My Mom Passed

Monday, March 14, 2016
I keep repeating that in my head over and over. It's been just over 72 hours since I got the call that my mother passed and it still feels like that can't be possible. I keep replaying the past week in my head and I feel numb. The last time I talked to my mom just happened to be my birthday. March 7th. She hadn't called me at all during the morning or afternoon, and truthfully... I was hurt. I thought maybe she forgot... but then I thought, how can you forget your child's birthday? I called her later on in the day and she answered. The first thing I asked was why she hadn't called. She kept apologizing saying she was so sorry, that she was feeling really sick, and that she had the flu. She said she had been sleeping all day. She said she was tired. She said Happy Birthday, baby. Still feeling a little sour, I got off the phone to let her get some rest. 

If I knew that March 7th would be the last time I talked to my mom, I would have tried to talk with her for just a moment longer. March 8th rolled around and again, my mom had been sleeping all day. Too weak to answer her phone. This progressed throughout the rest of the week I'm told. I got a call on Friday from my mom's good friend Susan, basically telling me she did not think my mom was going to make it through this. When I heard those words, I took them with a grain of salt. My mom had pulmonary hypertension. Her life expectancy had long passed, and there was no way that the flu could beat my mom. The next thing that Susan said will reside with me the rest of my life. She said the last three days that my mom had been non-responsive. That is why she wasn't able to answer the phone, or make calls. She had been sleeping all day, she wasn't eating, and she was in diapers because she could no longer go to the restroom by herself. Her medication was being crushed up and placed into pudding because she no longer had the strength to take them. 

I remember feeling a lump in my throat in those moments. The tears started to stream down my face and I called Justin just bawling. It was that conversation that made me realize, this really could be it Leilani. The hospice nurse advised us to start making funeral preparations, so I did. I located a family owned business (who turned out to be just what we needed in every way) and I began to inquire about their services. I had no idea that just 4 short hours later, I'd be calling again arranging transportation for my mother's body to be picked up. There are so many things I keep replaying over and over and I still feel like this isn't me going through this. This can't be me. I've been flashing back to all the moments I've had with my mom. I flash back to my first choir concert, my first volleyball game, the first time I made the honor roll, the first time I rode a bike. The time I didn't come straight home with my sister after school, the Christmas she bought me my first set of Harry Potter books. The car rides to school shouting out journey and the best of Rod Stewart. When she stayed by my side in the hospital while i recovered from viral meningitis. The time she hugged me after my first break up, the first time she caught me in a lie because of a boy. All the "I love yous" she gave me. 

I keep flipping through the reel of my life and this wasn't suppose to be in it. Maybe I have been in denial these last few years? Maybe I thought she'd beat the odds? Nights are the worst right now. All the moments of my childhood that I needed her and she was there.. those are the moments that keep flooding in. I can't bare to look at her pictures. Every time i do, I break out in inconsolable tears.

I miss you mom.

♥- Leilani

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