I honestly feel like I haven't blogged in FOREVER. This past week was an extremely busy one, as we had family visiting from New York. It felt so incredibly good to watch our oldest bond with her great grandmother and her Uncle Daniel. She also formed a little bond with her uncle's girlfriend, Sarah. She had so much fun soaking in the attention, new play pals, and waking up to so many people in the morning. Olivia also surprised us with how well she took to new faces. Most times she did look for her mama, but overall i was impressed with how little her stranger danger actually came out. I was also spoiled with helping hands all around while Justin was at work... I mean, I actually got to shower in the middle of the day... When does that ever happen? I can count on one hand how many times I cooked dinner this week? Actually, did I ever cook dinner? Man! Aside from all the help, making new memories in our new state was a ton of fun as well. We explored the Dallas Aquarium, Dallas Zoo, and Justin even took his brother to their first professional baseball game. The aquarium out here was nothing like we had ever seen before (I'm not sure if this is a good thing). Extremely hot, but everyone had a lot of fun, so it was worth it. Also, we went to one of the original Texas Road House restaurants in Flower Mound, Texas... I was actually quite impressed. I am not impressed with the "A" train that leaves our city though. I can't believe it doesn't go all the way to Dallas. Apparently you have to transfer from the train to a bus to actually go into Dallas. Definitely a disappointment there Ava had her first trip to Hobby Lobby with her Nana, and boy did they have a ball! They picked out a special canvas, painting tools, and brushes. Nana helped Ava create her first masterpiece - we are currently trying to find the perfect place to hang it up on the wall. Nana also created a whimsical winter scene on a canvas just for us. It is one of a kind and I'm so excited to find a special place for her drawing. Aside from being out and about, I absolutely loved the chill days we had at home as well. It was nice to have my in laws present for our everyday lives. Being a military family sometimes has it's disadvantages.. like being away from family - so whenever we can bond, make new memories, and spend time with one another, it's a great time. Goodbyes are never easy for me (and I know Ava is going to bawl when she wakes up and discovers everyone is gone), so watching them leave is going to be tough. Hopefully everything works out and we head up to New York in October. I hear there's nothing better than Upstate New York in the fall. I guess we'll have to see! Happy Thursday all!
It's been 48 hours since we got the first phone call about Justin's grandfather and things are slightly better than they were just the other day. Justin is embracing all the good that can come from heartbreaking situations of loss, and for that I am eternally grateful. I hate seeing my husband hurt, I hate seeing our families hurt, but I am becoming a stronger person through this experience. I'm making sure to call everyone in New York at least once a day just to offer up some support and to check on them. In an effort to keep Justin's spirits up, we are taking a few trips while he is on block leave. They start this weekend with a trip to Leavenworth, Washington. We are attending the Christmas tree light ceremony and we are going to explore all that this little German town has to offer. I've heard really good things about it, so I'm hoping that my babies have a good time while we are there, and we will be with some of my family, and family is always good company for us.
We got an update on the ceremony arrangements for Papoo, and it looks they will be in the Spring. Sometime in April is what we are being told, so our New York trip that would have been in February with just Ava bug and myself, will now be in April with daddy. I'm content with this for more than one reason. Justin will actually be apart of the full military service that his grandfather is receiving, it's not going to be freezing weather, and we are going to try and cram in a birthday bash, since Ava bug's second birthday and Justin's 25th would just be a couple weeks away. I'm hopeful that even though our reasons for going aren't joyous, that we will still make the trip a memorable one nonetheless.
I also wrote this blog to inform ALL of you how grateful we are for all the support we have received. Since posting my last blog, I have received over 50 emails from people giving us prayers and letting us know that we are in their thoughts. That means more to me than any of you will ever know. Most of those emails are from readers of mine, people I have never met. The kindness you show is truly inspiring and it is entirely moving. I also want to thank all of my family and friends for praying over us, checking up on us, and offering your support where ever it is needed. We are blessed to live a life where so many care for us so deeply. Our gratitude is in full swing and again, I couldn't ask for a better support system.
I know the healing process is still bare and new, but I'm praying that this loss only continues to bring our family closer together. Here is a link to Papoo's obituary (as requested). If you decide to leave words for our family, please keep in mind that this is still a fresh cut, and people are healing in their own ways.
