It's been a year

Thursday, October 3, 2013
On this day a year ago, I had to say goodbye to Justin. I had to wake up and dread going to sleep that night because I knew when I did, I'd be sleeping alone for nine months. I can't believe how distinct of a memory that day is for me, even though it's been an entire year. It isn't a happy memory for me, in fact I believe I spent that entire day crying. I spent that day gasping for air. My whole world was about to change and I wasn't ready for it. I didn't handle Justin leaving with any type of grace. For the first time in my life I had actual fear in my heart. I questioned my faith and I allowed pessimism to seep in.

You know that quote, "Don't fear, because the things we fear never come to pass"  Truer words have never been said. For a long time (in my mind) deployment meant danger, and I'd say that's accurate considering deployment sends our soldiers off to war. It meant there was a good chance I'd never see my husband again. It meant that the baby I was growing in my womb may never have a chance to meet their father. Deployment meant I had a lot to lose. Little did I know deployment also left me with a lot to gain.

I've gone over this before, but my strength, my faith, my independence were all restored and enriched as a result of being on the home front by myself. I pushed myself more. I had to rely on myself more than I ever have in my life. I loved my husband even more effortlessly and on the days where my frustrations came to a head, I found a way to hash them out with him without having them carry into the next day. So many wonderful, painful, amazing things occurred for me during deployment. Deployment made me, a better me. I will never be that same person I was the day Justin left me. I'm thankful for it.

So yes, most of the things I feared actually never happened. I have zero complaints about that. I'm glad this deployment is behind us. In fact, Justin and I just finished reintegration! We've had to gain back some of our familiarity and sort through our differences, but all in all, we are doing wonderful! Ava is doing wonderful! With Justin still being in the Army, deployment is just a part of the job. Do I think I can handle another deployment? Definitely. Would I want to go through another deployment? Not so much!

I'm just grateful to have my family whole and together. I'm still floored that it's been a year since that first goodbye, put us closer to hello again.

It's amazing how much a year can change things.

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