I really can't believe I'm writing this you guys. Last night was the first time in almost a year and a half that I haven't thoroughly enjoyed nursing my daughter down for bedtime. I was ready to lay her down and she apparently wasn't ready to stop nursing so she sort of bit me in the process. It was in those moments that I finally just thought, this is enough. I do not want to do this anymore. I immediately started crying (of course) because I know what this means. This means that instead of telling myself I have to quit, or using nursing as a crutch to hold off trying to conceive another child, I really have to wean Ava bug. I have to wean her consistently and leave our journey through nursing behind. For those of you who know me personally, or even long time readers of this blog, you know how much breastfeeding has meant to me. I am an advocate for breastfeeding and I always will be. Even if my journey with my future children don't come as easily, I will never not breastfeed if I can control it.

I've blogged about weaning Ava for a couple months now. I've even considered taking less effective ovary stimulants so I didn't have to take nursing away from her. I literally have done everything and said everything other than just really starting the weaning process. This is all ironic for me, seeing as I was that mom that was in complete fear that her breastmilk wouldn't be adequate enough for an infant. I was that mom that set mini goals in fear that I wouldn't achieve the ultimate *one year mark*   that most moms look to for breastfeeding goals. This is all I ever wanted when it came to providing nutrition for Ava, and now here I am telling you guys that nursing isn't the same for me.

I don't feel horrible for saying those words, in fact I kind of feel relieved. I'd been feeling guilty about making this decision without Ava fully being able to comprehend why it has to happen. I felt guilty that my fertility hinders my ability to allow Ava to nurse until she is content with stopping. I'd badgered myself about not being a "good" mom because of the fact that I'm ready to have another baby and not allow my child to set the timeline for these sorts of things. This is a big deal to me. I mean it's a huge deal. I have literally nursed my kid just minutes after she was born and now she's a full blown toddler that runs, and plays, and has her own independence. The benefits that breastmilk has provided is without a doubt unmeasurable. I don't take my ability to make milk for my kid lightly, and I would have the same experiences If I had to do this all over again.

That being said, I plan on having one final photo session to symbolize the end of this journey Ava and I have had. That's the best way I know how to get closure. Everything changes after this. Comforting her will be different. I think that's the biggest shell shock. All of the things I do now, will be the same things that Justin tries. Even though he won't openly share just how excited he is for this, I know he is. Nursing really made my husband feel inadequate at times, and for that I truly feel bad. Justin is an involved parent and adores doing all that I do for our child. I'm excited for the doors that will open because of my decision to stop nursing.

I plan on starting fresh and ready next week. I know, I know.. today probably would be the better start mark, but I just can't. I'm prepping myself emotionally for the changes that are about to come, and keeping my chin up that I have provided liquid gold for the past year and a half (come the 17th). Have any of my readers decided to nurse past the one year mark? When did you decide to wean? Did you have a toddler that weaned themselves? I'd love to hear from you in the comments below or by
email.

This photo was the last picture that was taken of Ava bug nursing. Beach nursing provides complete tranquility.

Happy Wednesday all!

♥- Leilani

Weaning & The Baby Doc

These last couple days Washington has showed it's *true* colors and we've had constant rain and wind. I honestly don't mind it at all because it reminds me of why I love the Pacific Northwest. The rain has also given us a nice little break from the heat. During this time Ava bug and I have had plenty of time for indoor cuddles and games. We've been snuggling together, learning new games together, and even taking trips down to the library to explore new books. As much as i've enjoyed these last couple days, I've also been extremely emotional as well.

A lot of my readers have read some of my posts that talked about weaning, and my feelings about it. I wanted to be that mama that allowed their child to nurse until they were ready to let go...but with being on certain medications for trying to conceive baby # 2, it doesn't look like that's going to happen. It literally breaks my heart in two knowing that I'm going to alter my child's comfort. Breastfeeding has become so much more than nutrition; so much more than bonding; I can't even sit here and write this post tear free, because that's how emotional I am by my decision.

The silver lining in all of this, is that Ava really is weaning herself (I've mentioned this before). Not as quickly as we need her to, but she is. She drinks milk from her big girl cup three times a day, and the only time she really nurses is before any type of sleep, and when she's upset. That gives me hope that this "weaning process" won't be as traumatic as I'm imagining it to be. The biggest challenge for me will be not offering her the breast. I have a really bad habit of that, and I know it isn't helping our situation.

On a lighter note, my first appointment with the endocrinologist is tomorrow, which means you guys will get to see my first fertility vlog with TTC #2! I'm so excited to share this journey with all of my readers, and hopefully the next blog will allow for more information on what our route looks like. I'm trying not to go into this too optimistic, but it's hard. It took one assisted cycle for us to conceive Ava bug, and it'd be amazing if that was the case with our next baby as well. Regardless of how long it takes, we are definitely on board (and ready). We'd definitely appreciate you guys thinking good thoughts for us Howlands though!

Because so much is changing, I decided to give you guys a little throwback Thursday! Well, a then and now. I think it's safe to say that every mama likes a good nursing photo, and I've got tons to share! Here's a comparison with over a year in between.

