Howland Baby # 3

Monday, February 13, 2017
It is completely in my nature to bare my soul with the world (or whoever will listen, let's be real!). As much as I'd like to keep our trying to conceive plans under wraps - something is stirring inside me. Something is telling me to share and not to let the past hinder the future. I remember a familiar season like this... almost like it was yesterday. When we were trying for baby # 2, I vlogged, I blogged, I basically told EVERYONE we had ever known that we were trying for another baby. When we found out the cycle hadn't resulted in a pregnant Leilani, I was devastated. Justin was at school, I was alone with Ava, and everyone flooded us with "I'm sorry it didn't happen this time guys" vibes. It was a hard pill to swallow and I told myself that the next cycle would be a private one - and it was. That was also the cycle we conceived Miss Olivia. With Ava, we just didn't tell anyone because of the miscarriage I had a couple years before her conception. 

I have basically told myself that not sharing will result in pregnancy and not to jinx it... but I'm going to give this sharing thing another shot! I'm so stinkin' excited about another Howland babe joining our family. All my dreams as of late show me and this new baby... it feels so real. I've woken up a few times and the reality of our situation quickly takes over.. but still. I love these baby dreams. I've had people in our extended family ask why we want more kids and I think this is the perfect time to share. I think most of my long time readers, friend, and family know that Justin and I are products of "broken homes" in two different ways. My parents divorced, Justin's parents were never married, and we both experienced (many times) how it feels to not know where you belong. 

When we discussed children, before actually having children, we decided we wanted this football team of Howland kids. We wanted to create life together, nourish that life, and send them into the world knowing they ALWAYS belonged. Knowing that they were loved, cared for, wanted, prayed for, and so, so accepted. Even now we talk about how close we want to be with our kids. We want to create a tight knit, supportive, and inclusive family for our kids. We know what it feels like to grow up and not have support from family and to be honest and frank - it sucks. 

The upbringing we experienced has taught us WHAT NOT to do in life. What not to do with our children and in our marriage. I wouldn't change my life - not even a single bad moment because I know they molded me into the woman I am now. The same with Justin. He is a damn good father, husband, provider, and friend. I don't know that we'd even still be together if he were different. If our lives were different. So there you have it! The goal is to create and raise some wholesome beings. When I'm old and gray - I can only hope that those same kiddos decide to create some life of their own... As premature as these thoughts are - we are going to ROCK the grandparent sector of life. I cannot wait to experience that either. I cannot wait to give my babies' babies everything that our kids didn't have when it comes to extended family. 

We are making this HUGE ripple and I cannot tell you how amazing it feels. To wrap this up, we are trying for baby # 3. Yes, actively trying in the mists of starting follicle stimulating medicine - we are doing this! Fingers crossed this first cycle is the ticket but if it isn't, this won't be the last time we try. Good thoughts, vibes, prayers, and optimism are all welcomed you guys! I can't believe I could soon be a mama of three. I love the sound of that.

Just a picture from my appointment this morning. My uterine lining is still SUPER thick, so the goal is to shed it before I start my shots!

♥- Leilani

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