Wow. Can you believe it's been one full year since Justin returned home from Afghanistan? I sit here this morning, and I'm completely moved by all of the blessings we have received since Justin's deployment ended. Of all the blessing we have received, I am so grateful that Justin was able to experience parenthood with me, and not over Skype calls or videos. I am so grateful that every hard moment we experienced this past year, I was comforted with hugs/kisses and not an email. More than anything, we were just beyond blessed to have our family whole and together. I don't know what it feels like to not have Justin around Ava and I for really long periods of time, and I am so thankful for it.

I can still recall the moments leading up to his homecoming ceremony. I remember being ancy ALL day long. His ceremony wasn't until later in the evening, and I had the worst jitter bugs ever. I had Ava's outfit picked out weeks prior to the day, but I didn't know what I was going to wear. I'm pretty sure I ended up wearing my favorite maternity dress that I wore as often as possible. I was still so exhausted and hot (thank you Georgia weather) from adjusting to a newborn, and the summer heat.

The time passed by so slowly that day, I could not believe that our deployment chapter was finally coming to an end. The moment I had been waiting for since that past October was finally here. I didn't cry as much as I expected myself to, in fact I didn't burst out in tears until I was actually in his arms. I imagine giving birth just eight days prior had a lot to do with my emotions. Since a picture is worth 1,000 words, here is a little scroll from our homecoming experience that I have never shared (photo cred: Victoria Simmons).

We didn't see him right away, in fact I'm pretty sure he responded to his name being called out. That first moment you see your soldier is something completely indescribable. Your fears cease within that  moment. Your worries, your pessimism, all of those things cease to exist. All I felt was an overflow of relief and happiness. I felt so many things at one time, I'm sure that's why I started crying. I just held him so tightly. I didn't let go for a couple of minutes. He let me sob on his shoulder, and that moment was really just perfect. Following that, was the first time Ava was in Justin's arms. I could tell he was nervous, especially since Ava bug started crying for a feeding shortly after. One of the first things he said when he saw her was, "I can't believe how small she is."

Reuniting with Justin after an (almost) nine month deployment will always be a defining moment in our marriage. It was truly a test of love and faith for us, and we came out on top. 

This past year of my life has been the most incredible year I have ever experienced. You guys have no idea how thankful I am that I get to write a post like this. The downside of deployments are when the soldier's and their families don't get happy endings like this. I am grateful to live in a country where our men and women who serve in the armed forces risk their lives for our freedom. They fight for this country, and I am forever indebted to not only those serving, but the fallen as well. My prayers are always with those who are deployed, and their families that are left on the home front. We are the land of the free because of the brave, and I will never take that for granted. Happy Memorial day to our fallen Veterans, and our current Veterans. You truly are gems placed on this earth and my family is so grateful for you! 

Happy Sunday all! 

♥- Leilani

It's been a year

On this day a year ago, I had to say goodbye to Justin. I had to wake up and dread going to sleep that night because I knew when I did, I'd be sleeping alone for nine months. I can't believe how distinct of a memory that day is for me, even though it's been an entire year. It isn't a happy memory for me, in fact I believe I spent that entire day crying. I spent that day gasping for air. My whole world was about to change and I wasn't ready for it. I didn't handle Justin leaving with any type of grace. For the first time in my life I had actual fear in my heart. I questioned my faith and I allowed pessimism to seep in.

You know that quote, "Don't fear, because the things we fear never come to pass"  Truer words have never been said. For a long time (in my mind) deployment meant danger, and I'd say that's accurate considering deployment sends our soldiers off to war. It meant there was a good chance I'd never see my husband again. It meant that the baby I was growing in my womb may never have a chance to meet their father. Deployment meant I had a lot to lose. Little did I know deployment also left me with a lot to gain.

