Today we took the girls to see Santa at the mall and it was SUCH a great experience for us. The last time we took Ava to see Santa I believe she was 1.5 years old? Yes, she was and she definitely bawled. I felt so bad. Like really bad. We didn't take her last year because of her experience the year before (we were also in New York, I was 37 weeks pregnant, and we were on the go the entire trip) and I honestly thought visiting Santa would become a thing of the past... until Ava became a preschooler. Her mind, how smart she is, how receptive she is.. man! This year, she knows who Santa is. She knows his good pal Rudolph and Frosty the snowman of course. She knows that Santa brings her presents when she's a good girl - and that we leave him milk and cookies.

I mean, she understands the very traditions I did as a child. These full circle moments are almost too much for my heart to handle. I get so emotional each time I get to share something special with my girls. A couple weeks ago, something fantastic happened! Thanks to our technology driven world, Ava received a video chat from Santa - she went crazy. She couldn't believe that Santa had called her and she literally told everyone we know here in Texas. Since then, I've watched this warm Christmas spirit emerge more everyday from my sweet girl. Seriously. She sings all of "Santa's Songs" and she looks out for snow (not likely where we are), and she stays true to using only her rudolph decor and silverware. 

I told Ava early this morning that we'd be going to see Santa after her swim class... I have never seen her jump out of bed so quickly. All through breakfast this morning all she could talk about was seeing Santa. I was so excited that she was excited! We waited in line for almost a solid 30 minutes until it was our turn. Ava was a bit more shy and timid than I was expecting but she definitely let him know what she wanted for Christmas. Elena's little sister Isabel and a barbie house. BOOM. The hard part was over. No tears on Ava's end- in fact, she even gave Santa a hug. Olivia on the other hand - she BAWLED as soon as Justin sat her down on Santa's lap. I know we both expected that to happen. We kept Olivia's visit very short and let Ava finish talking to Santa before it was time to go. Our oldest was kind of in awe of this white beareded man. Seeing the look on her face when we left made the entire trip worth it. 

♥- Leilani

Presidential Election

To say I am devastated is a complete understatement. I have taken SO much time processing this today. Donald Trump is our 45th president of the United States. I never thought I would actually be typing those words. I never thought that a nightmare of a presidential election would get even scarier... but alas, here we are. I'm slowly picking up the pieces of what once was my humanity and faith for this country. Some people have barked things like - "What's the big deal? It's not like it's going to change anything." Others have said, "Get over it. TRUMP won. Let's make America great again." And my personal favorite from last night - "It's not like he's going to sexually assault you. Stop being paranoid." 

Ouch. This stings. I am so hurt. As a minority, as a woman, and as a mother to two beautiful little girls.. how can this not hurt? How can this not be taken personally? The issue here is the message we are sending. The issue here is what we are telling the next generation. All of the little boys and girls of America have Mr. Trump to look up to.. and to be honest? Who would want to look up to someone like that? Someone that lacks good will, morals, and concrete values? Someone that has never served a day in his life in the armed service and someone who has never had a political career? That's just scratching the surface. 

This man time and time again has shown a complete disregard for women. Respecting women, acknowleding women, and being inclusive of women's rights. I think the punch in the gut is coming across women who actually voted for (or are okay with) the candidate that won the election. How can I as a woman support someone that stands for things that are meant to make me feel lesser than?

That's all I can bring myself to write right now. Hopefully time will shed some light on the current situation America has found itself in.

♥- Leilani

Emotional

Keeping up with my blog has proven to be more difficult than I originally anticipated, but I'm slowly but surely trying to stay on top of the ideas that are fresh in my mind. Since finding out we are expecting baby # 2 so many things have happened to me. Things have changed emotionally, physically, and just my overall energy. Most of the time, I remain overjoyed about this pregnancy. I couldn't be any more thrilled that we conceived, and that we are bringing another life into the world. They are rough days where I succumb to my morning sickness, and those days are harder for me to stay peppy and to keep my mind on the overall joyous creation. When you are vomiting all day long, not keeping anything down, and curled up in a ball on your couch all day... it's really hard to think about much of anything. I've felt like I'm letting myself down, my family down, and even some of the goals I had set out for myself this summer.

I depend on Justin so much more than I ever have with help with Ava bug and help around the house. He's a trooper, and he doesn't complain, but I know it's absolutely exhausting for him to work and then come home and essentially work some more. I know Justin enjoys all the extra time with Ava, but I also know that after a 12 hour work day, he also needs to unwind. I find myself getting extremely emotional and upset that I am physically unable to be this "super mom" for my family right now. Cooking meals has become a rare occasion for me, I think the most I've done in the last month or so is fold laundry, bath Ava bug, and attempt to fully clean out the rooms upstairs. The everyday chores of running a household have proven to be so challenging, and most of the time all I want to do is sleep.

