Sunday, March 31, 2013
Writing out how I feel is my mental asylum. As much as I try not to unleash built up emotions and frustration, somehow my thoughts have a way of forming words and here I am. I'm looking at my calendar and I realize it's been about six months since I last saw Justin. With this in my mind, I just allowed myself to let the warm tears from my eyes, fall down my face. I don't know how to box how I'm feeling. I know I'm angry. I know I'm hurting. I know that someone is missing. This is the most bitter aspect of deployment. Your life still goes on even with your husband's absence. Handling things myself have become familiar, I have a routine. Being alone in a day is normal to me. But this isn't normal and I'm not okay with it. I guess this is why I get so frustrated with women who "love" Army life. What is so amazing about being challenged emotionally and mentally for an extended amount of time?  Some days I don't even know where my strength comes from, more than likely my faith I'm sure. Sometimes I just wish the days would come and go quickly. I've never been at a point in my life where three-fourths of me is overjoyed with happiness and one-fourth, one painful fourth of me is so hurt and fragile. I need Justin. I don't care if that sounds weak or out of character. He is my missing puzzle piece. you can't have a finished product and be content without all the pieces in tact. I know these thoughts won't go away until we're reunited. I just get so tired of my strong face. I feel alone in this. My family, a great deal of my friends, and Justin can't even being to relate to the toll deployment is taking on me. At times I wish I was the soldier. Granted he's away too, but he's focused on his mission. He's focused on staying alive. Some days I talk to Justin and he's completely exhausted. I don't know how he has the time to phone me, let alone have time to let his thoughts carry him away like I do. I'm hanging on by more than just threads, I commend myself for that. My sweet baby girl, god love her, If not for my pregnancy with Ava, I don't how I would be dealing with this separation as gracefully as I have been. She's given me a deeper purpose in my life. And all my happiness in this world is reflected from her. I'm patiently waiting for the day to come when deployment becomes a distance blur. Until then I guess writing out these bare, honest feelings will have to suffice.

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