This journey was emotional even before it began.
Hawaii: Hukiku-Kelua Family Reunion
Thursday, July 21, 2022
When my mom passed away there were certain things I couldn't bring myself to throw out or delete. Her cell phone number was one of them.
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
I am a total emotional wrecking ball today. I don't know if it's because I'm experiencing the rare occasion where both of my girls are taking a nap, or the pain from my wisdom tooth literally ramming into the side of my cheek (need to make an appointment, but so not ready).. but I can't help but think about all the future milestones that will soon be coming. I think the most obvious is the fact that I'll have a ONE year old Olivia Rose AND an Ava bug that will be closer to four years of life than three. February also marks our TTC month for baby # 3... don't even get me started on the feels I have about that. I dream about this third baby like they are already here. It's crazy insane how you and your partner can just know that you are not done trying to create more loving littles into your family. I think Justin and I always knew we wanted this big tribe of kiddos, but never really imagined it would feel THIS amazing. Living is believing, complete understatement! But seriously, we've been talking about this third child so much lately. We ask Ava if she wants another sibling... her response? Baby brother!
That would be some new territory. Territory that i would feel so blessed to explore. Oh man, here come the tears. I seriously cry an INSANE amount of tears in a day - if my tears were monetary.. I'd be a BAGILLIONAIRE. Here comes the kind of sad part of six months from now... It'll have been 11 months since my mom died. Reading that makes my heart just sort of rip open from the mends I've tried to make over the last five months. What hurts the most about losing someone you love (especially your parent) is facing the fact that they are gone, forever. The situation is permanent. Normally, i don't accept permanent in my life. You don't like the way you look? Change yourself. Change your clothes, your hair, run, walk, change it all. You don't like being out of the know? Read, surf the web, get involved. There are always solutions to avoid permanent situations that you don't want to be in. Death is not one of those situations.
I keep fighting myself because I desperately need an end date. A date where i no longer feel so much pain. A day where I'm not predispositioned to panic attacks, irrational breakdowns, and feeling like I can't breath. When Ava yells, "Mama! I love you!" While my heart is full and I'm smiling.. I also get sad. I can't call my mom and tell her I love her anymore. The hurt is just going to be forever. There is no end date. The loss is permanent. Gah! I'm so sorry if you guys are crying right now. Don't! I think being transparent and raw helps with this process. I feel like most days I am doing better, but every now and again I'll have a really rough day. All I can do is wake up and try to process the feelings a little better than i did the day before.
You know what I failed to mention before? Six months from now also means Justin and I will be celebrating SIX years of marriage! Crazy when you give birth to one of your babies on your anniversary your first thought is their birthday haha. I love it! I can't believe it'll be six years with my favorite guy! So much good coming our way here in these next six months. I can't wait to enjoy and live more of my life with my growing family.
I hope everyone is enjoying their first Tuesday in August!
♥- Leilani
That would be some new territory. Territory that i would feel so blessed to explore. Oh man, here come the tears. I seriously cry an INSANE amount of tears in a day - if my tears were monetary.. I'd be a BAGILLIONAIRE. Here comes the kind of sad part of six months from now... It'll have been 11 months since my mom died. Reading that makes my heart just sort of rip open from the mends I've tried to make over the last five months. What hurts the most about losing someone you love (especially your parent) is facing the fact that they are gone, forever. The situation is permanent. Normally, i don't accept permanent in my life. You don't like the way you look? Change yourself. Change your clothes, your hair, run, walk, change it all. You don't like being out of the know? Read, surf the web, get involved. There are always solutions to avoid permanent situations that you don't want to be in. Death is not one of those situations.
I keep fighting myself because I desperately need an end date. A date where i no longer feel so much pain. A day where I'm not predispositioned to panic attacks, irrational breakdowns, and feeling like I can't breath. When Ava yells, "Mama! I love you!" While my heart is full and I'm smiling.. I also get sad. I can't call my mom and tell her I love her anymore. The hurt is just going to be forever. There is no end date. The loss is permanent. Gah! I'm so sorry if you guys are crying right now. Don't! I think being transparent and raw helps with this process. I feel like most days I am doing better, but every now and again I'll have a really rough day. All I can do is wake up and try to process the feelings a little better than i did the day before.
