So, as you probably assumed by the title of this blog, I am NOT pregnant. I took my third pregnancy test of the week this morning, and it was negative (as were the other two). Surprisingly, I'm not disappointed either. I mean, I was a little bummed, but this week gave me a lot of time to process that this cycle was our first bust. I started bleeding two days ago, and although it wasn't heavy, it was still present. I was immediately crushed because I knew then, there was no baby. The weird thing is, the blood was really light. Like so light, I probably could have gotten away with wearing a panty liner. I thought it might have been implantation bleeding, but it was too late in a cycle for it to be that. I was still cramping and having a few pregnancy symptoms. I thought it could have been from the HCG still in my system though. I also took my first test on Wednesday? It was a clear negative then but my doctor's office told me I was testing too early. Which was true. But, I just knew something was off. So here was my thinking process:

- When we were "baby dancing" I had the stomach flu. I wasn't intaking fluids, I was ill. I wasn't hopeful during those days.

- I found out that I took the wrong dose of the trigger shot this week. My doctor's office caught that error when we were going over doses that I had taken this cycle. I took about 1/3 of the amount I was suppose to have to trigger and release my follicles.

- We rushed it. We were on a time limit because Justin was leaving. I could have given myself a few more days to slowly grow follicles, and who knows.. maybe we would have caught that I wasn't taking the correct dose of ovidrel?

At the end of the day, so many great things came from this cycle. Weaning Ava, getting in the trying to conceive attitude, and finding an amazing reproductive clinic to assist us. I'm not emotional like I thought I would be. When I started bleeding that was when I got that surreal, sad feeling. You know what immediately diminished those feelings? Grabbing my toddler from her bed and holding her. The truth is, no matter what happens in our fertility journey moving forward, we always have our Ava bug. She is living proof that my body can do amazing, wonderful things. In those moments, I felt no loss at all. I felt full. Justin is doing okay with the news too. I think we were both just really hopeful, but with all the contingencies that popped up, we understand why this cycle more than likely didn't take. The follicles were there, I was in good shape, but everything does happen in due time.

We plan on trying again once he's home, and I'm hopeful that the next cycle will be the "one" that takes. I'm so proud of myself for being in good spirits and allowing myself to not look at this cycle as a loss. Perfect, healthy couples don't conceive each month they try. Sometimes these things happen, and you have to be okay with it. I think it'd consume me if it wasn't. I'm currently trying to figure out if I should travel with Ava bug since the pregnancy is a no go this month, or stay at home and just enjoy my little girl until her daddy gets home. I haven't made a final decision, but I plan on doing that by the end of the day.

Thank you to everyone that stood by us during this journey. I appreciate you all more than I express. I'm hoping to share our next cycle with you guys, so stay tuned for May! Should be a great month for us Howlands! Especially Ava bug.. She turns two!

Happy Saturday all! If you are a Washingtonian, I hope you've got your rain gear handy!

♥- Leilani

Symptoms?

This two week window is absolutely killing me. I've got exactly five days to go and I am seriously fighting the urge to take a test today. I did stop myself for one of two reasons: The ovidrel (HCG) shot is probably still in my system, which would ultimately give me a false positive.. and two, I really am trying to show some self control in this two week window. I waited the full two weeks when we found out we had conceived Ava bug, and I am trying really hard to do the same with this cycle. Since I'm waiting, I thought I'd list out some of the things I've been feeling for the past week. I noticed just a couple days after I took the trigger shot that I had extreme cramping. I really chalked that up to ovulation, as I only felt it on my left side (larger follicle was there). Since then, I've felt dull cramping and I've been a bit fatigued. Normally, It's not an issue for me to stay awake into the wee hours of the night, but the last few days I haven't been able to keep my eyes open. In fact, the night I was helping Justin study for the board, I literally fell asleep on the couch. That never happens to me. I don't get tired like that unless I'm well.. pregnant. I don't want to jinx anything, but a cramping and a tired Leilani are both good signs in my book. Also, (this is a little TMI) When I used the bathroom Saturday I noticed a blood smear on the toilet seat. I thought it was completely odd since I definitely know I'm not due for a menstrual.

I totally forgot about implantation bleeding, probably because I never really saw it with Ava bug.. I don't know if it could be from that, but it was a brighter red and I only saw a smudge of it. When I finished wiping, I noticed there was no other signs of blood.. I double checked the tissue paper to ensure that my crazy baby fever mind was not playing tricks on me. If I didn't feel as if it were super gross and inappropriate, I would totally post a photo of it... Also, I've been super sensitive to smells. Strong perfume makes me nauseous.. also, I purchased a bag from target this past weekend... I literally had to return it because the bag carried a heavy, nasty odor. I asked the rep at customer service if she could smell it.. she said no! Woah.. Keen sense of smell? Another pregnancy sign for me (usually). Again, I'm not trying to jinx myself, but I'm noticing all these changes in just less than two weeks.