I've gone over this before, but my strength, my faith, my independence were all restored and enriched as a result of being on the home front by myself. I pushed myself more. I had to rely on myself more than I ever have in my life. I loved my husband even more effortlessly and on the days where my frustrations came to a head, I found a way to hash them out with him without having them carry into the next day. So many wonderful, painful, amazing things occurred for me during deployment. Deployment made me, a better me. I will never be that same person I was the day Justin left me. I'm thankful for it.

So yes, most of the things I feared actually never happened. I have zero complaints about that. I'm glad this deployment is behind us. In fact, Justin and I just finished reintegration! We've had to gain back some of our familiarity and sort through our differences, but all in all, we are doing wonderful! Ava is doing wonderful! With Justin still being in the Army, deployment is just a part of the job. Do I think I can handle another deployment? Definitely. Would I want to go through another deployment? Not so much!

I'm just grateful to have my family whole and together. I'm still floored that it's been a year since that first goodbye, put us closer to hello again.

It's amazing how much a year can change things.

Next Time!

I've been thinking about this past year and all that has changed in my life. Now that deployment has been over for almost three whole months, everything is different. Not just with my family, or Justin, or marriage. Friends as well. You realize how much you have to depend on complete strangers when you choose to stay at your spouse's duty station. Those strangers become your friends (most times) and your life lines throughout the duration of deployment. Then, things change. It really is the inevitable. Once your spouse comes home from deployment, you no longer need those friends, those life lines, the same way you did before. I had a lengthy conversation with a wife who is still going through a deployment. She mentioned to me how she felt like these "friends" that she has made, have become fillers for her. It's kind of sad to think of human beings that way. This got me thinking a lot about what I'm going to do the next time Justin deploys. I have already started up a list (I really hope this isn't going to be anytime soon)

1. I WILL BE MOVING BACK TO MY HOME TOWN FOR THE ENTIRE DURATION OF DEPLOYMENT
2. I WILL BE BETTER ABOUT LETTING MY FAMILY BE THERE FOR ME EMOTIONALLY
3. I WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO CLOSE IN. I WILL GET OUT AT LEAST ONCE A DAY (especially with Ava, I can't be some Debbie Downer)
4. I WILL FIND A MORE FREQUENT HOBBY. STAYING BUSY. STAYING HEALTHY. MIND BODY AND SOUL. 

That's all I've got for now. I really don't know what has caused me to write about a next deployment when I'm barely out of the reintegration phase with this past deployment. Being proactive I guess. Going home is on my mind as of late. To think I will be home in a month is just too exciting. It's been over two years. I can't wait to see all my childhood friends, my family. I'm just SO ready. I'm so bummed Justin won't be joining us, but I plan on bringing him back some North West goodies! Well I'm off for now! The Mr. and I have made some work out plans to bring my "Sexy back" LOL his words, not mine! He's such a character. 

Never Alone

Here lately I find myself replaying the day Justin left for deployment in my head. I know it's probably not the happiest moment to think about, but it's the day that brought us one day closer to hello. I remember waking up that morning and trying to make the time go by slower. Justin took his time getting out of bed, getting breakfast, and getting dressed. After our cuddle time, he made sure to cuddle his little boy ! 

Even though we tried to slow time down, it seemed like he had to be at the company before we knew it. I thought I was just going to drop him off, say my goodbyes and bawl in the car. That did not happen. I was able to stay with him until he had to leave.

The goodbye was so much worse for me because it was drug out. We had hours together before he actually left and that's what really broke me. It didn't feel real, but when it did, I couldn't hold my back my sobs. Within those tears were fear of the unknown. Not knowing if he'd be safe, not knowing if we'd ever see each other again.  A million of those thoughts raced through my mind at once. The last vivid thing I can recall is Justin holding me, like bear tight holding me. He was kissing my face, wiping my tears, just saying everything was going to be okay. It was kind of a blur because I could feel my face burning, everywhere I looked people were crying, holding their loved ones, it was just sadness all around. 