You know what I failed to mention before? Six months from now also means Justin and I will be celebrating SIX years of marriage! Crazy when you give birth to one of your babies on your anniversary your first thought is their birthday haha. I love it! I can't believe it'll be six years with my favorite guy! So much good coming our way here in these next six months. I can't wait to enjoy and live more of my life with my growing family.
I hope everyone is enjoying their first Tuesday in August!
♥- Leilani
Saturday, October 10, 2015
With Ava and I both not feeling our best, the constant rain/wind, and the mundane routine of staying indoors until we are better... things are starting to get pretty blurred and repetitive. I feel so bad that my baby isn't having "fun" like she should. I feel bad that we missed a special trip to Oregon to celebrate with friends of ours on an amazing milestone in their new journey. I also feel bad that I'm forcing myself to be in good spirits, when Lord knows I really don't want to right now. I've been having restless nights, my free time when Ava goes to bed is spent doing copious amounts of math homework, and I'm starting to miss my mama a bit more. I don't think I've talked about my mom on the blog in a long, long while... and trust me, it was intentional. Bottom line is, she's not doing well. She up and moved to California with giving me less than a week's notice, and things have been pretty downhill since then. She's been hospitalized more times during her stay in California, than I can remember her being hospitalized in the last five months in Washington. Her catheter line was ripped from her chest, put back in the incorrect place, and she ended up right back at the hospital after the procedure due to blacking out.
So, yeah...things are tough right now. I really don't want to touch too much more on the subject, but I know a lot of my readers are worried about me. While I appreciate the love and support, I just have a lot more going on than I've been sharing. Justin being gone has made me extremely emotional, but that's my husband's job. I think not having his tangible support has been more difficult. When I just need someone to fall into and cry.. he's my go to.. now that I don't have that, I've had to find other ways to cope and keep myself as relaxed as possible. I try to keep my mind off of *triggers* like my mom, but it's hard. I'm facing something inevitably heartbreaking, and it feels like a ticking bomb. If I let myself think about it too much, I get really sad. I don't like being sad in front of Ava, or for the sake of my unborn, Olivia.
I keep my strong face on pretty much all day, until I'm left to deal with things when I'm alone. I've been doing some praying, some yoga, and just trying to keep us as busy as possible indoors. If it's one thing I've realized in these last few months, it's that life is extremely delicate. While being indoors for a week straight isn't my idea of fun, I'm just glad that I have Ava bug to love on and care for. I'm also grateful for her laughter, because that alone uplifts me in unexplainable ways. I want to post my all time favorite picture of my mom and I when I was a baby. This picture is forever embedded into my head because it is a reminder of happier times. It is a reminder that I had my mother for 24 years of my life, and despite the obvious mistakes all parents make, she was a darn good mama bear to my sister and I. I hope I remember her this way for always. My beautiful mother, smiling, and loving on me for always.
I love you mom.
♥- Leilani
So, yeah...things are tough right now. I really don't want to touch too much more on the subject, but I know a lot of my readers are worried about me. While I appreciate the love and support, I just have a lot more going on than I've been sharing. Justin being gone has made me extremely emotional, but that's my husband's job. I think not having his tangible support has been more difficult. When I just need someone to fall into and cry.. he's my go to.. now that I don't have that, I've had to find other ways to cope and keep myself as relaxed as possible. I try to keep my mind off of *triggers* like my mom, but it's hard. I'm facing something inevitably heartbreaking, and it feels like a ticking bomb. If I let myself think about it too much, I get really sad. I don't like being sad in front of Ava, or for the sake of my unborn, Olivia.
I keep my strong face on pretty much all day, until I'm left to deal with things when I'm alone. I've been doing some praying, some yoga, and just trying to keep us as busy as possible indoors. If it's one thing I've realized in these last few months, it's that life is extremely delicate. While being indoors for a week straight isn't my idea of fun, I'm just glad that I have Ava bug to love on and care for. I'm also grateful for her laughter, because that alone uplifts me in unexplainable ways. I want to post my all time favorite picture of my mom and I when I was a baby. This picture is forever embedded into my head because it is a reminder of happier times. It is a reminder that I had my mother for 24 years of my life, and despite the obvious mistakes all parents make, she was a darn good mama bear to my sister and I. I hope I remember her this way for always. My beautiful mother, smiling, and loving on me for always.
I love you mom.
