I miss him. I miss him to the point that it physically pains me to say that out loud. I never realized how much I needed my husband, until his being here wasn't an option. Granted we haven't had a nasty fight since he's been overseas. But all I can think about are all the stupid things I did when he was home. Complaining about things that didn't matter the next day. I don't know when I'm going to see him. I don't know when he's going to see his daughter for the first time. It hurts not to know. I don't know if he's safe the days we go without talking. I don't know if he's warm, or if he needs my hugs or my kisses. I'm in an extremely helpless position. All I wish I could do is keep him safe and I can't do that. I find myself getting angry when I log onto Facebook, when I see a couple fighting in the grocery store parking lot, or when a friend decides they need to vent to me. All these people have the person they love right in front of them. Instead of cherishing that time, they're fighting, they're hurting each other, they are taking each other for granted. And i'm just here thinking I would give everything I own, I would give ever single last dime to my name, just to have Justin home. His squad, his company, his brigade. Everyone. Deployment is a bitter sweet experience for a lot of things. The most distinct of all of them is realizing life is about more than money. It's about more than materialistic things, more than your "image" or how much you weigh on a scale. It's about appreciating what you have RIGHT NOW. making the most of what you have, bettering what you have. Tending to your relationships, building them up, making them stronger. Focusing your energy on things that will always matter, not things that will never matter. Spending our time on earth loving more, and hating less. There are only two things in the world that I want right now. I want to be able to survive deployment seeing my husband at the end of a field, hands clammy from the anticipation, I don't care who else is there to welcome him home. In laws, my family, the mail man ! I just want to be able to rush to him with our little girl healthy as can be in my arms and having a weight lifted off my shoulders the first time he holds her and kisses her. In that moment I will have finally felt what I spent months praying for. My family is now whole.
