Nursing isn't the same

Wednesday, November 12, 2014
I really can't believe I'm writing this you guys. Last night was the first time in almost a year and a half that I haven't thoroughly enjoyed nursing my daughter down for bedtime. I was ready to lay her down and she apparently wasn't ready to stop nursing so she sort of bit me in the process. It was in those moments that I finally just thought, this is enough. I do not want to do this anymore. I immediately started crying (of course) because I know what this means. This means that instead of telling myself I have to quit, or using nursing as a crutch to hold off trying to conceive another child, I really have to wean Ava bug. I have to wean her consistently and leave our journey through nursing behind. For those of you who know me personally, or even long time readers of this blog, you know how much breastfeeding has meant to me. I am an advocate for breastfeeding and I always will be. Even if my journey with my future children don't come as easily, I will never not breastfeed if I can control it.

I've blogged about weaning Ava for a couple months now. I've even considered taking less effective ovary stimulants so I didn't have to take nursing away from her. I literally have done everything and said everything other than just really starting the weaning process. This is all ironic for me, seeing as I was that mom that was in complete fear that her breastmilk wouldn't be adequate enough for an infant. I was that mom that set mini goals in fear that I wouldn't achieve the ultimate *one year mark*   that most moms look to for breastfeeding goals. This is all I ever wanted when it came to providing nutrition for Ava, and now here I am telling you guys that nursing isn't the same for me.

I don't feel horrible for saying those words, in fact I kind of feel relieved. I'd been feeling guilty about making this decision without Ava fully being able to comprehend why it has to happen. I felt guilty that my fertility hinders my ability to allow Ava to nurse until she is content with stopping. I'd badgered myself about not being a "good" mom because of the fact that I'm ready to have another baby and not allow my child to set the timeline for these sorts of things. This is a big deal to me. I mean it's a huge deal. I have literally nursed my kid just minutes after she was born and now she's a full blown toddler that runs, and plays, and has her own independence. The benefits that breastmilk has provided is without a doubt unmeasurable. I don't take my ability to make milk for my kid lightly, and I would have the same experiences If I had to do this all over again.

That being said, I plan on having one final photo session to symbolize the end of this journey Ava and I have had. That's the best way I know how to get closure. Everything changes after this. Comforting her will be different. I think that's the biggest shell shock. All of the things I do now, will be the same things that Justin tries. Even though he won't openly share just how excited he is for this, I know he is. Nursing really made my husband feel inadequate at times, and for that I truly feel bad. Justin is an involved parent and adores doing all that I do for our child. I'm excited for the doors that will open because of my decision to stop nursing.

I plan on starting fresh and ready next week. I know, I know.. today probably would be the better start mark, but I just can't. I'm prepping myself emotionally for the changes that are about to come, and keeping my chin up that I have provided liquid gold for the past year and a half (come the 17th). Have any of my readers decided to nurse past the one year mark? When did you decide to wean? Did you have a toddler that weaned themselves? I'd love to hear from you in the comments below or by

This photo was the last picture that was taken of Ava bug nursing. Beach nursing provides complete tranquility.

Happy Wednesday all!

♥- Leilani

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