♥- Leilani
Monday, June 9, 2014
This weekend was probably one of the best weekends of my life. I separated myself from technology, stress, and all of the trivial "duties" that need tending in my world. I spent time with my family and I just allowed myself to breath. I had fun. I laughed, I smiled, and I lived in our moments together. I found ways to be romantic and giddy with Justin. Yes, even while spending time with our daughter. I allowed myself to really, really grasp just how strong the relationship is between Ava bug and her daddy. I found over a dozen new things about Ava that just had me gushing and thankful to be her mama. I paid attention to the small details. I can't remember the last time I spent sixty seconds looking at a caterpillar on the ground. Granted, caterpillars are rather boring, but the fact that I spent the time to look at all.. just wow.
I have never felt more in sync with my family like I did this weekend. Mommy was there. I mean mommy was really there. I didn't have anything else on my mind other than what I was doing at the time. That is a rare occasion. Throughout a normal day I am always making mental to-do lists, even when I'm trying to relax. It's kind of annoying how routine this has become for me. I plan on rectifying this. Maybe not all the time, but at least during the time I spend with my family. I can't tell you how great it felt to go out and explore the beautiful state I grew up in. I'm pretty sure my love for the Pacific Northwest has been amplified (if that's possible), and being in the sunshine all weekend was definitely a bonus.
Sometimes, exploring makes me a bit sad. I think about how happy I am to be home, but I am constantly reminded of why we are home. There are a lot of things my mom can't do with us, and it makes my heart hurt. Her condition is gradually getting worse, and it truly is heartbreaking to watch. Some of you may have noticed I try to keep my mom out of my blog posts. Her illness is actually pretty painful for me to discuss, and I still have all kinds of mixed emotions about it. I don't know if I'll ever be able to publicly express what our family is going through, but I do keep a journal to document my experience with my mama and her pulmonary hypertension.
Time may not be on our side these days, but I'm taking life's lemons and I'm making a conscious effort to extend the quality of my life. I'm making sure that I spend my time with those I love most. I'm allowing myself to find happiness in quality people and experiences. Happiness really isn't found in "things" and it never will be. Real happiness, I mean sunshine on your face while your toes are in the sand happiness; watching the way your little girl laughs while daddy tickles her happiness; that kind of happy can never be bought or replicated. It's genuine. I thank god daily for allowing me to experience this type of emotion in my lifetime.
This post got a lot heavier than I anticipated, but that's okay. I did want to share a couple of pictures and a little video with you guys! They made me really happy, and continue to make me giggle or reminisce each time I look at them!
Enjoy!
♥- Leilani
I have never felt more in sync with my family like I did this weekend. Mommy was there. I mean mommy was really there. I didn't have anything else on my mind other than what I was doing at the time. That is a rare occasion. Throughout a normal day I am always making mental to-do lists, even when I'm trying to relax. It's kind of annoying how routine this has become for me. I plan on rectifying this. Maybe not all the time, but at least during the time I spend with my family. I can't tell you how great it felt to go out and explore the beautiful state I grew up in. I'm pretty sure my love for the Pacific Northwest has been amplified (if that's possible), and being in the sunshine all weekend was definitely a bonus.
Sometimes, exploring makes me a bit sad. I think about how happy I am to be home, but I am constantly reminded of why we are home. There are a lot of things my mom can't do with us, and it makes my heart hurt. Her condition is gradually getting worse, and it truly is heartbreaking to watch. Some of you may have noticed I try to keep my mom out of my blog posts. Her illness is actually pretty painful for me to discuss, and I still have all kinds of mixed emotions about it. I don't know if I'll ever be able to publicly express what our family is going through, but I do keep a journal to document my experience with my mama and her pulmonary hypertension.
Time may not be on our side these days, but I'm taking life's lemons and I'm making a conscious effort to extend the quality of my life. I'm making sure that I spend my time with those I love most. I'm allowing myself to find happiness in quality people and experiences. Happiness really isn't found in "things" and it never will be. Real happiness, I mean sunshine on your face while your toes are in the sand happiness; watching the way your little girl laughs while daddy tickles her happiness; that kind of happy can never be bought or replicated. It's genuine. I thank god daily for allowing me to experience this type of emotion in my lifetime.
This post got a lot heavier than I anticipated, but that's okay. I did want to share a couple of pictures and a little video with you guys! They made me really happy, and continue to make me giggle or reminisce each time I look at them!
Enjoy!
Ava's first carousel ride. She rocked it!
Flamingos make me so happy. It's odd, but they do!
My Howl babies at the beach Sunday afternoon.