So far, that's all that's happened. I'm currently on a smoothie/juicing kick as of late. Certain foods just aren't sitting well with me. I'm not complaining about all the hidden kale I've consumed! The weather has been beautiful the past couple weeks, so Ava and I have spent a lot of time outdoors. We went down by the water, glamified our backyard with dirt, and I think today is going to call for a park day. The fresh air definitely helps with the nauseous feeling I've had. For those of my readers that have been pregnant or are currently pregnant.. what kind of symptoms did you notice in your two week window? Did you have a "tell" that happened in your pregnancy? I'd love to hear all your pregnancy stories, thoughts, and symptoms in the comments below or by email. If you are in the Pacific Northwest, I hope you are spending your day outdoors enjoying this beautiful sunshine.

Happy Monday all!

♥- Leilani

The waiting game

I am exactly 9 days away from finding out if our assisted fertility cycle worked, and needless to say I am so impatient about it all. I've been cramping on and off the last few days and I definitely felt myself ovulate, which is a good sign. I'm a little nervous because I was sick during our baby dancing days and I wasn't staying as hydrated as I should have... I'm hoping I didn't ruin our chances though. Either way, I'll be finding out pretty soon here. I've got to admit this experience wasn't nearly as nerve wrecking as our first. Everything went so smoothly and I still can't begin to explain how amazing it felt to have our clinic within minutes of our home. In other news, Justin went to the board yesterday to ultimately obtain his recommended status for promotion AND he got it! I can't even sit still while writing this because i am just that excited for him. For future promotions, he will never have to go to a board again and I'm sure that's a nice little bonus for him. I'm so darn proud of my husband you guys. Good leaders are a dime a dozen, so I'm glad his skills and attributions are recognized within this battalion.

With his recommendation comes schools, which I absolutely dread. You'll have to forgive me if I become a little sappy on here. I don't do all that well without my best friend by my side, so Ava bug and I have some sad days ahead of us. The upside to this situation is spending more time with family and friends. The weather has been super nice and we will definitely be taking full advantage of that while we can. Here lately we've been talking about Justin's reenlistment window and where he'd like to go. His window opens in May, which is just two months away! At first, we discussed Fort Carson A LOT, but now he's leaning more towards Fort Benning.. back in Georgia. I cringe at the thought of moving back to Georgia, but I know it would be in the best interest of his career. He'd more than likely be in a non-deployable unit, and all the schools he'd ever need would be right there at that installation... yes, so he wouldn't have to leave us for weeks at a time to attend a school. We will also be a little more than 14 hours away from his family in New York. I could definitely see us driving to New York during block leave each year, and Ava bug and I taking spontaneous trips throughout the year.

All of those things definitely outweigh anything we could enjoy at Carson.. except for the Broncos. I truly believe being close to "our blue and orange people" would be an amazing experience for our family. We do have quite a few friends at Benning, so we wouldn't be completely anti-social, which is nice. And I wouldn't complain about the cost of living or how HUGE our house would be out there. I'd miss my family terribly though, and I'd feel extremely bad about moving Ava bug away from her grandparents. We've definitely still got a lot to discuss. This change could take place next year.. or maybe the year after. You never know with these types of things. I'm just glad that Justin and I talk about them. We remain on the same page which makes communication so much easier. Well, I think I'm off guys. A little TLC is in order so I think I'm going to take Ava bug and myself out for a pedicure.

Happy Thursday all!


♥- Leilani

Trigger day! (late post)

I went in for my second follicle scan Wednesday morning, and everything looked great. My main follicle on my left ovary measured at 19.2mm (ish) and the follicle growing on my right ovary measured at 14mm. My doctor was pleased with where the follicle growth was, and didn't require me to get a blood test (not mad about that at all) to measure my estradiol levels. We also got the okay to take our HCG trigger shot Thursday night and we were over the moon, crazy excited about it. Wednesday night was my last time taking follistim shots for this cycle and that brought on some bitter sweet feelings. These last two weeks have been emotional, exciting, and I'm just ready for March to come around so we can see if we've conceived or not.

* That was initially written on Wednesday, prior to me getting the stomach bug* Thursday morning I woke up with terrible stomach pain and I was completely nauseated and weak. I could barely get out of bed let alone take care of Ava bug, safely. I'm not really sure what has hit me, but it's been a long three days you guys. Thankfully, Justin got off early enough that day to care for me and take care of Ava. I spent most of Thursday, asleep. The rest definitely helped, and I did take my trigger shot Thursday night. It burned a little.. and to be honest, getting a shot was the last thing I wanted to do while feeling so sick.. but I am determined to make this cycle count. I woke up Friday morning around 5:30 a.m. and I could definitely tell I was feeling far better than the day before. I was able to drink and move without serious stomach pain, but I was definitely weak and groggy from not eating at all on Thursday. I tried to drink and eat a little bit at a time and that really seemed to work. A word to the wise, pepto bismol is not your friend.. I know, I know.. this may be effective for some people, but definitely not for me.

