Thursday, June 25, 2015
Keeping up with my blog has proven to be more difficult than I originally anticipated, but I'm slowly but surely trying to stay on top of the ideas that are fresh in my mind. Since finding out we are expecting baby # 2 so many things have happened to me. Things have changed emotionally, physically, and just my overall energy. Most of the time, I remain overjoyed about this pregnancy. I couldn't be any more thrilled that we conceived, and that we are bringing another life into the world. They are rough days where I succumb to my morning sickness, and those days are harder for me to stay peppy and to keep my mind on the overall joyous creation. When you are vomiting all day long, not keeping anything down, and curled up in a ball on your couch all day... it's really hard to think about much of anything. I've felt like I'm letting myself down, my family down, and even some of the goals I had set out for myself this summer.

I depend on Justin so much more than I ever have with help with Ava bug and help around the house. He's a trooper, and he doesn't complain, but I know it's absolutely exhausting for him to work and then come home and essentially work some more. I know Justin enjoys all the extra time with Ava, but I also know that after a 12 hour work day, he also needs to unwind. I find myself getting extremely emotional and upset that I am physically unable to be this "super mom" for my family right now. Cooking meals has become a rare occasion for me, I think the most I've done in the last month or so is fold laundry, bath Ava bug, and attempt to fully clean out the rooms upstairs. The everyday chores of running a household have proven to be so challenging, and most of the time all I want to do is sleep.

I also feel like I've let Ava down as my patience is running low, and the amount of activities I do with her in a day are also lower. I sometimes find myself relying on select t.v. shows, Justin, and the help of family members when it comes to entertaining her. This is what gets me more upset than anything else. I feel like I'm not being the best mom I can be. I also have had moments where her rare, but obvious two year old behavior gets the best of me, and I have to go sit down and cry it out for a few minutes. Before I go any further, I know it's not entirely my own fault that I am having some serious acute morning sickness. No one could have anticipated this, and we are all rolling with the punches. I still don't see this pregnancy as an excuse to completely check out on my child's growth. Each day I try so much harder than the day before to do something fun with Ava, to teach her something new, and to work on some of the skills she has already established.

This without a doubt is the hardest part of this pregnancy for me. I wanted so badly for things to remain the same for as long as they could before the baby came, but it seems as if life had other plans. As the weeks go on in this pregnancy, some days are better than others. I'm gaining some "feel good" strength back, and I really do try to make the most of it when I have it. Aside from Justin and Ava bug, I took an extended leave from school for the next few weeks. I am so disappointed in myself for not staying on track for graduation, but I am extremely PROUD of myself for knowing when to empty my plate with things that aren't mandatory. Aside from my family, nothing in this world is mandatory for me. Nothing comes before the happiness of my husband and daughter, and that's just how my world turns.

So, as you can see, things haven't been "tip top" around the Howland house at all times. We did take a trip to the coast (blog on this later), and it was so very needed for relaxing and family bonding. We are all adjusting to this pregnant mama's first trimester symptoms, and desperately praying that they subside come trimester number two. For the most part, I know that Ava bug and Justin are enjoying all of the time they have together, and the important aspects of our lives are being addressed and handled. Most of my goals in a day have become so singular, that I see the importance of "taking it easy" and I plan on utilizing it so much more.

Here's a picture of Ava and Justin from the beach. Seems trivial, but that genuine laughter, toes in the sand, and ultimate happiness is what makes my heart completely full, and reminds me that everything is truly going to be alright.

♥- Leilani

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