I also feel like I've let Ava down as my patience is running low, and the amount of activities I do with her in a day are also lower. I sometimes find myself relying on select t.v. shows, Justin, and the help of family members when it comes to entertaining her. This is what gets me more upset than anything else. I feel like I'm not being the best mom I can be. I also have had moments where her rare, but obvious two year old behavior gets the best of me, and I have to go sit down and cry it out for a few minutes. Before I go any further, I know it's not entirely my own fault that I am having some serious acute morning sickness. No one could have anticipated this, and we are all rolling with the punches. I still don't see this pregnancy as an excuse to completely check out on my child's growth. Each day I try so much harder than the day before to do something fun with Ava, to teach her something new, and to work on some of the skills she has already established.

This without a doubt is the hardest part of this pregnancy for me. I wanted so badly for things to remain the same for as long as they could before the baby came, but it seems as if life had other plans. As the weeks go on in this pregnancy, some days are better than others. I'm gaining some "feel good" strength back, and I really do try to make the most of it when I have it. Aside from Justin and Ava bug, I took an extended leave from school for the next few weeks. I am so disappointed in myself for not staying on track for graduation, but I am extremely PROUD of myself for knowing when to empty my plate with things that aren't mandatory. Aside from my family, nothing in this world is mandatory for me. Nothing comes before the happiness of my husband and daughter, and that's just how my world turns.

So, as you can see, things haven't been "tip top" around the Howland house at all times. We did take a trip to the coast (blog on this later), and it was so very needed for relaxing and family bonding. We are all adjusting to this pregnant mama's first trimester symptoms, and desperately praying that they subside come trimester number two. For the most part, I know that Ava bug and Justin are enjoying all of the time they have together, and the important aspects of our lives are being addressed and handled. Most of my goals in a day have become so singular, that I see the importance of "taking it easy" and I plan on utilizing it so much more.

Here's a picture of Ava and Justin from the beach. Seems trivial, but that genuine laughter, toes in the sand, and ultimate happiness is what makes my heart completely full, and reminds me that everything is truly going to be alright.

♥- Leilani

Emotional

Ava and Justin are already asleep for the evening, so it looks like this mama is packing up the parts of this house that she can do by herself. As I started packing up my child's first "big girl" bathroom, I noticed I got a bit emotional about it. I came across an empty vitamin d bottle that Ava had to use daily when she was solely nursed, and I started blubbering over it. I think about how long ago that was and it makes me completely sad. This house has been the place where Ava bug hit so many milestones, including switching from solely nursing. This was the home that Ava started crawling in. I'll never forget that day. It was before all of our things from our move arrived, so there was absolutely no furniture in sight. It was cold outside and I was still feeling a bit jet lagged from our travels. When Ava crawled, I took it as a sign that everything was going to be okay here. I was right, everything was okay.

This is the home we were in when snow fell from the ground on a random February day. It was Ava's first time playing in snow... I'll never forget her toothless grins. Speaking of, she got her first set of teeth in this home as well. She danced, stood, and walked in this very home for the first time. It's really hard to walk away from those types of memories. Although we moved from Georgia to Texas and then here, this has been Ava's home the longest since she's been alive. This is the state she's been in the longest since she's been alive. A huge part of me is really hating the fact that we won't be here six days from now.

I'm also a little nervous about how Ava will take to her new surroundings. The last time we moved, the only thing that seemed to change was her development. She crawled just two days after our move and she's been full speed ever since. I'm worried she won't take to the new house well. She's almost 20 months old and a complete sponge. Soaking in new surroundings, she knows her comfort zones, and I know this move is going to mess with that a little bit. I know this seems a bit ridiculous, but it doesn't matter how big or small the circumstances... I don't like goodbyes. It's not like I can just drive to this previous home of ours and enter whenever I want.. that's not how it works, and I hate it. I've always been a person that resented change. Then I became the person that accepted change. Now I'm the person that accepts change and takes the good from it, but worries terribly how the change is going to impact her loved ones.

I'm going to pray that I'm making this a bigger deal than it is. Military families move. We move all over the nation and we move to new countries. That's a reality. Although the move this time is only a whopping 15 miles away (if that), I'm going to do my best to make sure that my family is comfortable. There are a few things I'm excited about, so it looks like I'll be holding on to those thoughts this next week. I'm pretty proud of our packing progress so far, and I honestly can't wait to get out of boxes! If you guys don't hear from me much next week, give thanks to this move! I'll keep you posted once I have internet up and running in the new house.

** I'm curious. How many moves have you done in one year? two years? Did you notice that your little ones were impacted a great deal? Did they not seem to mind? Share your experiences with me in the comments below or by email! **

Happy Friday all!





♥- Leilani