Not only are my stools black and gross, but so is my tongue. The chalky, bitter taste is most definitely not worth it. I normally tried to mend things naturally, but I have been utilizing tums quite a bit. I called one of the nurses at the fertility clinic and they informed me that this will not impact our cycle in a negative way. She reminded to stay hydrated, eat bland foods, and to take it easy for the next few days. I tried to eat the dinner Justin cooked Friday night.. that was such a no go! I immediately started having stomach pains again. I could not believe it. Friday and today are our baby dancing days.. you could image how that's been going... To top it off, Ava bug woke up at three in the morning... throwing up! She threw up at least a couple different times in less than two hours. She was burning up and that was my "mama instinct" telling me to take her to the E.R. All the while her demeanor never changed, but when we got there, we were informed that her temperature was 100.6. Definitely in fever range! The good news is, she seems to be doing fine. They gave us zofran for her vomiting spell and instructed us to give tylenol.

**UPDATE** She went over 24 hours with zero puking and now we are convinced she also has the stomach bug like her mama.





♥- Leilani

Good news!

So it looks like some of my fears were let go yesterday morning and I couldn't be more relieved about that! I woke up completely nervous with the stomach knots and all. when I first got to my appointment I wasn't feeling like overly hopeful, but I was still anticipating at least one good follicle. I got my blood drawn first and then they quickly took me back to one of the ultrasound rooms. Waiting for the nurse to come in was the worst. I was almost shaky at that point. We have a very small window for success here because Justin leaves so soon for school. I really think that's why I'm feeling even more anxious about this assisted cycle. I needed my ovaries to get it together now, because later isn't an option. The nurse checked my right ovary first.. this is the easiest ovary to find. There was a distinct, but small follicle growing. It measured about 12.5 (ish) mm. I was pleased that there was a follicle, but disappointed that it wasn't bigger. I held on to hope because I knew that my left one always delivered. The left side is the side I'm pretty sure Ava bug came from... Yeah, it's weird that I know that.

The left side took a good two minutes to try and find. The nurse tech actually went over previous images that my reproductive endocrinologist took just to find it. For all the ladies that have had transvaginal ultrasounds... we are troopers! It honestly felt like she was deep sea diving with the ultrasound wand. SO. MUCH. PRESSURE. When Ruby (the nurse) finally found my left ovary, it was worth the pain. There, in the middle of the screen was a big, juicy, follicle. It measured at 16.5mm and I was ecstatic. The goal with these assisted follistim cycles is to get at least 1-2 mature follicles. While the 12.5er is still small, these follicles grow 2mm per day. That means, in another day that 12.5er will be the same size as the one on my left ovary, and the one on my left ovary will be at 20.5 (ish) and that's the goal size. 20 mm is the magic number. In the next moments so much stress, fear, and emotion were just released. I was so happy and I didn't want to leave without having that big follicle printed out. After the nurse printed a copy for me, I immediately called Justin. I just couldn't believe it. That appointment verified that we really do have a fighting chance with this cycle.

Here's a glance at the budding follicle.. I am so geeked over this potential baby!

I have another appointment tomorrow to see where my follicles are at and to measure their growth. I'm praying we get to trigger shot this week. My estradiol levels looked really good yesterday. They jumped from 65.5 on Thursday to 114 on Monday. I believe the magic number with that is 200. I wanted to give a quick shout out to some of my prayer warriors! I know you've heard me say this before, but I have such an amazing group of people supporting my family. The messages, the calls, the emails.. you guys, seriously.. It's more than I could have every imagined. I don't think Justin and I would be able to handle this emotional experience as gracefully without all the love we receive. It truly does make a difference in our lives. 

I took a video from yesterday's appointment and I plan on taking a video during my appointment tomorrow, so stay tuned for that! Documenting this journey has been everything I have hoped for and more. Fingers crossed we get good news tomorrow and we'll be able to get to work at trying to conceive this second babe of ours. 

Happy Tuesday all! 

♥- Leilani

I'm scared

So, it finally happened. That dreaded feeling I was waiting for throughout this fertility process. That sinking feeling when you think about what you are going to do, or how you are going to feel if your cycle is unsuccessful. I keep telling myself that it'll be okay, I have a "plan b" to keep myself occupied in the next couple months if I'm not pregnant.. truth is, I don't want a plan b. I want a plan a. I never really realized how much I wanted a second baby until I finally loosened up the reigns with my first baby. I never realized how amazing it truly feels to have this supportive papa bear along for this journey that is completely passionate about being a father. I also never really realized how my small jokes about creating a baseball team was semi true. I want a large family. I want more babies. I want this baby. I want my chase for Howl baby # 2 to be successful. That is what I've been calling our experience lately. Chasing. I feel like with this "trying to conceive" journey we are literally running after this next baby. For so many selfless reasons and a bucket full of selfish ones. I look back on this past summer and I don't know where my mind was. I guess it was a good thing we weren't trying for a baby back then (considering), but I'm shocked it really took this long for me to realize that I'd like to be a mama to another sweet child right now.

