Olivia laughed for the first time today. She always coos and smiles, but today, she laughed. It was the sweetest laugh I've heard since Ava was a baby. Justin was holding her just a few minutes before bed and she was completely full of smiles. I haven't seen her smile that much, ever. It was a lot. Then when she laughed, my heart did a flutter. It was one of those tender moments I was able to experience with Justin right beside me. It was perfect. This past month has been full of growths for Miss Olivia. I still cannot believe that she's closer to six months than she is her birthdate. 

Clothes: She is still in six month clothing and three month clothing is a thing of the past. Everything 3 months is too tight, won't go over her head, and is currently being packed away. Because Ava was a summer baby, I am finding that I have purchased a few more summer friendly clothes for Olivia. I haven't had to buy too much and when we move to Texas, thicker sleepers won't be a problem (thank you central air). 

Health: Olivia does have her 4 month check up on Monday and I'm so excited to see those stats! She hasn't had a cold since she was six weeks old (although big sister is sick this week). She's been in good health and we are thankful.

Feeding: We still nurse on demand, but I have noticed that the amount of feedings has decreased.

Sleep: You are an amazing sleeper. Seriously. I could cry some big happy tears because you and your sister are both amazing sleepers. As I said above, you pretty much sleep through the night. It really depends on if you nurse prior to going to sleep around 730pm. If you nursed, you are down for the count. If you didn't, then you will wake around 2am to nurse.. then you fall back asleep. During the day your naps are short and that is in large part to your big sister. When you are going through a growth spurt (yes, you've had one already) you will sleep in 2-3 hour stretches. Normally you take around 3 naps a day though. 30 minutes to 1.5 hours in length. (STILL ACCURATE AT 4 MONTHS).

Milestones: Olivia laughed this week and she is seriously just days from being able to roll over from back to tummy. She gets stuck just a tad bit, but she's almost got it. We are so proud of her. She can hold toys in her hands, focus on a moving object, and grab toys from her tummy time mat. Though she has been holding toys from the mat for a while now, it's nice to see her not have so many attempts before being able to grab one. She can also scoot! She moves herself across the floor or tummy time mat like you wouldn't believe. She discovered screaming a few weeks ago. It's parallel to the timeline of her big sister. She's so spitty at this age as well. I hope we aren't thinking about teething already, but if we are, I'm ready! 

Things You Like: You like talking to your sister when she's on your level. You two will smile forever it seems like when you are having a conversation. You love to be held. This hasn't changed and I don't see it ever changing. You snuggle into me and I absolutely love it. You love baths, too. The process is what I think gets you though. Knowing that bath, bed, and boob are all soon coming. You like being able to see mommy at all times.. yes, even if you are playing, swinging, or in my arms. I think you like when mommy talks to you like a big girl. I don't do baby babble with you.We talk about everything under the sun. (STILL ACCURATE AT 4 MONTHS). Olivia is also a total daddy's girl (not surprised at all) just like Ava is. You love falling asleep in daddy's arms.

♥- Leilani

Olivia: Three Months Old

Can you guys believe my littlest babe is already three months old? It is unreal. Literally. Unreal. I cannot believe how fast her first year is flying by. One thing is for sure, I was meant to be this little girl's mama. The way she looks me in the eyes so deeply, like she's staring into my soul. The security that's there was she falls into a slumber in the nook of my arm. All the smiles I receive when I'm just having a conversation with her. Everything about this little girl.. I love.

Clothes: You are in six month clothing! Well, 3-6 month. 0-3 month has been a no go for a long while now, but you are now just filling out more of the six month clothing we have purchased for you. It's odd how each store has a different size chart. Target (one of my favs) has clothing sizes per every three months until 18 months clothing. Old Navy has sizes incremented like this: 0-3. 3-6, 6-12. Carter's has the same type of set up as Target.. even still, you fit some brands better than others. You are definitely a bit shorter, but I know you are chunking up. I just made your well baby for next month and I am so excited to see how much you weigh. Summer is among us, so you are in all the nice, bright colors.. rompers, dresses, bathing suits... 

Health: You haven't had a cold since your first cold at six weeks old (knock on wood) and I am SO glad for this. Summer is usually not the season for sickness, so that's a definite plus. You seem to enjoy the warm weather + you are receiving vitamin d drops and a little from the natural sunlight. You are one healthy baby girl and I am so grateful for your good health.

Feeding: Nursing on demand is what we have done since you were born. You pretty much sleep through the entire night and my milk supply is adjusting to all of your feeding habits. I have considered pumping during the times that you are asleep and donating my milk to those mamas out there who are in need of donor milk. I haven't made a solid decision yet, especially since we are moving so soon. You are so much more of a snack nurser, just like your sister was. You snack for maybe 5-10 minutes, but pretty consistently throughout the day. You prefer the left breast instead of the right, so getting you to nurse on the right side takes a bit of effort from mama.

Sleep: You are an amazing sleeper. Seriously. I could cry some big happy tears because you and your sister are both amazing sleepers. As I said above, you pretty much sleep through the night. It really depends on if you nurse prior to going to sleep around 730pm. If you nursed, you are down for the count. If you didn't, then you will wake around 2am to nurse.. then you fall back asleep. During the day your naps are short and that is in large part to your big sister. When you are going through a growth spurt (yes, you've had one already) you will sleep in 2-3 hour stretches. Normally you take around 3 naps a day though. 30 minutes to 1.5 hours in length. 

Milestones:  You are making this smacking sound with your mouth.. kind of like puckering lips. I'm fairly certain that your sister did the same thing around this age. It's super cute. You are still rolling over from tummy to back, you play with your tummy time toys all the time, and your focus is really solid. You follow my finger, you found yourself in your swing mirror, and you found your beautiful voice. You are a jabber box.. I'm fairly certain it's genetic. You are developing so incredibly well. I am so proud and thankful.

Things You Like: You like talking to your sister when she's on your level. You two will smile forever it seems like when you are having a conversation. You love to be held. This hasn't changed and I don't see it ever changing. You snuggle into me and I absolutely love it. You love baths, too. The process is what I think gets you though. Knowing that bath, bed, and boob are all soon coming. You like being able to see mommy at all times.. yes, even if you are playing, swinging, or in my arms. I think you like when mommy talks to you like a big girl. I don't do baby babble with you.We talk about everything under the sun. 