Cooper enjoying the lake!
Happy Monday all!♥- Leilani
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Where do I begin.. This week has been the most challenging, exhausting, and emotional week I have had since I first found out my mother was sick. For all of my avid followers, you know that my mama is very sick. When we were still in Georgia, Justin submitted a compassion reassignment, in order to be closer to my mother, so we could help care for her. Due to Justin's unit being so back and forth, we made the decision to pull the packet and submit it once we arrived at Justin's new duty station. Well.. apparently the packet was never pulled, and in fact sent off to brigade. Due to those possible pending orders, we were never suppose to leave Justin's duty station in Georgia. They weren't supposed to let him leave... yet here we are settling in Texas. We just found out early this evening that the compassion reassignment was approved! As exciting as it was to find that out, we have a lot of calls to make here in the next 24 hours. I am praying everything works out and that we will soon be on our way to Washington. I will update everyone once we know what we are dealing with completely.
The second shock and rather sad news of the day is that my mama is not coming to Georgia. I can't believe it. Her healthcare provides are strongly suggesting against it because of new health conditions my mom is facing. She called me bawling, and I held it together for her. I miss her so much, and I know she misses me and Ava. I told her about the compassion reassignment news, and she seems elated and relieved. Hopefully it won't be too much longer for us to reunite. I truly believe that God has a master plan for us Howlands. I am fully prepared to let go and let god in this situation.
The third set of news we got today were about Justin's grandfather. I know I didn't post about it, but for those of you who are friends with me on Facebook, you may have seen my post. Arthur had extremely poisonous bed sores. He's a stubborn man and hadn't had them looked at when they first came about. The doctors gave him two options, get the surgery or slowly die from the poison in his blood stream. He chose the surgery and I am relieved to say that he made it through his surgery. They have him in recovery now, but we won't know more about the status of his health until tomorrow.
On a slightly less serious note, Ava bug had her first go round with butternut squash this evening. With all the things going on right now, this was just what Justin and I needed to mellow out. Watching our girl taste something new is always comical. I'm not sure how she feels about them yet, but we made them homemade and they smell delicious. I can't believe in just six days, I'll have a seven month old baby. She truly has been such a blessing, and she is the best distraction when stressful days are among us.
I just wanted to update everyone on my life right now. I'm still enrolled into three different courses, so it looks like I am off to get some reading done. Again, thanks to everyone that has been praying for our family. I truly believe your prayers do wonders and make the biggest difference in our lives. Happy Wednesday all!
♥- Leilani
The second shock and rather sad news of the day is that my mama is not coming to Georgia. I can't believe it. Her healthcare provides are strongly suggesting against it because of new health conditions my mom is facing. She called me bawling, and I held it together for her. I miss her so much, and I know she misses me and Ava. I told her about the compassion reassignment news, and she seems elated and relieved. Hopefully it won't be too much longer for us to reunite. I truly believe that God has a master plan for us Howlands. I am fully prepared to let go and let god in this situation.
The third set of news we got today were about Justin's grandfather. I know I didn't post about it, but for those of you who are friends with me on Facebook, you may have seen my post. Arthur had extremely poisonous bed sores. He's a stubborn man and hadn't had them looked at when they first came about. The doctors gave him two options, get the surgery or slowly die from the poison in his blood stream. He chose the surgery and I am relieved to say that he made it through his surgery. They have him in recovery now, but we won't know more about the status of his health until tomorrow.
On a slightly less serious note, Ava bug had her first go round with butternut squash this evening. With all the things going on right now, this was just what Justin and I needed to mellow out. Watching our girl taste something new is always comical. I'm not sure how she feels about them yet, but we made them homemade and they smell delicious. I can't believe in just six days, I'll have a seven month old baby. She truly has been such a blessing, and she is the best distraction when stressful days are among us.
I just wanted to update everyone on my life right now. I'm still enrolled into three different courses, so it looks like I am off to get some reading done. Again, thanks to everyone that has been praying for our family. I truly believe your prayers do wonders and make the biggest difference in our lives. Happy Wednesday all!
♥- Leilani
Thursday, November 21, 2013
We leave the state of Georgia in two weeks! I'm still trying to wrap my brain around this. Calling power companies, cable companies, and transferring our internet service has made this process feel more real. I've actually stepped up and gotten on board with this whole moving ordeal. Tonight, I mapped out our trip. I figured out where we are going to stop, how long we are going to drive, the whole nine yards. I love that Justin lets me plan everything. My OCD is completely satisfied.
