Day One

Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Today was rough. We knew it was coming for awhile now, but that didn't stop all the tears that fell from my face early this morning. We woke up just minutes shy of 6 a.m. and I felt the impending knots from having to say goodbye start to take place. Ava woke up gracefully, which impressed me since the sun itself wasn't up, and I got her ready to head out into the cold. I did take notice to the 40 degree weather outside, and for some reason that gave me comfort. I suppose it's because the next time we see Justin, we will most definitely be further in the fall weather, and all of our mornings will be cold like this one. We managed to make our way downstairs and I watched my sweet girl run into the arms of her daddy for the last time for awhile.

I just lost it guys. I immediately started bawling, I mean blurred vision because the tears were a never ending flow. Justin stopped what he was doing to look at me, and he just kept saying, "Come here babe." But for some reason I couldn't. I didn't want him to console me, I just wanted in those moments to be sad and feel the emotions that were the inevitable at this point. In his Justin fashion, he didn't allow that to happen. He came and scooped me up and just let me hold on to him while I sobbed. He muttered something about the days he'd be gone, but I wasn't listening. Having a military family, having a husband in combat arms, and constantly having to go through the goodbyes has taken it's toll over these last five years.

I wrote on a Facebook photo that I shared, that each goodbye has become harder than the last, and that couldn't be more truthful. I know there is a job that has to be done, and I know this is what my husband signed up to do, but I allow myself and encourage my family to take in and feel what we are dealt with. That's the only real way we can cope and find a way to process that our lives are going to be a little different while daddy is gone. Getting in the car had my heart beating so incredibly fast. Living so close to his job gave us a total of six minutes in the car. Six minutes of hand holding, six minutes of "I love you" and six minutes of our last car chit chats. We were rounding the corner in our neighborhood and I heard Justin say, "I love you Ava." The next thing we hear was the absolute sweetest thing in the world. Ava says, " I love you too, daddy!" She always says she loves us, but it's never an I love you too. It was just the most heartfelt thing. Justin awed and smiled over it too.

Sometimes I wonder if I should allow my toddler to do things that are going to hurt her... like taking her out of the car so she can hug and love on her daddy knowing it won't happen again for awhile. Another part of me feels like I have no right to deprive them of their special moments like that. Ultimately, I ended up taking Ava out of the car so she could relish those few moments with one of her favorite people in the world. She bawled the entire way home after we left, and even once we got in the house, and that broke my heart completely. We ended up driving back to Justin a couple more times (he needed a few more things), and somehow that made me feel better.

We agreed on a selfie a day, maybe short FaceTime calls, and a phone call at night if his training schedule permits. I know seeing pictures of her daddy everyday will make Ava beam, even if just for a moment. As we close in on September, I am entirely optimistic for the month of October. That is the month we will welcome daddy home. So while the distance is for only a short time, I still can't wait to put this separation behind us. I know recruiting will present it's challenges, I am looking forward to the next three years of not being separated by field time, deployments, or any other overnight trainings.

I plan to blog at least once a day while Justin is away, as this is the best outlet for me while extremely emotional, pregnant, and trying to keep up with my toddler throughout the day. Before I wrap this up, here is a HUGE thanks to all those who continue to reach out and show their love and support for my family when we aren't feeling tip top. It really does mean the world to us, and we appreciate you so much!

♥- Leilani

1 comment :

  1. You are so loved and have such an amazingly loving connection with your husband. It's so sweet! Same goes for Ava! She's so loving and sweet! ♡