♥- Leilani

Olivia: 8 Weeks Old

Oh, Olivia Rose. It amazes me how quickly our days come and go together. You have been earth side for two beautiful months and I am still in complete awe of you. The first few weeks of your life, I was overwhelmed. Adjusting to life with two little girls is definitely not for the weak. You participated in the "witching hour" like so many newbies like you, and that was definitely the hardest adjustment. As you have become more familiar with me and I have tuned into more of your queues, we have put that to rest. I can't tell you how good it makes mommy feel to know that your tears don't come as often any more. It's harder to blog as often as i'd like, it's also harder to pull out my "big girl" camera as often as i'd like, but I am determined to document ALL of your days. 

Clothes: As of your last visit to PEDS, you weighed 11 pounds and 4 ounces... which is definitely why newborn clothes have been a thing of the past, pretty much since you turned a month old. The day after you turned one month old, we started putting you in three month clothes. Your sweet little baby legs are still a wee too short for three month pants, but you rock the onesies and they fit you so well. I did a Carters haul especially for you because I wanted to be able to pass down some of your "favorite outfits" when you grow up and have your own kiddos. Other than that, your big sister Ava left you a TON of clothes in this size. You are set! 

Health: You got your first cold at just six weeks old, mommy wasn't really prepared for that. I was panicked because you are still so new, I wanted to make sure that a cold for you didn't lead into something more troublesome. You are such a trooper though. You went through the motions of a cold without even showing symptoms of feeling ill. You had some congestion, but I made sure to keep you as clear as possible. You also have a blocked tear duct. It doesn't cause too much trouble. sometimes your left eye will get a little goop in it, but we massage your eye and clean it throughout the day. Despite a cold and blocked tear duct, you didn't slow down one bit. We are blessed to have such a strong, healthy babe.

Feeding: Mommy no longer has an oversupply of milk, so you nurse on demand ALL day long. For a couple of weeks, you would get so choked up on all the extra milk, it was frustrating for both you and I. I would have to pull you off of the breast just so you could catch your breath. I'd also have to burp you when i pulled you off, so you didn't get major gas pains.You are definitely more of a cluster feeder, but you cluster feed so much. You've recently started to let nursing soothe you when you are crying and I love this SO much. While breastmilk is for nourishment, I am so glad it has become your comfort place. 

Sleep: You have definitely started sleeping in longer stretches at night. If you go down for bed at 8pm, most nights I won't wake up to change/feed you until around 2am. The next time I wake to change/feed you is usually around 5am or so. It really depends on the kind of day you've had. If your sleep gets interrupted during the day, you are more likely to sleep soundly throughout the night. If you have a day full of great sleep, you will wake after sleeping for 4 hours at night. 

Milestones: Smiling. Oh my goodness do you smile. Your eyes are still very blue and when you smile your eyes sparkle. You can scan a room pretty thoroughly with your eyes, and will smile when your sister, daddy, or mama looks and talks to you. You also have very great head control. I find that we don't really hold your head anymore because you can hold your head up yourself. Sometimes I'll catch myself cradling your sweet head, but that's more for my own needs than yours.You rest your little hands on my chest when you fall asleep after nursing and you have continued to roll over with ease. You can hold small objects in your hand for a long period of time, and recently we tried giving you a full sized rattle.. you held onto that thing until daddy took it out of your hands. You are so incredibly strong my darling. It is a beautiful sight to see. 

Things You Like: You absolutely loved to be held. Every. Single. Moment. Of. The. Day. You love being able to see what's going on around you. You love being in daddy's arms or on daddy's chest. You will sleep FOR HOURS if you are laying on your daddy. I have loved watching your bond with your dad emerge over the last few weeks. You adore him and it's very easy to see. You seems to smile a lot when your big sister tries to amuse you. You let her mush on your sweet cheeks and don't seem to mind too much. 

8 Weeks Old.

♥- Leilani

Name Change & 23 weeks

Last night, something BIG happened. Not only did Ava become self efficient on the "big people" potty, but as I was jumping around and giving my toddler praise, without a second thought I started talking to this sweet girl growing in my womb. I was so happy, I remember saying, "Olivia! Your sister did it!" In those moments, I didn't pause. It wasn't until moments later that I realized what I had actually done. I also remember taking a shower last night and contemplating on the previous name we had chosen. I loved it, but it didn't feel "right" for us. I was so stuck on making sure our girls had the same letters to their first name, that I had kind of voided out the potential of any other names other than those that start with A. I have had this uncertainty for a few weeks now, so I softly called out Olivia, and I felt her kick me. So many signs popped up last night, it was kind of insane.

The crazy thing about this entire ordeal is that Justin's favorite girl name has always been Olivia. Even before we had Ava, decided on Ava for our first born, he loved the name Olivia. When he was in grade school he heard the name called out during attendance, and since then, he has always wanted that to be the name of his little girl. I wasn't a fan (due to popularity of the name), and I have always opted to explore other options pending we had girls. Ava is most definitely our Ava bug, and we both agreed there is no name that would better fit our first born. With baby girl # 2, before we knew she was actually a girl, Justin tried again for Olivia, but as I said before, I wanted A names. While we both liked the name previously chosen, after last night, I knew in my heart of hearts it just wasn't meant to be.

To make this iconic moment even more iconic. When we went to bed last night, Justin kissed my belly and whispered, "Goodnight Olivia. I love you." Moments later he had his hand resting on my stomach, and he felt our growing girl kick, HARD. That was his first time ever feeling a baby kick from the inside, and it was emotional to say the least. That moment pretty much sealed the deal for us, and we couldn't be happier or feel more sure about a name for this baby. I initially hesitated sharing this name change publicly, as we already changed the middle name for baby girl before, but I figure everyone will find out eventually. It has been a little weird addressing her as Olivia these past few hours, but I'm sure that's because for the past six weeks she was called by a different name.

This morning I sat Ava down and told her about the change of the name. I said, "Ava bug can you say Livy?" She squealed in delight and said, "Libby, mommy!" Close enough for me. We shared the news with those closest to us this morning and partially last night. Being the type A person I am, I immediately researched the meaning of the name Olivia, and it left me in tears. In Latin, Olivia means peace. I couldn't think of something more fitting or accurate to describe this pregnancy or my experience with the girl growing inside of me. This pregnancy has been so much more peaceful than any pregnancy I have ever had. I have piece of mind, is what i mean by that. I'm not constantly frantically worrying about those I love, because they are here. Olivia is also completely healthy with zero red flags, and that in and of itself has established a lot of peace and comfort for me.