Ava is still a bit sick. She got her "my first Thanksgiving" pictures taken today. She was such a stinker! I know she was tired (she knocked out right when we got home) but I was expecting her to give that million dollar smile... she didn't. Not even for her daddy. I was so shocked. I haven't seen them all yet, but I'm hoping there's a money shot somewhere in there. Tonight was round two of avocados, and Ava is a fan. She ate so much tonight (hoping she sleeps longer at night) I was surprised. We also started her on oatmeal yesterday. I didn't think we'd do any type of oatmeal or rice meal (organic or not) but Ava's Pediatric doctor stressed the importance of replenishing her iron. I researched and it was definitely a step we needed to take. Surprisingly, Ava likes her oatmeal. It's great for us, because now we are getting into a food routine. Oh, I think I neglected to mention that my Princess is saying mama now! It makes me smile, and completely warms my core whenever I hear her sweet voice utter mama. Princess A makes her mama's world a better place.
Justin got his bulldog stamp and has officially finished clearing this installation. This means he will be home with his girls until his forty days of leave are up (they haven't started yet) I am excited about that. Even though it's weird having him home this much, I am loving it. Having another set of hands to help with the baby, or to snuggle has been absolutely wonderful.
I realize I am getting behind with my thankful days, and I apologize. Things are only going to get crazier for me, but I'll try to stick to this for the rest of the month!
Day 19- I am thankful for traditions. Every month I have something to look forward to with my family
Day 20- I am thankful for my beliefs. Even when I feel conflicted about my faith, the lord is always with me.
Day 21- I am thankful for counselors. I don't know if my mental health will stay in tact like this forever, but I'm glad there are people available to help me if I go off the deep end.
I feel like I want to post a little something everyday. My mama reads my blog (among a lot of others) So it's nice to give her a full update on my day (on the days where we don't get to chat). I'm off for now! Homework calls. Goodnight All!
♥- Leilani
Ava is still a bit sick. She got her "my first Thanksgiving" pictures taken today. She was such a stinker! I know she was tired (she knocked out right when we got home) but I was expecting her to give that million dollar smile... she didn't. Not even for her daddy. I was so shocked. I haven't seen them all yet, but I'm hoping there's a money shot somewhere in there. Tonight was round two of avocados, and Ava is a fan. She ate so much tonight (hoping she sleeps longer at night) I was surprised. We also started her on oatmeal yesterday. I didn't think we'd do any type of oatmeal or rice meal (organic or not) but Ava's Pediatric doctor stressed the importance of replenishing her iron. I researched and it was definitely a step we needed to take. Surprisingly, Ava likes her oatmeal. It's great for us, because now we are getting into a food routine. Oh, I think I neglected to mention that my Princess is saying mama now! It makes me smile, and completely warms my core whenever I hear her sweet voice utter mama. Princess A makes her mama's world a better place.
Justin got his bulldog stamp and has officially finished clearing this installation. This means he will be home with his girls until his forty days of leave are up (they haven't started yet) I am excited about that. Even though it's weird having him home this much, I am loving it. Having another set of hands to help with the baby, or to snuggle has been absolutely wonderful.
I realize I am getting behind with my thankful days, and I apologize. Things are only going to get crazier for me, but I'll try to stick to this for the rest of the month!
Day 19- I am thankful for traditions. Every month I have something to look forward to with my family
Day 20- I am thankful for my beliefs. Even when I feel conflicted about my faith, the lord is always with me.
Day 21- I am thankful for counselors. I don't know if my mental health will stay in tact like this forever, but I'm glad there are people available to help me if I go off the deep end.
This quote gave me pause.
♥- Leilani
Friday, November 15, 2013
I had to take some time to let this sink in. Due to the Brigade taking it's sweet time, my husband pulled the compassion reassignment packet. DITY move funds have already hit our account (Texas funds), his leave has already been approved... It looks like we'll have to submit the packet again once we get to Fort Hood. Hopefully it'll actually makes it's way to HRC. I cried about this when he told me. Just when I thought I was feeling better, just when I thought things were looking up, I get knocked back down.