Justin and I started reading parenting books again.. we started talking about birthing plans again, and we started trying to figure out what kind of birth we'd like to try with this next one... All of this talk is fun, naive, and scary. Scary because we truly don't know if these next few months will allow for this type of talk. We don't know if picking out names is necessary or looking at cute baby clothes. The unknown is such a scary feeling and I'm trying my hardest not to succumb to all of the things we don't know. I have found the silver linings in our journey and I hold them dear to me at all times. They remind me that not everything associated with fertility is uncertain. I feel happiness knowing that the medication is working this time and I've got my fingers crossed that tomorrow's ultrasound will show growing follicles that are ready to be released sometime in the next week. I remember going to that ultrasound when we were trying for Ava bug.. so many follicles. So many potential children.. It's both weird and fascinating to be able to experience that. You are literally looking at your future kids.

I'm not sure if I shared this with you guys, but we opted NOT to sign that little paper that says if you have multiples you'd like to have a "selective choice" surgery. Basically, you'd be getting rid of some of the fertilized eggs. Five kids, four kids, two? Whatever happens, we are ready. We knew what this process could potentially bring us, and we are ready. I am so ready. For the past two weeks this has been the bulk of the discussion in this home. Heck, even Ava has caught on which is why she's been toting her baby around EVERYWHERE lately. I wanted to write this out mainly for me, but also for others. Especially if you are trying to conceive right now. Some of these moments leave us in a dark place. Sometimes they leave us feeling extremely sad or overwhelmed. My message to you would be to hold on. Find support and don't be afraid to admit when you're scared. These situations aren't easy and talking about it can sometimes make it a little easier to bare.

That being said, good thoughts, good vibes, and prayers are all welcomed for our family right now. I'm praying so hard that our journey to this next baby starts from this cycle!

Happy Sunday all!

♥- Leilani

Baby dust, please?

So, I went in for my second blood draw to check my estrogen levels this morning... Good news! My levels are steadily increasing and our reproductive endocrinologist is keeping me at my current dose to prevent over stimulation. My next appointment is Monday, and I am going in for an ultrasound and blood work to check my estrogen levels yet again. I've had two blood draws since I started taking the follistim drug, and Monday will be my first actual ultrasound where I get to see my potential babies AKA follicles. I couldn't be more excited or more nervous. Justin leaves pretty soon, so this is truly crunch time for us. In preparation of being able to take my trigger shot (HCG) I am purchasing an ovulation kit and pregnancy tests.

 I keep thinking back on these very events when we were trying to conceive Ava bug, and I can't help but smile and have these extreme butterflies. Infertility is scary at times, but keeping your head high and your attitude positive makes a world of difference. I am currently on stimulation day nine and I have to say this last week has flown by so quickly. I have appreciated my husband and our daughter for their patience and kindness this past week. I have been nothing short of emotional since I started my medication and sometimes that's not easy to deal with. I've been cramping a lot more since they increased my follistim dosage on Monday, but other than that and the tiredness I haven't had any major side effects.

I am completely blown away by how great our reproductive clinic is as well as the pharmacy that they utilize for medication. Customer service has been amazing and I couldn't be more blessed to have such a sufficient staff taking care of us this time around. Not that our previous reproductive center was awful, I'm just bias when it comes to care in the Pacific Northwest. Justin and I came to a conclusion on potential names for baby Howland # 2... those names are:

It took us a while to secure names, but these names both feel so right. We were originally going to go with Delilah.. but we'd hate for people to inevitably give her the nickname of Lilah when that wouldn't be her name. Justin was also really stuck on a junior for awhile, but that was short lived. Even though we don't know if this cycle will take or not, it's been so fun to do the baby shopping, names, etc with Justin. This is exactly what we did prior to conceiving Ava bug and it was all worth it. 

Staying connected with my husband has proven to be the most important aspect of this entire journey. I'm not quite sure I'd have the encouragement I needed to kick infertility's butt if not for him. So here's the shout out that is much deserved. Justin, you are without a doubt an absolute rock star and I love you to pieces. The daily injections, the nightly foot rubs, and the constant irrational tears from me that you have to deal with.. seriously, I struck gold with you my love! 

So, there it is guys. I'm so grateful for all of those who are following our journey. My readers mean so much to me, and the support you give is just incredible. That being said, baby dust our way is definitely welcomed! Stay tuned for a video of our ultrasound next Monday, and an update on where we go after Monday. 

Happy Thursday all!  

♥- Leilani

Injections

My baseline appointment went excellent yesterday! My uterus is in good shape and my ovaries are free of cysts! I haven't been in a situation that left me otherwise, so I wasn't really surprised. My reproductive doctor gave me the okay to start the follistim injections (ovary stimulator), and the RN on staff gave me all the information I needed in order to start today. I will be taking small doses over a 10-14 day period, and then (God willing) we will get one or two big follicles that we can then release with the HCG trigger shot. I was a little stressed yesterday because working with infertility specialists means you will be dealing with finance and your insurance company quite a bit. The medication I needed is coming from Oregon and before the pharmacy could even send it out, they needed a preauthorization from my nurse...Something about codes needed in order to verify that my insurance company would be paying for a majority of the drugs I'm using. I was so frustrated with the entire situation that I seriously called to pay out of pocket util the preauthorization was dealt with, just so we wouldn't have a delay in treatment. Turns out all I needed was a little patience! It did take 2.5 hours, but luckily the company that picks up ground shipping was late yesterday, so my medicine will definitely be here at some point this afternoon.