So to answer a couple more questions. No, this name for baby girl will not be changing. This is the only name Justin has ever wanted, and I happily jumped on board with it as of last night. Yes, her middle name will still be Rose, as it is a tribute to my late grandmother that passed away. I can't wait to welcome and introduce our Olivia Rose to the world. I've already been calling her Livy Bean like all morning, and she is contently kicking away in there. I don't think there was a better way to bring in my 23rd week of pregnancy!

Here's a super quick clip of daddy saying good morning to our sweet Olivia.

Happy Tuesday all!

♥- Leilani

NOT touched out?

Happy Tuesday all! Today is a very good day for more reasons than one. First, I am officially 19 weeks pregnant with Baby bean! Secondly, the heat in Washington has decreased immensely and I couldn't be more elated about fall weather. I can finally enjoy being outdoors with Ava at any time of day and she enjoys being able to play without constantly letting me know it's hot. Over the past couple weeks my relationship with my daughter has gotten so much stronger, it's almost unbelievable. She is so in tune with her mama and my pregnancy, it's been an emotional/amazing experience to say the least. Most of my readers know that we are a very tight knit family, and "personal space" isn't something we find that we need... A few weeks ago a good friend of mine posted about being "touched out" from kiddos, pets, spouse, etc. She was in her third trimester in the dead of summer.. I am more than sure that had something to do with it. Since reading about her experience I decided to research this "touched out" notion and analyze whether or not my family or myself have ever experienced it. After a couple weeks of research and truly understanding the term, I realized that we haven't.

Since the day Ava was born, we have always held her. She has always cuddled, nuzzled, and done skin-to-skin with both Justin and I. I breastfed her just three months shy of her second birthday, so it's safe to say that touching is a norm for us. Even as a two year old, Ava will crawl into our bed when she wakes up, she cuddles her daddy or myself. When we are on the couch, she snuggles into one of us, and gives us tons of butterfly kisses. Touching is a way we show our love and express ourselves in this family. With being pregnant with baby # 2, I'm wondering if this will change? If baby #2 has a completely different personality than Ava, will she not be a "touchy baby" OR will I have another cuddle bug, and start to feel as if I'm "touched out" with my children? From what I read this is completely normal and it can occur at any point in time for people who are pregnant or people with small children.

I know a change like this would be pretty confusing for Ava, and I'm really hoping we never have to experience being "touched out" but I am being open-minded about the possibility. There are a few occasions where I know I need "mommy time" but I don't see that as being the same thing. Prenatal massages, taking a nap, getting a pedicure, those are things I do to give myself time away from my family. Justin is always more than willing to take Ava on a "daddy/daughter date" so I can do my own thing. I think that goes for everyone though. We all need some time, even if minuscule, to enjoy ourselves. Being in my second trimester has been absolute bliss for me and those around me. I'm no longer sick, and aside from shooting lower back pain, I am very pleasant to be around. I find myself wanting to be near Ava and Justin almost all day long. Ava has independent play time, which is why I'm able to do things like, blog... but other than that, I don't mind her being right next to me, always. These moments with our kids don't last as long as we'd like.

Sometimes you don't realize how quickly they are growing. How quickly those little hands that have to be on you all the time, won't be there after a while. Ava steadily exerts more independence by the day and I find myself relishing in the toddler that follows me to the bathroom, that plays peek-a-boo when I'm showering, or that lifts my shirt to kiss the baby in my belly. I love that she gives her sister raspberries, and I love when she only wants to be in my arms. I know over these next few weeks my belly is going to grow even more so in size, but that won't stop me from cuddling and loving on my first born. Even with my husband, the same applies. We are a cuddle couple, and I absolutely love being held at night. Sometimes I find myself ditching the maternity pillow just to cuddle closer. I love when Justin holds my hand, or props my feet on his legs for a massage. These moments for me remind me of how fortunate I am to have the love of two very special human beings.

Here is a link to one of the many articles I read pertaining to parents dealing with feeling touched out. For those of my readers that have personally gone through this, share your experience with me! How did you manage those types of feelings? Did they come on suddenly? Or, are you a mama with more than one little that has yet to experience this? I love being connected to my mama community on the web, so leave me a comment below, or shoot me an email! In the meantime, check out this cute photo of Ava bug being a princess AND a construction woman! She refuses to go anywhere without heels and her tool bag these days!

♥- Leilani

Baby Bean

Even though I've felt this before, it still feels surreal to wake up and feel another baby in my womb. Bean's movement is so much more distinct then the movement I had with Ava bug, and I'm sure that's because my body's done this before... and I'm more in tune with what movement actually feels like this early. As of yesterday, I am 17 weeks along in this pregnancy! I have less than three weeks until I go in for my anatomy scan, and I am so elated because Justin will be there to experience it with me. After coming home from his last "voluntold" field time, we knew we only had a couple weeks until he'd be leaving again for gunnery with his new unit. He was due to come back on the same day as my scan, but the odds of him coming home in time were slim. I thought about changing the date for my appointment, but ultimately we decided not to. Making sure baby is healthy is far more important to both of us.

Gunnery was cancelled as of yesterday evening, so fingers crossed it doesn't change through the weekend. Finding out that bit of good news last night was enough to put me in tears (it doesn't take much these days anyways). Knowing Justin will be here for quite some time put my worries at ease. He really is a major help for me, and the last (and first) time he left, it was a bit challenging doing everything two people would normally do, on top of dealing with pregnancy symptoms. I've grown to appreciate my husband even more these last four months, and I'm so grateful for all that he does. Even if it's just a load of dishes, laundry, bathing Ava, or allowing me to sleep in... all of those things are greatly appreciated. Not to mention all the sweet stuff he's been doing to bond with baby # 2 early on.

Each morning before he leaves, Ava, baby bean, and I all get kisses from daddy. Throughout the day Justin loves on my belly and talks to our growing girl. It's so heart warming for me, because this had to be done through the phone when I was pregnant with Ava. I can't wait for external kicks to happen! I know both Justin and Ava are going to be so giddy over feeling this baby move so much. There really aren't any words to express how I feel about being able to share this experience with my little family. Something I never truly got to do during my pregnancy with Ava, so I'm not taking a single moment for granted. We pulled out so much of Ava's newborn/3month/accessories over the last week. It's crazy how much stuff we have.. it's also crazy how like-new most of it all looks.