I won't forgot my breaking point. He kissed me before he was called to that final formation, He said "I'll hug you before we have to go" Justin had given me 1,000 hugs that day, but for some reason I still wanted that final contact between us.

During his formation, I waited patiently on the side of his company. When it was over, he couldn't come back. He had to follow orders and go to their destination. My chest tightened. I felt weak and I remember girls coming over to help me stand up. I kept saying, "he didn't come back, he didn't hug me goodbye". So many people kept telling me to calm down. They kept saying "You're pregnant, think about your baby." When I did catch my breath, thinking about my unborn emby (embryo) in my womb was the only thing that calmed me down. On the way to the car I pulled a handwritten letter out of my purse. Right before that last formation, Justin gave me the letter he wrote that morning. We both exchanged letters the day he left.  

My tears were momentarily replaced with laughter after I read his beautiful words. It was exactly what I needed. There have been many times I've gone back and read this letter and instantly felt better. He was able to text me that entire night until about midnight. When communication became scarce that's when I started to feel uneasy again. The next morning while walking on the track on post, Justin called me and let me know he made it safely out of the country. It was a 10 minute phone call that cost us $40.00 ! It was well worth it. Knowing he'd made it safely and he was still safe at that point was reassuring and put my mind at ease for the time being. When he left our baby was 7 weeks 1 day.

AND NOW:

our little girl is 5 lbs and full term as of today ! I keep thinking back to that first day we said goodbye and looking at how far we've come. It won't be much longer until we're reunited and a family again. If I blog about this often here lately, you'll have to excuse me. This is where my joy is. Awaiting the days until Ava is here and just thinking about Justin coming back to me. I just wanted to share that day with all my readers. It was a tough one, but wait, how does that saying go? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Amen to that.  

22 days

there are no words to describe exactly what I am feeling at this moment. This month I will be meeting Ava. My pregnancy journey is closing in and motherhood is just around the corner. I thought i'd continue to be nervous about having my child tangibly here. For some reason I feel a sense of calmness this morning. Like when she gets here, my mommy gears will be in full drive and I'll know what to do once I see her face and hear her first cries. Deployment is also closing in on us. I cannot wait to have my arms around Justin. I'm ready for relief, joy, and overwhelming happiness to submerge. I don't think I could map into words what the experience over the last 8 months has been like for me. I have more of an appreciation for life and I'm thankful that I can take something so positive away from this. tomorrow I will be 37 weeks pregnant ! A full term baby I'll be having. I had a growth scan done yesterday and miss Ava is sitting at around 5 lbs. Definitely still on the smaller side. So small that the doctors are still opting for an induction. A big chunk of me is saddened by not having a natural labor. I know a lot of women enjoy induction, aside from knowing your baby will be arriving shortly, I don't really see the excitement or naturalness of induction. I know some women are unable to experience natural labor due to medical reasons posing a threat to them or their baby, in which case any type of labor would be acceptable to me. But for me to willingly want an induction is ludicrous. I am one tough cookie. I don't want Ava coming into the world with a drugged up mama. There are some many books and studies available for us to read today. Our country is seriously doing something wrong. I personally think it's due in large part to such a dependency on modern medications and technology. Mothers are becoming lazy and not relying on what their bodies are built to accomplish. Let me end that rant, it's a controversial issue and May is not going to be that type of month.

THINGS I HAVE LEFT TO DO

1. buy more newborn clothes for my small sprout baby
2. buy summer clothes for block leave in New York
3. get the windshield on the car replaced 
4. get tags for the car renewed
5. finish writing up labor plan
6. finish prepping Ava's cloth diapers
7. Do one final and thorough wipe down of the entire house before Ava is ready to come home
8. get my car detailed
9.  finish reading heading home with your newborn, from birth to reality
10. remember to pace myself and take it easy

I feel like these next two weeks are going to go by fairly quickly. I'm excited to write about my labor and delivery experience and hope to get that out as soon as I'm home with my baby girl and have a minute to update my readers :) I hope everyone is prepping for summer ! It's going to be a good one ;) 