This is the part of conceiving Ava bug that I remember most vividly. The shots aren't actually as bad as some people think, and after the first couple days it just becomes the routine. The one thing I've noticed off the bat that's different about this experience is the amount of times I'll be going into the office for my follicle growth to be checked. With this clinic, I will go six days without having my growth measured. In Georgia, I was going in every two days to measure the growth of my follicles. I'm not too worried about the change, and on the upside our clinic is literally ten minutes away from our home. I plan on vlogging pretty regularly as I take these injections and I go in for my growth measurements. I vlogged during my appointment today, and I'm debating on whether or not to share it with you guys. How many people are actually interested in seeing this journey every step of the way? Definitely shoot me an email and let me know. I'm going to try and post little images here and there on instagram, so if you don't follow me, click the link on the right side of my profile. I'm sketchy about who I add, but if I know you personally, feel free to shoot me a follow request!

We picked up two new trying to conceive outfits yesterday like I mentioned. Justin said we needed a new baby boy outfit since the last one "didn't work" for us. I seriously laughed so hard when he said that. Ava bug helped daddy pick out the little brother outfit, and we even got Bug a couple shirts that say, "I"M GOING TO BE A BIG SISTER" so she can be apart of this journey every step of the way. I wanted to wrap this up with giving a huge thanks to all of those that gave such positive messages and emails yesterday! Having support from my family, readers, and friends is what has made this process a little easier.

Happy Wednesday all!

♥- Leilani

Baseline

So, I vlogged last week about taking Provera, weaning, and waiting for my menstrual to arrive... the menstrual arrived Sunday! I was pretty shocked at how fast it happened, considering the nurse told me that it could take up to 14 days for a menstrual to arrive. I hadn't made it a complete four days before mine did. I'm excited about starting my baseline appointment sooner, and I'm excited about starting my FSH injections sooner. Ironically, we are in the exact same position that we were in when we were trying to conceive Ava bug. We had only one shot to try and conceive the month we did because Justin was due to deploy to Afghanistan shortly after. While he's not deploying this time around, he will be gone for seven whole weeks, which leaves us with one shot at trying to conceive before he has to leave. A lot of things from our past experience and this experience are matching up and it's been calming to see how similar this journey has been to our journey with Ava. My baseline appointment is today which just entails blood work and an ultrasound. I'm extremely thankful that Justin is in a company that allows him the time to be actively involved in this trying to conceive business. When we were in Georgia, It was like pulling teeth for him to be present for anything. Granted, they were deploying soon, so I understood.

I think today we are going to pick up another baby girl trying to conceive outfit. We did this prior to having Ava, and that's how I actually announced I was having a baby girl. We still have the baby boy outfit, and I'm thinking this will be a fun way to involve Ava in the process. That has honestly been my main goal these days. Finding ways to introduce the fact that Ava bug could potentially be a big sister soon. I purchased a ton of board books last night and a couple of them are "I'm going to be a big sister" geared books. With the weaning, toddler room sleeping, and incorporating the idea of changes.. I'm hoping it helps us. It's all of these new emotions and changes that I'm trying to figure out how to handle. Prior to Ava, we had no clue about anything. We also didn't have to worry about making our home comfortable for Ava because of the potential arrival of another.

Also, I'm 97% sure we already picked out the names for baby # 2. I have to say this is my favorite pre-conception ritual. This truly is the fun part for Justin and I when discussing adding babies into our lives. I'm also ecstatic that it looks as if he'll be present for my entire pregnancy this time around! While I'm completely grateful that Justin was here for Ava's first milestones, It'll be nice to have him home for the birth and entire pregnancy of the next baby. Having my rock during the most vulnerable time of my life will definitely be needed. I plan on vlogging about our baseline appointment and hopefully giving you guys a tour of the facility we are utilizing to assist with our fertility treatments. It means the world to me that I have a strong reader base and that you guys are sending your good vibes this way! I appreciate all of you and God willing, I'll be able to share the ins and outs of mothering two Howl babes!

** If you have any questions about the route Justin and I will be taking, feel free to comment below or send an email **

Happy Tuesday all!

♥- Leilani

& here we go!

As of this evening, I will have officially started my first provera pill to jump start a menstrual cycle. My fertility appointment was exactly a week ago, and it's taken me this long to really start the process. A lot of changes have happened over the last week, more specifically with Ava, and to be completely honest with you guys... I'm scared. I had to wean my toddler and it has been going completely awful. I didn't want to blog about it, talk about it, I just wanted it to be a transition that we go through privately. Weaning is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. This is coming from a mama that had a 17 hour labor. I would rather labor ten more children than have to wean Ava. I hate this so much. I hate that nursing has become something different then it was in the first year and a half. I hate that I don't get the same emotions about nursing that I once did. I hate that my fertility issues have decided that I have to wean my child.