We are still going to wait to purchase the bigger items until after my anatomy scan. My goals is to have everything ready for baby girl #2 by Thanksgiving. Since we are still planning on going to New York for Christmas, I really want the house set up before we leave. When we get back home, I'll literally have 18 days until my due date! I'm so ancy when I think about how quickly Thanksgiving will be among us. The last three months of the year always seem to go by so quickly for us, so I know this pregnancy will go right along with that fast pace. On a last note, a lot of people have requested to see a "potty shot" from our ultrasound. I did include it on the new link I created for her at the top of my blog, but for all of those who asked:

Happy Tuesday all! 

♥- Leilani

Second Trimester Bliss

Aside from the occasional upchuck or feelings of nauseous, I am feeling amazing. I hit 14 weeks as of yesterday, and I am in such a great place in this pregnancy. Justin's OCT training happened at the perfect time, because I can actually keep up with my toddler and maintain a good amount of energy. There are several things that I started doing since entering my second trimester, so I wanted to share some of those things with you guys. In an effort to prep for birth, I want to do as much as I can to take care of my body as well as this miracle bean of ours. I started up prenatal massages this week, I started drinking organic raspberry leaf tea, and I will be starting prenatal yoga here shortly. The goal is to keep my muscles and core strengthened, my pelvic and uterine muscles toned, and to keep myself as relaxed and peaceful as possible through the coming weeks. I didn't do any of those things with my pregnancy with Ava, and truthfully, this time around I am aware of so much more.

I didn't really think of the importance of contributing to myself during a pregnancy because my sole focus was on what I needed to do to be healthy for baby/to keep baby healthy. Going through a deployment didn't really aid in trying to stay relaxed, but I did exceptionally well given our circumstances. With a husband that is stateside, a mind full of even more knowledge than before, and ample time to really allow myself to dive into all things pregnancy/birth... I'd say this is a perfect recipe for this mama to really indulge and take everything in at my own pace. I've even been thinking about what to pack for my hospital bag (no judgement, I like doing these sort of things), and thinking about what kind of personal touches I want to have during this pregnancy. One of those personal items is a gownie with a matching pillow set. Because hospitals can be so... "non personal" I want my birthing room to be US. I plan on decorating the room in happy birthday decor (just like I did with Ava), having my own pillow, and bringing my own hospital gown. We are most definitely bringing a camcorder and we will be having a birth photographer... Can you tell I've been jumping the gun with this pregnancy? I'm just so excited, happy, and feeling extremely blessed! I can't contain myself.

You just never know how many opportunities you will get to carry a child, or bring new life into the world. This is something to be celebrated because it is the most beautiful thing you will ever do with your body. That is the major reason why I am going COMPLETELY overboard with this pregnancy. Justin will be home, Ava will be right alongside us, and I am in my home state with family all around. Even writing this out, I am full of tears. This pregnancy happened at such a perfect time for us, and I am thrilled/blessed/ecstatic/overthemoon/elated/happy/feelingwonderous that we have been given this babe of ours. I am currently in the middle of messaging one of the birth photographers I took an interest in, and it looks like she has availability for the month of January! She's pretty well known around our area, so I'm extremely excited to meet with her and converse some of the ideas I have for our birth experience. I don't think I mentioned that as of about 13 weeks, I can distinctly hear baby bean's heartbeat on a fetal doppler? It will never not get me emotional to hear my baby's strong heartbeat. I remember how i felt when I heard Ava's heartbeat on my own for the first time. It is truly the most beautiful rhythm in the world.

So, I know this is jumbled, and not really in order, but I just wanted to update you guys. Pregnancy highlights will only be coming in 4 week increments, but I feel like a lot of things happen on a weekly basis around here. Stay tuned for the next blog, I'm making my first video post for this pregnancy!

Happy Wednesday all!

♥- Leilani

Elective Ultrasound

During my pregnancy with Ava bug, I ended up finding out her sex at around 16 weeks and 3 days (give or take a day). It was completely unplanned (although I'd tried quite a few times before), but I was the most ecstatic pregnant woman to find out the gender, even with the nasty cold I had. I remember I had to hold off on telling people because I hadn't talked to Justin in a couple days. I wanted to tell him before I told our families, or the social media world. That really was one of the hardest secrets I've ever had to keep. 48 hours of complete torture. I didn't do gender reveal photos for Ava bug, I remember just sharing a photo of Justin holding up baby girl clothes.

This time around, I am just as anxious to find out what we are having. I'll be 16 weeks in less than three weeks at this point, and I'm thinking about going to a facility that offers elective ultrasounds. I spoke with a friend of mine about her experience with a particular company she'd went to with her daughter, and she had so many good things to say. You receive a good amount of images, a disc with a video of your little one moving around, and a handful of other goodies. The real treat with baby # 2 is that Justin will be present for the gender reveal and so will Ava bug! I really want to do a special gender reveal for our family and friends, so that should be a real treat too!

This blog is actually a poll for all of my fellow mama's or mamas-to-be. How many of you waited until your 20 week anatomy scan to find out the gender of your baby? How many of you decided you wanted the gender to be a surprise? How many of you had a difficult baby and weren't able to get a gender determination? And lastly, how many of you opted to get an elective ultrasound to find out the gender of your baby? I'd really like to get some good feedback on this mamas, so don't be shy and drop a comment or send me an email.

While I know that finding out the gender of this baby won't change the love we have for bean, the outcome of this pregnancy, or speed up the process.. I do think it's a super fun aspect to dream and coo over the growing baby inside of me. I don't think we'll be doing a 3D or 4D ultrasound at this point, just because of the risks and how early on we are opting to get the ultrasound. I've heard that the heat associated with both of those are actually harmful for the baby as well, and we are so not willing to risk our baby's health for the sake of seeing their goods.