3 weeks

It's 5 a.m. and instead of sleeping I am up snacking on leftover macaroni and cheese. It's true what they say about pregnancy cravings, when you are craving something, it's best to just go get it ! I laid in bed for about ten minutes thinking about it before I actually got up. I bet you're probably wondering why I'm even up this early, right ? The answer would be my husband. Needs of the Army was the reason for a 4 a.m. call. I have to say his dedication to his Army goals are such a motivation for me. He never complains, even when he faces really hard days. He doesn't make excuses for short comings and he strives to be better every single day. I really hope our daughter carries on some of those strong characteristics.

Speaking of which, I'm 36 weeks pregnant today and I'm three weeks away from the induction date my o.b. gave me. I have another growth scan for Miss Ava in just 5 days, I'm anxious to see how much bigger she's gotten. I've been thinking a lot about my pregnancy this past week. I keep coming to the thoughts of how miraculous this journey has been. Pregnancy is the most natural feeling I have ever felt. A few things I haven't listed on my blog that I've done during my pregnancy that have been really great milestone reminders are:

• downloading the baby center pregnancy app for weekly updates
• maternity photos
• writing letters to Ava

As promised, here are a few photos from my maternity session:

Photo Credit: http://www.victoriasimmonsphotography.com/

My three main goals these next few weeks are: 

• small work out regiments. I walked 1.17 miles yesterday and did a few reps in the weight room. I want to tighten and prep my body for labor the best I can.
• redeployment is coming up ! taking the necessary steps to help for a smooth home coming for Justin. 
• NO STRESS. I can't even stress this enough, ha ha. I made a funny, but seriously no stress. I have some final decisions to make about my L & D plans but other than that, I'm trying SO HARD to keep my stress levels down. 

Alright, It's now 5:30 a.m. I need to get back to sleep. It's just been awhile since I've updated so I thought when falling back asleep seems impossible what better way to use my time than to blog ? Have a Fabulous Thursday blog readers !

Kicking deployment's butt !

We are currently sitting at the tail end of deployment and my emotions are ALL over the place. I'm nervous, I'm excited, I'm sensitive, the list could go on. This post is pregnancy aside, strictly my feelings and my thoughts about reintegrating with Justin and deployment in general. This entire deployment has been such a learning experience for me and for my marriage. We had to learn how to communicate efficiently with 7,000 miles sitting between us. We had to learn how to communicate without Justin being able to disclose his everyday duties or situations where he could have potentially been in harms way. And we had to find a way to communicate on Justin's bad days. It's not easy talking to a grumpy soldier! Justin is my best friend and we serve as each other's outlets. Having this road block between us really made me feel frustrated and helpless. I've never had an issue with Justin not being able to open up to me about what's going on.

It was a hard thing to work through the first few weeks of deployment, but we did it ! I had to give myself an attitude adjustment and instead of pushing the issues that deployment didn't allow for me to be included in, I decided to change the trend of conversation. I still ask how he's doing, if he slept well, things like that. I'm a Bubbly Barbara ! Optimism included. So I talk about things I know Justin will beam over ! Our little Ava, our marriage and how much we've grown, what we miss most about each other, what we have learned to appreciate most about each other, what we've learned from the time apart, etc. 

The answers I have received from him over the last few months have been remarkable. It's bittersweet what deployment can do for a relationship. I am even more grateful for the person I married, more appreciative of communication, and I realize how valuable time really is. I think the thought of him coming home isn't going to feel real until the day I'm on that field waiting to run out to him. I know we are going to be facing some new changes when he comes home. Our daughter being the most dramatic! Justin coming home to a house he has yet to live in, and readjusting to the fact that I've been keeping track of everything on my own and I've gotten good at it. Other than that, I'm curious to see what other challenges this process is going to present. I know we both can't wait to just cuddle our newborn and one another. I also can't wait for these bricks of deployment worry to be off my chest.

