The inevitable has occurred, and Justin is leaving again... This time he'll be grading the training of soldiers down at NTC, but I'm still pretty emotional about it. I've always been pretty supportive and accepting of the fact that I married a soldier, and I know he has a job to do. This means he isn't always going to be home, his time with family is precious (because it can be so limited), and this is what the job entails. I guess going through seven weeks of ALC really messed me up with distance. The ironic thing is that we've gone much longer. 8 months much longer. I'm not sure if it's just because we have Ava bug or what. I just know that ever since I found out about him leaving, I've been really emotional about it. The positive side is, he won't be gone a month or longer, he won't be missing any holidays/birthdays/celebrations, and he'll be back in the month of July!
While he's gone the only thing(s) he will really be missing out on are my NT ultrasound (they don't disclose photos or gender predictions anyways), Ava's check up next week, and a trip down to Oregon to visit with good friends of ours. I know he's pretty bummed about all three. Any chance to see our budding bean is exciting for him, and he always loves tagging along to Ava's check up appointments if he can. He always has his own set of questions for her Pediatrician. It's pretty sweet. Visiting friends in Oregon will be an option when he comes back as well, so I know he's not overly bummed about what will be occurring in his absence.
This time around we decided to make a good amount of videos for Ava bug when Justin leaves. Last time we did a bunch of recordings, but I think seeing daddy's face will make it even better. Ava doesn't do well with the distance when Justin leaves. Back in April, she got super upset every time they had to get off the phone or facetime, and it pretty much broke my heart to watch my baby get so distraught. I really plan on keeping us busy, busy, busy while our favorite guy is away. I'm hoping this morning sickness tapers off so I can be full of more energy than I am now. I know keeping up with her, the house, and school are going to be some major challenges in the weeks to come. I haven't had to do this all by myself for a while since we found out we were expecting. I'm a little nervous, but I have a good support system and helping hands in Justin's absence.
Hopefully with a little more free time on my hands, you'll see more blogs from me. I've been doing a lot of DIY stuff around the house (when I can), and I'd love to share some of those projects with you. I've used some new recipes, added to Ava's large book collection, AND found some cute stuff to do for our little miracle bean as well. I have even taken a leap and decided to try sewing for the first time in my life.. well the second time. The first time was in home ec, and I failed miserably.
Happy Sunday all!
♥- Leilani
He's leaving
Sunday, July 5, 2015
Thursday, April 3, 2014
I realized today that I have been back in Washington for almost three months. In that time I haven't seen or hung out with more than half the people that I expected to. Nothing is like it was when I lived here four years ago. That was to be expected because I am not the same. The crazy thing about being in a place where I have friends and family, is that I'm actually hanging out with more Army wives. I never in a million years though I'd still want to be apart of the military spouse community once I came home. Truth is, they really are the only people that understand what I'm going through. Don't get me wrong (most) of my family and friends are really supportive and considerate, but they just don't get the situation I'm in because they aren't going through it.
Fort Lewis has shown me some pretty great women so far. It's nice because Ava has a good variety of littles to play with. That's another big difference for me. Coming home, a lot of my friends don't have babies. I'm not saying that's an issue, but the dynamics of my friendships are different. I'm not a club hopper anymore. I don't stay out till midnight, I don't drink and get drunk. An outing is based off of Ava's mood or schedule. That's definitely not always easy to work around. The most obvious difference marriage, is another biggy. I just turned twenty-three years old, and I've been married for over three years. Where I'm from, that's not very common. I guess I didn't take the time to realize, just how I changed, so did the people in Washington. Me moving to Georgia didn't mean that their lives stopped. It kind of feels like they are so used to me being gone, It hasn't really made that huge of an impact with me moving back.
The reason we are here is so I can help take care of my mom while she battles pulmonary hypertension. If it wasn't for my mama being sick, I don't think we'd have come back to Washington in just three years. I try to keep that as my focus. My mother is dying, and she needs us now. She's gotten really bad since I've been home, and I'm actually really worried about her. We got into a disagreement so I haven't talked to her in a few days, I honestly hate that. I know she's my mom, but I'm pretty protective of her.
Seeing how things are in Washington, makes me more willing to relocate. I'm not saying I want to, but if I had to leave again, I don't think it'd bother me as much this time. I know how to make friends, and I know how to adjust to new surroundings. I highly doubt Justin will be reenlisting again, but if he did, I'm glad I feel this way.
♥- Leilani
Fort Lewis has shown me some pretty great women so far. It's nice because Ava has a good variety of littles to play with. That's another big difference for me. Coming home, a lot of my friends don't have babies. I'm not saying that's an issue, but the dynamics of my friendships are different. I'm not a club hopper anymore. I don't stay out till midnight, I don't drink and get drunk. An outing is based off of Ava's mood or schedule. That's definitely not always easy to work around. The most obvious difference marriage, is another biggy. I just turned twenty-three years old, and I've been married for over three years. Where I'm from, that's not very common. I guess I didn't take the time to realize, just how I changed, so did the people in Washington. Me moving to Georgia didn't mean that their lives stopped. It kind of feels like they are so used to me being gone, It hasn't really made that huge of an impact with me moving back.
The reason we are here is so I can help take care of my mom while she battles pulmonary hypertension. If it wasn't for my mama being sick, I don't think we'd have come back to Washington in just three years. I try to keep that as my focus. My mother is dying, and she needs us now. She's gotten really bad since I've been home, and I'm actually really worried about her. We got into a disagreement so I haven't talked to her in a few days, I honestly hate that. I know she's my mom, but I'm pretty protective of her.
Seeing how things are in Washington, makes me more willing to relocate. I'm not saying I want to, but if I had to leave again, I don't think it'd bother me as much this time. I know how to make friends, and I know how to adjust to new surroundings. I highly doubt Justin will be reenlisting again, but if he did, I'm glad I feel this way.
