My Mom's Number

Thursday, July 21, 2022

When my mom passed away there were certain things I couldn't bring myself to throw out or delete. Her cell phone number was one of them. 
Yesterday I decided to re-download Snapchat -- something I have done dozens of times since I first made an account. It's not my favorite app but my kids love the filters and I enjoy them from time to time as well. I went to download the app, I logged in, and I had a list of suggested friends to add or request (not totally sure how that part works). I was browsing the list... and the first name on the list was "Mommy" but I saw someone else's name underneath and this suggestive add was found through my phone's contacts. 

I felt my heart in my throat for a moment and I felt my eyes begin to well with tears. It took six years but my mom's cell phone number was recycled and is now in use for someone else. Up until this point whenever I was having an especially low moment in life or I just missed the snot out of my mama, I would text that number... even though of course I knew I'd never received a text back from her or an answered call. I knew that it was more therapeutic than anything and somehow I felt like a part of her was still there if I kept this up each year. if I never deleted her number I wasn't completely erasing her out of my life like she never existed.

Moving forward, texting or calling my mom's number is off limits now I know texting that number today would definitely get a response... a confused and "wrong number" response from the person who has her number now. Who knew a number could stir up so many emotions and a wave of grief that I haven't had in quite a while? I always feel this ongoing void and sadness where my mom is concerned and navigating motherless waters but this is so different. Another permanence in the journey of grief. Another part of losing her that I have to say goodbye to. It seems so silly that something like this would send me spiraling but here I am... living it and trying to make my way through it without keeping falling apart in the process. I really thought each passing year would get easier but honestly, it doesn't.

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