I'm more upset that this means living near my mama is prolonged. I'm already looking at plane tickets for Ava and I to be with her after our move in a few weeks. I can't believe I didn't just go sooner. I feel horrible, and I feel like I got everyone's hopes up for no reason at all. I'm really trying not to go back to that depressed, emotional state I was in just a couple week ago. Knowing my family needs me to be strong, forces me to put on a tough face. Sometimes, it's tiring.
I feel so crappy! I kind of lashed out on Justin a bit when he told me he pulled the packet. I reacted irrationally.. but he is right. It's just sitting at brigade not going anywhere. Apparently if they did send it to HRC and it got approved (we'd already be gone), and he would have to go through the in-processing and out-processing steps all over again, in Georgia. As much of a hassle as it would have been, I still wish he wouldn't have pulled the packet. I apologized to my husband, and I don't plan on taking my anger out on him. He doesn't deserve it, and he's been such a trooper through all of this with me.
I never thought I'd be writing this post. I honestly thought we'd be packing our bags, heading to Washington. In an effort to keep my spirits high, we are having a Christmas shopping day tomorrow. I so desperately wanted to spend the holidays with my family... Now that we know that's not going to happen, it's time to focus on Ava, and how we are going to give her the best first Christmas ever! No matter what I'm going through, I won't allow my mood or emotions ruin Ava's "firsts"
Getting through Thanksgiving is going to be super rough. I don't feel all cheery, I don't feel all "warm and fuzzy" I just feel sad.. Man, I'm a wet blanket! Thank god for Ava. Seriously, If it wasn't for this little girl, I would have had a major break down today. She keeps me so sane, and I am so incredibly blessed to have a constant reminder that even when I feel like it is, life isn't all bad. As much as I want to stay away from those "thankful" feelings, I know I won't be able to for too much longer. I spaced on doing my "days of thankfulness" so here they are...
Day 12 I am thankful for skype. Being able to see my family makes me happy
Day 13 I am thankful for our home. It may not be Washington, but we have learned how to make a home, where ever we are
Day 14 I am thankful for music. Words that aren't my own that describe my every feeling
Day 15 I am thankful for Chinese food. (It's just too bad I haven't had any edible Chinese food since we've lived in Georgia)
Day 16 I am thankful for yoga pants. I pretty much live in them on comfy days.
Well, It's time for me to get some sleep. We've got an early day tomorrow, but I can't sleep. So much stuff on my mind, I hate when this happens.
Mama, if you are reading this, I love you very much! I can't wait to see you, and I'm very sorry it's taken me so long to get on a plane and come home!
♥- Leilani
I'm more upset that this means living near my mama is prolonged. I'm already looking at plane tickets for Ava and I to be with her after our move in a few weeks. I can't believe I didn't just go sooner. I feel horrible, and I feel like I got everyone's hopes up for no reason at all. I'm really trying not to go back to that depressed, emotional state I was in just a couple week ago. Knowing my family needs me to be strong, forces me to put on a tough face. Sometimes, it's tiring.
I feel so crappy! I kind of lashed out on Justin a bit when he told me he pulled the packet. I reacted irrationally.. but he is right. It's just sitting at brigade not going anywhere. Apparently if they did send it to HRC and it got approved (we'd already be gone), and he would have to go through the in-processing and out-processing steps all over again, in Georgia. As much of a hassle as it would have been, I still wish he wouldn't have pulled the packet. I apologized to my husband, and I don't plan on taking my anger out on him. He doesn't deserve it, and he's been such a trooper through all of this with me.
I never thought I'd be writing this post. I honestly thought we'd be packing our bags, heading to Washington. In an effort to keep my spirits high, we are having a Christmas shopping day tomorrow. I so desperately wanted to spend the holidays with my family... Now that we know that's not going to happen, it's time to focus on Ava, and how we are going to give her the best first Christmas ever! No matter what I'm going through, I won't allow my mood or emotions ruin Ava's "firsts"
Getting through Thanksgiving is going to be super rough. I don't feel all cheery, I don't feel all "warm and fuzzy" I just feel sad.. Man, I'm a wet blanket! Thank god for Ava. Seriously, If it wasn't for this little girl, I would have had a major break down today. She keeps me so sane, and I am so incredibly blessed to have a constant reminder that even when I feel like it is, life isn't all bad. As much as I want to stay away from those "thankful" feelings, I know I won't be able to for too much longer. I spaced on doing my "days of thankfulness" so here they are...
