I can't believe this chapter is now closed.
As I sit down to type out my thoughts, a wave of emotions engulfs me. This month marks the end of a journey that has defined me for the past 2 years, 9 months, and some days – my breastfeeding journey with my fourth and final child, Tatum, our little tater tot. For me, motherhood has always been a symphony of emotions, a rollercoaster ride filled with so many highs and a fair amount of lows. As I close the chapter on breastfeeding, the melody is bittersweet. I've always known this day was going to come (no matter how many kids we had) but it still feels surreal to think that I'm leaving behind parts of my identity, parts of my motherhood, so much of myself that has been for the last nearly 11 years. In the past, ending one journey of breastfeeding with a Howland babe meant that a new Howland baby would soon (god willing) be arriving. That is not the case this go-round. That won't be the case for us ever again.
Miss Tatum, our miracle baby, entered our lives after a tumultuous journey during utero, I think that's why I never really worried about an end date with nursing her. I just always felt so grateful that she wanted to nurse, that she not only had nutrition available to her but also comfort. Breastfeeding Tatum has been a unique experience, unlike any of my previous journeys. With her, I embraced the role of a mother who was not having any more babies and I feel like I connected to her breastfeeding needs profoundly because of it. I feel a little bad admitting that? I'm not sure why. With the older three, I knew that I needed to stop nursing before we could even consider trying for another baby (Thank you, PCOS). So the bond Tatum and I formed during this journey was just a slow-paced, easy, "on her terms" vibe. I honestly didn't think I'd stop nursing her before she turned three years old but the signs this past month have been pretty LOUD and clear that this girl was ready for a day-to-day (and night-to-night) without breastfeeding.
With that in mind, closing this chapter wasn't an easy decision. It meant acknowledging that our baby girl, our last Howland babe, was ready to embrace new milestones. In Leilani fashion, I did a cold turkey approach - but with a much older toddler. One day, I just told her we were not going to do boobie anymore. She refused of course. She was angry. But she was okay. She went right into sleeping in her bed the same night. BIG changes and both on the same night. And guess what? That was almost two weeks ago. She's slept in her bed for naps and bedtime for two weeks now. It shocks me how much of a "first-time" mom attitude I've had about it. She has to have cameras in her room - we have to be able to see her and be notified of any sounds or cries. I was not this way with my last two, for sure. Not even Ava! Sometimes I fall asleep holding the monitor. Justin gets a kick out of that.
As I reflect on this journey, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for the moments we've shared. The late-night feedings, the quiet afternoon snuggles, back-seat nursing sessions during pickups, and the tender gazes exchanged during those intimate nursing sessions. Each memory is a page in the story of our family, and with Tatum taking her steps toward more toddler independence, a new chapter begins. The end of breastfeeding is not just an end; it's a beautiful start to new memories and adventures. It's an opportunity to witness Tatum unfold her wings and explore the world from a new perspective. It's a reminder that motherhood is a series of beginnings and endings, each one shaping us into the mothers we are meant to be.
So, here's to Tatum, our little tater tot, and to all the mothers out there navigating the ever-changing landscape of motherhood. As we close one door, let's open our hearts to the beautiful possibilities that lie ahead. After all, the symphony of motherhood is ever-evolving, and with each note, we find new reasons to cherish and celebrate the incredible journey we're on.
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