I'm Divorcing

Wednesday, March 4, 2020

Because generational cycles come in the form of habits, too.

Yesterday, I was cleaning out my instagram messages and I came across a "message requests" folder. I don't ever really remember going through it prior to yesterday, so I clicked on it and I was immediately flooded with messages from familiar faces of the past and other unknowns. I skimmed through them, messaged back to one, and paused on the last message from a gal that I had a nasty falling out with when I was pregnant with Olivia. I can't remember everything that transpired between us but I remember feeling so bad about something specific she said to me. She insulted my fertility, or lack-thereof. It stung and it hurt, as she was someone who also struggled to get pregnant immediately after she and her husband made the decision to start family planning. She said what she said and I made brash intended comments about the unhealthiness of her marriage (also a cardinal no no). She had confided in me on so many occasions and I took that trust and threw it in her face in the heat of our argument. From that day forward, we didn't speak. Her message arrived on the very day that Liam was born. I'm guessing that's why I never saw it. Trying to maneuver instagram wasn't on my priority list while recovering in that hospital bed.

In her message she congratulated us on the expectancy of our son (stating that we were finally getting our boy) and she apologized for the things she said. She ended her message with letting me know that she prayed for blessings and happiness for our family. I read it a couple times. She wrote that message nearly two years ago and our falling out was actually three years prior to that. I didn't feel put off by it and I wasn't instantly reminded of the hurt that we caused one another. My initial reaction was to just not reply. She spoke her peace and I was okay, so I should let things be? Right? Nope. I've worked really hard with not holding grudges and actively putting the actions behind the growth within myself. Five years ago, I would likely not have done that. Five years ago, I was still a grudge holder. Much like my mother, I could hold a grudge without accepting my own personal responsibility for a long time. It took me years (even after becoming a mama) to realize just how unhealthy this was for me. How shackled I felt by this. I can admit when I'm wrong and that definitely helps me process but not letting that other person know... it was in this message that I realized I wanted her to know, too. It was in that message that I realized that I was ready to permanently divorce myself from this binding habit.

I went ahead with that message, we exchanged some updates with one another, and it didn't have to be any more than that. We live, we fall out, we move on, and seldom do we get these opportunities to address a situation from the past like this. I promised myself, moving forward, to always address the situations like this that I could -- when they present themselves. I think its also important to remember that addressing a situation and choosing not to hold on a grudge doesn't mean you are discarding how you feel. It's not setting aside the hurt that was done (from either person) and its not trying to rebuild a friendship again or connection again. It's just freeing and its accountability. And accountability is the framework for so many elements that we face in our lives. My goal, for always, in trying to rectify myself is to prevent the kids from having similar cycles to mine because this generational thing is so real. But also, preventable. I will forever do the work for myself but also, for my babies.

So, here's to divorcing our bad habits. I won't miss you. 

Post a Comment