Not Ready

Monday, October 15, 2018
I am admitting out loud (well, writing it) that I am not ready for this move. The moment we got the news that we were moving back to Washington, I was elated. I was overjoyed, I started thinking about all the new adventures we’d make, I didn’t have a single negative thought. Then, last week, Justin was told he couldn’t leave this station until the new station commander arrived - or until the end of the quarter for USAREC. That would have pushed us out to December 12th for packing, driving cross country, and trying to get everything set up in the new house just 13 days before Christmas. There is no way I could drag my kids across the country during this season. This season is supposed to be filled with family, food, and gratefulness. This season is not for suitcases on the go, new addresses, and a bare home that doesn’t reflect just how much we embrace this time of year. My stress wheels started turning and Justin and I decided that the move would have to wait until after Christmas.

I was bummed that our move was being pushed to the right and in an effort to make the most of our holidays, I decided to go and find the most festive activities to do as a family. The polar express, the lighting of the town tree, etc. I found myself getting excited about staying put for just a little while longer. Ava would be able to stay at her school until winter break too. The benefits were piling up and with that Justin and I placed the shipping paperwork (allowing the army to move our household goods) for a date after Christmas. And then, in Army fashion, this plan soon became a bust. Justin’s replacement for station commander took over officially today, but they found out Friday night.

Are you kidding me? We had just sold ourselves on one more Texas Christmas and now we were faced with staying and losing out on time we could be taking to get settled, OR trying to get refunded for all the holiday events we just paid for and trying to switch those Army move dates. Its just a mess. This will be our fourth military move together and its turning out to be the most chaotic out of all of them. That got me thinking about other factors surrounded by moving back home. My mom, especially. We left Washington a little over two months after my mom passed. Most of my grieving and attempts to understand have happened in Texas. It was a saving grace in so many ways, but now it’ll be like pulling off that bandage once more. Being constantly surrounded by all the things my mom loved…

I now get to live the heartache my baby sister has been left with since our mom passed. I’m trying so hard not to focus on just “the sad stuff” because I know there will be a million reasons we will smile because of my mom when we move back… thats just the first thing that hit me when i thought about this dilemma with the moving. I’m moving back to a home without my mom. And then I just don’t feel ready to move back at all.

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