♥- Leilani
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Most of you guys know that Justin is home! He surprised us late Saturday evening, and I am so glad to have my honey back. I couldn't help but feel a whirlwind of emotions seeing him hold Ava. He was only gone a couple of weeks (and some change), but it felt like so much longer. I don't think it's fitting to say I was a single parent, but I was definitely doing all of "the work" by myself. I have never had to experience the baby workload without daddy around. Although I got through it just fine, some things were harder. It's during times like this, that I'm reminded what kind of sacrifice goes into being married to a service member. The time apart is definitely the worst part of it all. He's been home over 48 hours now, and it's safe to say things are back to normal. Ava took right to daddy just fine. I don't know why, but I had this complex about her not being familiar with him, when he got back home. Thank goodness, we didn't have any issues like that, but there was always a possibility of something like that happening. Since returning, Justin insists on doing everything for Ava bug. Waking up in the morning, I didn't have to get out of bed, daddy had her. Feeding her breakfast, lunch, snacks, dinner, you name it, daddy did it. He even decided to bath her and get her ready for bed all by himself. Before he left, I was still co-showering, so he didn't really help a whole lot with the bathing process. During the day, he randomly picks her up and gives Bug about a zillion kisses before he leaves a room. I think it's safe to say, he missed his little girl. Last night, I took about a million photos of my two love bug's together. I got this picture of Justin and Ava dancing. Her little toes were on Justin's feet. I just started bawling. I'm just glad we are all together again for a little while. I can't believe we have to do this all over again next month. I'm grateful that Justin will be local, and hopefully home every night.
Happy Tuesday all!
♥- Leilani
Ava dancing on daddy's toes.
Happy Tuesday all!
♥- Leilani
Thursday, March 6, 2014
I really like having all this extra time on my hands to sit down and blog. You have no idea how many drafts I'll start, but totally space on because I don't have the time to finish them. This past week has been filled with some crazy strong emotions.. these emotions are not my own, they are my husband's. I know how much Justin loves Ava, but I never imagined that him being in the field would cause him to get so upset. Since Ava was eight days old he's been home with us pretty much every single day (like normal people). Justin was the first person to see Ava bug roll over, he was the first person to feed her solid foods, and he was the first person to see her crawl. He's been present for all of her milestones, and we are so grateful for that. I think this time away is really hitting him hard. Although Ava hasn't hit any new milestones since he left, he isn't around her at all. He hasn't been able to kiss her goodnight, or give her vitamin d (that's daddy's job). He hasn't been able to play on the floor or tickle her little toes.
I find myself emailing him videos, sending about fifteen photos a day, and talking as frequently as his schedule will allow. Whenever Ava sees her daddy's face, she lights up. I know she probably doesn't understand that daddy is gone, but she definitely knows who her daddy is. Sometimes, I'll put the phone to her ear, and she can hear Justin telling her how much he loves her. That breaks my heart. Ava starts going crazy and saying "Da Da" She knows his voice and face, and it really is a joy to see the connection they have. The sacrifice of being married to someone in the service continues. It was one thing for me to sacrifice time with my husband, it's a completely different story when it's my child who has to sacrifice. I am starting to gain some clarity with Justin's decision to get out of the Army. Each time I think about it, I start to get even more comfortable with the idea of Justin doing anything else.
He gave me a scenario that he never wants to face. He said, "If I were to stay in the Army, I'd always be gone. I'd have to leave, and miss out on so much. It breaks my heart thinking about that phone call I'd have to have with Ava." Ava would say, "Daddy, why aren't you home? Who's going to get the monsters under my bed daddy?" I waited until we got off the phone to cry. I couldn't believe he said that. My husband is such a great father, and the fact that he's willing to change his entire career path for the sake of being with his family, there are no words. Stability is definitely important, but the Army isn't the only way to have that. It's so important for our family to spend as much time together as possible. I can only imagine how Justin is going to be when he comes home from the field. I bet he won't want to put her down. The sad thing is, after he returns from the field, he'll be leaving us for another month. The bonus this time? He'll be home for the weekends.
Moving forward, I hope two years from now, my husband is a civilian. I don't want any future Howland kiddos to miss out on time with their daddy. I don't want Justin to miss another pregnancy, I don't want Ava to have to lose anymore time with her dad. I know in the grand scheme of things, a lot of military kids probably lose out on even more time with their parents than Ava, but time lost is still time lost. I can't wait to have him home. I know he's out there "safe" and just training, but this feels too much like deployment for me. Alright, I'm done being a sad sap! I turn 23 tomorrow, and I plan on living it up.. Well one glass of wine, and a slice of red velvet cake would be my definition of that.
If you're a Washingtonian, PLEASE drive safe and stay dry.
♥- Leilani
I find myself emailing him videos, sending about fifteen photos a day, and talking as frequently as his schedule will allow. Whenever Ava sees her daddy's face, she lights up. I know she probably doesn't understand that daddy is gone, but she definitely knows who her daddy is. Sometimes, I'll put the phone to her ear, and she can hear Justin telling her how much he loves her. That breaks my heart. Ava starts going crazy and saying "Da Da" She knows his voice and face, and it really is a joy to see the connection they have. The sacrifice of being married to someone in the service continues. It was one thing for me to sacrifice time with my husband, it's a completely different story when it's my child who has to sacrifice. I am starting to gain some clarity with Justin's decision to get out of the Army. Each time I think about it, I start to get even more comfortable with the idea of Justin doing anything else.