A small part of me wants to wait until our 20 week scan, just so we can celebrate potentially knowing the gender AND being halfway through this pregnancy.. I'll definitely have to talk it over more with Justin to see what he really wants to do. Overall I'm just happy to be experiencing pregnancy milestones with my husband being state side. I can't wait to do gender reveal photos, maternity photos, and have Justin's hand there the first time baby kicks! So many great things to celebrate within this pregnancy (even if I did trade in morning sickness for wicked intense heartburn).

Happy Wednesday all!

♥- Leilani

Pregnancy after loss

I don't think I've spent a whole lot of time talking about the baby Justin and I lost in March 2011, and that's simply because the road to healing/recovery was one that we decided to keep private. If it's something you've never experienced (I pray none of my readers ever have to), it can be traumatic and life altering to say the least. After losing a baby, and becoming pregnant with Ava almost 1.5 years later... I was worried about everything. I didn't enjoy my pregnancy as much as I should have (in the beginning), because I was always scared. I was scared of losing my baby, I was scared that my body couldn't keep a baby safe, and every cramp or tinge of pain... I immediately thought the worst. I can't tell you how many trips I made to the E.R. because I needed reassurance that Ava was okay. That's also the reason I purchased a fetal doppler. I wanted to be able to hear her heart beating, and know that all was well inside my womb.

Things got better once I hit 20 weeks in my pregnancy. I finally started purchasing big baby items, I embraced my growing belly, and I talked to Ava without feeling like I was going to lose her. Each week, my feelings of fear would diminish a bit more, and once we hit 24 weeks, I felt an overwhelming sense of calm as that meant viability. I loved every moment of my pregnancy with Ava, and looking back there isn't one thing I would have changed... other than the amount of time I spent worrying. Let's fast forward two years and nine months and here I am pregnant with baby # 2. I will be 13 weeks pregnant tomorrow, I can tell (already) that this pregnancy is so much different than my pregnancy with Ava.

I'm not even referring to the symptoms, but more my emotions. While I did announce my pregnancy sooner with Ava, I have been less fearful early on this time around. I smile, I laugh, I talk about this baby all the time. I have gotten more ultrasounds than most, for my own reassurance, but that's been okay with me. I'm taking baby steps in the right direction and that's all I wanted. I wake up and instead of worrying about every tinge of pain or cramp, I roll with it. I talk to my baby and love on my belly SO much. This energy has in turn rubbed off on my daughter, because Ava loves on my belly more than anyone in this house.

I've been feeling so good about this pregnancy early on, that yesterday I purchased my first baby item. I bought hooded terry cloth (gender neutral colored) towels. Granted, the purchase wasn't very big, but it made me smile that I even thought to grab something for our little miracle bean. I'm still early enough to where strangers can't tell we're expecting, but I have found myself talking to random strangers about my pregnancy (something I never did with my pregnancy with Ava). I guess the point of this blog was to show how much I've grown after my loss. I never thought I'd be able to successfully carry a child after my loss, and here I am now.. with baby # 2. I feel more confident in my body, my faith, and my mindset. Loss is something that never goes away, but all you can do is grow from it. you realize how precious pregnancy is, and how amazing it is to hold the baby you've carried in your arms.

The love I have for my kids comes from somewhere deep and pure. I will never take them for granted, I will never take pregnancy for granted. So many good things have happened since our loss, and rather than allowing the thought of how we got here to cripple me today, I have healed. So while those towels I bought seems so trivial and even silly, it was an indication that this mama is healed. This mama is moving forward and enjoying this pregnancy.

Big sister giving baby some morning lovin'

Happy Monday all!

♥- Leilani

Emotional

Keeping up with my blog has proven to be more difficult than I originally anticipated, but I'm slowly but surely trying to stay on top of the ideas that are fresh in my mind. Since finding out we are expecting baby # 2 so many things have happened to me. Things have changed emotionally, physically, and just my overall energy. Most of the time, I remain overjoyed about this pregnancy. I couldn't be any more thrilled that we conceived, and that we are bringing another life into the world. They are rough days where I succumb to my morning sickness, and those days are harder for me to stay peppy and to keep my mind on the overall joyous creation. When you are vomiting all day long, not keeping anything down, and curled up in a ball on your couch all day... it's really hard to think about much of anything. I've felt like I'm letting myself down, my family down, and even some of the goals I had set out for myself this summer.

I depend on Justin so much more than I ever have with help with Ava bug and help around the house. He's a trooper, and he doesn't complain, but I know it's absolutely exhausting for him to work and then come home and essentially work some more. I know Justin enjoys all the extra time with Ava, but I also know that after a 12 hour work day, he also needs to unwind. I find myself getting extremely emotional and upset that I am physically unable to be this "super mom" for my family right now. Cooking meals has become a rare occasion for me, I think the most I've done in the last month or so is fold laundry, bath Ava bug, and attempt to fully clean out the rooms upstairs. The everyday chores of running a household have proven to be so challenging, and most of the time all I want to do is sleep.

I also feel like I've let Ava down as my patience is running low, and the amount of activities I do with her in a day are also lower. I sometimes find myself relying on select t.v. shows, Justin, and the help of family members when it comes to entertaining her. This is what gets me more upset than anything else. I feel like I'm not being the best mom I can be. I also have had moments where her rare, but obvious two year old behavior gets the best of me, and I have to go sit down and cry it out for a few minutes. Before I go any further, I know it's not entirely my own fault that I am having some serious acute morning sickness. No one could have anticipated this, and we are all rolling with the punches. I still don't see this pregnancy as an excuse to completely check out on my child's growth. Each day I try so much harder than the day before to do something fun with Ava, to teach her something new, and to work on some of the skills she has already established.

This without a doubt is the hardest part of this pregnancy for me. I wanted so badly for things to remain the same for as long as they could before the baby came, but it seems as if life had other plans. As the weeks go on in this pregnancy, some days are better than others. I'm gaining some "feel good" strength back, and I really do try to make the most of it when I have it. Aside from Justin and Ava bug, I took an extended leave from school for the next few weeks. I am so disappointed in myself for not staying on track for graduation, but I am extremely PROUD of myself for knowing when to empty my plate with things that aren't mandatory. Aside from my family, nothing in this world is mandatory for me. Nothing comes before the happiness of my husband and daughter, and that's just how my world turns.

