Saturday, March 14, 2015
So, as you probably assumed by the title of this blog, I am NOT pregnant. I took my third pregnancy test of the week this morning, and it was negative (as were the other two). Surprisingly, I'm not disappointed either. I mean, I was a little bummed, but this week gave me a lot of time to process that this cycle was our first bust. I started bleeding two days ago, and although it wasn't heavy, it was still present. I was immediately crushed because I knew then, there was no baby. The weird thing is, the blood was really light. Like so light, I probably could have gotten away with wearing a panty liner. I thought it might have been implantation bleeding, but it was too late in a cycle for it to be that. I was still cramping and having a few pregnancy symptoms. I thought it could have been from the HCG still in my system though. I also took my first test on Wednesday? It was a clear negative then but my doctor's office told me I was testing too early. Which was true. But, I just knew something was off. So here was my thinking process:

- When we were "baby dancing" I had the stomach flu. I wasn't intaking fluids, I was ill. I wasn't hopeful during those days.

- I found out that I took the wrong dose of the trigger shot this week. My doctor's office caught that error when we were going over doses that I had taken this cycle. I took about 1/3 of the amount I was suppose to have to trigger and release my follicles.

- We rushed it. We were on a time limit because Justin was leaving. I could have given myself a few more days to slowly grow follicles, and who knows.. maybe we would have caught that I wasn't taking the correct dose of ovidrel?

At the end of the day, so many great things came from this cycle. Weaning Ava, getting in the trying to conceive attitude, and finding an amazing reproductive clinic to assist us. I'm not emotional like I thought I would be. When I started bleeding that was when I got that surreal, sad feeling. You know what immediately diminished those feelings? Grabbing my toddler from her bed and holding her. The truth is, no matter what happens in our fertility journey moving forward, we always have our Ava bug. She is living proof that my body can do amazing, wonderful things. In those moments, I felt no loss at all. I felt full. Justin is doing okay with the news too. I think we were both just really hopeful, but with all the contingencies that popped up, we understand why this cycle more than likely didn't take. The follicles were there, I was in good shape, but everything does happen in due time.

We plan on trying again once he's home, and I'm hopeful that the next cycle will be the "one" that takes. I'm so proud of myself for being in good spirits and allowing myself to not look at this cycle as a loss. Perfect, healthy couples don't conceive each month they try. Sometimes these things happen, and you have to be okay with it. I think it'd consume me if it wasn't. I'm currently trying to figure out if I should travel with Ava bug since the pregnancy is a no go this month, or stay at home and just enjoy my little girl until her daddy gets home. I haven't made a final decision, but I plan on doing that by the end of the day.

Thank you to everyone that stood by us during this journey. I appreciate you all more than I express. I'm hoping to share our next cycle with you guys, so stay tuned for May! Should be a great month for us Howlands! Especially Ava bug.. She turns two!

Happy Saturday all! If you are a Washingtonian, I hope you've got your rain gear handy!

♥- Leilani

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