Baby # 4

Thursday, June 27, 2019

A fourth and final Howland baby is something Justin and I have been discussing (heavily) since Liam was born.

There has been a lot of back and forth on the matter and if I'm being really honest, this is the first time *ever*  that our reaction to adding another little one to our family has been met with resistance. I think a lot of that has to do with the emotional trauma that came from losing a baby from our twin pregnancy. One second we thought our family would soon be complete with two little babies, and then suddenly, that reality was no longer our reality. There is a lot of uncertainty that surrounds trying to conceive and pregnancy... but there is one thing that I'm completely certain of -  my heart cannot suffer another loss. I know Justin's heart cannot take another loss, either.  I'm done losing babies. I'm done. I wish we could foresee the future of a pregnancy and know that everything was going to be alright, but unfortunately, we cannot.

Earlier this year I had baby fever so bad and I thought, "okay lets just try now." Then the idea of weaning Liam so soon quickly shut that down and we went back to the drawing boards of pros and cons. Everyone we talk to says that if we are even thinking of having another one, have another one. I've heard that any number of children after three is no extra stress for a family. We've also been told that even numbers work "better" in families (I really can't say I see a lot of truth in that last one) and we'd be crazy not to consider another. We've heard it all. I feel like we've thought about it all, too. Ironically enough, I scheduled an appointment with the same reproductive endo that helped us conceive Olivia just to be told two weeks later that the same month of my appointment, the Army is sending Justin off for school.

I see you universe. So either that month wasn't a good time or this really might not be an adventure we embark on. In my heart, I feel so much happy and livelihood. I love my babies and I don't feel like there is something missing. But, in the back of my mind, I don't want to regret not having another child. I don't want to wake up and wonder what another sweet, angelic face would look like nestled in my arms with three excited siblings waiting to hold them. I don't want to harvest resentment toward anyone or anything because I made a decision that later in life I might regret. The space I'm in right now.. the space Justin is in... we have never been here before. Some days all I can see are newborn babies and the baby fever is L- I-V-E. Other days I'm so lost in my babies that I don't even think about trying to conceive again.

I do appreciate that this isn't a decision that has to be made like tomorrow.. we do have time on our side and I'm thankful for that.

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