So, as you can see, things haven't been "tip top" around the Howland house at all times. We did take a trip to the coast (blog on this later), and it was so very needed for relaxing and family bonding. We are all adjusting to this pregnant mama's first trimester symptoms, and desperately praying that they subside come trimester number two. For the most part, I know that Ava bug and Justin are enjoying all of the time they have together, and the important aspects of our lives are being addressed and handled. Most of my goals in a day have become so singular, that I see the importance of "taking it easy" and I plan on utilizing it so much more.

Here's a picture of Ava and Justin from the beach. Seems trivial, but that genuine laughter, toes in the sand, and ultimate happiness is what makes my heart completely full, and reminds me that everything is truly going to be alright.

♥- Leilani

Booster Seat

Morning (all day) sickness has officially taken over my life (again). Most days, it's a miracle if I can fold a load of laundry and entertain my toddler without hurling. This pregnancy has truly taken me for a whirlwind of symptom surprises, and my family is still adjusting to this mama not being full of energy and help at all times. That being said, I have let my blogging hit a total rut and I don't like it. There is still so much going on with my family and I'm trying my best to keep all of my readers and family members updated. One of the many changes that have occurred (more specifically with Ava), is having a two year old. The past few weeks have showed tremendous change and growth with our Ava bug. We decided that Ava was ready to fully ditch the high chair, and move on to booster seats. When we go out to eat, she only eats in booster seats. For the most part, when we are home, she eats her meals at her little table. The little table solution would be great, if we didn't mind our toddler eating her meals alone.

Dining is a family "thing" for us, so the full solution was to purchase a booster seat for our home. I'm a little sad to see the high chair go, but I know this is a better choice for Ava. slowly but surely this last year has diminished all of the baby qualities that I once loved so much. This part of her growth makes me even more excited for my pregnancy with baby # 2. I know that I'll be able to experience the baby stuff all over again. If I'm being honest, I miss those days. I miss smelling sweet newborn skin, and breastfed baby breath. I miss Ava's sweet little hands and how she loved to nuzzle into my chest. All of those things went by far too quickly, so to say that I'm excited about experiencing this with another child of mine is a complete understatement!

Aside from the booster seat, Ava has decided she likes to have her hair done everyday. Her hair has gotten so long this past year, and I absolutely love it. She loves bows, pretty clips, and frozen themed ponytails. She loves getting her toes painted, and dancing around in her dance tutu all day long. Her personality is becoming very strong, and it's becoming very clear who my little girl is right now. Her understanding of the world around her has become so vast, that sometimes it leaves me speechless. We really don't give little people enough credit. They take in so much of this world and if you slow down long enough, you are able to catch a glimpse of it. It's the best thing in the world.

Tomorrow marks 9 weeks of pregnancy with our miracle bean, and the day after, I have another ultrasound. I'm so incredibly excited to experience all of this with Justin alongside me. He did miss my OB registration appointment, and I had like an emotional meltdown. Aside from that, he's been present for everything, and extremely supportive to top it off. We have opted to bring Ava along for my obgyn appointments, so she feels included every step of the way. I'm really looking forward to the next two weeks of vacation time for my family. It is much needed, and we can't wait to be near the ocean!

That's all for now, I'm going to attempt to each lunch and pray that it actually stays down.

Happy Monday all!

♥- Leilani

Mother's day surprise

I always knew the month of May was perfect, but never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be EVEN MORE perfect. On Mother's day, I found out I was pregnant with baby #2. The shock has still not worn off just yet. I bet your wondering how all this happened, right? Well, while Justin was still away at ALC I started taking progesterone pills to jump start a menstrual cycle. I originally planned on sharing yet another fertility journey with my readers, family, and friends, but at the last minute I decided not to. The last and only other time I shared this journey publicly, there was a lot of stress associated with it. A lot of disappointment, and a little heartache. I was a little sad that I wasn't able to share the good news everyone was waiting for, and I was even more sad when I got questions about when we planned on trying again, or if i was extremely bummed about not being pregnant. I decided that fertility matters would be something that Justin and I kept private from here on out. With Ava bug, we didn't really tell anyone. Now, with my second "private" cycle, we have conceived! I can't tell you the happiness my little family feels right now!

After I jump started a menstrual cycle, I started injecting myself... daily.. with hormones. I never imagined I'd have the courage to get that done alone, but I proved myself wrong. I did it every single day with the exception of one day once Justin returned home. Before I go any further, there are some serious thanks to be given. The day I had my baseline ultrasound (first day of menstrual) was a Friday, and I was due to start my medications on Saturday. Thanks to a dear friend of mine, she saved Justin and I a whole heap of cash and time, by personally delivering my hormone medications to my home. I can't tell you how awesome it was to see her again, AND have her play a vital role in this pregnancy! She was in the delivery room when I delivered Ava bug, and she even cut her umbilical cord! Thanks a million Ann! We love and appreciate you dearly.

The first ultrasound appointment I had for this cycle was the last ultrasound appointment I had for this cycle. My follicles were measuring at 22mm, and the reproductive endocrinologist likes them to grow to about 20mm. They decided I was to trigger that day, it was a Tuesday. April 28th to be exact. Justin and I had been "baby dancing" all weekend  (that's what we'll call it), since he came back home after 7 whole weeks, so I felt good about our odds this time around. Once I got the trigger shot, we baby danced into the end of the week, and we prayed like crazy. These past two weeks have honestly been the hardest. I have felt non stop cramping since the day I KNOW I ovulated, and I had good vibes right from the very start. The day before Mother's day, I took a first response pregnancy test. There was a faint, white stark line that popped up that had me feeling a little sad, but still hopeful. I was testing four days before I should have, so I know I still had time. On Mother's day afternoon, I decided to take another test. This brand was Clear Blue and immediately, I could see the (much darker) faint line for the positive test.

Monday afternoon (today), I went in for a blood draw just to make sure that the positive was a true positive. I got a call less than an hour later with a congratulations from the clinic, and information on how to pick up my prenatals and start my OB appointments. I immediately texted Justin and let him know, then I went to the store to pick up a fresh pack of pregnancy tests. I couldn't even wait until I got home, so I wheeled Ava bug in her stroller into the bathroom, so I could get some tangible results for myself. Sure enough, the two pink lines showed up immediately. I am still in complete awe and shock you guys. Another baby to call ours... there is no better feeling. I'm scared, nervous, and I'm sitting on cloud 9. We've been waiting for this moment for what seems like forever, and I can't wait to experience a pregnancy and delivery with my husband right by my side.

