Giving Your All

Thursday, May 3, 2018
My son is eight weeks old today. I can hardly believe it. Because our world is mostly chaotic, whenever I get a moment with just him, I soak it in. I smile. I nuzzle his chunky cheeks with my nose. I breathe in his fresh baby scent. He's perfect, you guys and he's oh so handsome. I have never been smitten with a boy quite like this before in my life and I am loving every single moment I have with him. He's smiling so much now, cooing, and holding onto things when we place them in his hands. Even though this is my third ride through motherhood, it still feels like the first. Watching my son get stronger by the day, watching his features change... just watching him. This has and always will be my favorite part of bringing new life into the world. Watching all of those firsts happen. There is truly nothing else like it.
With celebrating Liam's eight-week milestones also comes a lot of mama guilt. Guilt because, well... the exhaustion from living has set in and reared its ugly head more than usual. It started probably almost two weeks ago. I realized that I have literally not had time to eat something throughout the day. Silly, right? Surely we all have time to grab something to eat when we are hungry... nope. When I say there is always something to do, there is always something to do. Like right now. I could be eating yogurt or folding laundry but I decided to share my truths was more important. I'm always on the move though. It could be for the kids, the house, or Justin... we are constantly moving. When we aren't moving, the kids are asleep which means productivity is a go.
Now don't get me wrong. This is my dream life. SERIOUSLY. I get to raise my kids in an active role, kiss the man of my dreams goodnight, AND pursue my education at my own pace. There aren't too many more roots to be planted from me in that spectrum. I like to be in control. I like schedules. I typically like busy. But I've reached a point where I am truly depleted. I noticed this again yesterday. Justin's birthday. From the moment I woke up, I was on the go. I left the house, Liam in tow, to get Justin "Happy Birthday Justin" donuts before the sun came up. Literally before the sun. And all for donuts colored in blue and orange (go Broncos!), because it was an out of the norm treat from me and everyone loves a good donut. Knowing that I'd have to get Ava dressed and do her hair, I started to panic about the time. Traffic was a bit heavier heading home and I was kicking myself for not waking up earlier. 
Once I got home, I summoned everyone to the kitchen so we could start celebrating Justin. Check. Then, I rushed to finish getting Ava ready so Justin could take her to school. I changed Olivia, fed Olivia, nursed Liam. Changed Liam. Switched laundry. Talked to my birthday man while he got ready for work. Turned on a show for Olivia, pulled out meat for dinner. Immediately the checklist started to formulate in my head for the day. It is seriously that easy to forget about myself. That easy. I wish I could stop doing that, but I can't. I can't because... well giving your all is just that. You are giving your all. 
I think what i need most is balance, that I’m included in. I’ve mastered balancing time between my kids, balancing time with Justin, also respecting that he needs *his time* too. But i never take myself into account. Here’s hoping I can make that change that i so desperately need to make. I know how important self- care is and I’ll preach about it all day. When it comes to actually applying it to myself, I fail. Maybe that’s why I feel so guilty. I shouldn’t need this time. At least that’s what I tell myself... but I do.

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