I'm scared

Sunday, February 22, 2015
So, it finally happened. That dreaded feeling I was waiting for throughout this fertility process. That sinking feeling when you think about what you are going to do, or how you are going to feel if your cycle is unsuccessful. I keep telling myself that it'll be okay, I have a "plan b" to keep myself occupied in the next couple months if I'm not pregnant.. truth is, I don't want a plan b. I want a plan a. I never really realized how much I wanted a second baby until I finally loosened up the reigns with my first baby. I never realized how amazing it truly feels to have this supportive papa bear along for this journey that is completely passionate about being a father. I also never really realized how my small jokes about creating a baseball team was semi true. I want a large family. I want more babies. I want this baby. I want my chase for Howl baby # 2 to be successful. That is what I've been calling our experience lately. Chasing. I feel like with this "trying to conceive" journey we are literally running after this next baby. For so many selfless reasons and a bucket full of selfish ones. I look back on this past summer and I don't know where my mind was. I guess it was a good thing we weren't trying for a baby back then (considering), but I'm shocked it really took this long for me to realize that I'd like to be a mama to another sweet child right now.

Justin and I started reading parenting books again.. we started talking about birthing plans again, and we started trying to figure out what kind of birth we'd like to try with this next one... All of this talk is fun, naive, and scary. Scary because we truly don't know if these next few months will allow for this type of talk. We don't know if picking out names is necessary or looking at cute baby clothes. The unknown is such a scary feeling and I'm trying my hardest not to succumb to all of the things we don't know. I have found the silver linings in our journey and I hold them dear to me at all times. They remind me that not everything associated with fertility is uncertain. I feel happiness knowing that the medication is working this time and I've got my fingers crossed that tomorrow's ultrasound will show growing follicles that are ready to be released sometime in the next week. I remember going to that ultrasound when we were trying for Ava bug.. so many follicles. So many potential children.. It's both weird and fascinating to be able to experience that. You are literally looking at your future kids.

I'm not sure if I shared this with you guys, but we opted NOT to sign that little paper that says if you have multiples you'd like to have a "selective choice" surgery. Basically, you'd be getting rid of some of the fertilized eggs. Five kids, four kids, two? Whatever happens, we are ready. We knew what this process could potentially bring us, and we are ready. I am so ready. For the past two weeks this has been the bulk of the discussion in this home. Heck, even Ava has caught on which is why she's been toting her baby around EVERYWHERE lately. I wanted to write this out mainly for me, but also for others. Especially if you are trying to conceive right now. Some of these moments leave us in a dark place. Sometimes they leave us feeling extremely sad or overwhelmed. My message to you would be to hold on. Find support and don't be afraid to admit when you're scared. These situations aren't easy and talking about it can sometimes make it a little easier to bare.

That being said, good thoughts, good vibes, and prayers are all welcomed for our family right now. I'm praying so hard that our journey to this next baby starts from this cycle!

Happy Sunday all!

♥- Leilani

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