So many emotions are all over the place and I just felt the need to write some of them out. Yesterday, Ava had a play date and I got some mama friend time in. I was talking to my mama friend about why I was hesitant with taking the pills I needed right away. I talked to her about being scared and things changing. It wasn't until later that night that I realized the things I'm scared about are the things that are going to bring me the most joy. Yes, I'm more than likely going to have a high energy toddler and a newborn baby at one time (God willing). I'm going to have to deal with two sets of meltdowns probably when Justin is off for training somewhere. I'm going to have two little humans that rely on me for survival. I'm going to have two beautiful babies that want mama to hold them before they go to bed at night. I'm probably going to deal with a little jealously with Ava bug. She's probably going to wonder why she's not the only spotlight in our world anymore. And I will have started a new nursing journey and relationship with our new bean.

I realized that these things aren't necessarily scary, just life. It's the small sacrifices we make to achieve "whole families" and happiness. These feelings are so new to me and I still can't believe it. When we were trying for Ava, there was never any doubt. There was never any super scary moments when we were trying to conceive (ironically). I knew I wanted her more than anything in the world, and when I got her, my entire existence made sense. I feel guilty for not feeling that way this time around. Should I? Is this is a sign that we should wait some more? No. It's not. The truth is, when we are in the car looking back at our sweet girl, we are ready to look to the right, and see another sweet girl, or a handsome little boy. I can't shake that feeling. I can't shake not dreaming up what this next child will look like. I can't not think about how I'm ready to hear more baby giggles and to have two more sweet hands to hold. I can't help but smile every time Justin talks about Ava's siblings and how excited he is for this journey. So, here we go guys. Leaping in, imperfectly, with everything we have. I may never stop being scared of the unknown, but I have faith that this is the right decision. This is the right move. I am ready to be a mother to more babies. I am ready.

 ♥- Leilani

Best Wedding Anniversary, Ever!

Today marks four whole years of marriage with the love of my life and I still can't believe he picked me to be his forever person. This feeling is surreal you guys, and I'm blessed to know a love like this. I knew this man for less than six whole months prior to accepting his engagement. Saying yes was one of the craziest, scariest, most emotional things I have ever done in my life, but I never looked back. Not once. Here I am today, and I have so much to show from that "yes" I gave 4.5 years ago. I have a man that is accepting, gentle, and gives me an infinite amount of love. I've seen parts of this nation I wouldn't have dare gone alone and I made some long lasting friends and memories. I opened up my heart to the first fur animal I have ever truly loved, and I became a fur mama. I lost, I grieved, and gained with this man I call husband. He really has seen me through some of the lowest times, and the highs. He is the father of my child and my very best friend in the entire world. My existence, my life as I know it wouldn't be as bright or beautiful without him. With that being said, Happy Anniversary Woobie. You have and always will be the love of my life, and I can't wait to see what the next four years bring us...

Speaking of, as many of my Facebook friends saw, we are officially trying for baby # 2. I started to make a YouTube video to sum this up for you guys, but I kept getting really choked up about it. It was our intention to wait just a little bit longer before getting this ball rolling. We wanted to head to Vegas this March, we wanted to spend a little more time with each other and a little more time with one special little girl. This was something we've gone back and forth on for months, and I'm at a place where I know that Justin and I are ready for our second child. I'm finally ready to take on the emotions that come with fertility treatments and infertility. I no longer have this "what if" feeling in my gut when I dream of our next child. Everything feels right and my marriage and friendship with Justin is in the best place possible for this next bundle of joy.

This all happened so suddenly, so I don' want you guys to feel out of the loop. After Justin's grandfather passed, a lot of things in our household changed. We really embraced the notion of how quickly life can change in just moments. One day we were calling his grandparents home with Papoo answering and discussing the weather with me, the next he was gone. That's when the talk of Howland baby #2 started again. I started to realize that there was nothing seriously holding us back from trying. I also realized that if you have the opportunity to go after the things you want in life, why wait? My husband has been such a rock star through this entire process and I couldn't be more thankful for his patience. He's wanted another baby for quite some time and he's never really pressured me about it. He's never made me feel guilty or pushed the baby subject too heavily. I will always love him most for being such a considerate partner.

I had my first appointment yesterday with my new endocrinologist and I absolutely love her. Right from the start she let me tell her what path Justin and I were looking to take and she never made me feel uneasy about anything. We have opted to do injections again, so she prescribed provera to jump start a menstrual cycle so we can get this ball rolling. After the crimson tide shows up, I'll be taking shots to stimulate my ovaries. My doctor discussed the idea of multiples quite heavily, but I'm trying not to get overly nervous about that (yet). I am going to make a video all about my first appointment, go into more depth on the discussion, and the path we are taking. That pretty much sums up the last twenty four hours and I'm so excited to FINALLY be taking you guys on this journey with me.

How many of my readers are currently trying to conceive? How many of you are utilizing fertility treatments? Share with me in the comments below or by email.