**I have a new appreciation for all the military spouses throughout our nation and the sacrifices a lot of us make**

Bare.

Writing out how I feel is my mental asylum. As much as I try not to unleash built up emotions and frustration, somehow my thoughts have a way of forming words and here I am. I'm looking at my calendar and I realize it's been about six months since I last saw Justin. With this in my mind, I just allowed myself to let the warm tears from my eyes, fall down my face. I don't know how to box how I'm feeling. I know I'm angry. I know I'm hurting. I know that someone is missing. This is the most bitter aspect of deployment. Your life still goes on even with your husband's absence. Handling things myself have become familiar, I have a routine. Being alone in a day is normal to me. But this isn't normal and I'm not okay with it. I guess this is why I get so frustrated with women who "love" Army life. What is so amazing about being challenged emotionally and mentally for an extended amount of time?  Some days I don't even know where my strength comes from, more than likely my faith I'm sure. Sometimes I just wish the days would come and go quickly. I've never been at a point in my life where three-fourths of me is overjoyed with happiness and one-fourth, one painful fourth of me is so hurt and fragile. I need Justin. I don't care if that sounds weak or out of character. He is my missing puzzle piece. you can't have a finished product and be content without all the pieces in tact. I know these thoughts won't go away until we're reunited. I just get so tired of my strong face. I feel alone in this. My family, a great deal of my friends, and Justin can't even being to relate to the toll deployment is taking on me. At times I wish I was the soldier. Granted he's away too, but he's focused on his mission. He's focused on staying alive. Some days I talk to Justin and he's completely exhausted. I don't know how he has the time to phone me, let alone have time to let his thoughts carry him away like I do. I'm hanging on by more than just threads, I commend myself for that. My sweet baby girl, god love her, If not for my pregnancy with Ava, I don't how I would be dealing with this separation as gracefully as I have been. She's given me a deeper purpose in my life. And all my happiness in this world is reflected from her. I'm patiently waiting for the day to come when deployment becomes a distance blur. Until then I guess writing out these bare, honest feelings will have to suffice.

Waiting on the love of a travelin' soldier

I miss him. I miss him to the point that it physically pains me to say that out loud. I never realized how much I needed my husband, until his being here wasn't an option. Granted we haven't had a nasty fight since he's been overseas. But all I can think about are all the stupid things I did when he was home. Complaining about things that didn't matter the next day. I don't know when I'm going to see him. I don't know when he's going to see his daughter for the first time. It hurts not to know. I don't know if he's safe the days we go without talking. I don't know if he's warm, or if he needs my hugs or my kisses. I'm in an extremely helpless position. All I wish I could do is keep him safe and I can't do that. I find myself getting angry when I log onto Facebook, when I see a couple fighting in the grocery store parking lot, or when a friend decides they need to vent to me. All these people have the person they love right in front of them. Instead of cherishing that time, they're fighting, they're hurting each other, they are taking each other for granted. And i'm just here thinking I would give everything I own, I would give ever single last dime to my name, just to have Justin home. His squad, his company, his brigade. Everyone. Deployment is a bitter sweet experience for a lot of things. The most distinct of all of them is realizing life is about more than money. It's about more than materialistic things, more than your "image" or how much you weigh on a scale. It's about appreciating what you have RIGHT NOW. making the most of what you have, bettering what you have. Tending to your relationships, building them up, making them stronger. Focusing your energy on things that will always matter, not things that will never matter. Spending our time on earth loving more, and hating less. There are only two things in the world that I want right now. I want to be able to survive deployment seeing my husband at the end of a field, hands clammy from the anticipation, I don't care who else is there to welcome him home. In laws, my family, the mail man ! I just want to be able to rush to him with our little girl healthy as can be in my arms and having a weight lifted off my shoulders the first time he holds her and kisses her. In that moment I will have finally felt what I spent months praying for.  My family is now whole.

Sometimes NOT knowing is better !