I never imagined that I'd be writing a post like this so soon. I also never imagined that the first time Ava met her great-grandfather would be her last. Yesterday was a rough day. No, rough doesn't begin to describe the knots, the tears, and the heartbreak that yesterday brought on. It started in the morning, at 3:56 a.m. Justin's phone began to ring and he instantly hopped out of bed. I'm sure he thought it was work related, but when he grabbed his phone his sleepy eyes had a look of complete confusion. I was awake at this point and I remember my husband saying, "Why is my mom calling at this hour?" I immediately felt a pit in my stomach. My mother in-law has never called us this early. I knew something was wrong. Justin went back to bed as if the phone call meant nothing. I knew better. I called Arleen back immediately, and I knew from the tone of her voice, that what she had to say was not good. She told me that she was on her way to the hospital. She mumbled something about Papoo, a lost heartbeat, and paramedics. My mind was a complete blur. In all the calls I'd received pertaining to Pop's health, they never once said that he wasn't breathing. They'd never once said he didn't have a heartbeat. I knew this time was different. I collected myself in the final moments of our conversation, I told her I'd tell Justin, and we hung up the phone.
Walking back to my bed took much longer than it should of. I could tell Justin wasn't completely asleep, and I'd wondered if he'd heard part of my conversation. I nudged his arm and I said his name. Once he acknowledged, I shared the information that was just given to me moments before. I wasn't surprised when my husband wasn't an immediate wreck. His Pop is a tough guy and again, we'd been down the hospitalization route with him before. Little did I know, when Justin did leave for work less than half an hour later, he fought back tears on the drive. I tried to go back to sleep because Ava bug wasn't due to wake up for at least three more hours. I remember waking up at a little after six and giving my MIL a call back just for an update. At this point, Papoo was on a ventilator because he wasn't breathing on his own. Apparently, Pop's heartbeat stopped for the twenty whole minutes that it took for the ambulance to arrive. This meant that he was facing potential brain damage, and all of his organs had shut down at this point. I didn't want to believe it. I also didn't want to face the fact that I was the one who had to deliver the news to my husband.
I allowed myself to let warm tears run down my face before I mustered up the courage to make the call. I kept thinking about the first time I'd met Arthur. He was so nice to me from the very start. He called me kiddo, California girl, and he was always willing to engage in conversation. He told me his Navy stories, biker stories, he even shared advice on certain cooking tips. He had light blue eyes and such a warm smile. I remember thinking back on the first trip we made to New York... Arthur had a lot of friends. There were always visitors at their home. People laughing, sharing coffee, and tons of funny conversation. He was the example of what a grandfather should be. I never got the chance to meet either of mine, so Papoo was always a special guy to me.
Once I snapped out of those happy thoughts, I called my husband. When he answered, I felt a lump in my throat. I staggered a bit, but I finally got the words out. He was silent. I know he was taking his time to let the news sink in. He waited a moment longer before he said, " I can't believe this." I could tell how surreal this was for him. His Nana and his Papoo were always vital parts of his life, and for the first time in 23 years, his constant was being shaken. That's pretty much how the rest of our day went. I would get an update on Arthur's situation, and then I'd call Justin and let him know. At one point I starting thinking about Justin's Nana and if she was alone in the room with her husband. I immediately called the ICU unit of the hospital and got them to send me through to his room. Nana picked up and thankfully she let me know she was in good company. Almost all of the immediate family showed up to the hospital for Arthur. That was just a clear view of how loved he was. Nana told me that the specialist was coming in shortly to remove Pop from the ventilator. He signed a DNR form so we all knew what removing him from the ventilator was.
This woman is tough as nails I thought to myself. She held it together, and I can only hope that I have this same grace if (God forbid), I am ever in the same situation. I immediately called Justin to let him know this final update, and I told him that he should definitely come home. I told him that we should try to see if a family member could face time us, so we could see his grandfather one last time. I could tell after this last call that my husband was far from okay. He sounded jumbled, he sounded a little disoriented. He finished up some paperwork and then he headed home for this inevitable part of the day. Before we could even think about doing anything, we got a call from Justin's brother. Arthur passed just minutes before he called. According to the family, he went peacefully. Our home was really quiet after that. I cried, Justin was completely heartbroken, and our baby girl was so confused. She dished out hugs, kisses, and smiles.. still she couldn't quite wrap her mind around why mommy and daddy were so sad.
I tried my best to make it short. I don't like shifting Ava's mood when she can't understand what's going on. I've never seen my husband sad in this way before. I'v never seen him look so broken or misplaced. I could feel the guilt of not being in his home state seeping through his eyes. I could feel the guilt of not being in touch more in his embrace. Everything he felt, I decided to take the weight of. I still wish there was a way that I could shield my husband and our baby from this type of ache. The shock has yet to wear off. I didn't think I was going to share the details of yesterday, but writing is the only way I know how to cope.
Here's a video from our last visit with Papoo. I thank the heavens above that we were able to celebrate his 70th birthday with him and our (then) two month old baby girl. We love you Papoo and we will miss you for the rest of our days! I promise to tell all the future Howland babies and Ava bug all about you.