Happy Wednesday all

♥- Leilani

Appreciate what you have

I think the title of this blog post is pretty much a given for all of us. There are so many things to be thankful for in our everyday lives, but sometimes we are so blinded by the things we want, that we forget to step back and really appreciate all that we have. I know I am definitely guilty of this. Especially as of late. *** More trying to conceive talk ahead*** aside from finding a new provider and discussing our route, Justin and I have yet to dive in and start the fertility process... why, you ask? Nerves, the feeling of not being ready, the comfortability we have in our family right now, etc? Pick one, and I'm sure I will concur. The fear of not being able to have another child has somehow consumed a lot of my thoughts, and rather than allowing ourselves to thoroughly enjoy the way our family is now, we are rolling this ball that truthfully ----> we aren't quite ready to roll yet.

We have our days (I must sound crazy on this blog), where we are more than excited to finally "start" trying for another baby.. and then, Ava does something new and spectacular, and there it is.. our hearts are filled. If I'm content and happy with all that I have now, why on earth am I trying to force another child before we are ready? Because I'm a mad woman! No seriously, I had to step back and regroup. I see a lot of my friends and family that are pregnant with baby # 2 and for a split second, that's when I think, "Ahh, I'm ready. I want that." Truth is, YES, I do want that.. just not with them or right now. It's taken me weeks to finally realize this you guys. A huge part of undergoing fertility is to have the right mind set. Being in a good place with your spouse and yourself before you think about adding addition lives to your life.

There are a lot of things we want to do with Ava before we add a sibling to her life. There is so much Justin and I want to do with each other before we add another baby into our lives. We have been discussing having a "baby moon" for my 24th birthday in VEGAS! Ava is at an age where I can leave her in the care of my family without worry, and I'm sure come March, I'll be even more at ease. The whole point of sharing my new revelations is to remember that I have so much to be happy about. I have a loving, supportive, and incredible man by my side, I have a super charismatic kid, and an adorable dog to boot! I have Washington state, good friends, family, and Starbucks around the corner. Not totally serious about Starbucks (I think), but I truly appreciate all that I have right now. I don't want for anything, and there is nothing better than being in this place I am right now. I haven't felt this good about decisions like this in weeks.

Whoo! That was a lot to take in. I still plan on vlogging for all of you! I'll share other things aside from fertility. How many of my readers went back and forth when making life decisions like this? Did you wait, did you rush? I'd love to hear from you in the comments below or by email.

Happy Wednesday all!

♥- Leilani

Howland Traditions {Fall}

I love fall. Seriously, I kind of wish we could skip summer because I love the season of fall/winter so very much. This weekend was nothing short of awesome, and I'm glad we had time to bond with Justin these last few days. It rained the entire weekend (thank you Washington), but we found a way to get out and explore anyways. Ava and Justin had tons of fun playing in fall leaves, we fed her imagination with her "little people" indoors, and we made our third trip to the pumpkin farm today. I'm super excited for this next week because we are finally going to carve our pumpkins! Last year, Ava bug was obviously too small to participate, so I am pretty stoked that my kid can assist this time around. We are also heading out to our first Military hosted Halloween party. I can't wait for Bug to show off her costume! It should be tons of fun, and I'm a little extra eager since I helped contribute to this little shindig!

The house is decorated in (minimal) Halloween decor, and I'm pretty sure we'll be roasting the pumpkin seeds after they are carved. So many traditions that we are sticking to! I am so happy. Another HUGE thing has this family all excited. We are starting the motions (again) for fertility treatments. We were so amped up in the month of August to try and conceive, and then all of a sudden we hit this place where we wanted to take a few more months to think things over. It was definitely more my decision then Justin, but I am grateful that I have a husband who doesn't pressure, even with his baby fever in full swing. My biggest reason was honestly our sweet girl. I savor this time with her because I know that soon, she'll be sharing her mommy and daddy.

I had my provider refer me to an off-post company that has phenomenal results with aiding in fertility. I'm excited to get the ball rolling, but I'm also okay with taking our time as we go through the steps. I think that's the best place for us to be. It also allows Ava more time to socialize with other kiddos during this process. It really warms my heart watching Ava with other kids. That's a major reason why we opted to have Ava bug enroll in toddler geared classes. I truly think Bug is going to be the best helper and of course, the best big sister! I'm really debating on whether or not to continue to share my journey with my readers. How many of my readers enjoy reading about our fertility experience? Does it help other parents who are currently going through some of the same things as my family? I'd love to hear from you in the comments below or by email.

Before I wrap this up, here is a sweet photo of my sweet baby girl in the leaves.

Happy Sunday all!

♥- Leilani

Hello September!

This marks my first blog post for the month of September, and I've got to say things are off to a great start. With diving into purchasing our first home (look out for a blog post on this), Justin getting LASIK eye surgery, and this mama spending her first night away from Ava bug, I'd say that we have a lot on our plates. For those of my blog readers that are reading my last sentence, I bet you are wondering how on earth you didn't know that we were in the process of buying our first home, am I right? Everything has happened so quickly, and we found our dream home on our first open house (as crazy as that sounds). We actually just put in our offer last night, and it's safe to say that both Justin and I are freaking out. We have never purchased property before and it's a really big deal for us. Some part of me has this notion that we've got this "American dream" going on. The house, the family, the job, etc. Being home owners is just another huge milestone for our family.