He gave me a scenario that he never wants to face. He said, "If I were to stay in the Army, I'd always be gone. I'd have to leave, and miss out on so much. It breaks my heart thinking about that phone call I'd have to have with Ava." Ava would say, "Daddy, why aren't you home? Who's going to get the monsters under my bed daddy?" I waited until we got off the phone to cry. I couldn't believe he said that. My husband is such a great father, and the fact that he's willing to change his entire career path for the sake of being with his family, there are no words. Stability is definitely important, but the Army isn't the only way to have that. It's so important for our family to spend as much time together as possible. I can only imagine how Justin is going to be when he comes home from the field. I bet he won't want to put her down. The sad thing is, after he returns from the field, he'll be leaving us for another month. The bonus this time? He'll be home for the weekends.
Moving forward, I hope two years from now, my husband is a civilian. I don't want any future Howland kiddos to miss out on time with their daddy. I don't want Justin to miss another pregnancy, I don't want Ava to have to lose anymore time with her dad. I know in the grand scheme of things, a lot of military kids probably lose out on even more time with their parents than Ava, but time lost is still time lost. I can't wait to have him home. I know he's out there "safe" and just training, but this feels too much like deployment for me. Alright, I'm done being a sad sap! I turn 23 tomorrow, and I plan on living it up.. Well one glass of wine, and a slice of red velvet cake would be my definition of that.
I can't wait until Daddy is home to read Ava her daily story.
Happy Thursday all!
If you're a Washingtonian, PLEASE drive safe and stay dry.
♥- Leilani
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
These last couple of months have felt like such a dream with all the time Justin has been able to stay at home. Today, that dream ended, and full blown reality is now a go. Justin called me this afternoon to let me know that he will be heading off to training as soon as he is done with in processing, and shortly after that he'll be heading off to a learning school for his promotion he received this past summer. Now, before I go any further, I want you all to know this is indeed a rant, and I am indeed being a bit selfish. We have gotten extremely comfortable with Justin being home so much, and I hate that it had to come to an end. This is the Army life we live in though. I will say even with our impending separation there are some definite pros for Justin and for his two girls.
Pros for Ava bug and I
Pros for Justin
So we've definitely got some great positives to this situation. I'm pretty excited to see what the families in this unit are like. I wasn't going to dabble with the FRG this time around, but I'd like to (at the very least) stay in the loop about training dates and company events. Apparently this FRG is nothing like the normal. Women don't try to wear their husband's rank, and the gossip is shunned, not encouraged. That's always a plus in my book. Previous experiences have caused me to approach with caution, so I really don't have expectations.
A few bonus points for Justin would be the facility his unit is located in. Fairly new, upstairs/downstairs, TA50 lockers, showers, and a small workout area. When I heard that his Army gear wouldn't be taking up the garage, our room, or the cars anymore, I was elated. I think it's great that he'll have what he needs on hand at the company all the time. The second thing I loved was the shower and gym right there at the company. Since Justin can't come home for lunch anyways, he won't have to go far to get a workout in or get washed off. Aside from spending time apart this installation seems 100000000 times better than the last one. Hopefully, a month in, he'll feel the same way.
Well I'm off all. Hopefully while Justin is away, I'll find something productive to do. For now, I'm spending each minute I can with my lover and our bug. Happy Tuesday all!
♥- Leilani
Pros for Ava bug and I
- Family and friends are near by to keep us company
- I am completely familiar with the area I live in
- There are more than enough activities nearby that are baby geared to keep Ava growing and busy
Pros for Justin
- He enjoys gunnery
- he doesn't have to worry about me needing help
- he doesn't have to worry about me being alone in a foreign state
- This is a good way to get to know the soldier's in his unit
So we've definitely got some great positives to this situation. I'm pretty excited to see what the families in this unit are like. I wasn't going to dabble with the FRG this time around, but I'd like to (at the very least) stay in the loop about training dates and company events. Apparently this FRG is nothing like the normal. Women don't try to wear their husband's rank, and the gossip is shunned, not encouraged. That's always a plus in my book. Previous experiences have caused me to approach with caution, so I really don't have expectations.
A few bonus points for Justin would be the facility his unit is located in. Fairly new, upstairs/downstairs, TA50 lockers, showers, and a small workout area. When I heard that his Army gear wouldn't be taking up the garage, our room, or the cars anymore, I was elated. I think it's great that he'll have what he needs on hand at the company all the time. The second thing I loved was the shower and gym right there at the company. Since Justin can't come home for lunch anyways, he won't have to go far to get a workout in or get washed off. Aside from spending time apart this installation seems 100000000 times better than the last one. Hopefully, a month in, he'll feel the same way.
Well I'm off all. Hopefully while Justin is away, I'll find something productive to do. For now, I'm spending each minute I can with my lover and our bug. Happy Tuesday all!
♥- Leilani
Monday, November 11, 2013
BEFORE I POST ANYTHING.. I want to say, thank you. I am so thankful for our military members and the freedoms they allow us. I am completely humbled to be apart of the military community, and I will remain forever grateful for the sacrifices they have made. I want to give a special thanks to my husband; five years and two combat tours later, he's still just as proud to be serving such a great nation.
I realized due to the long weekend, I have been slacking on the daily thank yous. Here they are!
Day 9 - I am thankful I know how to love, and accept love in return.
Day 10 - I am thankful for my marriage. I have never been so selfless in my life.
Day 11- I am thankful for my pup, Cooper. He has taught me how to get dirty, and like it (sometimes)
This weekend has been a busy one! Between cleaning this house out, and getting Ava adjusted to new changes, I have barely had a moment of free time. I made a video of the past 5 (almost six) months of Ava's life. I wanted to share that with all of you, I hope it warms your heart, as much as it does mine.
I realized due to the long weekend, I have been slacking on the daily thank yous. Here they are!
Day 9 - I am thankful I know how to love, and accept love in return.
Day 10 - I am thankful for my marriage. I have never been so selfless in my life.
Day 11- I am thankful for my pup, Cooper. He has taught me how to get dirty, and like it (sometimes)
This weekend has been a busy one! Between cleaning this house out, and getting Ava adjusted to new changes, I have barely had a moment of free time. I made a video of the past 5 (almost six) months of Ava's life. I wanted to share that with all of you, I hope it warms your heart, as much as it does mine.
