So, I vlogged last week about taking Provera, weaning, and waiting for my menstrual to arrive... the menstrual arrived Sunday! I was pretty shocked at how fast it happened, considering the nurse told me that it could take up to 14 days for a menstrual to arrive. I hadn't made it a complete four days before mine did. I'm excited about starting my baseline appointment sooner, and I'm excited about starting my FSH injections sooner. Ironically, we are in the exact same position that we were in when we were trying to conceive Ava bug. We had only one shot to try and conceive the month we did because Justin was due to deploy to Afghanistan shortly after. While he's not deploying this time around, he will be gone for seven whole weeks, which leaves us with one shot at trying to conceive before he has to leave. A lot of things from our past experience and this experience are matching up and it's been calming to see how similar this journey has been to our journey with Ava. My baseline appointment is today which just entails blood work and an ultrasound. I'm extremely thankful that Justin is in a company that allows him the time to be actively involved in this trying to conceive business. When we were in Georgia, It was like pulling teeth for him to be present for anything. Granted, they were deploying soon, so I understood.

I think today we are going to pick up another baby girl trying to conceive outfit. We did this prior to having Ava, and that's how I actually announced I was having a baby girl. We still have the baby boy outfit, and I'm thinking this will be a fun way to involve Ava in the process. That has honestly been my main goal these days. Finding ways to introduce the fact that Ava bug could potentially be a big sister soon. I purchased a ton of board books last night and a couple of them are "I'm going to be a big sister" geared books. With the weaning, toddler room sleeping, and incorporating the idea of changes.. I'm hoping it helps us. It's all of these new emotions and changes that I'm trying to figure out how to handle. Prior to Ava, we had no clue about anything. We also didn't have to worry about making our home comfortable for Ava because of the potential arrival of another.

Also, I'm 97% sure we already picked out the names for baby # 2. I have to say this is my favorite pre-conception ritual. This truly is the fun part for Justin and I when discussing adding babies into our lives. I'm also ecstatic that it looks as if he'll be present for my entire pregnancy this time around! While I'm completely grateful that Justin was here for Ava's first milestones, It'll be nice to have him home for the birth and entire pregnancy of the next baby. Having my rock during the most vulnerable time of my life will definitely be needed. I plan on vlogging about our baseline appointment and hopefully giving you guys a tour of the facility we are utilizing to assist with our fertility treatments. It means the world to me that I have a strong reader base and that you guys are sending your good vibes this way! I appreciate all of you and God willing, I'll be able to share the ins and outs of mothering two Howl babes!

** If you have any questions about the route Justin and I will be taking, feel free to comment below or send an email **

Happy Tuesday all!

♥- Leilani

& here we go!

As of this evening, I will have officially started my first provera pill to jump start a menstrual cycle. My fertility appointment was exactly a week ago, and it's taken me this long to really start the process. A lot of changes have happened over the last week, more specifically with Ava, and to be completely honest with you guys... I'm scared. I had to wean my toddler and it has been going completely awful. I didn't want to blog about it, talk about it, I just wanted it to be a transition that we go through privately. Weaning is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. This is coming from a mama that had a 17 hour labor. I would rather labor ten more children than have to wean Ava. I hate this so much. I hate that nursing has become something different then it was in the first year and a half. I hate that I don't get the same emotions about nursing that I once did. I hate that my fertility issues have decided that I have to wean my child.

So many emotions are all over the place and I just felt the need to write some of them out. Yesterday, Ava had a play date and I got some mama friend time in. I was talking to my mama friend about why I was hesitant with taking the pills I needed right away. I talked to her about being scared and things changing. It wasn't until later that night that I realized the things I'm scared about are the things that are going to bring me the most joy. Yes, I'm more than likely going to have a high energy toddler and a newborn baby at one time (God willing). I'm going to have to deal with two sets of meltdowns probably when Justin is off for training somewhere. I'm going to have two little humans that rely on me for survival. I'm going to have two beautiful babies that want mama to hold them before they go to bed at night. I'm probably going to deal with a little jealously with Ava bug. She's probably going to wonder why she's not the only spotlight in our world anymore. And I will have started a new nursing journey and relationship with our new bean.

I realized that these things aren't necessarily scary, just life. It's the small sacrifices we make to achieve "whole families" and happiness. These feelings are so new to me and I still can't believe it. When we were trying for Ava, there was never any doubt. There was never any super scary moments when we were trying to conceive (ironically). I knew I wanted her more than anything in the world, and when I got her, my entire existence made sense. I feel guilty for not feeling that way this time around. Should I? Is this is a sign that we should wait some more? No. It's not. The truth is, when we are in the car looking back at our sweet girl, we are ready to look to the right, and see another sweet girl, or a handsome little boy. I can't shake that feeling. I can't shake not dreaming up what this next child will look like. I can't not think about how I'm ready to hear more baby giggles and to have two more sweet hands to hold. I can't help but smile every time Justin talks about Ava's siblings and how excited he is for this journey. So, here we go guys. Leaping in, imperfectly, with everything we have. I may never stop being scared of the unknown, but I have faith that this is the right decision. This is the right move. I am ready to be a mother to more babies. I am ready.

 ♥- Leilani