Then (Photo Cred: VSP)

Now (Photo Cred: JOP) 

Happy Thursday all!

♥- Leilani

One Year

I've been in this "then and now" mood since Ava turned a year old. Everyone knows how much of an advocate I am for breastfeeding, so there's no surprise that I'd share photos like this.  I really can't begin to describe what these images bring to me. I am so grateful for the photographers that were able to capture some of the special moments like this between my daughter and I. The photo on the left was taken the day after Ava was born (photo cred: Victoria Simmons), and the photo on the right was taken just three days before Ava's first birthday (photo cred: Chloe' Ramirez).

There have definitely been hurdles in our nursing journey, but I'm glad that we surpassed them all. It's crazy to me that my child was once that small. Now she' walking, talking, and nursing upside down. My goal for the next year is to become even more involved in the La Leche League in my area. My goal is to continue to reach out to moms-to-be and discuss the real significance of breastfeeding, and help them in any way I can. I have met the prerequisites for becoming a LLL leader, but I'm not entirely sure if I'm ready to embark on such a committed journey quite yet. Hopefully the support I'm giving helps a new mom make a great decision for her child.

Happy Wednesday all!

♥- Leilani

NO time limit

This morning a couple changes have been made in the Howland home. Justin and I have decided to shy away from using the crib until Ava is one year old. A lot of people must be reading this and thinking, "What is wrong with you!" but this is what is going to work best for our family. Ava has been co-slept since she was five months old, and while it was suppose to be a temporary switch, it has definitely become something permanent. It kind of hit me last night when I put Ava bug down for bed. It's seldom that Ava cries at bedtime, but I heard her kind of sniffing in her sleep. All I had to do was cuddle her next to me, and she just instantly stopped. All my baby really longs for is security. I can give that to her. If that means sacrificing bed space, then I will. A lot of people have asked about "intimacy" with my husband. What happens to that? Justin and I have no issues in that department. When you have kids your entire intimacy dynamic has to be shifted. You can't just do whatever you'd like, whenever. That being said, we have found ways that work for us. It has actually forced us to be more creative, and I absolutely love this aspect of things.

Another change I decided to make regards to nursing. I am not going to stop nursing when Ava is a year. I do plan on giving her whole milk, and other juices, but I will not stop nursing. This has been such a huge ordeal for me. I don't know why it's become so huge, but it is. Nursing is so much more than nutrition. It's so much more than just bonding. I don't expect to be nursing my three year old (who knows, maybe) but I do know that you can't put a time limit on nursing. It's my daughter's comfort and I will not take that away from her. I can't tell you the boost of confidence and " I am woman" demeanor I have received because of nursing. It's an amazing experience and I'm so glad I've been able to nurse this long. I got an email not too long ago asking about Ava biting me. I have had one incident where Ava bit me, but now we are golden. I read a book (can't think of the title at the moment, but if you want to know, email me and I'll look it up) and it went through the steps of correcting "the bite" you sometimes get when babies get teeth. It was a super easy process and I encourage mama's to not allow "the bite" to sway your decision for nursing longer.

I'm really happy and content with the decisions I have made. Each parent has their own way of doing things, and this way is the way that works best for my family.

This picture was taken during Ava's first 48 hours of life. 

Happy Friday all!

   ♥- Leilani

A day out

Can I just say, as a new mom, how appreciative I am of the establishments that have baby- friendly tools for parents to utilize. Until becoming a parent, I didn't realize how inconvenient a lot of things were. I'm sure as Ava gets older the list will get longer... or hopefully more establishments will become accommodating.  In my last post I mentioned some of the challenges I had with exclusively breastfeeding. Today I went completely out of my comfort zone with my three week old. I was shopping with my husband, Ava started getting fussy, and I knew she needed to be nursed. I asked Justin to pass me my cover, and sure enough I just grabbed Ava, stuck her under my cover, and allowed her to go to town!

The first few seconds I was nervous. People were looking, Justin was red in the face, but I just kept reminding myself, I am not violating anyone or anything. There is nothing vulgar about feeding my baby. The nerves pretty much went away for both Justin and I. Allowing myself to be that "opened" in a public setting was not something I was comfortable with. I'm glad I am on my way to overcoming that feeling entirely. A couple things I appreciated on our day out (aside from being able to openly nurse) were:

A nursing room is located in the mall that we shop at frequently. It was such a spacious room. Justin was able to sit in the rocking chair with Ava (once I was finished nursing her) while I packed up her dirty cloth diapers. Usually our mall trips last a few hours, so I came back to this room every hour and a half to nurse our daughter.

These secure baby seats! We topped off our night with dinner at The Olive Garden  and immediately after seeing that we had an infant, the hostess asked us if we'd like a baby seat. I'm sure a lot of restaurants have them, but I've only gone to two restaurants that have actually offered them. I was able to keep my sprout close to me while I ate, I could have nursed her if need be, and she didn't have to sit on the table. The baby seat came with straps on each side to secure your infant in. 

I know I'm brand new to the parenting world, but I'm quickly noticing how much easier things are when there are child friendly tools around to help out.