With Ava and I both not feeling our best, the constant rain/wind, and the mundane routine of staying indoors until we are better... things are starting to get pretty blurred and repetitive. I feel so bad that my baby isn't having "fun" like she should. I feel bad that we missed a special trip to Oregon to celebrate with friends of ours on an amazing milestone in their new journey. I also feel bad that I'm forcing myself to be in good spirits, when Lord knows I really don't want to right now. I've been having restless nights, my free time when Ava goes to bed is spent doing copious amounts of math homework, and I'm starting to miss my mama a bit more. I don't think I've talked about my mom on the blog in a long, long while... and trust me, it was intentional. Bottom line is, she's not doing well. She up and moved to California with giving me less than a week's notice, and things have been pretty downhill since then. She's been hospitalized more times during her stay in California, than I can remember her being hospitalized in the last five months in Washington. Her catheter line was ripped from her chest, put back in the incorrect place, and she ended up right back at the hospital after the procedure due to blacking out.

So, yeah...things are tough right now. I really don't want to touch too much more on the subject, but I know a lot of my readers are worried about me. While I appreciate the love and support, I just have a lot more going on than I've been sharing. Justin being gone has made me extremely emotional, but that's my husband's job. I think not having his tangible support has been more difficult. When I just need someone to fall into and cry.. he's my go to.. now that I don't have that, I've had to find other ways to cope and keep myself as relaxed as possible. I try to keep my mind off of *triggers* like my mom, but it's hard. I'm facing something inevitably heartbreaking, and it feels like a ticking bomb. If I let myself think about it too much, I get really sad. I don't like being sad in front of Ava, or for the sake of my unborn, Olivia.

I keep my strong face on pretty much all day, until I'm left to deal with things when I'm alone. I've been doing some praying, some yoga, and just trying to keep us as busy as possible indoors. If it's one thing I've realized in these last few months, it's that life is extremely delicate. While being indoors for a week straight isn't my idea of fun, I'm just glad that I have Ava bug to love on and care for. I'm also grateful for her laughter, because that alone uplifts me in unexplainable ways. I want to post my all time favorite picture of my mom and I when I was a baby. This picture is forever embedded into my head because it is a reminder of happier times. It is a reminder that I had my mother for 24 years of my life, and despite the obvious mistakes all parents make, she was a darn good mama bear to my sister and I. I hope I remember her this way for always. My beautiful mother, smiling, and loving on me for always.

I love you mom.

♥- Leilani

Well, I guess it's Texas

I had to take some time to let this sink in. Due to the Brigade taking it's sweet time, my husband pulled the compassion reassignment packet. DITY move funds have already hit our account (Texas funds), his leave has already been approved... It looks like we'll have to submit the packet again once we get to Fort Hood. Hopefully it'll actually makes it's way to HRC. I cried about this when he told me. Just when I thought I was feeling better, just when I thought things were looking up, I get knocked back down.

I'm more upset that this means living near my mama is prolonged. I'm already looking at plane tickets for Ava and I to be with her after our move in a few weeks. I can't believe I didn't just go sooner. I feel horrible, and I feel like I got everyone's hopes up for no reason at all. I'm really trying not to go back to that depressed, emotional state I was in just a couple week ago. Knowing my family needs me to be strong, forces me to put on a tough face. Sometimes, it's tiring.

I feel so crappy! I kind of lashed out on Justin a bit when he told me he pulled the packet. I reacted irrationally.. but he is right. It's just sitting at brigade not going anywhere. Apparently if they did send it to HRC and it got approved (we'd already be gone), and he would have to go through the in-processing and out-processing steps all over again, in Georgia. As much of a hassle as it would have been, I still wish he wouldn't have pulled the packet. I apologized to my husband, and I don't plan on taking my anger out on him. He doesn't deserve it, and he's been such a trooper through all of this with me.

I never thought I'd be writing this post. I honestly thought we'd be packing our bags, heading to Washington. In an effort to keep my spirits high, we are having a Christmas shopping day tomorrow. I so desperately wanted to spend the holidays with my family... Now that we know that's not going to happen, it's time to focus on Ava, and how we are going to give her the best first Christmas ever! No matter what I'm going through, I won't allow my mood or emotions ruin Ava's "firsts"

Getting through Thanksgiving is going to be super rough. I don't feel all cheery, I don't feel all "warm and fuzzy" I just feel sad.. Man, I'm a wet blanket! Thank god for Ava. Seriously, If it wasn't for this little girl, I would have had a major break down today. She keeps me so sane, and I am so incredibly blessed to have a constant reminder that even when I feel like it is, life isn't all bad. As much as I want to stay away from those "thankful" feelings, I know I won't be able to for too much longer. I spaced on doing my "days of thankfulness" so here they are...

Day 12 I am thankful for skype. Being able to see my family makes me happy
Day 13 I am thankful for our home. It may not be Washington, but we have learned how to make a home, where ever we are
Day 14 I am thankful for music. Words that aren't my own that describe my every feeling
Day 15 I am thankful for Chinese food. (It's just too bad I haven't had any edible Chinese food since we've lived in Georgia)
Day 16 I am thankful for yoga pants. I pretty much live in them on comfy days.

Well, It's time for me to get some sleep. We've got an early day tomorrow, but I can't sleep. So much stuff on my mind, I hate when this happens.

Mama, if you are reading this, I love you very much! I can't wait to see you, and I'm very sorry it's taken me so long to get on a plane and come home!

  ♥- Leilani