Today was so bittersweet. I woke up with butterflies/nervous bugs. The feeling you get when something big is about to happen. Graduation or your wedding day, you get the picture. I really hadn't allowed myself to cry, or to think about what moving meant for me. We woke up around 8 a.m. this morning (rental company was arriving at 11) took our time getting ready, got some breakfast, and packed the last of our bags in the car. Victoria was kind enough to take me to get breakfast for Justin and I (car on the dolly), and she was super helpful with helping us clear every room to double check that nothing had been forgotten.

The time really went by so quickly. I left Justin to deal with the rental agency, and Ava bug and I decided to spend our last moments in Georgia, hanging out with Adalin and her mama. Still, things did not feel real about the move. It wasn't until the point that Justin came knocking on her door, summoning his girls to the uhaul did I realize, this is real life. We are leaving, and who knows if we are ever coming back. Wow. I started tearing up, I look over at Victoria, and she was too.

I guess you don't realize how much someone really means to you, until having them around isn't an option anymore. I had a surge of emotions going through me. Here was a woman I had spent 9 months with, praying and hoping that our husbands would return from Afghanistan in one peace. Here was a girl that watched my womb grow, and followed me into labor and delivery. A woman that cooked mac and cheese almost always for a pregnant woman who craved it. Someone who saw me at my worst, and my very best. You can't replace people like that in your life. I'm not even going to try. In Georgia, I found the true meaning of a bond. I found out what makes us Army wives special.

She walked us out to our uhual, and she didn't leave her drive way until we drove away. In those moments my heart sank. I don't think I've ever hugged her that many times in such a short time span. If I learned one thing in this world, home is definitely not your zip code, or the state you live in. Home is where you make it. I never though I'd have such great friendship, and love in Georgia.. Now here I am, bawling like a baby because I didn't want to leave all the relationships I built. I know this goodbye, isn't a goodbye forever, but that hasn't made this process any easier.

This is one aspect of military life that will never ever sit well with me. Moving. I hope Texas knows it has some pretty BIG shoes to fill!

♥- Leilani

It's been a year

On this day a year ago, I had to say goodbye to Justin. I had to wake up and dread going to sleep that night because I knew when I did, I'd be sleeping alone for nine months. I can't believe how distinct of a memory that day is for me, even though it's been an entire year. It isn't a happy memory for me, in fact I believe I spent that entire day crying. I spent that day gasping for air. My whole world was about to change and I wasn't ready for it. I didn't handle Justin leaving with any type of grace. For the first time in my life I had actual fear in my heart. I questioned my faith and I allowed pessimism to seep in.

You know that quote, "Don't fear, because the things we fear never come to pass"  Truer words have never been said. For a long time (in my mind) deployment meant danger, and I'd say that's accurate considering deployment sends our soldiers off to war. It meant there was a good chance I'd never see my husband again. It meant that the baby I was growing in my womb may never have a chance to meet their father. Deployment meant I had a lot to lose. Little did I know deployment also left me with a lot to gain.

I've gone over this before, but my strength, my faith, my independence were all restored and enriched as a result of being on the home front by myself. I pushed myself more. I had to rely on myself more than I ever have in my life. I loved my husband even more effortlessly and on the days where my frustrations came to a head, I found a way to hash them out with him without having them carry into the next day. So many wonderful, painful, amazing things occurred for me during deployment. Deployment made me, a better me. I will never be that same person I was the day Justin left me. I'm thankful for it.

So yes, most of the things I feared actually never happened. I have zero complaints about that. I'm glad this deployment is behind us. In fact, Justin and I just finished reintegration! We've had to gain back some of our familiarity and sort through our differences, but all in all, we are doing wonderful! Ava is doing wonderful! With Justin still being in the Army, deployment is just a part of the job. Do I think I can handle another deployment? Definitely. Would I want to go through another deployment? Not so much!

I'm just grateful to have my family whole and together. I'm still floored that it's been a year since that first goodbye, put us closer to hello again.

It's amazing how much a year can change things.