Day 12 I am thankful for skype. Being able to see my family makes me happy
Day 13 I am thankful for our home. It may not be Washington, but we have learned how to make a home, where ever we are
Day 14 I am thankful for music. Words that aren't my own that describe my every feeling
Day 15 I am thankful for Chinese food. (It's just too bad I haven't had any edible Chinese food since we've lived in Georgia)
Day 16 I am thankful for yoga pants. I pretty much live in them on comfy days.
Well, It's time for me to get some sleep. We've got an early day tomorrow, but I can't sleep. So much stuff on my mind, I hate when this happens.
Mama, if you are reading this, I love you very much! I can't wait to see you, and I'm very sorry it's taken me so long to get on a plane and come home!
♥- Leilani
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
I am in such a rut this morning. Justin starts clearing this installation next week, and I am freaking out. The compassionate reassignment packet keeps getting sent back down. The wrong commander signed the wrong form, Justin forgot to sign a form, etc. It seems like there's always something missing. I had originally been told that it was already at HRC, apparently that's not the case. It got sent back down to battalion then back up to brigade (sorry if I lost you with the MIL lingo). I'm just so frustrated. I'm excited that Justin is going through the process that will allow us to leave Georgia. I just wish the duty station was one that was closer to my mom.
I have been feeling just absolutely awful this week. I'm ready to be near her. I'm ready to spend time with her. Phone calls, skype, and photo sharing have been great, but I'm just ready to have personal time with my mama. I also miss my little sister. Our relationship has been strained pretty much our entire lives. With everything going on with our mom, Regina becoming an Aunt, and me being MIA these last three years, our relationship has gotten a lot stronger. I guess I'm just missing my family.
On the brighter side of things, Justin got a definite leave date. In about a month (give or take) we will be spending forty days straight together. That is one thing I love about my husband being in the Army. There are plenty of times where we don't get enough time together, but there are a handful of times where we get A TON of time together. PCSing is one of those times. Regardless of where we are moving, I still have to start buying boxes. We decided to start packing up in November, just to give ourselves plenty of time. I forgot how quickly this time of year goes. If you're reading this, say a little prayer for the Howlands. Let's hope we hear something soon about this reassignment.
All of this has really made me grow up. Most things in a day don't really matter to me. I find myself being a hermit most of the time. I stay home with Ava. I take pictures and videos of her development. I read to her, I cuddle her. I just cherish Justin and our Bug. I'm not like full blown depressed, I guess I'm just locating clarity within myself. Realizing that we can make the most of the time we have, even if it's not forever. That's a hard pill to swallow. I've been doing so good, I think I've been trying to prevent another breakdown. Looks like it's out of my control. I'm hoping this weekend will be better than this week has been.
Alright, I'm off! We are heading to an Frg event tonight. I'm not thrilled about going, but we are donating canned goods AND it's mandatory! Happy Wednesday all!
♥- Leilani
I have been feeling just absolutely awful this week. I'm ready to be near her. I'm ready to spend time with her. Phone calls, skype, and photo sharing have been great, but I'm just ready to have personal time with my mama. I also miss my little sister. Our relationship has been strained pretty much our entire lives. With everything going on with our mom, Regina becoming an Aunt, and me being MIA these last three years, our relationship has gotten a lot stronger. I guess I'm just missing my family.
On the brighter side of things, Justin got a definite leave date. In about a month (give or take) we will be spending forty days straight together. That is one thing I love about my husband being in the Army. There are plenty of times where we don't get enough time together, but there are a handful of times where we get A TON of time together. PCSing is one of those times. Regardless of where we are moving, I still have to start buying boxes. We decided to start packing up in November, just to give ourselves plenty of time. I forgot how quickly this time of year goes. If you're reading this, say a little prayer for the Howlands. Let's hope we hear something soon about this reassignment.
All of this has really made me grow up. Most things in a day don't really matter to me. I find myself being a hermit most of the time. I stay home with Ava. I take pictures and videos of her development. I read to her, I cuddle her. I just cherish Justin and our Bug. I'm not like full blown depressed, I guess I'm just locating clarity within myself. Realizing that we can make the most of the time we have, even if it's not forever. That's a hard pill to swallow. I've been doing so good, I think I've been trying to prevent another breakdown. Looks like it's out of my control. I'm hoping this weekend will be better than this week has been.
Alright, I'm off! We are heading to an Frg event tonight. I'm not thrilled about going, but we are donating canned goods AND it's mandatory! Happy Wednesday all!
♥- Leilani
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