So, it finally happened. That dreaded feeling I was waiting for throughout this fertility process. That sinking feeling when you think about what you are going to do, or how you are going to feel if your cycle is unsuccessful. I keep telling myself that it'll be okay, I have a "plan b" to keep myself occupied in the next couple months if I'm not pregnant.. truth is, I don't want a plan b. I want a plan a. I never really realized how much I wanted a second baby until I finally loosened up the reigns with my first baby. I never realized how amazing it truly feels to have this supportive papa bear along for this journey that is completely passionate about being a father. I also never really realized how my small jokes about creating a baseball team was semi true. I want a large family. I want more babies. I want this baby. I want my chase for Howl baby # 2 to be successful. That is what I've been calling our experience lately. Chasing. I feel like with this "trying to conceive" journey we are literally running after this next baby. For so many selfless reasons and a bucket full of selfish ones. I look back on this past summer and I don't know where my mind was. I guess it was a good thing we weren't trying for a baby back then (considering), but I'm shocked it really took this long for me to realize that I'd like to be a mama to another sweet child right now.

Justin and I started reading parenting books again.. we started talking about birthing plans again, and we started trying to figure out what kind of birth we'd like to try with this next one... All of this talk is fun, naive, and scary. Scary because we truly don't know if these next few months will allow for this type of talk. We don't know if picking out names is necessary or looking at cute baby clothes. The unknown is such a scary feeling and I'm trying my hardest not to succumb to all of the things we don't know. I have found the silver linings in our journey and I hold them dear to me at all times. They remind me that not everything associated with fertility is uncertain. I feel happiness knowing that the medication is working this time and I've got my fingers crossed that tomorrow's ultrasound will show growing follicles that are ready to be released sometime in the next week. I remember going to that ultrasound when we were trying for Ava bug.. so many follicles. So many potential children.. It's both weird and fascinating to be able to experience that. You are literally looking at your future kids.

I'm not sure if I shared this with you guys, but we opted NOT to sign that little paper that says if you have multiples you'd like to have a "selective choice" surgery. Basically, you'd be getting rid of some of the fertilized eggs. Five kids, four kids, two? Whatever happens, we are ready. We knew what this process could potentially bring us, and we are ready. I am so ready. For the past two weeks this has been the bulk of the discussion in this home. Heck, even Ava has caught on which is why she's been toting her baby around EVERYWHERE lately. I wanted to write this out mainly for me, but also for others. Especially if you are trying to conceive right now. Some of these moments leave us in a dark place. Sometimes they leave us feeling extremely sad or overwhelmed. My message to you would be to hold on. Find support and don't be afraid to admit when you're scared. These situations aren't easy and talking about it can sometimes make it a little easier to bare.

That being said, good thoughts, good vibes, and prayers are all welcomed for our family right now. I'm praying so hard that our journey to this next baby starts from this cycle!

Happy Sunday all!

♥- Leilani

Three days in

Yesterday night was my third round of follistim injections, and it seems as if my body is a little more sensitive to the drug this time around. This would also be the reason why I haven't shared any vlogs or daily updates like I thought I would. Hopefully in the days to come I feel a little better than I do now. Honestly, the worst of it is probably the sting after the injection and the fatigue that follows. I'm not one to normally need a bucket load of sleep to function, but these past few days I have felt like I am running on E. We have been running around a lot so I'm sure that also has something to do with it. Washington has given us the last three days filled with sunshine and relatively warm weather so we have taken full advantage of that. Justin busted out the grill last night and made us the most delicious meal. Even Ava bug (who is notoriously picky) chowed down on daddy's good grilled chicken. Last night was also pretty rough because Ava bug got her first real goose egg.

I was filling up Cooper's water bowl with a cereal bowl and she ran past me as I was turning.. Can you guess what happened next? Yep, you guessed it, she ran right into the bowl. I heard the clinking noise but I hadn't realized the bowl hit her head until a few seconds later. She cried for less than a minute, but this mama cried for so much longer. I hate when my girl gets hurt because of me. I was feeling absolutely terrible and the lump on her head is just so big. I comforted, monitored, and prayed on my sweet bug this evening. I'm hoping the swelling goes down a lot over night, so I don't end up dragging her into her pediatric doctor.

I will say through all of this my husband has been a real trooper with everything. He's been making me feel as comfortable as possible through the injections, fatigue, and even our little incident last night with Ava bug's goose bump. He sterilizes and injects the injections, makes sure that I'm all cleaned up after, and he's even been making midnight runs whenever I need something that I forgot to pick up during the day. It makes me feel so incredibly good knowing that Justin does well with his girls being needy. I'm not sure what I'm going to be like in another pregnancy, so I know he's getting prepped early. The other night I started busting out into tears because he refused to take a drink of my water... not really sure why or how that came about, but nonetheless it was so irrational on my part.

Monday morning I go in for my first blood draw and ultrasound to see where my eggs are measuring. Five days will have passed since I took my first injection of follistim. I'm hoping that these low doses are making them grow! I had this thought while I was bathing Ava bug that I totally wouldn't mind having twins the next go round. I came to this conclusion for more than a few reasons, so if that were to occur, I would be ecstatic! Other than ALL of this, I have my second family photo session coming up today! I'm super excited because I definitely decided to take the leap and build up a portfolio of the work I've done. Although I know I don't want to do photography professionally, growth is equally as important. Well, I'm off for now! Ava is down for the count and this mama needs some quality snuggles with her main man!

Happy Valentine's day all!

♥- Leilani