Six Months

Tuesday, August 2, 2016
I am a total emotional wrecking ball today. I don't know if it's because I'm experiencing the rare occasion where both of my girls are taking a nap, or the pain from my wisdom tooth literally ramming into the side of my cheek (need to make an appointment, but so not ready).. but I can't help but think about all the future milestones that will soon be coming. I think the most obvious is the fact that I'll have a ONE year old Olivia Rose AND an Ava bug that will be closer to four years of life than three. February also marks our TTC month for baby # 3... don't even get me started on the feels I have about that. I dream about this third baby like they are already here. It's crazy insane how you and your partner can just know that you are not done trying to create more loving littles into your family. I think Justin and I always knew we wanted this big tribe of kiddos, but never really imagined it would feel THIS amazing. Living is believing, complete understatement! But seriously, we've been talking about this third child so much lately. We ask Ava if she wants another sibling... her response? Baby brother! 

That would be some new territory. Territory that i would feel so blessed to explore. Oh man, here come the tears. I seriously cry an INSANE amount of tears in a day - if my tears were monetary.. I'd be a BAGILLIONAIRE. Here comes the kind of sad part of six months from now... It'll have been 11 months since my mom died. Reading that makes my heart just sort of rip open from the mends I've tried to make over the last five months. What hurts the most about losing someone you love (especially your parent) is facing the fact that they are gone, forever. The situation is permanent. Normally, i don't accept permanent in my life. You don't like the way you look? Change yourself. Change your clothes, your hair, run, walk, change it all. You don't like being out of the know? Read, surf the web, get involved. There are always solutions to avoid permanent situations that you don't want to be in. Death is not one of those situations. 

I keep fighting myself because I desperately need an end date. A date where i no longer feel so much pain. A day where I'm not predispositioned to panic attacks, irrational breakdowns, and feeling like I can't breath. When Ava yells, "Mama! I love you!" While my heart is full and I'm smiling.. I also get sad. I can't call my mom and tell her I love her anymore. The hurt is just going to be forever. There is no end date. The loss is permanent. Gah! I'm so sorry if you guys are crying right now. Don't! I think being transparent and raw helps with this process. I feel like most days I am doing better, but every now and again I'll have a really rough day. All I can do is wake up and try to process the feelings a little better than i did the day before. 

You know what I failed to mention before? Six months from now also means Justin and I will be celebrating SIX years of marriage! Crazy when you give birth to one of your babies on your anniversary your first thought is their birthday haha. I love it! I can't believe it'll be six years with my favorite guy! So much good coming our way here in these next six months. I can't wait to enjoy and live more of my life with my growing family. 

I hope everyone is enjoying their first Tuesday in August! 

♥- Leilani

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