If you watched it, you'll see Ava took no time warming up to her highchair, bowls, or spoons. We also gave her one tablespoon of deluded apple juice this evening. She seems to be very comfortable with her sippy cup, and within minutes, she was sipping juice down. It was such a wonderful feeling, seeing my daughter pass this milestone. I'm excited for this week! I get to pick out Ava's first foods, shop for Thanksgiving, and make Bug her Thanksgiving tutu! We made a trip to Carter's today, and purchased some "my first" Thanksgiving accessories.
This year will be the VERY first time I make every dish myself. I complied a Thanksgiving menu, and I'm hoping all the soldiers we are having over, LOVE my cooking!
Hopefully tomorrow we hear some good news about where the compassionate reassignment is; we are beyond ready to know the outcome. I really can't believe we are almost halfway through November. the time is moving so very fast. In the spirit of being proactive, I have been looking up ideas for Ava's first Birthday. We know we want a Ballerina theme, so I just kind of pinterested from there. We are wanting to do cake pops, a smash cake, and a decorative cake for all of our family and friends! (if we are in Washington) I found a company in Puyallup, i really love. Here is a few pictures from their work.
Wanna Cupcake does great work! I'm really hoping we end up at Fort Lewis. Alright, this post was longer than I expected. I'm off for now! I hope everyone enjoyed their Veteran's day! Happy Monday all!
♥- Leilani
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
I totally spaced on writing this yesterday, but this post will reflect day five and day six of things I am thankful for. I am thankful for the depth the lord gave me. I am also thankful for our service members. There are so many hard moments in our lives, very few are comfortable with sharing, even with a trusted friend, let alone writing them on a very public blog. I am grateful that I can share my pain, my happiness, my frustrations, my insecurities, myself. I am not ashamed to talk about my marriage, my parenting, or the things that make me an imperfect human being. There is always more to people than what they are willing to share. I'm glad I know this, and I'm glad I like to connect on deeper levels. Because of my depth, I have made life long friends, I have made connections with so many beautiful people. There is more to me than what appears on the surface. I love that. I'm not a generic person. I thank the lord for that each and every day.
Our servicemen without a doubt are my heroes. They know their lives are at risk, but they do it anyway. What is more heroic than that? Each and everyday, I am reminded why I live in a country that allows me to be free. I am reminded, because of the soldier I married. I don't want to be all cheesy and cliche, but being able to see first hand what the families go through, and the soldier, gives you a different perspective. I am so proud and humbled to say that I have a military family. I am so proud and humbled to be apart of something so much bigger than myself. I am thankful every single moment of every day for what our military does.
November, I really love you. I shouldn't have to have reminders to be thankful, or reminders to be a better person, but I'm glad I have them. I don't want to ever be a selfish person. I don't want to be a materialistic, driven person. Reminders like thankful November, keep me grounded. I know I'll have my moments, but, I just want to be a good person. I want to always care about others, and I want to teach my daughter to care for others. It's so important to me. This post is getting sentimental, haha! I'll end things there. I've had a very emotional day, and I'm glad for it.
I'm going to wrap this up, Ava is calling for her mama! I will have to update you all soon. Good things are happening for my family!
Our servicemen without a doubt are my heroes. They know their lives are at risk, but they do it anyway. What is more heroic than that? Each and everyday, I am reminded why I live in a country that allows me to be free. I am reminded, because of the soldier I married. I don't want to be all cheesy and cliche, but being able to see first hand what the families go through, and the soldier, gives you a different perspective. I am so proud and humbled to say that I have a military family. I am so proud and humbled to be apart of something so much bigger than myself. I am thankful every single moment of every day for what our military does.
November, I really love you. I shouldn't have to have reminders to be thankful, or reminders to be a better person, but I'm glad I have them. I don't want to ever be a selfish person. I don't want to be a materialistic, driven person. Reminders like thankful November, keep me grounded. I know I'll have my moments, but, I just want to be a good person. I want to always care about others, and I want to teach my daughter to care for others. It's so important to me. This post is getting sentimental, haha! I'll end things there. I've had a very emotional day, and I'm glad for it.
I'm going to wrap this up, Ava is calling for her mama! I will have to update you all soon. Good things are happening for my family!
Monday, August 19, 2013
I've been thinking about this past year and all that has changed in my life. Now that deployment has been over for almost three whole months, everything is different. Not just with my family, or Justin, or marriage. Friends as well. You realize how much you have to depend on complete strangers when you choose to stay at your spouse's duty station. Those strangers become your friends (most times) and your life lines throughout the duration of deployment. Then, things change. It really is the inevitable. Once your spouse comes home from deployment, you no longer need those friends, those life lines, the same way you did before. I had a lengthy conversation with a wife who is still going through a deployment. She mentioned to me how she felt like these "friends" that she has made, have become fillers for her. It's kind of sad to think of human beings that way. This got me thinking a lot about what I'm going to do the next time Justin deploys. I have already started up a list (I really hope this isn't going to be anytime soon)
- I WILL BE MOVING BACK TO MY HOME TOWN FOR THE ENTIRE DURATION OF DEPLOYMENT
- I WILL BE BETTER ABOUT LETTING MY FAMILY BE THERE FOR ME EMOTIONALLY
- I WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO CLOSE IN. I WILL GET OUT AT LEAST ONCE A DAY (especially with Ava, I can't be some Debbie Downer)
- I WILL FIND A MORE FREQUENT HOBBY. STAYING BUSY. STAYING HEALTHY. MIND BODY AND SOUL.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
I can't believe It's been a month since my husband returned from Afghanistan. It's gone by so incredibly fast. As promised, to all that have asked, I'm finally ready to write about the reintegration process we've had.