Here's a photo of the pregnancy test I took! Still can't believe Howland baby # 2 will be arriving in 2016!

♥- Leilani

Vlogging

First ever fertility vlog

♥- Leilani

Back To Bedsharing

Yes, you read that correctly. Ava bug is back in our bed, and I'm honestly not bothered by it one bit. Over the past week Ava has had a fever of 100.8 and Justin and I both chucked it up to teething.. until it happened over the course of the next three days. I scheduled an appointment with her PCM (actually a doctor on the same team as her PCM), and they got me in the same day. That morning Ava bug clearly had a rash that I could see in her hairline. By the time I took her into PEDS she had the rash on her back as well. I was completely freaked out because my child has never had more than a stomach bug in her entire fifteen months of life.

The rash is benign, but it still worried me. The doctor told us that Ava has a viral exanthem. Basically her body was fighting a virus of some sort and the rash is the reaction her body had due to the virus. It doesn't appear painful, and she isn't scratching at it. It breaks my heart that my little one is going through this, and at this point I wouldn't even know where she could have picked up a virus of this kind. We haven't really done anything out of the ordinary other than explore Seattle more than usual.

At this point, my goal is to make my daughter feel as comfortable as possible. This includes nighttime snuggles with mom and dad. Even after all that has occurred since we starting co-sleeping with Ava, I really don't see the major deal. I mean yes, having an additional human being in your bed takes some getting used to, but all in all, it's not a bother for us. I don't see this being a permanent switch, but I'm enjoying the toddler cuddles I'm getting right now.

On a trying to conceive note, I think we are taking the next month to recoop and get (my) our feelings in order. I won't lie guys, I was really let down this past month with the news of no baby. I tried to shrug it off, but it was still really disappointing. I know I've got to get my optimism up and my game face on! Babies take time to make, and there isn't a real rush. I keep looking back at my maternity photos I had taken while I was pregnant with Ava.. I can't wait to experience that all over again. Here's a little throwback Wednesday for all my blog readers. Wasn't that baby bump just precious?

Photo Cred: Victoria Simmons Photography

Happy Tuesday all!

♥- Leilani

Weaning & The Baby Doc

These last couple days Washington has showed it's *true* colors and we've had constant rain and wind. I honestly don't mind it at all because it reminds me of why I love the Pacific Northwest. The rain has also given us a nice little break from the heat. During this time Ava bug and I have had plenty of time for indoor cuddles and games. We've been snuggling together, learning new games together, and even taking trips down to the library to explore new books. As much as i've enjoyed these last couple days, I've also been extremely emotional as well.

A lot of my readers have read some of my posts that talked about weaning, and my feelings about it. I wanted to be that mama that allowed their child to nurse until they were ready to let go...but with being on certain medications for trying to conceive baby # 2, it doesn't look like that's going to happen. It literally breaks my heart in two knowing that I'm going to alter my child's comfort. Breastfeeding has become so much more than nutrition; so much more than bonding; I can't even sit here and write this post tear free, because that's how emotional I am by my decision.

The silver lining in all of this, is that Ava really is weaning herself (I've mentioned this before). Not as quickly as we need her to, but she is. She drinks milk from her big girl cup three times a day, and the only time she really nurses is before any type of sleep, and when she's upset. That gives me hope that this "weaning process" won't be as traumatic as I'm imagining it to be. The biggest challenge for me will be not offering her the breast. I have a really bad habit of that, and I know it isn't helping our situation.

On a lighter note, my first appointment with the endocrinologist is tomorrow, which means you guys will get to see my first fertility vlog with TTC #2! I'm so excited to share this journey with all of my readers, and hopefully the next blog will allow for more information on what our route looks like. I'm trying not to go into this too optimistic, but it's hard. It took one assisted cycle for us to conceive Ava bug, and it'd be amazing if that was the case with our next baby as well. Regardless of how long it takes, we are definitely on board (and ready). We'd definitely appreciate you guys thinking good thoughts for us Howlands though!

Because so much is changing, I decided to give you guys a little throwback Thursday! Well, a then and now. I think it's safe to say that every mama likes a good nursing photo, and I've got tons to share! Here's a comparison with over a year in between.

Then (Photo Cred: VSP)

Now (Photo Cred: JOP) 

Happy Thursday all!

♥- Leilani

Justin Jr.

This past week has honestly been, perfect. Rekindling with Justin has been wonderful, and we are finally dipping back into our old routine. I feel like I can finally breath again now that everything in my world is normal. I'm a little sad that our "stay-cation" will soon be over, but block leave is a little more than three weeks away, and I can't wait to explore the coast of Washington/Oregon with my sweet little family.

Here lately Justin and I have been talking about a "Justin Jr." when we discuss the people in our family. It's always a funny, but serious conversation, seeing as how we only have one child, and her name is definitely Ava. We've been looking at houses for sale in this area and we catch ourselves talking about Ava's room and little Justin Jr.'s room. It's actually pretty cute, and it has me all excited about trying to conceive baby number two. I don't know what is in the air, but everyone I know is either expecting a baby, or going through severe baby fever. So many signs have been popping up for us in the last few months, and as you all know the finals steps for trying are soon approaching.

I love this part of baby talk. It's seriously without a doubt one of my favorite topics of conversation. Justin will sit and watch water birth videos with me, doula videos, and discuss different laboring methods. He is so invested, and I am sincerely tickled by his interest. Last night we went over our fears about adding another addition "so soon" and we also discussed the aspects that have us more thane excited for another baby. Discussions like this allow me to reminisce on the talks we had before  Ava came into our lives. I sometimes cannot believe that was almost two years ago.

This next week we are making an effort to sift through all the baby stuff that is currently taking up space in this house. We are donating the things we no longer need, selling the items that are in great condition, and reorganizing all that we plan to keep. I'm really glad we kept all of the bigger items gender neutral (just in case). Somehow I feel like we won't be spending nearly as much with this next baby. That is definitely an added bonus that I'm perfectly okay with.

For all my readers that have toddlers and infants at home, what has been your biggest difficulties? What are some of the things you love about having two small ones at home? Comment below or shoot me an email.

Happy Friday all!

♥- Leilani

Okay, July can get here now.