A friend and I were talking about deployment and OPSEC and it's significance. It really got me thinking about how OPSEC has played a role with my husband and I since he deployed. Since Justin left, I have noticed he is more along the lines of being a closed book. It's not something I'm used to because we have very open communication lines between the two of us. I've noticed that when he calls, emails, or writes me on facebook, work is the last thing he wants to discuss. When he does mention "work" he is brief and very non-descriptive. In the beginning of the deployment I attempted to ask questions and dig a little deeper but he would not budge on giving me any insight. Initially this was extremely frustrating for me and then after talking to a couple trusted "veteran wives" ( As far as dealing with deployments) I just came to terms with OPSEC being a part of his job. I may be his wife, but by him keeping me uninformed about things that are occurring with "work" he's being the soldier he is suppose to be. He's being a good soldier. He is also keeping me from a world of worry. Being pregnant I already have a tendency to be irrational when it comes to my husband's safety. It takes ONE slip up by ONE soldier for coming home dates to get pushed back, for the safety of a soldier or possibly a soldier's family to be compromised. So many bad outcomes can occur from soldier's NOT keeping a closed lid about their where abouts and "work" So I commend my husband. It's not easy to keep things from your spouse or your family. But that is what is asked of our soldiers when need be. OPSEC can save lives, I know that seems extreme, but bottom line is it's true. I wish every single soldier could comply with all that is expected of them.

Army, Deployment, Pregnancy

I originally created this blog as an outlet for my deployment emotions. Shockingly I have done much better with the distance and deployment worries than I ever imagined. So i though i'd do a little update for all my family, friends and fellow bloggers.

ARMY- A lot of you already know that due to the needs of the Army, and my husband's most current reenlistment, we are headed to Fort Hood. From my research it's a HUGE installation, and it's a cavalry division. Which is better for my husband's career. Although our move will be a little bittersweet, ( leaving my deployment buddies behind) I know this new move will be a good move for our family.

DEPLOYMENT- We got some not so happy news from my husband's brigade; He will not be home for the birth of our daughter. We knew this was a big possibility before he left. To my surprise, I had never had high hopes that they would bring him home, so it wasn't a big shocker. My husband is REALLY bummed about everything, but I plan to do everything on my part to make sure that he is apart of the experience, even in his physical absence.

PREGNANCY- I am really close to starting my 3rd trimester, and other than the GI problems I have been having here lately, I feel and look great (in my opinion) I'm enjoying my bump ! I'm enjoying being able to confidently shop for Ava with minimum worries in my mind. I have even finished my cloth diapering stash.

I am MUCH more confident about cloth diapering, cloth wipes, and breast feeding than I was in the start of my pregnancy. Ultimately, every decision I make is beneficial to her being healthy, our finances, and the environment. I have definitely had a "mommy switch" ignite in me ! 

One thing that I have really embraced through Army life, Deployment, and Pregnancy are the things we come to fear, never come to pass. I think that quote alone has gotten me through the times I thought i'd never come out on top during.

The rewards of doing for others

Today was a pretty decent day. I went bowling for the first time in over 2 years. I got to spend some time with a couple of sweet gals, and their kiddos. Today was also the anniversary of one of the couples in my husband's company. Due to deployment there are a lot of holidays, milestones, and other special occasions that our men miss out on. In light of keeping spirits high, and smiles bright, i decided to have a cute little celebration for this wife, and her husband in his absence. They are HUGE patriot fans, and they were married on the day of the Superbowl  i believe. So i got her this:

                                           

                              

Seeing how appreciative she was, and grateful. Made my heart just warm right up. I always get more, from giving to other people, than i could ever get from receiving. I happened to have bowled my BEST game in my entire life, and ironically it occurs while my husband is gone.  & i forgot how fond i was of bowling shoes:

But none the less it was still a blast. We hit another milestone with the start of February. Another month of deployment DOWN. Yes, i have no complaints today.