WEEK ONE: Was indeed a honeymoon phase. Not only were we in awe with one another, but we could not take our eyes off of our little girl. After picking Justin up from his homecoming, we came straight home. A home he had never been in before. Surprisingly, this wasn't weird for him. After reuniting with our dog, Cooper, he examined every room in the house. Asking questions, just getting familiar. Immediately after, he showered, and a few hours later, he went to sleep with no trouble at all. That first day paved the rest of the week. Since I had just given birth to our daughter eight days prior, I found my husband being extremely helpful. Cooking, cleaning, sprucing up, etc. Before deployment I don't think I'd ever seen Justin do any of those things, other than the dishes a handful of times. We didn't have any disagreements, no one was on edge, nothing. This first week reminded me of our dating days. No arguements, no irritation or tension. It just felt good to be able to hold his hand or just hold him for that matter. He wasn't my "online" "overseas" husband anymore. He was tangible.
WEEK TWO: We allowed our feet to touch the ground, reality set in, I had my husband home and Justin was no longer in a war zone. I started to become irritated with Justin over things that were really minor. He reorganized the cupboards, like how they were at our old house. That frustrated me, because I'd developed my own "system" while he was away. I'm shorter than my husband, not by much, but he can definitely reach a lot higher than me. So all of the things I'd had in reach, were now out of reach. He displayed some "pre deployment" behaviors too. Throwing ALL of his laundry on my laundry room floor. Doing layouts in the room designated as his man cave room. It looked like the Army threw up camo everywhere! Throwing my washcloths in the shower, on the shower floor! GAH! Since I'm with Ava 24/7 I didn't have time to walk behind him and clean up all of the things he was doing that annoyed me. Justin had to attend his reintegration classes just like the week before, so I used that short time to kind of organize, and find some zen while he was at work.
WEEK THREE: This was our hardest week by far. Aside from the previous annoyances. I noticed that parenting Ava had become a HUGE issue in our home. A big issue for Justin was exclusively breastfeeding. Even though we were both fully on board with breastfeeding our children, we have noticed the challenges it presents. During the middle of the night, during the first three weeks, Justin would wake up and comfort Ava. He would soon notice, that after changing her, she was hungry. The only person in this house that can feed Miss Ava is her mama. I know he felt helpless when it came to feedings. Also, nursing in public. Even when I used my cover, Justin was extremely uncomfortable with me nursing in public places if it wasn't in the car or lactation room. I found myself being overly maternal as well. I wouldn't let Justin dress, bath, or cuddle Ava without me being right there. He soon caught on and he told me I needed to take a step back and relax. He said, "I'm her father and I'm not doing anything wrong." He was right, he wasn't. Somehow It was just really hard for me not to watch his every move with her. I think it was because of how delicate Ava is. She was still recovering from jaundice, I just didn't want Justin to make a mistake. Even though we are both new parents, somehow I felt like I knew it all. When we were out in public with the baby, I'd snap if things weren't just right with changing her, organizing her diaper bag, whatever it was, I was nit picking. One thing my husband and I have going for us, always, is our communication. Whenever I'd freak out, or he got defensive, we discussed it. Being able to talk things out effectively was our saving grace during week three.
WEEK FOUR: Still a difficult week compared to the first two. The upside of this week was that the heated climax of irritation and disagreements with parenting Ava has already happened. I have finally learned to loosen up with her. Being a parent is a learning process and each of us has to be supportive to the other. I can't complain on how well Justin is doing with her. Due to us being able to talk things out, we haven't had a "discussion" or "argument" since week three. It feels good not having to have those types of conversations. The other silver lining would be, we found our normal, just recently. Things in our house don't feel like a museum. Justin's here to STAY. There's no worrying about a deployment anytime soon. I can relax. I don't have to turn the lights on in the middle of the night because I'm scared to walk through my house all alone. I don't have to double check to make sure the doors are locked at night. I no longer have to haul the trash out to the side of the street. I sleep sound, knowing my soldier is laying beside me.
I know this process is not over. It just feels good knowing it didn't take us forever to find our normal. That was my biggest concern with this entire reintegration process. Everything about my family feels so right. Looking at our pictures, people think we have it all. I'm glad to say we do. Not only do we look good, but we FEEL good on the inside as well. There is no better feeling.
WEEK ONE: Was indeed a honeymoon phase. Not only were we in awe with one another, but we could not take our eyes off of our little girl. After picking Justin up from his homecoming, we came straight home. A home he had never been in before. Surprisingly, this wasn't weird for him. After reuniting with our dog, Cooper, he examined every room in the house. Asking questions, just getting familiar. Immediately after, he showered, and a few hours later, he went to sleep with no trouble at all. That first day paved the rest of the week. Since I had just given birth to our daughter eight days prior, I found my husband being extremely helpful. Cooking, cleaning, sprucing up, etc. Before deployment I don't think I'd ever seen Justin do any of those things, other than the dishes a handful of times. We didn't have any disagreements, no one was on edge, nothing. This first week reminded me of our dating days. No arguements, no irritation or tension. It just felt good to be able to hold his hand or just hold him for that matter. He wasn't my "online" "overseas" husband anymore. He was tangible.
WEEK TWO: We allowed our feet to touch the ground, reality set in, I had my husband home and Justin was no longer in a war zone. I started to become irritated with Justin over things that were really minor. He reorganized the cupboards, like how they were at our old house. That frustrated me, because I'd developed my own "system" while he was away. I'm shorter than my husband, not by much, but he can definitely reach a lot higher than me. So all of the things I'd had in reach, were now out of reach. He displayed some "pre deployment" behaviors too. Throwing ALL of his laundry on my laundry room floor. Doing layouts in the room designated as his man cave room. It looked like the Army threw up camo everywhere! Throwing my washcloths in the shower, on the shower floor! GAH! Since I'm with Ava 24/7 I didn't have time to walk behind him and clean up all of the things he was doing that annoyed me. Justin had to attend his reintegration classes just like the week before, so I used that short time to kind of organize, and find some zen while he was at work.
