I really like having all this extra time on my hands to sit down and blog. You have no idea how many drafts I'll start, but totally space on because I don't have the time to finish them. This past week has been filled with some crazy strong emotions.. these emotions are not my own, they are my husband's. I know how much Justin loves Ava, but I never imagined that him being in the field would cause him to get so upset. Since Ava was eight days old he's been home with us pretty much every single day (like normal people). Justin was the first person to see Ava bug roll over, he was the first person to feed her solid foods, and he was the first person to see her crawl. He's been present for all of her milestones, and we are so grateful for that. I think this time away is really hitting him hard. Although Ava hasn't hit any new milestones since he left, he isn't around her at all. He hasn't been able to kiss her goodnight, or give her vitamin d (that's daddy's job). He hasn't been able to play on the floor or tickle her little toes.

I find myself emailing him videos, sending about fifteen photos a day, and talking as frequently as his schedule will allow. Whenever Ava sees her daddy's face, she lights up. I know she probably doesn't understand that daddy is gone, but she definitely knows who her daddy is. Sometimes, I'll put the phone to her ear, and she can hear Justin telling her how much he loves her. That breaks my heart. Ava starts going crazy and saying "Da Da" She knows his voice and face, and it really is a joy to see the connection they have. The sacrifice of being married to someone in the service continues. It was one thing for me to sacrifice time with my husband, it's a completely different story when it's my child who has to sacrifice. I am starting to gain some clarity with Justin's decision to get out of the Army. Each time I think about it, I start to get even more comfortable with the idea of Justin doing anything else.

He gave me a scenario that he never wants to face. He said, "If I were to stay in the Army, I'd always be gone. I'd have to leave, and miss out on so much. It breaks my heart thinking about that phone call I'd have to have with Ava." Ava would say, "Daddy, why aren't you home? Who's going to get the monsters under my bed daddy?" I waited until we got off the phone to cry. I couldn't believe he said that. My husband is such a great father, and the fact that he's willing to change his entire career path for the sake of being with his family, there are no words. Stability is definitely important, but the Army isn't the only way to have that. It's so important for our family to spend as much time together as possible. I can only imagine how Justin is going to be when he comes home from the field. I bet he won't want to put her down. The sad thing is, after he returns from the field, he'll be leaving us for another month. The bonus this time? He'll be home for the weekends.

Moving forward, I hope two years from now, my husband is a civilian. I don't want any future Howland kiddos to miss out on time with their daddy. I don't want Justin to miss another pregnancy, I don't want Ava to have to lose anymore time with her dad. I know in the grand scheme of things, a lot of military kids probably lose out on even more time with their parents than Ava, but time lost is still time lost. I can't wait to have him home. I know he's out there "safe" and just training, but this feels too much like deployment for me. Alright, I'm done being a sad sap! I turn 23 tomorrow, and I plan on living it up.. Well one glass of wine, and a slice of red velvet cake would be my definition of that.

I can't wait until Daddy is home to read Ava her daily story.

Happy Thursday all! 

If you're a Washingtonian, PLEASE drive safe and stay dry.

♥- Leilani

What's my age again?

I just realized I am going to be 23 years old in less than 6 months. WOW. I won't lie I'm getting an age complex. I know I'm young, but I feel like I'm aging rather quickly and I don't like it. Before I got married, I always thought time moved too slowly. I even remember wishing the time would hurry up... Now the only thing I want is for time to slow down. Just this past week Ava started sitting up unsupported for a few moments at a time, she holds on her feet, and she screams (loudly). They say the first year has the most developmental changes for babies. I can't complain with that. At least I know things won't always go by this fast.

Our pup Cooper is also coming up on his 2nd birthday. As often as he urks my nerves, he's still my little boy. He was the first baby I ever mothered. Not only did he teach Justin and I how to care for someone other than ourselves, but he also prepped us for the expenses that comes along with being "fur parents". Which in turn helped budget plans when we found out I was pregnant. I still remember when he was 12 lbs. and left pee puddles on our wood floors. I'm glad those days are far behind us.

I'm also 3 months shy of three years of marriage. That is even more weird than me turning 23. I can't believe it. I'm excited about my anniversary though. We'll be in a new state, celebrating our anniversary together (rather than over skype) in our new home with our little family. I want to plan something super special and thanks to Texas having so much to do, I can!

2013 is coming to a close, and I just can't believe it. So many wonderful things occurred for me this past year. 2013 is going to be a hard year to top (due in large part to Ava) But I can say other than 23, I am definitely looking forward to 2014. New grass for the Howland family. I'm praying that I fall in love with our new state. I'm praying that this change is one I accept quickly. The excitement is already here, let's hope that's a good sign!

Oh this is random, one other thing I'm excited for in 2014 are New Year resolutions. So many people make them, very few follow through on them. It's a comical time for me. That kind of sounds bad, doesn't it ? Oh well. My new years resolution is going to be the same goals I have daily. NO stress.(if I can help it) NO problems. (if i can solve them) COMPLETE relaxation (when i can have it)  and trying to be a better person, a more mature person than I was the day before. Pretty simple stuff.

Alright world, I'm off to cuddle the husband and indulge in my frozen yogurt! We are on a Grey's Anatomy kick! I love it!