Pregnancy after loss

Monday, July 13, 2015
I don't think I've spent a whole lot of time talking about the baby Justin and I lost in March 2011, and that's simply because the road to healing/recovery was one that we decided to keep private. If it's something you've never experienced (I pray none of my readers ever have to), it can be traumatic and life altering to say the least. After losing a baby, and becoming pregnant with Ava almost 1.5 years later... I was worried about everything. I didn't enjoy my pregnancy as much as I should have (in the beginning), because I was always scared. I was scared of losing my baby, I was scared that my body couldn't keep a baby safe, and every cramp or tinge of pain... I immediately thought the worst. I can't tell you how many trips I made to the E.R. because I needed reassurance that Ava was okay. That's also the reason I purchased a fetal doppler. I wanted to be able to hear her heart beating, and know that all was well inside my womb.

Things got better once I hit 20 weeks in my pregnancy. I finally started purchasing big baby items, I embraced my growing belly, and I talked to Ava without feeling like I was going to lose her. Each week, my feelings of fear would diminish a bit more, and once we hit 24 weeks, I felt an overwhelming sense of calm as that meant viability. I loved every moment of my pregnancy with Ava, and looking back there isn't one thing I would have changed... other than the amount of time I spent worrying. Let's fast forward two years and nine months and here I am pregnant with baby # 2. I will be 13 weeks pregnant tomorrow, I can tell (already) that this pregnancy is so much different than my pregnancy with Ava.

I'm not even referring to the symptoms, but more my emotions. While I did announce my pregnancy sooner with Ava, I have been less fearful early on this time around. I smile, I laugh, I talk about this baby all the time. I have gotten more ultrasounds than most, for my own reassurance, but that's been okay with me. I'm taking baby steps in the right direction and that's all I wanted. I wake up and instead of worrying about every tinge of pain or cramp, I roll with it. I talk to my baby and love on my belly SO much. This energy has in turn rubbed off on my daughter, because Ava loves on my belly more than anyone in this house.

I've been feeling so good about this pregnancy early on, that yesterday I purchased my first baby item. I bought hooded terry cloth (gender neutral colored) towels. Granted, the purchase wasn't very big, but it made me smile that I even thought to grab something for our little miracle bean. I'm still early enough to where strangers can't tell we're expecting, but I have found myself talking to random strangers about my pregnancy (something I never did with my pregnancy with Ava). I guess the point of this blog was to show how much I've grown after my loss. I never thought I'd be able to successfully carry a child after my loss, and here I am now.. with baby # 2. I feel more confident in my body, my faith, and my mindset. Loss is something that never goes away, but all you can do is grow from it. you realize how precious pregnancy is, and how amazing it is to hold the baby you've carried in your arms.

The love I have for my kids comes from somewhere deep and pure. I will never take them for granted, I will never take pregnancy for granted. So many good things have happened since our loss, and rather than allowing the thought of how we got here to cripple me today, I have healed. So while those towels I bought seems so trivial and even silly, it was an indication that this mama is healed. This mama is moving forward and enjoying this pregnancy.

Big sister giving baby some morning lovin'

Happy Monday all!

♥- Leilani

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