Goodbye, Washington

Thursday, April 28, 2016
In just a few weeks, I'll be waving goodbye to Washington state. I haven't processed this as well as I would have hoped. In fact, I feel like a huge part of me isn't ready to say goodbye yet. I wrote a pros and con list to identify all the reasons why this move will be good for our family... there are about a dozen reasons. I know this move will be the perfect change for us. I can feel it in my bones. The warm Texas sun on our faces. The huge backyard in the new house that our kiddos will be running all around in. The cul de sac the new house is on and the countless basketball games Justin and Ava will play there. Like I said, a dozen reasons why this will be good. But all the same, there are about a dozen reasons why this will be one of the hardest things I ever do in life. Saying goodbye.. it creates a disconnect from my mom. Some of you might say, "she'll always be in your heart" and yes, that may be true... but it's the gut wrenching feeling that I won't be able to visit the last place I saw her. I won't be able to go to our favorite restaurants or stores. I won't be able to close my eyes and envision my mom watching me sing in the car (nervously) before my first choir audition.. because being in those places won't be an option. 

It's the feeling that I'm leaving her that weighs heavily on me... I know she's gone.. I get that. But it's the finality of this goodbye that literally consumes me with overwhelming guilt. I feel guilty for leaving my sister during this time. The loss of my mom is still so incredibly tender, I know this is something we should be together for... but, we wont. I feel guilty for tearing my girls (more specifically, Ava) from the only normality they have ever known. I feel guilty for stripping my father the chance to be the grandfather that I feel he wants to be. So. Much. Guilt. I feel guilty for feeling a sense of relief that moving will provide too. I won't constantly run into familiar faces that know about my loss... I won't constantly be asked if I am okay, how I'm healing.... I won't know anyone.. Noone will know my pain. That is a bright side for me. 

♥- Leilani

Post a Comment