& here we go!

Wednesday, January 28, 2015
As of this evening, I will have officially started my first provera pill to jump start a menstrual cycle. My fertility appointment was exactly a week ago, and it's taken me this long to really start the process. A lot of changes have happened over the last week, more specifically with Ava, and to be completely honest with you guys... I'm scared. I had to wean my toddler and it has been going completely awful. I didn't want to blog about it, talk about it, I just wanted it to be a transition that we go through privately. Weaning is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. This is coming from a mama that had a 17 hour labor. I would rather labor ten more children than have to wean Ava. I hate this so much. I hate that nursing has become something different then it was in the first year and a half. I hate that I don't get the same emotions about nursing that I once did. I hate that my fertility issues have decided that I have to wean my child.

So many emotions are all over the place and I just felt the need to write some of them out. Yesterday, Ava had a play date and I got some mama friend time in. I was talking to my mama friend about why I was hesitant with taking the pills I needed right away. I talked to her about being scared and things changing. It wasn't until later that night that I realized the things I'm scared about are the things that are going to bring me the most joy. Yes, I'm more than likely going to have a high energy toddler and a newborn baby at one time (God willing). I'm going to have to deal with two sets of meltdowns probably when Justin is off for training somewhere. I'm going to have two little humans that rely on me for survival. I'm going to have two beautiful babies that want mama to hold them before they go to bed at night. I'm probably going to deal with a little jealously with Ava bug. She's probably going to wonder why she's not the only spotlight in our world anymore. And I will have started a new nursing journey and relationship with our new bean.

I realized that these things aren't necessarily scary, just life. It's the small sacrifices we make to achieve "whole families" and happiness. These feelings are so new to me and I still can't believe it. When we were trying for Ava, there was never any doubt. There was never any super scary moments when we were trying to conceive (ironically). I knew I wanted her more than anything in the world, and when I got her, my entire existence made sense. I feel guilty for not feeling that way this time around. Should I? Is this is a sign that we should wait some more? No. It's not. The truth is, when we are in the car looking back at our sweet girl, we are ready to look to the right, and see another sweet girl, or a handsome little boy. I can't shake that feeling. I can't shake not dreaming up what this next child will look like. I can't not think about how I'm ready to hear more baby giggles and to have two more sweet hands to hold. I can't help but smile every time Justin talks about Ava's siblings and how excited he is for this journey. So, here we go guys. Leaping in, imperfectly, with everything we have. I may never stop being scared of the unknown, but I have faith that this is the right decision. This is the right move. I am ready to be a mother to more babies. I am ready.

 ♥- Leilani

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