Friday, October 4, 2013
My heart is breaking. I can't even write right now. I can't think. I cant... My mom has been sick for the last 3 years. She has pulmonary arterial hypertension. It's a rare disease, but it has caused a lot of damage on her heart. I knew she was sick. I just recently found out the extent of how sick she really is. She's been given a small window for expectancy of life and I can't handle it. I'm not there, I haven't been there to help her through this. I feel so guilty. I feel selfish. I feel like the worst daughter on the planet. I have been crying and angry since I found out. I'm suppose to be strong for Ava. I can't nurse her without bursting out into tears. This is my mom. The woman that raised me. She's sick, she's been in pain and I have done nothing to help her. WHY. Why her? That's all I keep thinking about.She's 44 years old, so why my mom? I can't decide which emotion to stick to. They all just keep coming out at once. I don't care that people have to go when it's their time. I don't care that this is the process of life. I'm not ready to not have a mother. I'm not ready to think about Ava growing up without her grandma around. I don't understand how people can be at peace with death. I told myself I wasn't going to question my faith. I wasn't going to blame god. I'm not doing any of that yet, and I'm proud of myself. Everything I believe in, everything I have faith in is slowly going out the window right now. If you are reading this, please do not reach out to me. I just need this time to process things. I was able to have a conversation with a friend this morning. Some how I managed not to cry. I managed to mask my pain. As soon as I got off the phone, the tears fell almost immediately. This feels like a new cut. It still hurts and nowhere close to being healed.

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