All of our stars seemed to be aligned and we have never felt this in sync in our marriage. Life has been really good for us these last few weeks. More importantly we keep discussing trying to conceive and where we stand with that. I remember mentioning to you guys that we were going to take a break, then we were back on, and now it seems as if we both unintentionally are in a comfortable place right now. Ava takes up a lot of our time, we are now just getting back into the swing of incorporating "us" time, and with all of the new impending changes...trying for a baby doesn't really seem like a good idea right now. Now, ask me again when this house deal closes, and you may get a different response from me. Above all, I just love where we are at. I know Justin has the "baby fever" and I'm guilty as well, but it feels good to be a team in this decision.

I literally just got a call confirming that our offer was accepted on the new house! Oh my goodness! I can't even explain to you guys how happy I am right now. A lot of the details that go into purchasing a home are a tad confusing, so I am off to do my research even more so about the stages we are in. I can't wait to share this new journey with all of you. I'm excited to have something that is entirely ours in my home state! How many of my blog readers are home owners? How long did it take you to find your dream home? I'd love to hear from you in the comments below or by email!

Here's a preview of the new (soon to be)  Howland Residence:

Isn't it gorgeous?

Happy Thursday all!

♥- Leilani

Why Aunt Flo?

Well, if the title of this blog post wasn't obvious enough.. I am not pregnant. I'm definitely bummed out, but I'm not upset about the outcome. It looks like we'll be starting fertility treatments here soon, and I'm hopeful about this method (as it has been successful for us in the past). I feel as if I'm starting to put too much pressure on trying to conceive. It's not a time oriented event.. in fact, whenever it occurs, we'll be over the moon about baby # 2. I don't know why all of these urgent feelings have emerged, but I plan on shutting them down. The most important goal throughout our journey is to enjoy every moment, and to relax. Especially our time with Ava. She's changing even more rapidly as of late (look out for her fifteen month post), and we literally savor the seconds with our sweet girl.

Speaking of relaxing, Justin's two weeks of block leave have been spent with extended family! We've had a blast having bbq's, explorations days, and lots of cuddles for Ava bug. It really is the most heart melting notion to see so many people shed love for our daughter. We are blessed beyond measure to have such a great, big family! I was able to grab a few family recipes from my grandmother during all of this, and I got our "four generation" family photos as a bonus! Justin's mom flew in on Sunday afternoon, and I know he's excited to show her what the Pacific Northwest has to offer. Ava has taken to new faces (surprisingly) well. It's really a toss up with how she'll respond to new people, but I'm glad she warmed up to her family fairly quick.

Also, for all my blog readers that may have "infertility" issues... I wanted to shed some light on that word. I know the first time a doctor told Justin and I that we may have fertility issues, I kind of had this awful feeling come over me. Hearing someone tell you that having children may not be an option is a really gut wrenching feeling, and it hurts. Although some journey's are scary, and others long, I just wanted to tell all of you, not to give up hope! Having done this myself, I know I have an appreciation for my daughter that I would not have, if not for the route it took to conceive her. When you fight for something you want so badly (like a child), you are so much more grateful, and appreciative then you ever thought possible.

Here's a few photos of our recent trip to Mount Rainier National Park. When I saw the rainbow, I had tears in my eyes. It reminded me not to get discouraged, to enjoy my family, and it served as a reminder that beautiful things are all around us.

Happy Tuesday all!


♥- Leilani

Test after Test

Good afternoon guys! Here's a small update on our fertility journey. As most of you know, I went and saw my reproductive endocrinologist the last week of July, and everything checked out really well during my visit. That follicle that our doc found did indeed release (found that out today), and I know I ovulated last Monday. I actually went out and purchased ovulation tests, and I was able to track down the exact date of ovulation. This was our first time doing this without the help of fertility meds, so it was pretty neat to say the least. I'm not sure if you can actually see the positive lines for ovulation, but I loved being able to keep track of it.

Since my positive ovulation test, I have attempted to take four pregnancy tests. I knew all of them would be negative (too soon to test), but a part of me has been so ancy about taking pregnancy tests. I took one clear blue test that actually came in the ovulation pack, and I've taken three generic tests, that required a cup to catch the urine. I took those all this past weekend, and yesterday I went in for an HCG blood test at our laboratory on post. During my appointment with the RE this morning, all of my labs came back normal (they'd ordered routine tests... thyroid, hormone levels, etc).

The HCG came back negative (my primary doctor put that in just to check).. I was extremely disappointed until my RE said at this point it is still to early to test. My blood work indicated that I definitely released an egg, and they want me to come back in a week's time to take another HCG draw (there is hope yet)! I have been cramping like crazy since day two after ovulation, and that is usually a good sign for conception (at least for us).

Justin and I are both just extremely anxious at this point. It's getting harder everyday not to talk about something with this "potential baby" that could be on the way. The waiting game is truly the hardest part. Fingers crossed that next week I'll be sharing a positive pregnancy test with you guys!

Happy Thursday all!

♥- Leilani