WEEK THREE: This was our hardest week by far. Aside from the previous annoyances. I noticed that parenting Ava had become a HUGE issue in our home. A big issue for Justin was exclusively breastfeeding. Even though we were both fully on board with breastfeeding our children, we have noticed the challenges it presents. During the middle of the night, during the first three weeks, Justin would wake up and comfort Ava. He would soon notice, that after changing her, she was hungry. The only person in this house that can feed Miss Ava is her mama. I know he felt helpless when it came to feedings. Also, nursing in public. Even when I used my cover, Justin was extremely uncomfortable with me nursing in public places if it wasn't in the car or lactation room. I found myself being overly maternal as well. I wouldn't let Justin dress, bath, or cuddle Ava without me being right there. He soon caught on and he told me I needed to take a step back and relax. He said, "I'm her father and I'm not doing anything wrong." He was right, he wasn't. Somehow It was just really hard for me not to watch his every move with her. I think it was because of how delicate Ava is. She was still recovering from jaundice, I just didn't want Justin to make a mistake. Even though we are both new parents, somehow I felt like I knew it all. When we were out in public with the baby, I'd snap if things weren't just right with changing her, organizing her diaper bag, whatever it was, I was nit picking. One thing my husband and I have going for us, always, is our communication. Whenever I'd freak out, or he got defensive, we discussed it. Being able to talk things out effectively was our saving grace during week three.
WEEK FOUR: Still a difficult week compared to the first two. The upside of this week was that the heated climax of irritation and disagreements with parenting Ava has already happened. I have finally learned to loosen up with her. Being a parent is a learning process and each of us has to be supportive to the other. I can't complain on how well Justin is doing with her. Due to us being able to talk things out, we haven't had a "discussion" or "argument" since week three. It feels good not having to have those types of conversations. The other silver lining would be, we found our normal, just recently. Things in our house don't feel like a museum. Justin's here to STAY. There's no worrying about a deployment anytime soon. I can relax. I don't have to turn the lights on in the middle of the night because I'm scared to walk through my house all alone. I don't have to double check to make sure the doors are locked at night. I no longer have to haul the trash out to the side of the street. I sleep sound, knowing my soldier is laying beside me.
I know this process is not over. It just feels good knowing it didn't take us forever to find our normal. That was my biggest concern with this entire reintegration process. Everything about my family feels so right. Looking at our pictures, people think we have it all. I'm glad to say we do. Not only do we look good, but we FEEL good on the inside as well. There is no better feeling.
Monday, May 13, 2013
My Morning
Ava
On a much happier note, I've got 48 hours until I will be admitted into the Army hospital for induction. I'm still at this surreal phase where no words are really doing me any justice when trying to describe how I feel. This human being, this perfectly innocent little girl, that's been growing inside of me all this time will be making an unforgettable entrance in my life. In doing so she will be filling a void in both Justin's heart and mine. Voids we were unaware existed. I've never experienced a greater blessing in my life, and I am completely honored that the lord has allowed me to carry such a precious gift.
Recap
This past weekend, I got my car detailed, finally. Twenty dollars well spent.
I had my final set of maternity photos taken by Victoria Simmons. Once again she did a phenomenal job! I become more impressed with her, every shoot. I laid back in some refreshing water. I love the pool but I'm not excited about how dark I'm getting. My skin is so uneven ! Tan lines are NOT flattering for me. I did a final clean up of the house before Ava gets here. Thank goodness I had a friend helping me. Cleaning products like comet, really aren't good for me to be inhaling at this point. I regained my love for Italian food. In my first trimester, I avoided Italian cuisines like the plague ! So it makes me happy that I was able to eat it without the sudden urge to hurl. My husband is a hardcore Italian food lover and I'm sure his first weekend back will consist of something Italian based. I watched safe haven. It's based off of a Nicholas Sparks book. Can I just say this movie was not only entirely predictable, but very boring to watch. I'm glad I didn't pay to see it in theaters ! Not my ideal romantic love story and those are super cliche within themselves! On a really random note, I feel it's necessary to share this bit of musical goodness, considering I've played this song 217 times on my itunes. (kissed you) Goodnight by Gloriana is thee best country song I have listened to in weeks. I can't get enough of it ! I'd suggest giving your ears a delightful listen. Yes, it was a pretty divine weekend for this expectant mama.
I had my final set of maternity photos taken by Victoria Simmons. Once again she did a phenomenal job! I become more impressed with her, every shoot. I laid back in some refreshing water. I love the pool but I'm not excited about how dark I'm getting. My skin is so uneven ! Tan lines are NOT flattering for me. I did a final clean up of the house before Ava gets here. Thank goodness I had a friend helping me. Cleaning products like comet, really aren't good for me to be inhaling at this point. I regained my love for Italian food. In my first trimester, I avoided Italian cuisines like the plague ! So it makes me happy that I was able to eat it without the sudden urge to hurl. My husband is a hardcore Italian food lover and I'm sure his first weekend back will consist of something Italian based. I watched safe haven. It's based off of a Nicholas Sparks book. Can I just say this movie was not only entirely predictable, but very boring to watch. I'm glad I didn't pay to see it in theaters ! Not my ideal romantic love story and those are super cliche within themselves! On a really random note, I feel it's necessary to share this bit of musical goodness, considering I've played this song 217 times on my itunes. (kissed you) Goodnight by Gloriana is thee best country song I have listened to in weeks. I can't get enough of it ! I'd suggest giving your ears a delightful listen. Yes, it was a pretty divine weekend for this expectant mama.
