Never Alone

Thursday, May 2, 2013
Here lately I find myself replaying the day Justin left for deployment in my head. I know it's probably not the happiest moment to think about, but it's the day that brought us one day closer to hello. I remember waking up that morning and trying to make the time go by slower. Justin took his time getting out of bed, getting breakfast, and getting dressed. After our cuddle time, he made sure to cuddle his little boy ! 

Even though we tried to slow time down, it seemed like he had to be at the company before we knew it. I thought I was just going to drop him off, say my goodbyes and bawl in the car. That did not happen. I was able to stay with him until he had to leave.

The goodbye was so much worse for me because it was drug out. We had hours together before he actually left and that's what really broke me. It didn't feel real, but when it did, I couldn't hold my back my sobs. Within those tears were fear of the unknown. Not knowing if he'd be safe, not knowing if we'd ever see each other again.  A million of those thoughts raced through my mind at once. The last vivid thing I can recall is Justin holding me, like bear tight holding me. He was kissing my face, wiping my tears, just saying everything was going to be okay. It was kind of a blur because I could feel my face burning, everywhere I looked people were crying, holding their loved ones, it was just sadness all around. 

I won't forgot my breaking point. He kissed me before he was called to that final formation, He said "I'll hug you before we have to go" Justin had given me 1,000 hugs that day, but for some reason I still wanted that final contact between us.

During his formation, I waited patiently on the side of his company. When it was over, he couldn't come back. He had to follow orders and go to their destination. My chest tightened. I felt weak and I remember girls coming over to help me stand up. I kept saying, "he didn't come back, he didn't hug me goodbye". So many people kept telling me to calm down. They kept saying "You're pregnant, think about your baby." When I did catch my breath, thinking about my unborn emby (embryo) in my womb was the only thing that calmed me down. On the way to the car I pulled a handwritten letter out of my purse. Right before that last formation, Justin gave me the letter he wrote that morning. We both exchanged letters the day he left.  

My tears were momentarily replaced with laughter after I read his beautiful words. It was exactly what I needed. There have been many times I've gone back and read this letter and instantly felt better. He was able to text me that entire night until about midnight. When communication became scarce that's when I started to feel uneasy again. The next morning while walking on the track on post, Justin called me and let me know he made it safely out of the country. It was a 10 minute phone call that cost us $40.00 ! It was well worth it. Knowing he'd made it safely and he was still safe at that point was reassuring and put my mind at ease for the time being. When he left our baby was 7 weeks 1 day.


our little girl is 5 lbs and full term as of today ! I keep thinking back to that first day we said goodbye and looking at how far we've come. It won't be much longer until we're reunited and a family again. If I blog about this often here lately, you'll have to excuse me. This is where my joy is. Awaiting the days until Ava is here and just thinking about Justin coming back to me. I just wanted to share that day with all my readers. It was a tough one, but wait, how does that saying go? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Amen to that.  

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