Saturday, October 10, 2015
With Ava and I both not feeling our best, the constant rain/wind, and the mundane routine of staying indoors until we are better... things are starting to get pretty blurred and repetitive. I feel so bad that my baby isn't having "fun" like she should. I feel bad that we missed a special trip to Oregon to celebrate with friends of ours on an amazing milestone in their new journey. I also feel bad that I'm forcing myself to be in good spirits, when Lord knows I really don't want to right now. I've been having restless nights, my free time when Ava goes to bed is spent doing copious amounts of math homework, and I'm starting to miss my mama a bit more. I don't think I've talked about my mom on the blog in a long, long while... and trust me, it was intentional. Bottom line is, she's not doing well. She up and moved to California with giving me less than a week's notice, and things have been pretty downhill since then. She's been hospitalized more times during her stay in California, than I can remember her being hospitalized in the last five months in Washington. Her catheter line was ripped from her chest, put back in the incorrect place, and she ended up right back at the hospital after the procedure due to blacking out.

So, yeah...things are tough right now. I really don't want to touch too much more on the subject, but I know a lot of my readers are worried about me. While I appreciate the love and support, I just have a lot more going on than I've been sharing. Justin being gone has made me extremely emotional, but that's my husband's job. I think not having his tangible support has been more difficult. When I just need someone to fall into and cry.. he's my go to.. now that I don't have that, I've had to find other ways to cope and keep myself as relaxed as possible. I try to keep my mind off of *triggers* like my mom, but it's hard. I'm facing something inevitably heartbreaking, and it feels like a ticking bomb. If I let myself think about it too much, I get really sad. I don't like being sad in front of Ava, or for the sake of my unborn, Olivia.

I keep my strong face on pretty much all day, until I'm left to deal with things when I'm alone. I've been doing some praying, some yoga, and just trying to keep us as busy as possible indoors. If it's one thing I've realized in these last few months, it's that life is extremely delicate. While being indoors for a week straight isn't my idea of fun, I'm just glad that I have Ava bug to love on and care for. I'm also grateful for her laughter, because that alone uplifts me in unexplainable ways. I want to post my all time favorite picture of my mom and I when I was a baby. This picture is forever embedded into my head because it is a reminder of happier times. It is a reminder that I had my mother for 24 years of my life, and despite the obvious mistakes all parents make, she was a darn good mama bear to my sister and I. I hope I remember her this way for always. My beautiful mother, smiling, and loving on me for always.

I love you mom.

♥- Leilani

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