Can you believe we are already in the month of June? I'm seriously so stoked for this summer! All I can think about are days on the lake, countless baseball games, and tons of fun traveling the West coast with my sweet little family. This weekend was definitely one for the books. Washington decided to finally give us more than just a day or two of amazing weather, so you know we were taking full advantage. We ended up going to a park literally just minutes away from our house. The park is actually sitting on a lake, so aside from the playgrounds and trails, we had a pretty awesome view. There aren't too many things more precious than picnicking in the sun, and watching our little one in complete fascination with her surroundings.

Cooper also had a blast today. He ran out into the lake (first time in a body of water.. thank you gators in Georgia) and he just went to town on the water! The labrador in him came out, and he just loved swimming around. Justin and I decided that every weekend, we are going to take our kids out to enjoy the lush evergreens of Washington. There are literally a million things to do with your pets in tow, and I know Cooper loves being included. I'm almost positive that I'm booking a weekend getaway at Ocean Shores this summer...best part? We get to bring our pooch with us! I'm ready for huge red kites, sand in my toes, and waves for days.

Did I mention that a certain Mr. Howland asked if I was ready to try for a baby this July? I wasn't shocked (he has baby fever pretty bad), and I'm definitely on board! Ava has her one year check up this week, so it looks like I'll be making an appointment for myself as well. The last time we went through this process, I wasn't blogging as traditionally as I do now. From start to finish I plan on making vlogs about our fertility process, ultrasounds, and more. I don't know what it is with us and baby number two. Seeing how perfect Ava is, and how great parenthood has been, definitely is a huge factor. Justin keeps bringing up mini vans, and more little ones.. I have a feeling we'll end up having a much bigger family than we initially planned. The best part of this entire conversation? Knowing that we are ready. Our marriage is in a very healthy place, and so are our parenting abilities. Stability in our lives is such an important factor in why we are okay with this decision.

When I say stability, I don't necessarily mean income. Of course that's important too, but having a healthy relationship is vital as well. I know that our family is healthy and ready to add another little addition. I was a little nervous about what our loved ones would say. Baby # 2 already? Leilani, you're only 23 years old!? What about school? Surprisingly, all we've received is excitement and joy! Having the support of family and friends is important to me, and I'm glad we have that. Being back home in Washington will also add to the excitement of this journey. Knowing that I'll have family and friends visiting after I deliver, being able to (hopefully) hold our new baby with Justin and Ava beside me... Man, I'm getting all choked up just thinking about it.

Look at this picture.. Can you believe it's very possible that I'll soon be taking photos of two Howl babies during bedtime stories with daddy? I can hardly wait.

Happy Sunday all!

♥- Leilani

Photo Session

Today was such a wonderful day. Washington was full of sunshine and perfect views of Mt. Rainier; needless to say I was tickled by the weather. I finished our last minute shopping for Ava's photo session tomorrow, and I'm pretty pleased with how all of the props turned out. I ended up having lunch with a couple of the wives from Justin's new company, and I'm happy to report that it was a lovely time. Both ladies were incredibly sweet, and we shared some laughter as well. I'm pretty excited about being involved with the FRG (family readiness group) for this company. I'm hoping I'll be able to get more of the families here involved in some fun social events.

I've also started working on Ava's six-twelve month compilation video. I started crying last night going through all of the pictures. Guys, my little girl is going to be one year old. I say this in almost every blog post, but I just cannot believe it. I also noticed that Justin is in far more pictures than I am. I know a good chunk of the time it's because I'm the one taking the photos. I came to the conclusion that this next year is going to be different. I don't want to look back and not have a good amount of photos of Ava bug and I. During tomorrow's photo session, we are doing nursing photos, but I also want to do a few fun ones too. We have the best laughs and so much fun, I'm really hoping Chloe can capture that essence for us.

My sister is coming to Ava's shoot with us, so who knows, she may just get one of all three of us! I almost forgot to mention my latest product review. Innobaby has given me a couple of their products to test out. One of them is their stainless bus tray, and the other is their stainless snack boxes. Ava hasn't quite transitioned to feeding herself during every meal, but we will soon be at that stage. I plan on giving them a try tomorrow, and getting a vlog or blog out on our experience. I've heard really good things about this company, and I'm delighted that I get to work with them.

On another note, I'm fairly positive I am suffering from sever baby fever. I thought that tandem nursing wasn't for our family, but I'm really starting to reconsider it. After my last pregnancy scare, I was a bit bummed out when the results were negative. With Ava getting older (and a bit more independent), I don't think she'd be nursing nearly as much. I'm really not ready to let that go, but my whole heart is on board for another child. I talk to Justin about this often, and he is ready as well. I know you guys are probably too ancy about seeing an "I'm pregnant" post, but don't you worry, I have a feeling that'll be sooner than you think. I love talking about wanting to conceive, it's one of my favorite parts of the process. You know what really doesn't help with baby fever? When I get on Pinterest and I see a bunch of images like this:

Tandem nursing may not be for everyone, but I really would like to give it a try. If any issues should arise I know I'd stop, but I'm excited that I'm not fearful of nursing during a pregnancy anymore. Alright guys, I'm off! Tons of homework to do, and I need beauty rest for tomorrow. Make sure to check back here tomorrow night, I'm posting cake smash photos (If I get previews)!

Happy Tuesday all!

♥- Leilani

Update

I woke up this morning and there is zero blood present. There isn't any part of me that thinks I'm getting ready to start my menstrual. I know my body, and I'm starting to lean more towards a possible pregnancy. I had some minor cramping this morning, but it's not as bad as it was last night. I really don't know how to feel right now. If I take a test in a couple weeks, I'm either going to be extremely excited, or extremely let down. A definite plus side to all of this is my health. I've stayed on prenatals since my pregnancy with Ava, and I've maintained good health throughout Ava's infancy (still nursing).

The best part of this entire situation (whether there be a baby coming or not) is the "fun" aspect of the situation. I always wanted to conceive without the pressure of "trying" to have a baby. I think it's a lot less stressful and romantic when you can just freely express love with your mate. Granted, we purposely did fertility treatments with Ava, and I have zero complaints about that process, but I like the idea of a natural, not planned (but not unwanted), pregnancy.

There really isn't' much else to update about. If I am pregnant, I'm debating whether to make it super special for Justin. Possibly get it on video? I think his reaction would be priceless.

Happy Tuesday all!

♥- Leilani