being in touch more in his embrace. Everything he felt, I decided to take the weight of. I still wish there was a way that I could shield my husband and our baby from this type of ache. The shock has yet to wear off. I didn't think I was going to share the details of yesterday, but writing is the only way I know how to cope.
Here's a video from our last visit with Papoo. I thank the heavens above that we were able to celebrate his 70th birthday with him and our (then) two month old baby girl. We love you Papoo and we will miss you for the rest of our days! I promise to tell all the future Howland babies and Ava bug all about you.
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(
Atom
)