Moving Forward
I'm hoping my day turns around. Actually, I know it will. I never allow myself to sulk all that much. I plan on having a mellow Monday. I'm getting ready to head out and have lunch with a fellow Army wife here in a little bit. Excited to see her ! Haven't seen her in over a month, I believe. I may do a little last minute shopping today as well. I'm anticipating not leaving the house for the first couple weeks after my sprout's arrival. I hope all my blog readers have themselves a fantastic day! Also, please excuse my completely anal, type a, organizational posts. This is what I do in my mind before I even start writing. Lately, I've been finding it easier to categorize all that I want to say rather than just free flow writing. I promise, this is not going to be a habit that will occur for much longer.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Here lately I find myself replaying the day Justin left for deployment in my head. I know it's probably not the happiest moment to think about, but it's the day that brought us one day closer to hello. I remember waking up that morning and trying to make the time go by slower. Justin took his time getting out of bed, getting breakfast, and getting dressed. After our cuddle time, he made sure to cuddle his little boy !
The goodbye was so much worse for me because it was drug out. We had hours together before he actually left and that's what really broke me. It didn't feel real, but when it did, I couldn't hold my back my sobs. Within those tears were fear of the unknown. Not knowing if he'd be safe, not knowing if we'd ever see each other again. A million of those thoughts raced through my mind at once. The last vivid thing I can recall is Justin holding me, like bear tight holding me. He was kissing my face, wiping my tears, just saying everything was going to be okay. It was kind of a blur because I could feel my face burning, everywhere I looked people were crying, holding their loved ones, it was just sadness all around.
I won't forgot my breaking point. He kissed me before he was called to that final formation, He said "I'll hug you before we have to go" Justin had given me 1,000 hugs that day, but for some reason I still wanted that final contact between us.
During his formation, I waited patiently on the side of his company. When it was over, he couldn't come back. He had to follow orders and go to their destination. My chest tightened. I felt weak and I remember girls coming over to help me stand up. I kept saying, "he didn't come back, he didn't hug me goodbye". So many people kept telling me to calm down. They kept saying "You're pregnant, think about your baby." When I did catch my breath, thinking about my unborn emby (embryo) in my womb was the only thing that calmed me down. On the way to the car I pulled a handwritten letter out of my purse. Right before that last formation, Justin gave me the letter he wrote that morning. We both exchanged letters the day he left.
My tears were momentarily replaced with laughter after I read his beautiful words. It was exactly what I needed. There have been many times I've gone back and read this letter and instantly felt better. He was able to text me that entire night until about midnight. When communication became scarce that's when I started to feel uneasy again. The next morning while walking on the track on post, Justin called me and let me know he made it safely out of the country. It was a 10 minute phone call that cost us $40.00 ! It was well worth it. Knowing he'd made it safely and he was still safe at that point was reassuring and put my mind at ease for the time being. When he left our baby was 7 weeks 1 day.
AND NOW:
our little girl is 5 lbs and full term as of today ! I keep thinking back to that first day we said goodbye and looking at how far we've come. It won't be much longer until we're reunited and a family again. If I blog about this often here lately, you'll have to excuse me. This is where my joy is. Awaiting the days until Ava is here and just thinking about Justin coming back to me. I just wanted to share that day with all my readers. It was a tough one, but wait, how does that saying go? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Amen to that.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
there are no words to describe exactly what I am feeling at this moment. This month I will be meeting Ava. My pregnancy journey is closing in and motherhood is just around the corner. I thought i'd continue to be nervous about having my child tangibly here. For some reason I feel a sense of calmness this morning. Like when she gets here, my mommy gears will be in full drive and I'll know what to do once I see her face and hear her first cries. Deployment is also closing in on us. I cannot wait to have my arms around Justin. I'm ready for relief, joy, and overwhelming happiness to submerge. I don't think I could map into words what the experience over the last 8 months has been like for me. I have more of an appreciation for life and I'm thankful that I can take something so positive away from this. tomorrow I will be 37 weeks pregnant ! A full term baby I'll be having. I had a growth scan done yesterday and miss Ava is sitting at around 5 lbs. Definitely still on the smaller side. So small that the doctors are still opting for an induction. A big chunk of me is saddened by not having a natural labor. I know a lot of women enjoy induction, aside from knowing your baby will be arriving shortly, I don't really see the excitement or naturalness of induction. I know some women are unable to experience natural labor due to medical reasons posing a threat to them or their baby, in which case any type of labor would be acceptable to me. But for me to willingly want an induction is ludicrous. I am one tough cookie. I don't want Ava coming into the world with a drugged up mama. There are some many books and studies available for us to read today. Our country is seriously doing something wrong. I personally think it's due in large part to such a dependency on modern medications and technology. Mothers are becoming lazy and not relying on what their bodies are built to accomplish. Let me end that rant, it's a controversial issue and May is not going to be that type of month.
THINGS I HAVE LEFT TO DO
buy more newborn clothes for my small sprout babybuy summer clothes for block leave in New Yorkget the windshield on the car replacedget tags for the car renewedfinish writing up labor planfinish prepping Ava's cloth diapers- Do one final and thorough wipe down of the entire house before Ava is ready to come home
- get my car detailed
- finish reading heading home with your newborn, from birth to reality
- remember to pace myself and take it easy
I feel like these next two weeks are going to go by fairly quickly. I'm excited to write about my labor and delivery experience and hope to get that out as soon as I'm home with my baby girl and have a minute to update my readers :) I hope everyone is prepping for summer ! It's going to be a good one ;)
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Even after three years of being with a soldier, there is still so much to stay updated with when it comes to Army regulations. The regulations I am referring to in this post would be dress code regulations. My husband called me this evening and told me he needed to purchase dress blues.
The blue Army Service Uniform (ASU) is the "new" service uniform, and was adopted for optional wear in 2008. It was issued to new soldiers starting in the fall of 2010. All soldiers will be expected to possess the entire uniform by July 2014. The ASU is replacing two uniforms already in use – the "Army Green" service uniform and the "Army White" service uniform.
