I love you mom

Wednesday, October 1, 2014
I'm writing this a little earlier in an effort to kind of exert some of my emotions. Almost a year to the day, I found out just how extensive my mother's illness was. I found out that she'd been sugar coating her health, and that she was given a small window of life expectancy. My entire world came crashing down this time last year. I had to face the fact that I am going to lose my mother much sooner than I expected. I had to face the fact that my children are not going to grow up with their grandma Esther. I had to face a lot of things, and while I hated every moment of it, the experience has made me a better human being. It has allowed me to be a better mother to my child, and a better spouse to my husband.

There are no words to describe how grateful I am for the Army granting the compassion reassignment. For without that, my mom would have been robbed the experience of bonding with her first grandchild. She would have been robbed the experience of reconnecting with her daughter whom she'd had a rocky relationship with for most of my adolescence. We both would have been robbed the time we could have had together. More than anything in this world, being back in my home state to help my mom, support her, and give her lots of love, has meant more to me than most things ever will. We've shared sleepover nights, family recipes, and lots of my childhood stories.

Even though my mom has beat the life expectancy window, she's still not in a super awesome place (health wise). Sometimes I feel like she's doing better, and then she has her bad days where I know she's not. I try not to talk about it, and I try to just enjoy her... It gets hard sometimes though. When I get upset with her, or we don't see eye to eye, I beat myself up. How can you be mad at your SICK mother? I try not to let her sickness make me feel guilty.. or allow it to change the way I act towards my mother, but sometimes that's hard to do. I don't want to take her for granted.

I'm still scared for her, and I'm still a nervous wreck about what the next six months will look like, but I am glad I've had the last (almost) nine months with my mom. She's been able to spend the holidays with us, babysit Ava bug when she feels up to it, and make memories I thought we'd never have. With my new camera upgrade will come (lots more) photos of Ava and my mom. Especially with our favorite fall holidays approaching. Here's a couple photos of Ava bug with her great grandma, and my mom. I love that she's been around for all of the milestones Ava had during her first year. Here's to hoping we have another good year with my mama.

Happy Wednesday all! 

♥- Leilani

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