Justin received his Army greens right after basic training at Fort Knox. That was back in 2008 and that explains why he doesn't already have the new blues. I immediately started researching places where these blues can be purchased other than the military clothing store located on post. I found two credible online stores that sell the dress blues, super trooper and marlow white. Each website gives you the option to purchase ASU packages that include either the bare minimum for the uniform ( if you've already purchased the shoes, belt, shirts, etc) or the full head to toe package that will be needed when you wear this uniform. Dress blues can range anywhere from $300-$500 dollars. It depends on the extent of your purchase and the type of fabric you purchase.
Fabric Types are: Professional: $319.00 Classic: $375.00 Premium: $475.00. These prices are from the marlow white website. They even give you a chart on how the fabrics differ. Due to the expense of the new blue uniform Enlisted soldiers should be receiving an increase in their annual uniform allowance to help offset the cost of the uniform.
Even though spouses aren't going to be wearing ASU'S I do think there are three basic things we should be aware of.
- become familiar with the different uniforms our soldiers wear for each military occasion. Sometimes soldiers are unable to obtain things like this. (I'm referring to deployment, because Justin is currently deployed and he can't just go out and buy dress blues)
- It'd be helpful for you to know their measurements. (I know my husband's measurements, so it'll be easy for me to purchase this uniform and have it ready for him when he returns to garrison)
- Wear and Appearance of Army Uniforms and Insignia (Army Regulation 670–1)
Although our soldiers have dress blue/class a inspections, it's nice to be able to help your soldier attach certain pins or special bars on their uniform. You may even catch something that they easily overlooked, or forgot.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Today started out great, Officially two years in on my marriage AND i got to skype my handsome husband. BUT things took a turn for the worst this afternoon. For the first time in months, i had some serious girl drama. The worst, isn't it ? I constantly have to remember Army wife or not, you can't just mesh people together and expect them to get along. Some people have this notion that just because we're all going through a deployment, training, and Army life that we all forge a bond and it's butterflies and rainbows. INCORRECT. Before we are military spouses, we are human beings. and no matter the situation, you just aren't going to like everyone that comes around, some people aren't a good fit. That's not the way the world works. One major thing I've learned in life, is that at any given moment someone can say something nasty to you, someone can try to make you feel small, someone that claimed to be your "friend" can very easily not be, just as quickly. If you let those things get to you, if you let those things define you, how is that helping you ? The opinion of other's is the last thing we should worry about. In our lives we all have people who love us. Husband, kids, mom, dad, sister, brother. Those people that love us are our backbones. Family support, friend support, school support, etc. Those are the things that help mold us into the people we become. So you can't let the thoughts from people that don't have a significant impact on your life phase you.That being said, i do think we can all hold ourselves to a higher stander when we get into "drama" situations. Not engaging, not allowing things to escalate, and just walking away are perfect examples of what to do when an ugly situation comes your way. Some people aren't worth the headache. Having Ava in my womb right now is an everyday reminder, that there's a little girl on her way that needs her mom to remember what's important in life, and what's not. I know who i am, i know who i want to grow to be, i know that no matter how many tifts i have in life, there will always be people that love me for who i am, the good and the ugly. At the end of the day what more can you ask for ?
Thursday, January 17, 2013
I can't believe I'm more than halfway done. The first thing I see in the morning, is my baby center app. It's actually pretty useful. It tells me how big Ava is, what's she doing in there, and a lot of other informational things. This week she weighs almost a pound. Her sense of touch has kicked in and she may be sucking on her thumb, or touching her face now. She's the size of a papaya.
It's bittersweet going through this pregnancy with my husband away. To keep him included I send weekly heart beat videos that I take while using my pocket fetal doppler. Anytime I get an ultrasound, I send him copies. I upload belly photos to our networking sites so that he's included every step of the way. One thing that makes me feel really good, is that my husband acknowledges the effort I am making. He's always commending me. Telling me how strong I am. How proud he is. It's in those moments, that the bittersweet feeling diminishes. No matter how far away we are from each other he will never stop being the man that makes everything better. Even in the bleak situations. Ava and I are two very lucky girls. Today is perfect !
It's bittersweet going through this pregnancy with my husband away. To keep him included I send weekly heart beat videos that I take while using my pocket fetal doppler. Anytime I get an ultrasound, I send him copies. I upload belly photos to our networking sites so that he's included every step of the way. One thing that makes me feel really good, is that my husband acknowledges the effort I am making. He's always commending me. Telling me how strong I am. How proud he is. It's in those moments, that the bittersweet feeling diminishes. No matter how far away we are from each other he will never stop being the man that makes everything better. Even in the bleak situations. Ava and I are two very lucky girls. Today is perfect !
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
I happen to be extremely irritated this early morning...Could be the pregnancy talking, or possibly the excruciating back pains shooting down my spine, who knows. But so far into this deployment, I have realized there are 3 different types of Army wives that I am surrounded with :
(could be more, haven't met any of them yet)
Debby Downers: The spouses who would rather spend their days crying, weeping, and blaming the Army for their current lack of motivation and depression.
"HOOAH" Army Wives: My personal favorite. The women who treat the Army like it's just the last thing they'll ever live for. The women who tell you to suck it up. It'll be over soon. The women who criticize you for being human and having the occasional bad day. The ironic part of it all is these same women, are the first women to have their OWN breakdowns, but on paper, and networks, they are just the ideal trooper.
Golden Girls: The rare handful of Army wives, that are human. They hurt, they cry, they have bad days. They get back up, they laugh, and they keep trying to make each day a better day, because really that's the only option we have that is going to keep us optimistic, and on our toes. They don't judge you, they understand you. We all may not be facing the same battles, but we are all surely walking somewhat of the same path.
If you couldn't guess yourself. The golden girls are the women I love being around. They are scarce, but I enjoy the few I have.
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